by Jo Raven
Her dark eyes glint. She licks her lips, and I groan. “What? Don’t you want this?”
“You kidding me?” What sane guy ever says no to a blowjob from a pretty girl? But like I said, she’s my girl now, and it’s more complicated than that. I try to sort this out in my head while her hand brushes over my dick again, jolting me. “I was trying to behave myself, okay? Didn’t want to scare you.”
“I’m not scared.” She smiles. “I’ve wanted to do this for some time.”
“Okay, but you’ve been worried about your sister, and I—”
She pulls down the zipper, pulls my dick out and puts that pretty mouth on it.
Oh fuck.
I don’t wanna be the asshole who takes advantage of my girl when she’s down, but hell, how am I supposed to think when she’s sucking on my cock like that, like she can’t get enough? If it were up to me, we’d fuck day and night and not do much else.
Though talking to her is real nice… She’s so funny, and hot damn, this feels good. It takes all I got not to grab her hair and thrust hard into the heat of her mouth.
Instead I force my hands down at my sides, force my body to stay still as she plays with my body, exploring, wrapping her fingers at the base of my dick, then stroking my balls, turning my whole damn body into a vibrating string about to explode.
It feels good, feels perfect, but then she pulls back a little, eyes too shiny, mouth trembling.
Ah fuck. Without a second thought, I grip her arms and haul her up to my lap. “Ride me, sweet heart. I wanna feel you.”
Her mouth twists, but she lifts up and I pull that flimsy bit of lace covering her to the side so I can fuck her pussy. My fingers touch her first, sliding between her thighs, finding her slick and hot, and I arch up helplessly, so turned on I’m losing my mind.
Need to be inside her, right the hell now.
She’s moaning softly as I stroke her, finding the hard nub of her clit and teasing it, pushing two fingers into her and opening her up, getting her even wetter. She’s ready.
Pulling my fingers out, I grab my cock and give it a good squeeze, trying to calm down, come back from the edge.
Then I look up into her eyes, smile at her, and help her up so I can thrust into her.
It’s different this way, her pussy parting slowly, hotly around the head of my dick, and I groan and let my head fall back, my eyes all but rolling into my head from the pleasure of pushing inside her.
Inch by inch, her pussy swallows my cock, clenching, massaging, sucking me in, and I’m shaking, undone, drowning in pleasure.
“Cos…” My voice is a low growl. I grip her hips and raise her up. “Fuck, yeah.”
She leans forward to brace her hands on my chest, and the angle changes, sending blinding light behind my eyelids. She’s moving, riding me, and I’m aiding her along, lifting and lowering her on my cock, not sure how much longer I can take before I shoot my load.
Somewhere in the back of my mind there’s the thought that I came here to help her, hold her, not fuck her, but it’s lost in the waves of need hitting me one after the other—and then I think maybe she needs this too. She said it, right? This need not to think, just to feel, just to have a wild ride and find relief.
I can give her that. I’ll make fucking sure I’ll give her that.
So I rein in my release, run numbers through my head, even let myself recall images from my nightmares, anything to keep from coming, to let her ride me as long as she needs.
Though with the nightmare images come sounds, and that crushing feeling of terror I really don’t fucking wanna remember.
Ah shit.
My dick flags, confused.
But Cos bends over me more to put her lips over mine. The tips of her soft tits brush my chest, and I pull up her transparent shirt to cup them through the lace, distracted. Dragging down the lace, I free her hard nipples and play with them.
She straightens her back, pushing her tits into my hands, then arches when I take one nipple between my teeth, then the other one.
She starts to come, moaning, her fingers sinking into my hair, her pussy gripping my dick in a tightening vise, and I finally let go.
It’s a bolt of lightning, hitting me, jerking me around. Every surge of cum shakes me to my bones. It’s fire from my balls to the end of my dick, from my feet to my head, and on its heels, a flood of pleasure so sharp and sweet I have to stifle a howl.
I swear I come apart, right there on her sofa, hauling her down on top of me, needing to put my arms around her, keep her here, with me, stay inside her.
Keep the world out. Even if I know it’s only a matter of time before reality rushes back in.
“Coffee?”
I accept the mug she offers me and take a long gulp. I’m still fucking shaken. Sex has always been good for me, but this… this is different. Better than awesome.
And it’s not just the sex. It’s every moment spent with her.
It’s missing her when she’s away, wanting her like a lost part of me, and it’s like a fist is squeezing around my heart.
What the hell does it mean?
I’m distracted from trying to figure it out by the arrival of kitty cat. She jumps on my thighs and starts filing her nails in my flesh.
“Ow, dammit.” I lift her up by the scruff of her neck and dangle her in front of me. “Whatcha do that for, huh?”
“What did she do?”
“Left me bloodied.” I blink away the image of blood spreading like a lake—and put the kitten down on the floor, and my mug on the table. “She’s a savage.”
“You poor baby,” Cos is saying, and now she’s only wearing her boyshorts and transparent blouse, sans bra.
“Kiss it better?” I say and stare at her nipples winking at me through the blouse. “So pretty…”
“You’re talking to my tits.”
“They’re pretty tits. They like me.”
She laughs.
“Come here.” I get up, grab her around the waist and pull her to sit on my lap. Yeah, again. No problem for me. “Cos… Come with me on Sunday?”
“Come where?”
“On my dick, on my mouth…” I grin, and she snickers. “No, I mean to family lunch.”
Her smile fades. “No, Merc, I… I can’t.”
My chest tightens briefly. “They’d love to meet you.”
I knew it was too soon. I knew it was too damn soon to push for this…
“You don’t understand.” Her fingertips skim over my cheekbone, cradle my cheek. “I’d love to meet your family. And I bet they’re nice, if they’re anything like you. But I have to go to Memphis. My sister needs me.”
“When?” I frown as realization dawns. “You got news. Is she okay?”
“Nothing new, really. Or she won’t tell me. She certainly isn’t giving me any details, but she needs support, that much is clear, and I’m the only she’s got.”
Of course. With their parents out of the picture…
“And me,” I say. “You got me. Want me to go with you?”
She stares at me, eyes round like dark pools. “I couldn’t… ask you that. You have your classes, and work, your family…”
“You’re family. I’d make time for you, Cos.” I put my hand over hers, pressing it to my cheek. “Just say you want me along, and I’ll be there.”
“I couldn’t…”
“You have my phone number now. Use it, whatever you need. Call me. You’re not alone, CosieCat. We’re in this together.”
Chapter Eighteen
Cosima
“You’re family.”
For a moment it’s déjà vu—from a dream, of all places. In my dream, he held me like this, said those words.
But this is real, and I get choked up remembering how he held me that morning, a few days ago, and offered that to me. A gift.
He doesn’t really know me at all, and he’s offering to go with me. Do I trust this?
Merc… I think of those clear blue eyes as I c
lose my backpack, getting ready to head to Memphis. The honesty shining through them. The steadiness of his low voice, his arms around me.
Can I ever trust anyone to accept their words as the truth again?
Not anyone: Merc. Trust Merc.
“Call me,” he said. “We’re in this together.”
This is happening too fast. He’s worming his way into my heart, taking over my thoughts, my mind. My body tightens with desire just at the thought of him. We’re racing toward each other like we’ve gone off the rails, on a collision course, and I’m not sure I can survive it this time.
Not if he walks away after I’ve torn down all my walls and let him inside deeper than any other man before.
Putting some distance between us may be best right now.
I pat the kitty’s head, leave my key with the neighbor in case I do stay away for a few days, together with a bag of kitty food, and head to the bus station.
I buy my ticket, settle in a seat at the back and plug in my earphones, then take them off. My head aches. The engine rumbles, and we’re off, rolling through the city. It’s just for a couple of days, I tell myself. Merc doesn’t need to put his life on hold for my sister. I’m her family. And I don’t even know if I can be of any use there.
Mom and Dad sure think there’s nothing they can do. Then again, that’s what they always think. Easier that way, I guess.
The streetlamps are still on. Dawn is breaking. We leave the city behind and take the highway. A few hours and I’ll see her face to face, discover what’s really going on.
I should catch some sleep. Pressing my forehead to the cool glass, I listen to the humanity around me. A guy in the seat across from me is talking low on his phone. An old lady with a little girl a few seats ahead is singing a lullaby. It’s soothing. I’m not sure my mom ever sang us lullabies. I can’t remember. Do moms even do that anymore?
Sleep steals up on me, a dark mist that drags me under before I realize it’s happening—and the moment I close my eyes, I fall into the dream.
I’m floating in water. It’s warm, and the stars twinkle overhead. Strong arms support me, wrapped around my middle, a warm breath ruffles my hair.
“Okay?” It’s Merc’s voice, Merc’s body underneath me, that big frame, all that hard muscle and long limbs. “I’ve got you, girl.”
In more than one way, it seems, and I moan as he sinks into me, that thick length opening me and filling me up so perfectly I could cry.
Wanting more, wanting him closer, to feel his chest against my back, his mouth on my neck, I push back, and he pulls out. The loss shakes me, breaks me. I turn, reaching for him, and somehow we’re facing each other through the water.
His pale hair is floating around his head like a luminous cloud, his eyes are wide, crystal with cobalt starbursts.
Red plumes spread behind him, underneath him.
A drop of crimson escapes his mouth, floating up like a tiny fish, darting this way and that as if expecting me to try and capture it.
Then he’s sinking, a slow descent through the glass-like water, and I can’t catch him, can’t sink down with him to reach him.
Can’t save him.
I wake up with a gasp, forehead still pressed to the glass, heart thumping hard. Outside, the world is brightening, the sky the color of Merc’s eyes.
He’s in my thoughts, in my dreams, in everything I see and hear and touch.
So much for keeping some distance, keeping my heart safe.
Then again, I’d known it from the start, from the first time I laid eyes on him. Somehow knew this was different. More important.
More dangerous.
Meant to make me happy or shatter me to pieces if I let him.
My sister is smoking a cigarette outside the hospital. I slow down, unsure of how to go about this. She hasn’t invited me over, though from her calls and texts I felt she needed me.
Was I wrong?
Her dark hair, straighter than mine, is hanging limp on her shoulders. She looks like she’s lost weight in the days since I’ve last seen her. Can you lose weight in five days?
And I had no idea she smokes. I wonder if it’s a new thing, a facet of despair, or if I just don’t know her as well as I thought.
She throws the cigarette to the ground, grinds her shoe over it, and turns. Her gaze passes over me, then returns, and she freezes.
“Cosie.” Her lips form my name without a sound.
Her face crumbles.
Letting my backpack slip off my shoulder, I start toward her. She meets me halfway, crashes into my arms, and steady her, rock her slightly, back and forth.
“Soph,” I breathe against her hair. She smells of tobacco and disinfectant. “I’m here.”
“You shouldn’t—” Her voice catches on a sob. “Shit, Cos, I don’t know what to do.”
“You can let me buy you lunch,” I say and pull back to look at her tear-streaked face. “And tell me everything.”
“He’s not okay, Cos…” The words are a wail, and it’s breaking my heart. My eyes fill up with tears. “He’s so sick and so exhausted. He was coughing up blood.”
Oh shit. “What did the docs say?”
“They’re running tests, they said. It’s not fair, he’s been struggling since he left the Army, with his leg injury and all sorts of stuff, and now this…”
I wipe impatiently at my eyes. I’m here to help her, not break down along with her. “Lunch,” I say again. “We’ll have lunch. And talk.”
And then I need to figure out how long I can stay, how long my money can stretch so I can make sure my little sister is okay.
We eat cold sandwiches and drink hot coffee at a small diner near the hospital.
Well, I eat and drink because I’m starving after the bus ride. Soph picks at her food and takes small sips of her coffee. She keeps glancing at her phone.
“Would he call you if he needed anything?” I put my own phone on the table, beside my plate, and it’s a bad idea, because I’m itching to text Merc, or even better, call him, hear his voice.
Jeez, Cos. You’d think I can’t be away from him not even for a day.
Ridiculous.
“I don’t know.” She sniffs, wrinkles her nose. “Probably not. He’s doing his best to hide it, but he’s scared.”
Of course he is. If he wasn’t, he’d be an idiot. “Is it the first time it got so bad?”
She shakes her head, and there’s a sinking feeling in my stomach. “It got bad a few times, but this time he couldn’t breathe. Probably an allergic reaction to one of the drugs. He was turning blue, and I couldn’t… couldn’t help him.”
That catch in her voice is killing me. “They’ll get him well, Soph.”
She nods, but her eyes are red. “He’s so exhausted. He was always strong like a bull, he was…” A shake of her head. “And he doesn’t trust me. My fault.”
“Oh, Soph…” I reach across the small table and take her hand. “He will. Give him time.”
“I am. Since I met him again, he’s been sick and getting worse. It’s as if…”
“As if what?”
“As if I’m the one making him sick.”
“Oh, girl, no. Don’t ever think that. Jesus.”
She pulls her hand away. “Sorry, I… I can’t think straight.”
The way she can’t meet my eyes tells me she really believes that. That she’s the cause of Griffin’s pain.
“This isn’t black magic, Soph. You can’t get a guy sick by loving him.”
“But it may be psychological. Maybe he doesn’t want me here.”
“Did he say that? That he doesn’t want you here?”
A shake of her head. Then she puts a hand over her mouth and looks away. Taking a deep breath, she lets her hand fall to her lap. “I don’t know, Cos… I just don’t know what I’m doing.”
I wish I could tell her to walk away, that staying with a guy who isn’t sure he wants her is a bad idea. Been there, done that.
But I say nothing.
Soph says I could crash on Griffin’s sofa at home, and though this is awkward, as I don’t know Griffin, and it sounds as if they aren’t really together yet, my sister and him, beggars can’t be choosers. I don’t have money to throw away on hotel rooms if I can avoid it.
Sitting with her in the waiting room of the hospital, trying to get comfortable in my impossibly hard seat, I think of Griffin’s battle against disease and death, and how terrifying that has to be. He’s only a couple of years older than us. Too young. Can he beat this and get well?
Then I think of my dream in the bus and drowning in that clear, glass-like water.
Of reaching for Merc and not being able to save him.
I’m hit by a sudden, overwhelming need to see him, touch him, make sure he’s okay. It’s probably the talk about Griffin, seeing my sister so distraught, the hospital’s sterile hallways and nauseating smell I remember so well from when I broke my arm when I was nine.
Reminding me how short and precious life is, how fragile every moment, how immense the gap left by someone’s absence.
God, I miss Merc.
Now wait a minute, this is crazy, I only saw him two days ago, not a month or a year, but… I miss him so much. I can’t already be regretting not taking him up on his offer… right? I never relied on anyone in my life. I don’t need him to come over and coddle me, sit beside me and drive me around.
I’ve got this. It’s okay.
“Is everything okay back home?” Sophie asks. “The classes, work…”
“Yes. The kitty is fine, too.”
She nods distractedly. “Oh good.”
A doctor passes by and she follows him with her gaze until he disappears into another room.
Then she puts her face in her hands. “This is a mess, Cosie.”
“What do you mean? The docs—”
“Griffin’s broke. All these doctor appointments and treatments and tests and medicine are paid by the government, but he lost his job months ago, owes many months of rent, has lots of other bills accumulating, and I don’t have any money left to help him out.”
