“I thought you weren’t making out with random people. I guess we were both misinformed.” I looped my arm through Keilani’s and went looking for my girls. I was bound to say something stupid if I stayed near him.
I found my squad, and they all shrieked with excitement that Keilani and I were there. Keilani was like the cool older sister who was fun to hang out with, but would still make you do the stuff you were supposed to.
“Are there any guys here you’re interested in?” Molly asked Keilani. “We’ll find a way to make it happen.”
Keilani grinned at her. “Everybody here is too young.”
“Besides,” Deja added, “we all know she’s in love with Ford.” It looked like Jess wasn’t the only one with that pet theory.
But Keilani just rolled her eyes. “Yep. That’s me. A glutton for punishment and in love with a guy who hates me.”
I totally got that. I mean, Bash didn’t hate me, but I was completely in love with him and was also a glutton for punishment. By doing things like hanging around clubs where I had to watch him make out with other women.
Deja wasn’t bothered by her response. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but Ford hasn’t taken his eyes off you since you walked in.”
“That’s not true,” Keilani said with a shake of her head.
I looked and saw Ford, who was definitely eyeing somebody standing near me. Plus, Deja was never wrong about this sort of thing. I would probably text Jess about it later to let her know that her theory had legs.
Deja moved in close to me so that I was the only one who could hear. “Keilani’s not the only one who has a man staring her down.”
I flicked my gaze in Bash’s direction, and it seemed like he was watching me. It made my breathing feel a little shaky. “So?”
“So? Girl, aren’t your arms tired from carrying this torch around? Go do something about it.”
At the moment the only something I wanted to do was leave. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to scour my retinas later if he started kissing somebody else.
“You’re missing out,” Ximena informed Keilani, providing me a much-needed distraction. “If Ford dated students, he would be my new boyfriend.”
Before Keilani could respond, a song came on that was, like, the unofficial jam of our team. Without even speaking, we all moved out excitedly onto the middle of the dance floor. We sang along to the lyrics, dancing and grooving to the beat. For a moment, I forgot. I was just here, with my best friends, living and bouncing and having the best time.
I did a half turn and noticed that Bash was watching me. Fiercely. His hungry gaze was a total kick to the lady parts. He looked at me in a way that made my clothes want to tear themselves off and hope that his followed suit.
Our song ended, and another fast-paced one came on. I kept dancing, my cheeks flushed, trying to pay attention to my friends and not to Bash.
Deja leaned in and said, “I saw someone who looks like an excellent bad decision, so I might be busy for a little while.”
We all always liked to check in with one another if we were thinking about heading off with a guy we didn’t know. We had our own buddy system. “Make sure your phone is on!” I told her.
She waved and set off. I kept dancing, letting the thumping beat block out any thoughts in my head. Without my wanting it to, my gaze returned to Bash. He set down his water bottle on the table and started walking toward me. He did so with intent, like a giant cat stalking his prey. Which was me.
I was mesmerized by him. Like a cobra and a snake charmer. More accurately, he was the cobra, and I was the poor defenseless charmer about to be bitten.
Was it wrong that I didn’t care?
“Don’t stop dancing on my account,” he said when he reached me. Then, like we were at rehearsal, he put one hand on the small of my back and pulled me in close. Something tightened in my lower stomach. This wasn’t ballroom dancing or ballet, but Bash was just as good at dancing to EDM as he was everything else. We danced close, hips swaying to the beat. Little bursts of fire started everywhere he touched me, and then spread out until my entire body felt like it was being consumed. There was heat and sweat and our bodies moving against each other. Everyone around us melted away, and my vision softened, making everything else hazy besides him. There was only us and the driving beat.
He was making me insane.
Until I remembered that he didn’t feel the same.
For him, this was just a dance. It was almost like a slap to the face. Or cold water being poured down my back. I gasped and stepped away.
“E?”
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I couldn’t hope that he might change his mind and want to be with me. I wanted him so badly even my teeth ached.
“I need to go,” I said. “I’m going to go back to the motel and jump into bed.”
He moved in close. “Need anyone to break your fall?”
His words were hot against my earlobe, sending exploding fragments of ice up and down my spine. I expected his face to be teasing, his tone to be light. But they weren’t. What would he do if I said yes? If I told him exactly what I wanted, even though those feelings were why I was in this mess in the first place?
Instead of answering, I walked away. I grabbed my coat from the coat check and left. I stood in front of the club for a moment trying to decide what to do, and the streetlight out front felt like a giant spotlight. I wanted darkness to think. To hide my warring emotions, maybe even from myself. I headed around to the side of the club and leaned up against the wall. It pulsated from the music’s beat the same way fire still pulsated through my veins.
“Ember?”
It was Bash, backlit by the streetlight. I wasn’t strong enough. He had melted too many of the walls I put up to protect my heart. “Go away. That’s what you do best, right? Leave?”
He came over to me, every step moving in time to my heart. Where his name was seared. Bash, Bash, Bash, over and over again. He stopped when he got close. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’m tired. Tired of fighting . . . whatever this is. Because I know how it ends.”
“I’m confused.”
I wanted to tell him it wasn’t my job to explain it to him, but I did anyway. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Act like you want me, when we both know you don’t.”
In the dim light, I saw his eyes darken. “Why would you say that?”
“That night . . . when we were teenagers. Before you left. You touched me, my hips, my stomach, my back, and then . . . you were gone. I thought I grossed you out or something. You made it obvious that you didn’t want me.”
He stepped closer until there was barely any space between us. “Not want you? Are you serious? How could you have thought that?”
“The fleeing was my first clue.” And even though I was being sarcastic, I couldn’t help my voice breaking a little at the end.
Bash reached up and gently stroked the side of my face. “I ran away because of how much I wanted you. And that hasn’t stopped. Not for one minute, not for one second.”
Then he proved his words to be true. He kissed me. Not tentatively, not gently. But to show me without words what he was trying to say.
And he said it incredibly well.
His mouth was moving against mine before I even realized what was going on. My whole body cried out in a rush of feeling and excitement that Bash was holding me, kissing me, and he wanted me.
I felt a little like Sleeping Beauty. Like I’d been in a spell-related coma, and Bash’s kiss was the only thing bringing me back to life. The one man who could breathe embers back into fire.
“Any other questions?” His voice was gruff, sexy.
A thousand questions. A million. But in that moment the only one I could think of was, “When can we do that again?”
“Right now.”
His hands were on my face, in my hair, and I made a mental
note to tell Deja that he most definitely was a holds-your-face kind of kisser.
I grabbed on to his shirt, wanting him closer. He responded by pushing me up against the wall. I had the cold brick at my back and the wall of his warm torso holding me in place. I wanted to get closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, hoping I could somehow fuse every inch of his skin with mine by melting into him.
I deepened the kiss, and I felt his responding groan deep in his chest. He granted my wish for even more closeness, hitting me with a passion I’d only ever seen from him on the football field.
He moved away from my lips, ignoring my protests, and began to plant hot kisses along my cheek, down to my earlobe. When he drew it into his mouth, I grabbed fistfuls of his silky hair, arching toward him.
I panted at his expert touch, how soft his mouth was as he kissed the pulse just behind my ear, nipping along my neck. He stopped, leaning back, and full-blown panic struck me. He couldn’t walk away again. I wouldn’t let him.
Forgetting myself and everything else besides how much I wanted to spend the rest of eternity kissing him, I literally threw myself at him. Jumped up on him, wrapping my legs around his waist.
“Don’t go,” I begged.
“Wasn’t planning on it,” he said, fully into this new situation. His hands went behind me, to keep me in position, and he had me back up against the wall. My coat began to slip as his hands went to just above my hips, gently massaging my mostly bare back.
I should have been cold, but who could be cold while kissing him?
His breath grazed my exposed shoulder, the heat mingling with my cold skin in a way that was so delicious it should have been illegal. He was turning me into liquid fire, an ember becoming a massive bonfire, lighting up the night.
Then his lips were on mine again, feverish, devouring, consuming. I felt like my whole body was going to shatter from the tension he was building.
This man made me want to howl at the moon.
“Do you know it now?” he asked, his voice low and sexy. “Do you see how much I want you? How much I’ve always wanted you?”
Why was he talking? I reached for his lips, but he held himself just out of reach. “E. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. No one else even compares to you. You are incredibly sexy, and I will always want you.”
His words had the opposite effect than what he intended. It made me want to slow down. To think. To figure out what was happening.
“What are we doing? Where is this going?” What would happen past this moment?
He flashed me a devilish smile. “Right now I’m going to nuzzle your neck until you make those panting sounds that I love, but if that doesn’t work for you, I’m open to suggestions.”
Works for me, my traitorous brain thought as my stomach quivered at his plan.
But I couldn’t just be here forever, making out with him outside of a club. With all of our friends inside.
Correction, with some of our friends inside.
“Hey, Ember? When you’re, uh, done with being a baby monkey on Bash there, we just wanted to see if you were ready to go back to the motel. Our car is here.” Deja stood there with Molly and Ximena, who had her mouth open in shock.
“Ye—yes.” It took me a second to make my mouth work properly again. “I’ll come with you.” I started awkwardly disentangling myself from him, then pulled my coat back up over my shoulders. I certainly felt the cold now.
“You don’t have to,” Deja said. “I wouldn’t.”
“Stay,” Bash urged me. “We need to have a conversation. I’ll get you back to the motel. Or we can go back together so that we can talk.”
Much as I had loved every second of what had just happened, it had been too much too fast. “I . . . I need a second. To deal with . . . everything. Can you do that? Can you give me a minute to process this?”
He clenched his jaw, as if barely holding himself in check. “Yeah. Of course. We can wait. Whatever you want.”
Right. It wasn’t like we hadn’t waited an eternity already. I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself so that I wouldn’t be tempted to reach for him.
I walked over to my friends, careful not to look back. Because if I saw him standing there, all stoic and masculine, I would turn around. I got into the car, again refusing to look. I worried that my friends were going to tease me or grill me, but instead they talked to each other. I listened as they chatted about their night. When Molly asked Deja what had happened with her potential hookup, she said, “He had a pet bearded dragon lizard. When a guy owns a reptile, usually there’s some fantasy TV show that I have to pretend to care about, and I was just not in the mood.”
I wanted to be present, to be listening and participating, but my mind was back with Bash. Remembering and reliving every moment. Every touch, every kiss, every caress.
But somehow, it had been better than I could recall. I had an excellent memory and always paid attention to detail, but that . . . that had been otherworldly. Like connecting with him on some astral plane or something.
Bash had wanted to talk, but I was sure that if I’d stayed, there would have been no talking of any kind. Just lots and lots more making out.
It had been everything I’d ever wanted, which made it feel like it couldn’t possibly be real.
It scared me that it was real.
What was I so afraid of? Why couldn’t I just let myself be in the moment with him and enjoy it?
As I looked at the streetlamps that lined the road, watching as our car passed through each pool of light, I realized that if I were being truly honest, I was afraid he was going to leave me again.
And I didn’t think my heart could handle it a second time.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
BASH
Ember canceled the next couple of rehearsals that we’d scheduled. The dance was a week from now, and while we probably didn’t need to practice, I wanted an excuse to see her. She’d asked for some space and time, and although it was killing me to give it to her, I knew I needed to do as she asked.
She’d been showing up late to algebra and grabbing a seat far away from me. Which pained me. I wondered what was going through her head, why she felt like she had to stay away.
When we kissed it had been . . . explosive. Incredible. Beyond. But no lines had been crossed. Things hadn’t gone too far. At least not as far as I was concerned, especially since I’d wanted to take them much further.
Was it about her thinking I wasn’t attracted to her? I thought I’d demonstrated pretty clearly that wasn’t the case. And I was still dumbfounded by the fact that she’d ever thought it in the first place. How could she not know how amazing she was? How it was all I could do to keep my hands off her?
After class Sabrina introduced me to a friend of hers. I had been busy watching Ember pack up her things, so I missed the part where Sabrina and her friend had met. The friend’s name was Gwen, and once I’d said, “Nice to meet you,” Gwen hadn’t stopped talking. Like she’d decided, I was going to exhale anyway so might as well keep saying words.
I tried to pay attention to what she was saying, not knowing what Sabrina was up to until she stood behind Gwen and held both of her thumbs up, mouthing, Go for it!
She was trying to set us up. Me and the girl who would not be quiet. Even when she said, “Wow, I’m talking a lot, aren’t I?” and I nodded, she missed that social cue. I liked a woman I could talk to, but also one that I could be quiet with and have it not feel weird. Like what I had with Ember.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I recognized the touch and the scent that followed quickly after.
Ember. As if my thinking about her had somehow brought her over to me.
Holding my breath, I turned to face her, wanting to both comfort her and be upset with her about how she’d left me to twist in the wind and be accosted by people who didn’t have an off switch.
“Sorry for interrupting, but can I talk to you for a second, Bash?”
I made my apologies to Gwen and walked out into the hallway with Ember. My pulse raced as I waited for her to speak.
“I was hoping we could have practice today. Would that be okay with you?” she asked.
Okay with me? That would be fantastic. “Yeah. I can do that. In about an hour?”
She nodded, giving me a tight smile. I wanted to hold her and kiss that sad face away. I wanted her laughing and happy. Or frantic and passionate. Either worked for me. Anything but this putting me at a distance.
I showed up early to our practice space and felt stupid for having done so. It wasn’t like it was going to make her show up any faster. I just wanted to make sure that I was here and ready to listen.
She walked through the door about fifteen minutes later, during which time I’d worked myself up into a frenzy imagining what she might say.
“Hi!” My greeting was like an overenthusiastic puppy, readying to leap on her. “I mean, hey.”
“Hey,” she returned my greeting. She put down her bag. “Can we sit?”
“Yeah.” I sat down against one of the mirrored walls. She came over and sat next to me, but far enough away that I couldn’t feel her warmth.
“So, sorry for all the weirdness the last few days,” she said, looking straight ahead while I watched emotions flit across her profile.
“I get it.” I didn’t, but it seemed like the right thing to say.
“That makes one of us,” she said with a little laugh. “But Doug came by last night to drop off registration tags for my car that had been mailed to the house, and he seemed sad. I wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing.”
Not how I saw this going. “I mean, I’m dealing. It is what it is. It’s not what any of us wanted, but Marley seems surprisingly okay with it all, and that’s what matters the most.”
“I can see why she’d want to get to know your mom.”
While I understood, it didn’t mean that I approved. But this was Marley’s decision to make.
Ember went on. “And maybe . . . maybe you should talk to your mom, too. Tell her some of the stuff you told me. Find out what her story is. It might make things a little easier for you. Especially where Marley’s concerned.”
Just a Boyfriend Page 19
