Here I Am!
Pauline Holdstock
a john metcalf book
biblioasis
windsor, ontario
Chapter 1
THURSDAY
I will tell you first how I got on board without a ticket. If I don’t you will think I am making it up.
It was easy. First I walked through the big gates with a big crowd of people — but that’s no good. You will just wonder how I got to the gates and how did I know where the boat was. I will answer the first question but not the second one because everybody knows where the boats are. Well. I ran away from my school when I couldn’t stand it anymore and I ran all the way down Princes Street. You can’t get lost because there are great big fat arrows and they have DOCKS written right on them in capital letters. And anyway I knew the way because I have a good memory. MyDad took me there right after when MyMum came home from the hospital so he could show me where we were all going to go when she was herself again and he could take us on holiday to France.
I had to keep running all the way so if I saw anyone they wouldn’t say Oh hallo! Are you lost? When I came near the big sheds where passengers wait for their boats I slowed down because I was exhausted. I was on my last legs! (That’s what you say. As if you have extra sets.) There were a lot of people in the doorway all talking to each other and undoing their cases and doing them up again and looking in their pockets and hugging and being all sloppy. I said Excuse me excuse me excuse me and everyone I said it to sort of moved out of the way just a tiny bit so I could get by and they were so busy doing what they were doing that they did not even look at me.
Inside it was even bigger than I thought and I could only see legs. It was a good job I looked up high because over on the other side there were two giant notices hanging in the air. One said PASSENGERS with the arrow pointing left and one said VISITORS with the arrow pointing right. (Actually, if you were the arrow it was pointing to its left but don’t worry about that. It might confuse you.) I followed the sign that said PASSENGERS because I was going somewhere. And because there was not a sign for PEOPLE WITH NO TICKETS. (That is only a little joke to cheer you up in case you were confused. By the arrows.)
The crowd of people trying to get out of the door for PASSENGERS was even bigger than the crowd of people who had been trying to get inside the shed. I was amazed at how many people were going to France all at exactly the same time as me! I got in really close behind a Mum and a Dad and their kids and sort of squeezed through the door at the same time as them. On the other side you could see the boat only it was a ship. It was gigantic and it was covered all over with strings of coloured triangle flags. They are called buntings. I know that because MyMum told me when we went to the fête up the road for some jam. She said to MyDad I don’t care if it’s church. I’ve run out. They had triangle flags everywhere and that is when she told me what they are called. I asked her if it was the same as Cry Baby Bunting and she said Oh don’t remind me. Then she played Lucky Straws until she won a bottle of sherry and then we went home. Well we started to go home but we had to go back because she had forgotten to buy the jam. And then we went home.
Anyway. I could see the ship and I could see tiny people up at the top of the gangplank trying to get inside. The top of the gangplank was higher than a house. (That’s just a nestimate. You can’t tell exactly because it depends how big the house is.) I could see it even with all the people in front of me. Everyone had to walk all squished together in between big wire fences like the cows in front of us when MyDad had to stop the car only they were hedges then not wire fences. And there wasn’t any music then either. Did I tell you I could hear music? It wasn’t in my head like it is sometimes. You will see in a minute why not. There was not a lot of room between the fences. Someone said Where’s your Mum? And I started to run. I said Excuse me excuse me excuse me because it worked before and sometimes I said Mum! Mum! as well. I pretended I could see her up ahead and she was calling me to hurry up.
And now I will have to stop telling you this because I have thought of something bad. It is very difficult to think about and I can’t do rocking and writing at the same time. You know what they call rocking. Unhelpful behaviour. I’ll just stop for a minute and do counting.
All right. Now I’m better. So. We started going up the gangplank. There was a big clump of people stuck at the top and now my heart was really loud. It was unbelievable. I thought this is what Panic means. It is not at all like Picnic like I used to think it was when I was little. A man said Let him through please and I said Thank you. And then I remembered and this time I said Mum! Dad! A lady said they’re just inside there. It’s OK. I squeezed by and I had done it! I was actually inside the boat. I ran where she pointed and joined up with a Mum and a Dad and a little boy and girl and they didn’t even notice. They were talking to some other people and arguing about which way to go. I gave the girl a hug and she looked really frightened. It made me feel funny too because I don’t like touching strangers but I did it because that is what you’re supposed to do if you’re normal. The adults were still arguing so I said This way and the boy followed me then so did everybody else. They were all still talking and they talked all the way up the stairs. At the top I dashed away really fast and went through a door to the deck outside. I was a board! I told you it was easy.
It was noisy and windy outside. Some rusty music was coming out of a loudspeaker. I thought people were clapping too but it was all the coloured flags flapping. Nearly the same thing. It was really confusing. The people were all talking at the same time only they were practically shouting because of the wind and the flags and the music. I went to stand between two big clumps of passengers. They were looking over the rail and waving. I have told you how high the rail is so I looked under instead. It made me dizzy. All the people who were walking about on the ground outside were really tiny. They were like toy soldiers only people. There were hundreds. Some of them were waving back up at the people who were waving down. There were still more coming out of the big shed and going towards the gangplank where I came up or to the other one where I didn’t. When I dug two water channels in the wet sand at Seagrove it was just like that.
A man said they’re going to play and he pointed to some people down below They were getting musical instruments out. They made a lot of bad noises and then when they had all had a little practice they started to play. I could hear something like Christmas but the sound kept blowing away and you could only hear the loudspeaker. It was playing a different tune. The people next to me waved down to the people on the ground and some of the people on the ground waved up. I started to feel dizzy like when I have to lie down and do screaming. I rested my forehead on the rail like I rest it on the tree in the playground but it didn’t help so I squeezed back out and went to look for somewhere away from everybody. I thought if everyone is up here all around the edge I will find somewhere inside and I went in and down the stairs again. There were still tons of people coming up. When I got down I turned right and went along by some places that looked like shops but they were closed. Then there were more stairs. They had a thick blue rope across. I ducked under and ran down. At the bottom there was another big rope across with a picture of a red hand hanging from it. I thought Good. No one will come here and I ducked under again. I started walking along the corridor. There were so many doors! It was unbelievable. If you looked in the open ones you could see a little room with a bed. They were all the same. Cabins! Silly me! And just when I thought Cabins a door of one opened and two people came out talking to each other. They went along the passageway up in front of me and they didn’t look at me at all. But then they stopped and the lady said Oh no! She started looking in her handbag and the man said I’ll g
o back for you and I thought Oh no just like the lady. She said No. I’ll go back. I went into one of the open cabins and closed the door. If she had been looking she would have thought I just disappeared. That’s how quick I was.
There was nobody inside. Thank goodness. But just standing in the room did not feel safe. I wanted to do real hiding like tight because the panic was getting worse so I went underneath the bed. It was not very high. I wriggled right under until I felt safe and curled up. It was nice and quiet. I thought I could stay there until we got to France. It was better hearing things all tiny and far away and there was a big soft sound like humming. I was exhausted. I had been awake a long time because I had got up really early to see if MyMum was awake remember? Oh no. I have not told you yet. I will tell you about it later. But only if I feel like it.
Anyway I was exhausted. I was exhausted for what had happened to MyMum and exhausted for trying to make people understand and exhausted of being mad with them and their stupid faces and all of the stupid lies you can hear in their stupid voices when they say things they don’t really mean and you know they don’t understand and they think you are lying anyway when you are not. I tried not to think about screaming because if I think about it I remember how nice it is and then my mouth opens and my throat just does it all by itself and I can’t stop it. So I listened to the humming instead. It was nice and soft and plain and far away and not all jumbled up and batting on my head with all different noises like outside with all the loud people and the rusty music and the wind and the clapping flags and everything at the same time. There was another kind of loudness too. It was everywhere and it was huge only it wasn’t up close and banging in my ears. I liked it. It was sort of far away and inside me at the same time. And then I was sitting in MyDad’s car and we were at the traffic lights and waiting and waiting and waiting and MyMum was outside and waving at us through the window and smiling but MyDad didn’t see her. He said These lights are a bloody long time. Then something banged on the roof of the car and when I opened my eyes there were two suitcases in the room and I could see people’s legs walking about on the carpet. One set of legs for a man and two for grannies! I could tell by their shoes and by their podgy granny feet. One of the suitcases disappeared and landed on top of my bed. I could hear my heart ticking and my teeth were all nervous and ticking back. The man said When you’ve unpacked your cases will fit nicely under your births. I thought What? It sounded a bit rude so I closed my eyes. One of the grannies said Thank you and the man said Thank you thank you very much and went away. I could hear the door closing. And I could still hear my heart juddering. The grannies laughed. One of them said This is it Clare. We’re sailing the ocean blue. Me and you. And they both laughed again. The other one said Never mind the suitcases. Let’s go back on top again and wave goodbye. I could hear the first one saying I expect it’s gone by now and then the door closed.
I opened my eyes. No legs. All quiet. Only silly me stuck under the bed. I am not really a stupid person but it was a really stupid idea to hide under a bed. I must have been mad. Like a lunatic I mean. I needed to wee straight away so I crawled out and went into their bathroom. Everything felt a bit dangerous especially the grannies. I did not want them to know I was all by myself so when I had finished and washed my hands a hundred times (eight really because I had to be quick) and had a big drink of water I peeped out into the corridor. If I could find a different place to hide and stay there all the way to France even though I was starving I could get off with the rest of the people and go straight to the police station to ring MyDad. The policemen would give me something to eat. I could see some people nearby and lots of people up at the end. I waited until the nearby people were farby and then I slipped out of the room. That is what thieves do only they usually slip inside places and when they leave they run off with jewels and money. I ran off empty-handed haha. I could not steal a whole suitcase or a sink or a toilet. I did not go back under the big blue rope because it wasn’t there. I went the other way instead to see where the farby people were going. All the doors looked the same. One of them opened when I went past so I walked a bit faster. A man’s voice said Well he knows where he’s going. We’ll just follow him and a lady’s voice laughed even though it wasn’t a joke. There were two other people coming the other way. They both said Hallo! And my heart did a little jump but they were talking to the people behind me. Thank goodness! They went by me and stopped to do chatting with the people behind. I heard the second people say Yes up on the sun deck. It’s really nice and a man said It won’t be in the rain. They were all still laughing when I went round the corner at the end of the passageway. I followed some people through a door and then it closed behind me. We were in a lift! But how was I to know? A lift on a boat! I did not expect that. Someone said Sun deck anyone? And everyone said Yes Please! When the doors opened I could see we had come to exactly where I had started. Everyone got out and went outside to do looking over the rail. It was a bit surprising. We were still in the same place but the band on the ground had packed up and gone home for tea. After a minute the loudspeaker stopped playing music and made a nannouncement. It said, Ladies and Gentlemen it is now time for all visitors to leave the fare well lounge and disimbark the vessel. Please make your way to the exit door at the port side — the left hand side — of the lounge. Thank you. And then it said it again. (You probably think I am making up the words but I am remembering them. I remember all the separate words people say. Miss Kenney even made me say what was on the wireless.) I could see people walking down the gangplank a little way away. It made me feel funny. I started counting. I thought If I get to three hundred and thirty-three I will change my mind and be a visitor and go down the gangplank. I did not know whether to count slow or fast. I wanted to see MyMum again but it was nearly time for MyDad to come home and probably he would start to cry when he saw her. I decided to count just normal but go to my second favourite (five hundred and fifty-five) instead. I had got to four hundred and twelve when the loudspeaker came on again and guess what? It was the Captain. He said Ladies and gentlemen good afternoon. This is a message from Captain Pondringum. Welcome aboard. In fifteen minutes we shall be conducting a lifeboat drill. Please listen attentively to all further announcements and follow the instructions carefully. Thank you.
Everyone started looking around and moving about and some of them were saying What are we doing? Where are we going? They had not been listening very attentively. Someone said boat drill. You know — like fire drill. The loudspeaker came back on and it was someone else. He told all the passengers to go to their cabins if they had not done so already to get their life jackets and to assemble with their life jackets in the Queen’s Room on the quarter deck. I did not have a cabin so I did not know where to find a life jacket. I wanted to do the boat drill then I would know what to do if we started sinking. It made me very nervous. Some people already knew what to do because they were walking about with their life jackets on and their chests puffed out. Some people think they know everything. Show-offs. They were going over to the stairs so I followed them. A man in a white uniform was standing by the stairs. He had a whole bunch of life jackets and he said You need your life jacket. Where’s Your Mum and Dad? I said I think MyMum is asleep and it was kind of true and not true. He looked at me a bit funny. I said I’ll go and get her. He said No you won’t. You might miss her (and that was a bit true too). You stay here. There were people all coming now with their life jackets and it was getting confusing. He said Here take this one in case she forgets yours and he pulled out a really tiny one from the bunch. I was a bit insulted but I said Thank you because you have to. Then I said I can see her! and I went up the stairs. It was really loud in the Queen’s room. I was glad because the noise kind of covered up the lie I said about MyMum which was still playing in my head. Everyone was talking at once and making jokes. Most of the jokes were about the Titanic. I started counting. I heard the same joke eight times —Women and children first. It made everyone
laugh (except me). It means women and children get saved first when the ship is sinking. I don’t know why it made all the men laugh. I expect they were just nervous. Sometimes I laugh when I am nervous. Actually lots of times. It is one of the things MyDad always says we have to talk about because it makes life difficult. The other joke was Man overboard and that was a little bit funny because it’s what MyMum used to say when she chopped carrots and they fell on the floor. It was a tie between Abandon ship! And Man overboard! Three each.
The room got more and more crowded and some of the people had to stand on the stairs. I could not see very much. Twice I had to move my place because I could feel the person beside me looking at me. Then the announcement began again only this time it was a man with a microphone. He was standing on a little stage. He explained what the ship’s whistle would do if we were in danger. He asked everyone to be quiet and we had to wait quite a long time because people were still making jokes. When he started speaking again nobody heard because his microphone was switched off. Then we heard the ship’s whistle blowing and his microphone came on again but not so loud. Someone shouted Turn your microphone up and the whistle stopped and he said Followed by one long blast. Everyone was saying What? and not really listening while he said it all again. Some people were saying How many? So I said Seven (because I had been counting). Eight if you count the long one. And he was saying — The signal to go your lifeboat station. And then the ship’s whistle sounded again and we couldn’t really hear him.
When it had stopped he said Please attend carefully to the following instructions. At the sound of seven short blasts followed by one long blast (eight see!) of the ship’s whistle all passengers must go to their cabins and put on their life jackets. You must then make your way to your assined emergency station where you will await orders from the officer in charge of your station. Two people started whispering the same joke again. Perhaps they hadn’t heard it before. The man with the microphone said You will find the number of your emergency station on the instructions posted in your cabin. The instructions also show how to put on your life jacket. We will review these instructions with you now. Please follow along. Place the life jacket over your head and grasp the tapes in front with opposite hands. Pass the tapes behind you and cross them at the back then bring them to the front and tie them securely with a double bow. Everyone looked like people in a book. The man beside me could not make a double bow. He looked as if he was playing with his willy so I started laughing. It was very hard to stop. It was my nerves. The lady on the other side next to me said Where’s Your Mum and Dad? so I went away to stand where she couldn’t see me. I could hear that kind of ringing starting. Not in the ship (that would have been a fire). In my head. When I started listening again the man was saying Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen. He said That is the end of the lifeboat drill. Cocktails will be served here in the Queen’s Lounge at five thirty — but not to anyone still wearing a life jacket. Everyone laughed at the same time so I put my hands over my ears.
Here I Am! Page 1
