She said Would you like to go up again to the very top?
I said Yes please so she said All right. Let’s do that. We went back in and went up all the way to seventeen and then down again to seven and MyMum said Right. I’m ready now.
There was a big desk and then a long corridor painted green and a shiny floor and four nurses with hats. One of them looked at us and said Visiting is over. Sorry. And another one came over and said I’m sorry. Children aren’t allowed on this floor. MyMum said But I can’t leave him all alone and the second one said I’m sorry again.
MyMum said I have to see Jack Walters. The first one said Visiting hours are — but the second one put her hand on her arm so she stopped before the end. The second one said Your little boy can stay with me.
That’s when I ran because I saw MyGran. She had come out of a room when no one was looking and she was walking down towards the other end of the corridor blowing her nose.
MyMum shouted stop but I didn’t. Only Gran did.
She said Oh Frankie. Go back to Mum.
I held onto her legs and pretended I didn’t hear.
She said What’s she doing bringing you here?
I said We’ve come to see Uncle Jack.
She said Go back.
The second nurse came and got hold of me and said Let go or your Gran will fall down so I did even though I knew it was a kind of trick.
The second nurse took me back the way I had come and went behind the desk and said We’ll wait right here. You go ahead Mrs Um and MyMum went ahead. She didn’t say anything to me. The second nurse said Your mum will come back and get you.
MyMum walked down the corridor and put her arms round MyGran and after they had done hugging for a long time she went in the room. I was terrified but I tried not to let anyone see. Then the nurse said She’ll come out in two shakes and I didn’t know what she was talking about. I had a picture of MyMum coming out of the room all wobbly like a bad old woman so I fell down and did loud laughing and kicking. When I had finished MyMum was looking down at me. She said We’re going home now but it was like she was talking to the floor. MyGran was there too. She was buttoning up her coat. She said Get up. I think she was really mad. The first nurse gave MyMum some biscuits wrapped in a thing like a tea towel and said You can give him these. MyMum didn’t even say Thank you. She didn’t talk to me at all — not when MyGran said take him down in the lift and not when we were downstairs waiting. I said I didn’t say Goodbye to Uncle Jack but she didn’t take any notice. She still didn’t say anything when MyGran came. MyGran said We’ll get the bus to the station. It’s quicker. I said What if my legs are tired? No one answered me. They were really grumpy.
Gran did all the talking. She kept saying There was no warning none at all. And It’s the doctors it’s the doctors they should have known they should have. She was sitting beside MyMum on the train and MyMum was holding her hand. I was glad she wasn’t holding mine because she looked cross. MyGran started telling when Uncle Jack fell down so I put my fingers in my ears and did loud singing. I stopped when her mouth stopped moving and carried on when it started again.
After I had sung all the songs I know MyMum got up and took my fingers out of my ears. She whispered Gran wants you to stop. I whispered I want Gran to stop. Gran said It’s all right Frankie. I’ve stopped. I’m all done in. Let’s all try and have a little nap.
They tried but I didn’t. I just watched everything going by backwards. And then it was dark and I could only see myself. I watched myself blinking and then I closed my eyes.
When we got home MyDad was there. He was shouting a bit saying I was worried sick. MyMum said Poor you but she didn’t really mean it. Straightaway after she said Oh sorry sorry sorry I’m so sorry. She said Mum (that’s what she calls MyGran) is staying here tonight and MyDad said What’s happened? I ran upstairs before they could start telling. Especially the bit about me. I did all the things I’m supposed to do all in the right order and got into bed but nobody noticed.
The next day was school. MyMum wrote me a note to tell about going to Waterloo and she gave me some dinner money. When I went home at the end there was no one there. I sat on the step at the back and waited. Denby knew I was there because he barked all the time. It was a good job we have a brick wall between our houses. I waited a long time but I didn’t mind (except for Denby) because when MyMum comes back from the shops she has sweets. Except she didn’t this time. She made me some baked beans to make up for it and then we went to the park.
When we got back she let me have baked beans for dinner too. She didn’t have any. She didn’t have anything. I said Is Dad having baked beans? And she said your Dad and Gran went to Waterloo. I said to see Uncle Jack? She said Yes. They didn’t come back until after I was asleep.
In the morning My Dad was at work. My Gran was still asleep in the spare room. MyMum looked like Christmas morning when we all stay in our pajamas.
I said Uncle Jack’s dead isn’t he? I said Did the hospital kill him? You said it nearly killed me.
She stared at me for a whole long time then she said He’s getting buried on Friday.
I said can I come? I really want to see the hole.
She got up from the table and went to the sideboard and opened the door and slammed it shut again. She said I have to go out.
I said To Waterloo?
When Friday came I didn’t see the hole. I had to go to school instead.
Afterwards MyMum was always doing sleeping or drinking sherry or going somewhere to be private. Sometimes she didn’t get up at all and MyDad was worried. He said I am I’m worried sick about you Patti. I’m the one who’s lost someone. They did lots of arguing in the bedroom. I don’t know what they argued about but MyDad was always telling MyMum to drop it for God’s sake. One day he said You’ll drive yourself mad. He said You can’t bring him back. I didn’t know what he was talking about because I was already there.
One day I asked MyDad if MyMum had driven herself mad yet. He didn’t answer me. He just said Frankie Frankie Frankie. Then he went and had a great big row with her in the bedroom. It was so loud I went in the shed again.
Now I’ve told you lots of things I didn’t mean to. I was only going to tell you how Gordon Knight made me remember MyMum because he had his hands over his face like she did. But you know what? You know I said I remember everything? It’s not true. I have only just remembered going to Waterloo so that means I had forgotten it. Right? And here’s another thing. One day MyDad did lots of shouting and got her handbag and opened it and tipped everything (EVERYTHING!) into the toilet. MyMum was crying and kneeling down and even putting her hands in to get everything out. And MyDad said Patti look at yourself! But no one can look at themselves unless they have a mirror and MyMum was kneeling down so I said That’s stupid! She can’t.
They stopped shouting at each other when they heard me. I said Anyway she’s mad now. MyMum wanted to wipe her eyes but her hands had been in the toilet so she couldn’t. She didn’t even want my hanky.
She got up said I’ll just wash my hands. And she sounded completely normal. But I didn’t tell her that.
Now I feel bad in case you think MyMum was like the man up the road who shouts ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL! She wasn’t. She was completely nearly normal the next day and the next day and the next day and all the other days. Sort of. She still did shouting sometimes when she got angry-mad like with Miss Kenney when she said I couldn’t do division yet because it would make me confused or like with Father Morgan when he said for us to tell our Mums and Dads they have to give a shilling week to Mission because God doesn’t let little black babies into heaven if they haven’t been baptized. She still did swearing too like B-L-O-O-D-Y and B-U-G-G-E-R. But most of the time she was just like a real Mum. She made me nice things to eat and cups of tea and she gave me butter balls when I had a cough. I liked her better than anyone else’s Mum except wh
en she got sloppy and wanted to do cuddling too long. It’s a waste of time when you could be reading. (MyDad wouldn’t have minded. But he was always in Ipswich.)
You know what? He did have tears Gordon Knight did when he came back from the rail and his nose was red too. He had been there a whole long time and he came back very carefully. His sunlounger creaked when he got on it.
I said Why didn’t you take Alec?
He said You’re awake.
I said Yes. Why didn’t you take Alec? Were you going to jump in the sea?
He said Oh my goodness. Then he said Why ever would I do a thing like that?
(Do you want to do the saids yourself? The next one is me.)
— I don’t know. That’s why I want you to tell me.
— It wasn’t a real question Frankie. It was a manner of speaking.
— MyMum said (I said that) sometimes people are so unhappy they’d rather be dead.
— What made her say that?
— Me. I was reading the Manchester Guardian. Why are you laughing?
— I’m sorry. It just sounded funny. Go on.
— It wasn’t funny. It was all about a lady who put stones in her pockets and then sewed them up and walked into the middle of a deep river to get drowned.
— That’s a sad story.
— I told you it wasn’t funny. Is that what you were thinking about when you were doing standing?
— What?
— Getting drowned?
— No. Absolutely not. I was thinking I’m glad the six-year-old boy I used to be is still alive.
— What do you mean?
— Inside me.
— Hahahahahaha. Like a mum expecting a baby.
— It’s a manner of speaking.
— Like pretend?
— Sort of.
— Well MyMum is inside me.
— Is that right?
— Yes. Only she’s not pretend. She’s real. Because my head’s real. You’re not saying anything. Do you believe me?
— Of course.
— People are always not believing me.
— They’ll learn. You’re going to have a lot to teach people.
— I’m not going to be a teacher. I’m going to be someone who helps people nobody listens to. Who was your first dead person?
— Weren’t we supposed to be thinking of things we really like?
— I like MyMum and she was my first dead person. Except for Uncle Jack but they wouldn’t let me see him. And Grandad but he was inside his coffin with the lid on so he didn’t count and Uncle George but I didn’t want to see him and my sister but she wasn’t a person yet.
— I see.
— Hahahaha. You’re funny.
— Thank you.
— So who was it?
— You’ve been thinking a long time now. (It’s me again. I was being very patient.) Are you going to tell me?
— It was a friend. He was very beautiful.
— Beautiful! Hahahaha. A man! And a dead one. Hahahaha. And you can’t see anyway.
— Ssh. You don’t have to see to know if somebody is beautiful.
— But he was a man.
— Anyone can be beautiful. Anything can be if you love it enough.
— I want to hear about your dead person.
— He was very kind and very funny. He used to make me laugh every day.
— But I want you to tell me about him dead.
— Why?
— Because I keep thinking about MyMum.
— All I know Frankie is that his hands were very cold.
— Same!
— It was like touching the statue of a person.
— You couldn’t see him though?
— No I couldn’t see him. But I touched his face. It was almost as if it were someone else pretending to be him.
— Like a nimposter?
— Yes. Exactly. Like a nimposter. You know what? It’s much much better if I remember him alive. It’s as if I can still talk to him.
— And he can talk to you.
— Yes.
— If I’m very quiet I can hear him again. It’s quite wonderful.
— All right. Let’s really be quiet this time.
— Let’s.
Len
Mum’s getting things sorted. That’s how she is. She was at McMorton’s all morning with Margie. McMorton’s pulled some strings for her, got in touch with the right people so it can be done straight away. I said I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t care about who comes, any of that. I just want to put her to rest. She made me go to the registry office. I gave them the coroner’s letter and waited. It was like killing you myself. I could hear the clerk in the back typing out the certificate, the small thud of his stamp, then two more. Like nailing down the lid on you.
My Patti.
I don’t want anything to do with anybody anymore, Patti. I’m all at sea.
The lads have been good. They haven’t given up. They’re exhausted too. Some of them look as though they’ve been through the mill. But everything hurts. Even the sight of my mates. I know they go back to their families when they’re finished. Last night I let it go, I’m ashamed to say. It was just me here by myself. I told Mum I didn’t want her to stay. She’d been gone about an hour when it came over me all of a sudden. I was in the middle of looking for my black shoes when it hit. I just let go. Did you see me, Patti? From wherever you are. Did you? Did Frankie see? It was one of his tantrums. I screamed. I yelled, I blasphemed. I hit the walls. It didn’t last long. I pulled myself together soon enough. It was easy. There was nothing left in me. Nothing. Who did this to us? Who made this happen?
Only Mum and me on our own now. It’s like time running backwards.
They take away everything you care about. No one left I can say I love.
Jack would be laughing. Serves me right. I can’t say I ever shed a tear for Jack. Not if I’m honest. Oh, yes, tears at his funeral last year, I give you that. But the tears were for both of us. For him and for me, the two boys without a care in the world. For him, my little brother little — the four-, five-, six-year-old Jack — and for me, the seven-, eight-, nine-year-old me snapped by seafront photographers. Margate. Trailing our spades all along the promenade just for the rasp of tin on pavement. I was crying for the boys in the photographs. Not for the boy who was younger, brighter, funnier, and who got away with blue murder while I took the blame. Not for the boy who came back a hero with a war wound while I was stuck in non-combat up in Lincoln. Not for the boy who could make my own wife laugh till she cried. Yes, I wished him gone many times before. I’ll not pretend. But it shook me when it happened. As if I’d dislodged that ugly bit of shrapnel myself and nudged it on its deadly way so that in the end he became the boy who made you cry so hard, Patti, you were never quite the same again.
Oh God, Patti, I could forgive all that if you only tell me what happened to Frankie. Tell me where he is. It’s not right, you and Frankie leaving me. Frankie gone without a trace, as if he never existed. It’s not possible. Help us Patti. Tell us where he is. I’m finished, I am. If you’re both gone there’s no point. No point in going on. Why would I? I might as well end it as soon as I can. I don’t want to be here. I don’t. I want to be with you, with both of you.
How am I going to go on? Go through one day, go through the next? For a whole life? I pitied Jack his fate. Never imagined mine would be a hundred times worse. If I could die before tomorrow. If I could.
Oh Patti. How we could have loved one another if we’d only seen what was down the road.
Chapter 12
TUESDAY AM
When I woke up I could only open one eye. The other one was stuck down. I thought I had caught being blind so I said
Oh no and Alec heard me and came and licked the stuck one open. That was a relief. I wouldn’t like it if a person licked my eye but doglick is all right. I told you it was good.
It was early. Everything was pink again and only a bit yellow.
Gordon Knight said Well good morning! I thought you’d never wake up.
I said That’s what I thought when you — But he interrupted.
He said We’ll have some breakfast shall we? I’m starving.
He looked all right so I know he was just saying what people say. I said So am I. We weren’t telling lies. We were doing manner of speaking.
Alec was happy we were getting up. He was shivery.
I said Alec is cold.
It was freezing when we got out from under the blankets. I wanted to tell Gordon Knight to hurry up but that would have been a bit rude.
I said I don’t want to be late.
Gordon Knight said I’m going as fast as I can.
I said Thank you to make sure he knew I was polite.
We went along the deck. Gordon Knight said It’s very wet isn’t it? He knows a lot of things without seeing. It was all wet like our blankets. And then we opened the big metal door and went inside. It was lovely.
On the way down the stairs we met a sailor.
He said Good morning sir. Early bird!
Mr Knight said Good morning. Then he said It’s funny how they see me but you’re invisible.
I said Wha —
He said In a manner of speaking.
I said I don’t understand.
He said Neither do I. Never mind. What would you like to eat?
You know what I said. Then I said But first I need to go to the toilet.
He said Lead the way. I’ll wait for you right outside. And then we’ll take Alec to the dog park.
I said To go on the swings hahaha.
I was glad to have something funny to think about. Usually I am embarrassed when I do urinating (that’s the right word by the way. It’s more polite).
When I came out Mr Knight said we’re going to the lift now. Come along.
Here I Am! Page 18
