“Why?” I asked.
Mom shrugged. “I was sixteen. He’d just graduated high school and was on his way to California from Florida on a motorcycle. He stopped here at the carnival to get something to eat.” She shook her head slightly. “Damn carnival.”
I raised my eyebrows. No kidding.
“The point is, my mother was right,” she said. “He was a drifter and always would be. He wouldn’t have stayed anyway.” She sat down on the bed next to me. “That doesn’t mean I wasn’t crushed.”
“So then how could you do it?” I asked. “Look me in the eyes and do the same thing to me?”
“Because I was afraid,” she said, her voice a whisper. “You have a double dose of wanderlust in your blood, sweetheart. I saw you leaving forever in that young man.” She drew in a shaky breath. “I saw me. I’m sorry.”
I rubbed my eyes. “Okay, well, I have a lot to do, so…”
“Carmen, I’m trying to talk to you,” she said.
“And you did!” I cried. “You told me. I heard you. Now I have to start getting ready.”
Maybe I wouldn’t even wait the couple of weeks. What was stopping me? Nothing, really. I could go anytime. I could handle a few straggler clients remotely.
Nothing was holding me here.
“And what about Sully?” she asked, as if reading my mind.
I stared at her.
“Now you’re worried about me leaving Sully?” I said. “The man you talked into leaving me? That’s rich.”
“No, I’m worried about you, you dipshit,” she said, pushing my arm. “For your sanity, when you realize he was here for the taking and you had to go on a road trip.”
“Here for the taking,” I echoed.
“Shit, Carmen, I’m sorry.” Her tears were more angry now than sad. At me or at herself, I wasn’t sure. “I’m sorry. I screwed up. Haven’t you ever screwed up and couldn’t undo it?”
I leaned over and picked up the scarf.
“You could have undone it,” I said. “You could have said something at any point in time during the past fifteen years. Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?”
A bitter laugh escaped her throat. “It’s a little hard to bring up in casual conversation.”
I looked at her. Really looked at her. At the too-red hair, the soft sag her skin was starting to show, the lines that appeared more prominent around her eyes than they did yesterday. I could stay mad. Or I could let it go.
“What was his name?” Her bottom lip drew between her teeth, and I knew the quick steps her brain was doing. “My dad—what was his name?”
“John.”
I tilted my head. “Mom.”
“On my life,” she said, tracing a cross over her heart. “His name was John.”
“Last name?”
“I don’t remember.”
I scoffed. “I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t care,” she said, without skipping a beat.
“You just don’t want to tell me,” I said. “Because you know I’ll look him up.”
My mother patted my leg. “Some things are left better to themselves, Carmen.”
“Then tell me something about him,” I said.
She looked away—as if that might break every rule in the world—and took a deep breath.
“That old blue jean jacket over there that you don’t think I know you took?” she said. “It was his.”
All the air left my body. How many times had I wrapped it around me? Felt safe and cozy in its warmth and size.
“Jesus.”
“And he hated honey, too,” she added.
I got up and walked in a circle, feeling like the crazy had landed right on my house. I stopped and pulled my hair up off my neck, letting my gaze drop to her hand. The hand that had never sported a wedding ring.
“You never married anyone,” I said. “I remember a lot of men, but you’ve never—”
I stopped when I met her eyes and saw the new tears there as she shook her head. She didn’t have to explain that. For once, I understood where she was coming from. She might be flighty, she might not stick with a relationship, but that wasn’t because she never found the right one. It was because she did.
I did something impulsive. Something I rarely did. I hugged her. For a long moment. We rocked back and forth until there were no more moments to milk, and then I pulled back, purposely not looking her in the eye.
“So, are there any other big secrets?” I asked. “Because this seems to be the time.”
She took a deep breath and wiped face.
“Just that I’m buying the trailer park.”
Chapter Twelve
A whole week went by. I didn’t go back out to the site. I didn’t go by his house. I didn’t go to the Blue Banana or Rojo’s or the bank or either grocery store, or anywhere that I could possibly run into Sully. It just didn’t seem like a good idea. It was time to steer clear. Time to make the break and get ready to go. Because I was going. Tomorrow.
And sharing air with Sully… that was not conducive to that goal.
I spent some time with my mom and found out what she was up to. Saving a shit-ton of money was what she’d been up to. Saving enough to buy out Larry and stay there doing the only thing she’d ever done well. Run the trailer park. She was majorly pissed off at old man Bailey for selling to Sully, because that was a twist she didn’t plan on. Leasing from the man she’d secretly begged to leave her daughter, never expecting him to return. Yeah, life has a way of laughing at you sometimes.
Today, I had bigger fish to fry. Lanie called and was bringing lunch to the office so we could have a coffee-table picnic, and I knew there was going to be a conversation. I’d already boxed up most of the personal items in my office. I wasn’t giving up the space completely, but I was subletting it out to a lawyer friend. Just temporarily. No big deal.
Lanie wasn’t going to see it that way. To be honest, I was okay with all of it, except the part that involved telling her. I took a deep breath.
She and I had just found our friendship again. We’d gone in different directions: She’d lived in Louisiana for a while, then returned to Charmed and found love, and then had to find her way back to the small-town life. She was happy again. My “different direction” held me here like a bungee cord—it let me go for college and law school, but then snapped me back. While I was thrilled to have my friend back, I was sick to death of Charmed. Maybe that was too harsh, but I needed to stretch, to see something more than the same four exits off the highway.
I needed out.
My vacation was supposed to help out in that regard. Then Sully arrived. And suddenly an already small town got infinitely smaller. I knew what I had to do; I just wasn’t sure how to tell certain people.
One of them walked in.
“I hope you’re hungry, because I got double cheeseburgers,” Lanie said. She carried two bags in her hands, two bottled waters in the crook of her elbow. Something smelled suspiciously like apple pie. How do you leave someone who brings apple pie for lunch? “Did you hear about Mayor Dean resigning?” she asked breathlessly, kicking off her shoes. “Of course you did.”
“Not from him,” I said. “But my mother has her ever-present ear to the wall of City Hall, so she gave me the scoop. He’s so melodramatic.”
“That he is. So are you all packed for your trip? Oops, shit, grab the waters before I drop—” She stopped and wrinkled her nose. “Are you moving offices?”
“Here.” I grabbed a bag and a water, wanting to have my food safely in my possession before she figured things out. “Grab some floor.” I set the bag on the coffee table as we sat cross-legged.
“So are you?” she repeated, opening her water. “Moving offices?”
“No, I’m just moving my stuff out of the way while I sublet out this office.” I turned on the most nonchalant expression I could summon. “You know, just while I’m gone. My electricity and water will be turned off at home by the end of the week, so
nothing to worry about there. Luckily, I don’t have any pesky plants to complicate things,” I added with a laugh.
With nothing to soak up the sound, the laugh echoed off my empty walls and floor. Lanie dropped her water bottle back on the table, and went quiet. I unwrapped my hamburger with as much noise as I could.
“Where did you say the rental place was?” she asked, her tone going to that funny place where last chance confessions go to die. “Where Nick and I need to pick up your car?”
I shook my head and took a quick bite of my cheeseburger. It might be the only one I’d get.
“I decided to skip the rental,” I said around my mouthful of food, reaching for my water so she couldn’t throw it at me. “Just taking mine, it’ll be eas—”
“You aren’t coming back,” Lanie said under her breath. Scrambling to her feet like ants bit her ass, she put her hands on her hips. “Carmen-fucking-Frost, you’re leaving for good, aren’t you?”
Any time my middle name became “fucking,” it was probably going to be bad. I set down my burger and pushed to my feet, trying to come up with just the right words on the way up.
“No,” I said. “Obviously I have to come back at some point. I mean—”
“Don’t,” she said, shaking her head. “Don’t play games with me. I’m not Sully or Dean or your mother. You asked me the other day if I had any secrets? Put on your big-girl panties and be straight to my face, or I’m taking your lunch and leaving.”
I closed my eyes and cracked my neck. This was Lanie and she deserved better than my chicken ass beating around the bush for her.
“Okay, fine, I’m… maybe staying gone for a while,” I said.
“Forever.”
“Not forever,” I said. “I just… don’t want to box it in with a time stamp.”
Lanie blinked and looked at me funny, then grabbed her purse and hunted for her shoes.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Back to work,” she said flatly. “Keep the food. Nick said enjoy the pie.”
“Lanie!”
“No,” she said, stumbling into one of her shoes and then turning to face me with tears in her eyes. “You weren’t going to tell me.”
“I was.”
“You leave tomorrow.”
“And… that’s what I’m doing now,” I said, knowing full well that things were going a horrible shade of bad.
“You were too big of a coward to tell me,” she said. “To share your plans, your excitement with me. I would have been excited for you, Carmen,” she said, wiping under her eyes. “I might have given you a little shit about it, but I’d have been happy for you. Instead, you made me insignificant. You can bitch to me about Sully, but you were going to do the exact same thing to me, and I’m not some man who comes and goes. I’m your friend.” She opened my door without looking back. “Have a good trip. Drive safe.”
And she was gone.
Tears clogged my throat as her words hit home.
“Shit.”
* * *
I was done. I was packed. Everything was scheduled that needed scheduling, turned off that needed offing, and I was left looking around my house. Alone.
The alone part was my fault. I’d done that with my assholeness, and I needed to fix it before I hit the road tomorrow. I couldn’t go with Lanie on my conscience. To really enjoy this adventure, I needed a clear mind. So I’d go see her tonight, and Sully—I’d run by the trailer on my way out. Just to check that box. Not that I needed to see him, but I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I wouldn’t do what he did to me. Not to anyone.
Tomorrow. He was on tomorrow’s agenda. Because if I went to his house tonight, well, he might have another dessert that would do me in.
I grabbed the plastic grocery bag with today’s untouched burgers and pie and headed out the door. But I didn’t drive to Lanie’s house. Or Sully’s. I went to the pond.
No cars—or black Chevy trucks—were parked at the trailer, thank God. I think. I didn’t want him to be there, but then again I wasn’t sure why I was there if not to see him. I had hit some special flavor of screwed up.
I took it as a sign, though. I was there, it was turning out to be a nice night—dusk was settling without humidity or mosquitoes—and it could be the beginning of my introspective adventure. I headed to the water to say goodbye to my past. I never wondered if there would be any boats. Promise. With all the protesting lately, it was unlikely there would be.
Except that there were.
Damn it.
I stared at the two little rowboats floating down there, looking all innocent and sweet and come float around in me. I was going to go float around in one. At night, like an idiot. Not like I hadn’t done it a million times before, but now it just seemed silly. A grown woman rowing a boat alone at night to say goodbye to water. In a boat that had been dry rotting on that water for over twenty years. If I were still married to Dean, he would have told me to get my ass back in the car. Which was why I wasn’t still married to him.
I did the obligatory checks before I untied and pushed off. No creatures hunkering in. My phone in my pocket. An old flashlight was clipped to the side, and I checked it. The light was dim, but it would be a great weapon to beat the crap out of anything that tried to climb in with me. It was enough to attract attention if I dropped my paddle and couldn’t get back. Although to be honest, I’d probably just jump in and swim. Bailey’s Pond wasn’t exactly the Gulf of Mexico.
Pushing off, I looked around at the darker gray settling on the far banks, into the private little nooks and coves that were hidden from view from the pond’s bank. It looked creepy, but the pond had never scared me at night. Maybe because I’d spent two summers there, mostly the second, mostly in the dark. Mostly naked. It was more romantic than scary.
I knew exactly where I was going.
The place I’d avoided for the last fifteen years. The last time I’d been out there was right after Sully left, when I was craving something that felt like him. I’d lain on the stone dock spread-eagle and cried the cry that only others who had been gutted and left to die would understand.
I might have been a tad overly dramatic back then. Eighteen and a bit hormonal. Regardless, it was all there, rushing back to me like voices whispering in my ears as I moved across the water. It had been a long time, but as I approached our spot, it felt like yesterday.
The pond was quiet, the only sounds coming from my paddle slicing through the dark water and the crickets that were beginning to wake up. Nothing had changed except for the big houses to the right, lighting up the surface like fairy lights. Everyone was inside, eating dinner, done with their day, not paying attention to the crazy woman paddling through their backyard.
I rounded the point that designated our cove and took a deep breath. The cove actually belonged to Sully now. That was weird. I’d bet when we were out here doing the wild thing, he’d never dreamed that someday he’d own that space.
The bottom of the row boat slid onto grass next to the old stone dock, and I turned to look at it. I could still see that girl, sobbing alone on the stones, but I chose to look away. I wasn’t her anymore. I hadn’t been her in a very long time, and not even the great Sully Hart’s return could completely remove the armor I’d built around myself over the years. I threw out the rope and kicked off my shoes to step out on the spongy land. Grabbing the flashlight, I aimed it around. It had been many years, but I was pretty sure “trampled” didn’t describe it before. The traffic that had been in and out of there with the Great 2016 Bee Heist had taken its toll. I tied the boat to a tree, then took a deep breath and headed up the rocks. Anxiety sunk into me the closer I got to the caves.
The closer I got to history.
I climbed the rocks, amazed that people carrying beehives had managed this without pissing off any of the little shits. Huffing around a bend, I aimed my flashlight toward the caves.
To my right, something snapped.
“Carmen?”
>
I yelped, spun, and threw the flashlight. Smack!
“Ow!”
“Sully?” I exclaimed. “What are you doing out here?”
I dug my phone out of my pocket and turned on the flashlight app, which was a million times brighter than that real flashlight had been.
“I could ask you the same question,” he said. “What the hell are you doing rowing out here after dark?”
“I’m… just…” Shit, there was no good way to answer this. “I asked you first.”
I shined my light in his face. He grimaced. “Do you mind?”
“Sorry.” I lowered it to his body, which was clad in a white T-shirt and jeans.
“I was coming to see Bailey, and walked down here first,” he said.
“Bailey?”
“Old man Bailey?” he said. “We’ve had this conversation.”
“Not that he lives here,” I said.
“Yeah, right up this path,” Sully said, turning to point at the dirt path he’d come down. “You have to drive down that crappy road through the woods the long way, but as long as it hasn’t rained recently—”
“Yeah, yada yada yada crappy road,” I said, waving my hand even though he probably couldn’t see. “Bailey lives here?”
Sully paused. “Yeah.”
“Did he live here when we…” I gestured toward the caves.
He laughed and stepped closer, making my heart go a little faster. No. No faster heart. Remember that you’re mad. Remember that you’re leaving.
“When we made love in there?” he asked, his voice going lower. “When we sexed up every inch of that dock over there? When I went down—”
“Yes,” I said, digging my nails into my palms to stave off the imagery. He remembered all that. “All of that, and you’re telling me he was right up that road?”
Sully shrugged. “I didn’t find out exactly where till the next year, but yeah.”
“Oh my God,” I said, covering my face.
“So what? You said you never met him.”
“That doesn’t make it less mortifying,” I said. “Did he hear us?”
He laughed. “I never asked. Do you want me to?”
Lucky Charmed Page 13
