Screw that. He doesn’t need to be physically present in order for that to happen. I spent last night tossing and turning again, contemplating if I made a mistake by sending him away. I want him. Physically.
The problem is… physical contact won’t be enough. Not anymore. If it were just sex, I’d have closed the shop and we’d be lying on the floor by now, but I’m too stupid to detach sex from having feelings. It’s my biggest weakness.
I’m such a fool. I let him give me hope—hope to have things that will never be. Hope that he’ll stick with me for the rest of his life, that he’ll never let me down again. We aren’t forever. Nothing in this world is. I can’t fall for him… if it isn’t already too late.
“Ellie… hey, Ellie, are you all right?” Michael waves his hand in front of my face.
I blink. “Uh… sure. Just… thinking what to do about the fireplace.” That’s much safer than thinking about the impossible man in front of me.
“What about red Christmas stockings? You know, so Santa can leave some gifts?”
“That’s… boring. Let’s go with nutcrackers. I have a box full of them in the back. Let me get them.” I brush past him and head to my storage room. Only then do I release my breath. I can’t be around him anymore. We can’t see each other anymore. He’s too tempting with his icy-blue eyes and cocky grin.
Just how do I tell him?
Chapter 24
Michael
I sit down at the dining table and check my phone again. Ellie hasn’t called me back. I’ve left fifty text messages and spoke thirty times with her damn voicemail. And what do I receive? Not a single peep from her.
To make matters worse, she didn’t accept the fifteen flower bouquets I sent to her shop and to her home address since our decoration date at Cozy Cottage last week either. I just wish I knew what went wrong. And how I could’ve prevented it. Everything seemed fine until she collected the damn nutcrackers. After that, she refused to make eye contact and told me she needed quiet to work through her taxes.
Fucking taxes. She didn’t want me around her anymore, that much was clear. The question is why? Is it payback because I threw her out without an explanation after what happened with Johnny?
Or has the novelty of having a boy toy worn off and she isn’t interested anymore? Am I the only one with feelings? This dating game thing is fucking exhausting and confusing as fuck. I’m not a mind reader.
Shouldn’t she communicate rather than shut me out? Lily told me communication was the most important thing in a relationship. But what do you do when the other person doesn’t want to communicate at all?
Is this payback for how I treated women during my old life? Is this how they felt? I might feel a little sorry for them now—not that I made any false promises. They knew from the very beginning what they could and couldn’t have. I made sure of that.
But it’s so much easier to communicate with someone you don’t… have feelings for. The stakes aren’t as high. There’s nothing to lose, only a good night’s entertainment to gain.
With Ellie, my very being is at stake. She’s brought laughter back into my life. She’s made me realize how lucky I was to live my dream, if only part-time. She’s shown me the difference between sex and making love. And yet she doesn’t want me anymore.
This love thing is fucking complicated and more painful than any hit I’ve ever taken during a hockey game. More painful than the moment I sustained the injury that ended my career. Winning is fantastic. Having found your passion in life is fantastic. But finding that one special person is what completes the picture.
If the person wants to complete it. Mine doesn’t. The empty part inside my chest remains as it is.
I’m out of ideas, so I place my hands on the table and drop my head on them. I just want to go into hiding again and forget Ms. Stubborn and the little guy exist.
“Here, my friend. Drink some vodka.” Sergei places a glass in front of me.
My head shoots up. “Can you stop your vodka nonsense, please? I don’t need your services anymore,” I snap.
Sergei takes a step back and leaves the room. Fuck my life. There, it’s done. I fired him. Could I have chosen better words? I could. But… ah, shit. It isn’t Sergei’s fault that Ellie is ghosting me.
“Sergei, wait.” I scuffle to the kitchen area. “I’m… I’m sorry. But it’s true. I don’t need a personal chef anymore. I’ll make sure you get your last paycheck and any reference you need. Thank you for the great work. You’re an amazing cook.”
We shake hands and twenty minutes later, he leaves my house with his belongings stuffed in the same basket they arrived in.
I sink back down on the kitchen table. I’m glad Sergei’s gone. But at the same time….
Now I’m truly alone.
I’m so over… everything. I stare at the glass in front of me, tempted to gulp it down. But I won’t. I was lucky not to develop an alcohol addiction during my depression. I owe it to my new self not to develop one now.
I send the glass flying to the floor where it shatters into a million pieces, covering the floor like ice crystals. I stare at the mess. For the first time since the accident, shattered glass doesn’t bother me. Why would it? It can be cleaned away. I can do something about it.
I might not be able to persuade Ellie to give me… us, a chance, but I sure as hell can take back control over my own life. I won’t go as far as to retrieve the vacuum cleaner from wherever the cleaning lady is hiding it and clean the mess myself, that’s her job. But I’ll leave her a note. Until she has the chance to read it, I’ll ignore the mess and take care not to step on the sharp edges.
My phone chimes, reminding me that I have an important appointment today. Time to improve the range of motion in my knee. I might be feeling like shit, but if I learned one thing as a professional athlete, it was to never rely on motivation or good workout days but to show up every day and put in the work. No matter my state of mind.
I need a routine again; the “living in the day” shit isn’t for me. I’ll have to come up with my own schedule—after I call Emilia and ask for an appointment. Ellie was right. I don’t want to meet her at the Ice Tigers’ headquarters, but that’s no reason not to meet her at all.
My phone chimes again. Fuck my life if I cancel a second time on Danny. He, Lily, and Tyler have been nothing but helpful. I can’t let him down again. I grab my workout gear and collect the car keys on my way out.
Thirty minutes later, I tap my foot, waiting for Danny to enter the private training area in the clinic he works for.
He greets me with a big smile on his face. “Hey, Michael. How are you? How was your date?”
Fucking fantastic when your new physical therapist is also your ex-captain’s roommate and was present during my late-night emergency visit to Lily and Tyler. “Can we not talk about it?”
He shrugs. “Uh… sure. Great to work with you finally. Let’s get started. I—”
“I just wanted to say again how sorry I am to be a no-show at our last appointment.”
“No hard feelings. Life isn’t always easy, is it? And when feelings get involved….” He winks but then rubs his hands. “Now, before we get started. Let’s quickly go over the information I received from your doctor and then let’s talk about your expectations. Okay?”
“Sounds good.”
He rubs his hands and swipes around on his tablet. “Great. So, brief summary for me. You broke the upper part of your shin and the splinters destroyed pretty much every ligament in your knee. During a second operation, your meniscus was removed. Your knee is partially stiff, and the range of motion is limited.” He looks up from the screen. “Sorry to make it sound so clinical.”
“It’s all right. I was there. And I’d rather move forward, instead of looking back.”
Danny nods. “Sounds great. Now, I did some research. We can do some traditional physiotherapy to strengthen the muscles in your leg. But I’d rather not begin with that right away. I have seen ma
ssive improvements with knee injuries using fascia therapy to loosen the fibrous connective tissue around that area before traditional exercises. If you’re up for it, I’d like to start with a fascia massage today. I have to warn you though, especially in the beginning, it can be super painful.”
I blink. I only understood half of what he was saying, but he’s the pro. “Uh… sure. I trust you.”
Danny claps his hands together again. “Great. Let’s get you settled on the massage table and I’ll be right back after I wash my hands. Shouldn’t have touched the tablet.”
A knock sounds on the door. Before Danny can reach the door, Lily peeks her head inside. “I’m sorry about interrupting your training, but… can I talk to Michael for a second?”
“You don’t want to talk to me?” Danny raises an eyebrow.
She winks. “Nope. And please don’t deduct the time from his lesson. This is urgent.”
Hope rises inside me. Maybe Ellie has talked to Lily and whatever the problem is can be swept away like the shattered glass covering my living area right now.
“Do you want me to wait outside?” Danny asks.
“Yes, please.” Lily steps around him and holds the door open for my new physical therapist to leave the room.
Their gazes lock for a second, as if they’re passing a secret, before he brushes past her. Weird.
“Have you spoken to Ellie?” I hardly give the petite woman the chance to close the door.
She strolls toward me. “I might have. The question is, are you ready to talk to her?”
I blow out some air through my nose. “I’m fucking trying to talk to her all the time. I call her. I text her. I—”
“That’s not what I mean.” Lily places her hand on my elbow. I drop my head. “You know, I never really liked you… before your injury.”
My head flies up. Technically, I knew it. She avoided me whenever she attended a team function with Tyler and spoke as little as possible with me, but to hear her say it makes it real.
I press my lips together. “Can’t really blame you.”
“You aren’t that guy anymore, are you?” She walks in a circle around me, looking me over from head to foot. How can this tiny girl make me feel like a schoolboy after he hid his teacher’s bag? Which I did when I was twelve. My parents sure had fun with me.
I look at the cane in my hand and feel the stiffness in my knee. “I don’t want to be that guy anymore.”
She nods, keeping up her circle around me. I slow my breathing until it’s barely existent and take the smallest possible gulps of air. Something’s happening here, but I can’t put my finger on it yet.
She pauses right in front of me. “You sent Ellie the gifts we discussed, right?”
I nod.
“And you took her out?”
I nod again. What the hell does she want from me?
“You were an athlete, weren’t you?” She taps her finger against her lips while she speaks.
“Uh… yes.”
“What’s the most important thing you did to prepare for a game?”
“There were a couple—”
“Like what?”
Sweat breaks out on my forehead. Is this how she prepares Tyler before a game? Poor guy. She’s a slave driver. “Like eating the right food, sleeping enough hours—”
“You’re a bit on the egotistical side, aren’t you?” She walks in a circle around me again.
I try to follow her with my eyes but lose her when she’s right behind me. “Is that a trick question?”
“Did you never watch film and try to find out as much about your opponents as possible?”
Lily appears in the corner of my eyes again. “Sure. I….” I give myself a mental face-palm. I’m such an amateur. “You mean I have to show her that I’m interested in her as a person?”
She places one hand on my arm again. “I mean that you have to learn how to understand her needs better than your own. Have you asked her what she’s most afraid of?”
I frown. “Are you saying I’m a hopeless case?”
“No, what I’m saying is you have to up your game.”
“I need to show her… I need to show her that I’m worth the risk. That… that I won’t let her down.”
She looks at the ceiling and then back into my eyes. “Took you long enough.”
“But how?”
She walks over to the massage table and leans against it with her hip. “What’s your relationship with Johnny like?”
“I wiped his butt for him and read his dino card game a couple of times.”
Lily chuckles. “I think we can build on that. Do you know when his birthday is?”
I shake my head and walk over to her.
“It’s next week.”
“How do you know?” And how do I not know about his birthday?
She shrugs. “I spend time with the little guy now and then. Me and her sister are Ellie’s go-to babysitters. I’ve taken him to the zoo, and I introduced him to my horses.”
I lean against the massage table next to her. “I had no idea. You spent the summer in Europe, didn’t you?”
“I did. Imagine if I’d have been here, and she never had to move in with you.”
I shudder. “I’d rather not.”
“Good.”
“So what should I do?” I hold on to the table with one hand.
She abandons her place and steps right in front of me. Even though she’s the one who has to look up, I feel like I’m a head smaller than her. “I can’t tell you what to do, Michael. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. It’s not my decision. The only thing I can tell you is to be honest with yourself and with Ellie. It’s okay to be uncertain and scared. Half of the excitement of love is this uncertainty. Two people have to want the same thing. My best tip is, communicate. Talk about your feelings. Tell her what she means to you, don’t assume she knows that already. You know what the three magic words are, don’t you?”
I nod. Shit, why haven’t I said the L-word yet. Ellie could be lying in my arms by now. Even the beginner level in this love game is way too difficult for me.
Lily pats me on the arm. “You’ll make the right decision. I’m certain.” She turns to the door, then pauses. “One last thing. Do you know what Ellie’s favorite movie is?”
I grab the table tighter. “Uh… no.”
She leaves the room humming “Moon River.”
I face-palm myself for real this time. Fuck my life. The girl’s a genius. I’ll have to ask Tyler what she likes and buy her a giant present.
A knock sounds and Danny enters the room again. “Are you ready now?”
I shake my head. “Actually, Danny, we have to reschedule. I have a lady to woo.”
Chapter 25
Ellie
“What are you doing here?” Ellie’s face is flushed when she opens the door to her apartment.
“Got an invitation. Lily couldn’t make it but needed someone to deliver her present for Johnny.” Michael waves my son’s dinosaur birthday party invitation and two presents in front of my face and brushes past me. I blink twice. What was Lily thinking? I’d never thought it possible, but the sweet Lily is a traitor. But why would she help Michael, if she doesn’t even like him?
“Mitel.” Johnny’s high-pitched voice rings through the hallway, followed by a much deeper “Hey, little guy. Happy Birthday” while I pause at the door. I’ve tried so hard to ignore him the past week. What am I going to do now? Especially under my sister and her husband’s watchful eyes. I haven’t told her that Michael practically threw us out of his house and dodged any question about him so far. But with him being here, she’ll be on me the minute I’m alone with her.
I brace myself, close the door, and turn to join the others again in the living room where my son has thrown his arms around Michael’s neck in a way I’m afraid the poor man is about to suffocate.
“Johnny, don’t hurt Michael please.” I take my place on the couch again, eyeing my son and my… ex-affa
ir on the floor.
“No ‘urt.” Johnny turns his head in my direction but doesn’t let go of Michael.
“Do you think you can let go of me for a second so I can give you your presents?” Michael mumbles in Johnny’s embrace.
“Tay.” Johnny plops back on his butt and opens his eyes to comical wideness. My heart somersaults in my chest; seeing him so excited makes my day. He loves presents, what kid doesn’t? And if Michael being here makes my son’s day even better, who am I to complain. He’s only here to give Johnny presents. He isn’t here for me.
“This one’s from Lily.” Michael hands Johnny a big present wrapped in blue paper. “And this one is from me.” He puts a smaller box wrapped in red in front of my son as well.
Johnny picks up Michael’s gift and unceremoniously tears the paper apart in a split second. I stifle a laugh—the little man is priceless today.
“Fluit loobs.” Johnny jumps up and down, waving the box of his favorite cereal around and over himself in a way I’m afraid he’ll tumble any second. Michael’s hand shoots out to steady him before I have the chance to abandon my seat on the couch. Our eyes meet, and he raises an eyebrow.
“Thanks,” I mouth, and he grins. Not his signature cocky grin, but a relieved one. Did he expect me to curse him to hell and back for bringing my son a box of cereal? He has to know me better than that.
So much for me being strict and denying Johnny this particular treat today. Or tomorrow. He’s had enough sugar already today, having tasted every one of the three different birthday cakes his aunt Daphne insisted on baking for him. My sister loves to spend time in the kitchen and lavish her nephew with treats, and since my talents lay elsewhere, I let her, grateful that I didn’t have to bake at all.
Johnny took a bite of each cake and gave her a chocolaty kiss on the cheek, which made her day. My sister was happy, which in return made her husband happy. And Johnny is on cloud nine today anyway. Cloud ten now that Michael’s here.
Fighting against Gravity: A Standalone Enemies-to-Lovers Sports Romance (An Ice Tigers Hockey Romance Book 3) Page 22
