I said I didn’t say anything.
She said What?
I said You can’t not believe me because I didn’t say anything.
She did a funny face like if you’re in a comic and you hit your finger with a hammer and she said Well it’s a bloody good job I said Yes that’s all I can say.
I went out to the garden to think about that. It did not make any sense.
I do not always understand MyMum. Sometimes I think she will be pleased and she’s not. When I told her how Miss Kenney makes all the kids say their favourite colours one by one and then I have to tell the visitors how many reds how many blues how many pinks and all the other colours (I like that) she went into the school and told her off. I did not know you could tell off a teacher. MyMum said You can tell off any mm-mm (that was a swear) person you like. (I don’t like it when she does a swear. MyDad has rows with her when she does that.) I said I like playing that game. But MyMum said You are not a trained monkey. I didn’t tell her that a monkey could not do that because it can’t speak. I could hear in my head all the things MyDad would say back.
I stayed outside until MyDad came home. He came to find me in the shed and he had his special kind voice on that always means he has something bad to say. He said Frankie. Mum (that’s what he calls her even though she’s not his Mum) and I have agreed that it would be a good thing if you see another teacher at the school.
I said what do you mean See?
He said Talk to. (That is the trouble when you talk to adults. They get mixed up.)
He said I think it’s a good idea.
I said Who then?
He said We don’t know yet.
It didn’t sound like a very good idea to me. It sounded like they had only just thought of it so I didn’t say anything.
Then he said Come inside and have some tea and he put his face down and looked inside my eyeballs. He said Cheer up Chuck. It might never happen. But I knew it would and I was right.
One day at school Miss Kenney said There’s someone to see you Frankie. I knew she didn’t mean see. She meant talk to you. It made me feel nervous. It was a skinny man and he had a little pointy beard. It looked disgusting up close. He put out his hand and said Hallo Frankie. My name is Mr Mack. Let’s go in the quiet room shall we. I thought Let’s not but I had to because grown-ups always get their way. He asked me tons of questions and I got confused. When Miss Kenney asks questions I always know the answer. Like what is seven sevens? Or where is the River Thames? (When Robert asked that in class she said London but I told her actually London is not a very good answer because the River Thames is actually in lots of places. She said I hope you’re not trying to be a smart Alec Frankie.) Mr Mack’s questions were useless. He asked things like How do you feel when you hear the bell for playtime? And Do you like playing outside or inside? All of the answers were the same. I had to say It depends about fifty times. Mr Mack was bored too because he kept doing a big sigh. He didn’t come back again. Maybe he got the sack haha. It always makes you feel better if you do a joke. MyMum thought it was funny too.
A dog would be good for a friend. No one ever has a nargument with their dog. I would really love one. I asked MyMum and MyDad once but they said no. That was right after I laughed at my dead fish. It was the day after. They said I was not old enough to take care of it. MyMum said any little boy who can slide his dead fish along the kitchen floor just because he thinks it’s funny doesn’t deserve a dog. Only I didn’t think it was funny. I thought it was interesting. It was like he was all frozen so he was really slidey and you scored a goal if he went between the legs of the green stool.
I got in trouble when he was alive too. I dug up some worms and I chopped them up on the top step so I could feed them to him. I put some in his fishbowl. Everybody knows fish eat worms. They even sell worms specially for fish. But when MyMum saw them floating about in the bowl she screamed a tiny bit and she came to find me. I had gone back to the step to finish chopping up the others. Some of the bits were still wriggling. It was very interesting.
MyMum said Did you do this?
It was a stupid question because MyDad was at work so it could not have been him. She said Did you? Did you. Did you? about fifty times. That’s a nexaggeration. It was three times. I nodded for yes.
She said What with?
That was a more interesting question because I could not guess why she wanted to know what I did it with. So I said Why do you want to know? and she smacked me on the back of the leg and then she said Go away. Just go away.
Now I feel bad I wrote about MyMum because you will think she is not a nice person. But she is. Was. I know she was. That’s why I don’t have to cry.
Len
I had to tell them about Val last night. I couldn’t avoid it. If I could have kept it secret I would have. For your sake, Patti. Out of respect, I mean. But they asked me to account for my whereabouts Tuesday night. I said the White Hart just outside Ipswich and they checked, didn’t they. I’m so stupid. I never guessed I was under suspicion. For your murder. Dear God, Patti. I’ve been a shit in the worst way, but good God you know I’d never hurt you. I couldn’t believe it. Of course they said there was no record at the White Hart. They said if I couldn’t account for my whereabouts I could be detained, and they advised me “in the strongest possible terms” to comply. I had to give them the name of the hotel we used, I had to, and they checked that too. That’s when I had to give them Val’s name. It took me a while to remember her surname. And I didn’t have a clue where she lived. Not that any of that matters. I’d let them put me in the dock — I would, I swear! — just to get you back.
But they let me come back home. I couldn’t face the bedroom, so I got the travel rug and slept on the settee. Or didn’t sleep. I was awake most of the night. At first I started to pray to you, you know that? Really prayed, as if you could somehow perform miracles. Asking you over and over to come back to me. I bargained with you, said I’d give you everything, give you anything you had to have — booze, blues even. I’d give my whole life, I wouldn’t care. Just to have you back. And have Frankie.
The later it got the more I started to think it had all been a terrible mistake. They wouldn’t take me to see you yesterday so anything was possible in the silence and the darkness. I could think it was someone else. Even after what they told me. Even after they said it was Mum who found you. I began to tell myself she was mistaken. She was in shock. She couldn’t think straight. It was one of your friends she’d found. She hadn’t looked long enough. It wasn’t you at all. You’d run off somewhere with Frankie. That’s what I really wanted. Then you’d both be alive somewhere. After that I went round and round in circles. Convinced myself it was you. Mum identified you but you weren’t really dead. Only unconscious. You would defy the odds and wake up. Yes, why not? You were awake and — at the very same moment in the middle of the night that I was lying on the settee thinking it — they were taking you across town to the hospital. You do hear about miracles, don’t you? Why not for me? For us, I mean. And if you could be alive, why not Frankie too?
Today everything’s changed. I’ve seen you now and I wish to God I hadn’t.
There’s no mistaking dead. Not when you see it with your own eyes.
When I got up this morning I knew that was all wishful thinking but it still hadn’t sunk in, not really. It felt good just to have made it through the night. I went straight to the station. Mum was already there. She can make you feel bad for no reason. It’s as if she knows everything you do. All she said was, Len. But she had tears in her eyes. We both did. We’ll get to the bottom of this, she said, and gave my arm a squeeze. But I couldn’t squeeze back.
There was a lot of waiting around next. Verification this, confirmation that. So many forms to get typed up, a lot of “Sign here, please,” statements, affidavits, you name it. After that they said I should go and find something to eat. As i
f I could. Mum said, I’ll wait here. I’ve had breakfast.
I went up the road and smoked a couple of cigarettes. Julie was there when I got back. You can’t look each other in the eye too long, times like this. We hugged each other. It’s all you can do. There isn’t anything you can say really either.
They came and asked if I was ready and I nodded. The others said they’d wait. I couldn’t believe where I was being taken. Chapel Street’s always only ever been a joke to us. You wouldn’t want to end up in Chapel Street! Right.
Oh, Patti. I can’t ever not see what I saw. I only looked for seconds but you were so far gone. Sunk down into yourself. Except for your belly. I couldn’t help noticing you looked pregnant and my mind began to race. Thinking that was part of it. Afterwards, I asked, and the attendant was embarrassed, you could see that. It’s part of the process, he said, sir. Looking guilty, poor chap, as if “the process” were his fault. He looked so crestfallen. I had to fight the tears, then. Oh dear God I won’t forget it ever. Your face. Your poor face. They’d glued your mouth shut. You could see some of it squeezed out between your lips. Oh Patti. Oh my poor Patti. You never left me the time to make it all up to you. We’d never have had all those rows if we’d known what was coming. I keep asking myself if Frankie saw you. Where is he, Patti? I don’t want to see him there next. He’s all that matters now. Tell me where he is. I need your help.
When I got back to the station it seemed as if we were finally doing something useful. They were working in an interview room drawing up a list of places to look: the library, the railway station, the bridge over Wallingdon Road, the clock tower, One Tree Hill, the pet shop; making a list of friends’ names — well there was only one — to add to the list of his classmates off the register; listing all the parks, sweet shops, toy shops. Mum working on it, and Julie. It was all bright ideas and brain waves until suddenly I couldn’t stand it anymore. I broke down. We needed you, Patti. We need you. I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how.
I said, I need some air.
Detective Sergeant Mickleson said, It would be more useful if you could stay, sir. Would you like a cigarette? I said, Thank you, and he lit it for me.
Then Mum said, Ahem, and he said, I beg your pardon, and offered her the open pack. She turned to Julie and said, You want one, too, Julie? And when Julie said, Please, she took two and handed one to her.
So there we all were, puffing like chimneys, and suddenly it all seemed pointless. You wouldn’t have sat there that long, I know that. I put mine out. I said, Look, haven’t you got enough now? Isn’t it time you got some officers out there?
Sergeant Mickleson said Most of our officers are conducting enquiries, Mister Walters — concerning Francis, that is.
I said, Shouldn’t we be out searching? I mean, actually searching.
He said, It takes time to organize.
Mum said, I’ll organize you.
He ignored her and said, I’ve sent someone to all the clubs, and charities, the SSAFA, the Good Samaritans…We’ll see if we can’t get some more manpower on it. That should help.
I just nodded. I tell you I was that close to losing it.
Chapter 5
SATURDAY AN
(Still)
The sea and the sky were different colours when I went outside the next time. You couldn’t make the line disappear. You could always tell which was which. Sort of purple grey and navy black. The line went up really really far. And down far as well. (Of course.) You didn’t even have to do anything. You only had to stand still (if you could) and it did it all by itself. It was soothing and woozy at the same time.
Then a man came and stood right next to me and ruined everything. His hand was on the rail in my way. It was podgy. And he was singing.
— A sailor went to sea sea sea to see what he could see see see.
I didn’t want to look at him because it’s a rude song. They sing it at school. But he was carrying on anyway.
— But all that he could see see see.
He stopped singing and he bended down towards me. He was too close. He said Do you know the rest?
It was the bottom of the deep blue sea sea sea but I wasn’t going to tell him because that’s the rude part. When the girls in the playground get to it they stick their bottoms out and smack them. And sometimes other people do.
He was singing it to himself anyway. But purposely so I could hear.
I just carried on doing looking far away so I wouldn’t have to see if he stuck his bottom out.
I looked the other way and waited for him to go. Then I heard him say Cheer up it might never happen and I was scared he was going to put his arm round me. I could smell him doing breathing right by my ear. Eck! He smelled like a pub. Then he did a horrible thing. He whispered Boo like he was right inside it. I could hardly breathe.
I still didn’t turn round to look but after a minute (of course I was counting) he went.
That’s a relief then Chuck! MyMum is the best. It was as if she could still talk to me. I heard her say Just go the other way then.
I did super-duper fast walking and looking over my shoulder, like a spy. He wasn’t following me. I could see him getting smaller and smaller. I kept watching because it was very interesting. Usually when you are walking you see things getting bigger and bigger.
But then I had a naccident. I bumped right into the blind man! He knocked me down so I was on my back!
— I’m sorry.
He was saying it to me! It was the funniest thing I had heard.
— Hahahahahahaha!
— I recognize that voice! Hallo.
— Hahahahahaha! I can’t stop. (I really couldn’t.)
— Are you all right? (That was two people both at the same time. A lady was asking him and he was asking me. That only made it worse.)
— Haaahaaahaaahaaa!
— We’re fine thank you. (Him.)
— Come on, dear! Up you get! You’re right in his way. (The lady.)
— He’s fine. We’re both fine. Thank you. (Him.)
— Make him stop! HAHAHAHAHA! (I couldn’t help it. It was Alec. He was licking me.)
— He thinks you’re hurt because you’re on the ground. He’s probably trying to make you better.
— Make him stop!
— He’ll stop if you get up.
— All right. I’m getting up. (I stopped laughing too.)
— Good boy, Alec. Can I pat him?
— Well let’s take him over to the chairs.
— He’s supposed to take you. Hahaha.
— Don’t start again!
— All right.
We sat in the deckchairs even though it wasn’t sunny. I was out of breath. It was like the time I fell down laughing in the playground when the boy hit the dinner lady right after she told him What a good boy! You are really growing up.
Alec sat in-between us and let me pat him and the blind man let him let me.
I said He’s a good dog.
The blind man said He’s still learning.
I said What’s he learning?
The blind man said How to be calm. How to be with people.
Then we stopped talking. It was nice. I stopped patting Alec so we were all just doing sitting. All three of us. I liked it. The boat was rocking forward and back very very slowly. It was actually better than when you do rocking yourself. Sometimes one of the souls went by and said Hallo. Then the blind man said Hallo. And once I did. It made me start talking again.
— How did you know I was on the ground?
— I could hear you.
— Bats knows where things are.
— Exactly.
— You’re very clever aren’t you?
— I think you’re probably quite smart too.
— And Alec is.
>
We were all quiet again. Just like before. Then he heard something. He said Those must be petrels. He spelled it for me. There were three birds like little black seagulls flying beside the boat. I wished he could see them. We didn’t do talking for a long time but then I accidentally asked another question and that was the end of being quiet.
— What number are you?
— Pardon me?
— What number are you?
— You mean how old?
— No. On your door.
— Oh. sixteen forty-two. What number are you?
— Seventy-three thirty-three. (That’s not really a lie because I don’t have a door anyway.)
— Is it a nice room?
— It’s a cabin. (Now it’s a lie.)
— Of course. Is it nice?
— Yes, thank you. Is yours?
— Yes thank you. It’s very comfortable.
— Can I see it?
— Oh I don’t know about that.
— Well you definitely can’t see mine hahaha.
— All right. Very funny.
— How do you find it when you want to go to bed?
— It’s easy. A very nice steward showed me the way on the first day.
— You said showed me.
— Well that’s what he did. It’s on deck six.
— Does Alec know the way?
— He does now.
— How do you know when you get to your door?
— What do you mean? If I can’t see?
— Yes.
— I count the doors
— One thousand six hundred and forty-two?
— Haha. No. Three. My cabin is the third one along from the lift.
— You go in the lift?
— You do ask a lot of questions.
Here I Am! Page 8
