by John Lahr
Announcer: (Very sharp) Good evening, sports fans everywhere … (music in and out) Yes, sports fans, this is Bill Burns. Your old sportscaster bringing you highlights and spotlights from the world of sports on the spot.
This program is … spontaneous and unrehearsed. These sportscasts are telecast to you through the courtesy of our sponsors, the makers of Sawsie Dusties, the cereal that gives you that quick extra energy. And now, friends, for our guest tonight. Sawsie Dusties is proud our guest on tonight’s parade of sports stars and sports fans, here’s a real old timer … a great ballplayer and a great man.
(Lahr belatedly comes out in uniform from stage right. The lights get him. He squints.)
Lahr: (Crosses to the front of table, backside to camera) Now, NOW?
Announcer: … Lefty Hogan, hiya Lefty … Sit right here, Lefty.
Lahr: (Trying to look happy) Hi ya, Buster.
Announcer: Well, Lefty, say hello to our TV audience. (Lefty waves to camera.)
Announcer: Now, Lefty, tell the folks—how long have you been donning those spiked shoes?
Lahr: Huh?
(Announcer repeats.)
Lahr: (Crosses legs, looks at shoes.) Well, I’ve had these shoes about two, three years.
Announcer: How long have you played big league baseball?
Lahr: Huh?
Announcer: How long have you played big league baseball?
Lahr: Well let’s see now … I started in 1920 and this is … ’bout fourteen, fifteen years.
Announcer: If you started in 1920, that would make it more than twice as long as that.
Lahr: Well, I ain’t counting the time the other side was batting.
Announcer: Well, you were a great symbol of American sport all these years …and you’re still a great pitcher.
Lahr: No, I’m a coach—been a coach for ten years.
Announcer: Oh, of course—what with covering sports I never get a chance to see a game. (Chuckles; Lahr imitates him.) Of course you’re a coach …and a coach is very valuable. Eeerr—exactly what does a coach do?
Lahr: (Doing a double-take) Well, I try to learn the young players all my experiences just like they was once teached to me.
Announcer: Where did you first play baseball?
Lahr: At college.
Announcer: You went to college?
Lahr: Sure I went. Do I look like a diseducated guy?… I played college football, basketball, and baseball … I went to college for six years.
Announcer: Why six years?
Lahr: I had a contract … so like I said I played college football, basketball, baseball …
Announcer: And finally, Lefty, you became a professional—you had to. You had to because of that deep love you possessed for this great sport! Because of that you wouldn’t rest until you became part of this beloved game.
Lahr: No, I wanted to make some dough.
Announcer: Magnificent sportsman that you are … and what a great pitcher you were. Tell me, Lefty, after being so great, what made you decide to take off your armor and cease to do active battle on the field of honor with the other knights of baseball?
Lahr: I never played night baseball … only daytime.
Announcer: No, I mean why did you quit pitching?
Lahr: Whyn’t you say so. You talk like a umpire. Well, why I quit pitching was I hurt my hand … busted it … couldn’t pitch no more …
Announcer: Hurt your hand in the service of the great game! Ah, but you went down in action. Tell me, Lefty, how’d it happen, this tragedy of a great athlete?
Lahr: Well, it was back in 1948 … I was pitching against the Red Sox … and in the first inning I got a tough break.
Announcer: What was it?
Lahr: They made nine runs. I never missed a bat. So anyway …
Announcer: But you had hurt your hand.
Lahr: No! No—I didn’t hurt my hand … so anyway, in the second inning I was a little better—they only made six runs. But still the manager turned me out, anyway.
Announcer: But all the time your pitching hand was hurt and sportsman and gentleman that you are you made no mention of it.
Lahr: No, my hand was all right … so then later I got dressed and went home and when I came in the door, my wife said, “Well, they certainly made a bum out of you today.” So, I socked her and busted my hand.
Announcer: Broke it defending your reputation as a pitcher … tell me one more thing, Lefty. What advice would you give to young boys who are eager to become future ballplayers?
Lahr: Well—I’d tell ’em—
Announcer: What would you tell these future diamond greats?
Lahr: Well, I’d—
Announcer: What yesterday has to say to today.
Lahr: Well—
Announcer: What’s your advice to these young, young kids?
Lahr: (Exasperated) They’ll be old men before I get to tell ’em.
(Stops.)Now what was the question?
Announcer: What’s your advice to these young kids?
Lahr: Well, I’d say they should practice a lot … work hard … stay away from girls … live clean lives … don’t take baths—that softens up their hands … eat good healthy meals …
Announcer: Now, that’s what I wanted to hear you say.
Lahr: It is?
Announcer: Yessiree—ladies and gentlemen, those meals are mighty important. Especially breakfast. Now tell me, Lefty, what’s your favorite breakfast?
Lahr: Pizza.
Announcer: And what do you take for that quick, extra energy?
Lahr: A hook ’a rye.
Announcer: What a grand sense of humor … but, seriously, Lefty, now that it’s almost time to go, how about those Sawsie Dusties?
Lahr: How about what? (squinting quizzically)
Announcer: Sawsie Dusties—you remember, you were going to tell the young folks something about them.
Lahr: Oh yeah, now I remember, Buster. Now, kids, listen.
Announcer: That’s right, Lefty, Tell the kids about those great Sawsie Dusties.
Lahr: Well, listen—
Announcer: Tell them about that quick extra energy.
Lahr: When you go to the grocery—
Announcer: Tell them about Sawsie Dusties’ rich, tangy goodness.
Lahr: —buy some—
Announcer: Tell them what’s the most important thing to remember about Sawsie Dusties.
Lahr: (Glaring at the camera disgustedly) Don’t eat ’em—THEY’LL KILL YA!
(Blackout)
Appendix 7
“Hostility”
By Arnold B. Horwitt and Aaron Ruben.
Directed by Aaron Ruben. From The Girls Against the Boys (1959)
This sketch stressed Lahr’s gestures, not his words, his ability to exist in a state of frenzied hilarity without having to deliver jokes about it. Lahr enjoyed the scene because he played against Nancy Walker and because silent family rage was something he knew from his childhood and his own adult temper tantrums. Because the scene relies so completely on movement and reaction within small areas of intensity, it fitted the scope of television and became a popular routine.
Lahr enters. He wears a construction worker’s helmet and outfit. Also heavy work shoes. Carries metal lunch pail. Lahr comes in obviously angry. Slams the door behind him. Nancy ignores him. He opens and slams door again; she still ignores him. He glares at her from door area. She doesn’t look up. Then he glares at lunch pail. He crosses to kitchen table, puts lunch pail on it. He angrily opens it and holds up a large sandwich, which has one bite out of it. He glares at sandwich and at her. Then strides to garbage container and vehemently slams sandwich in. No reaction from Nancy. He clangs the lid of the garbage can several times. Looks again to see if he has gotten a rise out of her. Nancy still intent on nails. Peeved, he takes off blue work shirt. He goes to hook on door on which her blouse hangs. Drops blouse on floor and hangs his shirt and helmet on hook.
Lahr crosses to sink to wash. Cla
ngs lid of garbage pail again. Starts to turn on water, notices dishes in sink. Lifts out moderate pile, throws her a look. Reaches in and removes second, king-sized, pile of dishes. He turns on water, reaches for soap. No soap. Noisily bangs open and shut cabinet drawers looking for soap. Nancy resignedly rises and hobbles over on her heels to a cabinet he’s overlooked, takes enormous box of Vel out. Lahr holds out his hand and she pours soap powder in it, then puts box back in cabinet. Quick turn back to each other.
Lahr washes energetically, making blubbery seal sounds. She grimaces in silent anguish. She sees her blouse on the floor. She crosses to the door, picks up her blouse, takes his shirt off hook and puts her blouse back on it. Lahr has finished washing and is blindly looking for a towel. She crosses to him and thrusts his shirt at him. Thinking it’s a towel, he dries his face on it. He looks at it, realizes what she’s done, is furious, and throws it on the floor. She ignores all this.
He now goes to cabinet, takes out bottle of rye and large brandy snifter. Fills it to top and drinks noisily. During this Nancy tenses herself to survive the nightly ritual. After downing booze, he exhales voluptuously in her direction. She fans herself as fumes envelope her. He puts the bottle back in cabinet.
Lahr now goes to table. Nancy intent on her toes. Lahr turns in his chair and makes noisy chomping sounds. She continues pedicure. Finally, he takes knife and hammers noisily on plate. She ignores this as she carefully fans toes with newspaper. Lahr abandons hammering, comes over, watches with rising but suppressed fury. Finally attempts to stomp on her foot, which she quickly withdraws. She slips into her mules and rises as they glower at each other. Still glowering, they do a turn around each other. Then she trudges over to stove to start dinner. He registers satisfaction at his victory, sits on sofa, and starts to read newspaper.
Nancy begins preparing dinner with vehement movements that reflect her fury. She sets timer, lights oven, and lights burner under tea kettle. Lahr starts to laugh at something in newspaper. She looks at him; he sees her and stops. She looks at Lahr, then at garbage can. Goes to garbage can and gets sandwich out. She crosses to table, gets knife, and cuts off piece of sandwich with bite out of it, wraps rest of sandwich in wax paper and puts it back in lunch pail. Takes lunch pail up to icebox, looking at Lahr all the while, and puts it in icebox. She takes a vegetable from icebox, goes to sink and turns on faucet to rinse it. Tap is turned so it makes annoying coughing sound. She crosses back to icebox and opens it, looks for something, oblivious to faucet racket, which is beginning to annoy Lahr. He looks up from paper wondering when the hell she is going to turn it off. Seeing she has no intention of stopping it, he leaps up, tears over to the sink, and with an angry gesture, turns it off. He starts back to sofa, but a look comes over his face as he realizes Nancy is bending over. He goes to kick her just as she straightens up. They glare at each other. She realizes his hand is resting on icebox, so she deliberately shuts door on it. He gives her a withering look as he returns to sofa and newspaper. Nancy has gone to table. She gets a serving spoon from drawer and goes up to stove. No sooner does Lahr get comfortable again when the whistling kettle starts. He starts reacting to this and again Nancy goes about her duties ignoring the whistle.
He rises in fury, rushes to stove, and turns off burner under kettle. As he turns away to go back to sofa, she turns burner back on so that kettle gives one final whistle.
Nancy goes to stove and opens oven door. Cloud of black smoke pours forth. She takes out casserole and puts it on table. Goes to sink and gets sugar and cream. Lahr sniffs, stalks over to table to inspect this mess. She stirs it. Just as he’s about to sit down she slops some food on his plate. Then delicately spoons some on her own plate. As Lahr sits at the table, still sniffing in disbelief, she takes the casserole back to the stove, and gets two bottles of beer from the icebox. She brings them to the table.
Lahr holds his nose and tries to eat, then covers his eyes and tries to eat, then gives up and starts to take a bite as Nancy comes to his side and pulls out enormous drawer to get bottle opener. She closes drawer, leaving him two feet from table. She opens the beer. He pushes his chair back to table.
Lahr takes a forkful of food, reacts in dismay and disbelief, and takes a huge gulp of beer to wash it down. He shakes lots of salt into it, then lots of pepper, then lots of both together. Tastes again, then matter-of-factly picks up plate, opens door to hall, whistles for dog. He holds plate down, pantomimes urging dog to eat, is rejected, and trudges back to table resignedly, where Nancy is eating away.
Lahr sits down and reaches for bread basket, discovers it is empty. Turns it upside down (for her benefit). Raps it on table. She suddenly gets up. Fetches long, large loaf of rye bread. Takes it to table just as he is about to eat again, pulls open drawer, forcing him back. She gets bread knife out of drawer, puts knife and bread on table, goes back to her chair and resumes eating, while Lahr is all this time struggling to close drawer. Finally, in a rage, he slams drawer in so hard it goes out the other end and pokes Nancy in stomach.
Lahr returns to table, and Nancy goes to stove and gets coffee pot, gets cups. Lahr pushes his plate aside, leans back and starts tooth-sucking noise. On first hearing, Nancy freezes. She brings coffee pot to table as he orchestrates tooth-sucking. She is standing behind him, visibly restraining herself from pouring it on him. She places his coffee cup in front of him. He does one last tooth-sucking at her. She pours him coffee, then herself, leaves coffee pot on table and sits down. Lahr puts sugar in his coffee. Then he pours cream, stirs. Then rises, goes to sink, and pours out coffee. As Nancy sips her coffee, Lahr crosses to sofa, doing several last tooth-suckings at her behind her back. He sits, starts taking off shoes, accompanied by loud groans. He drops the first shoe with loud thud. Then he takes off second shoe and quietly places it on floor. Nancy has been waiting for the second shoe noise, looks over, sees shoe on floor, does “take” with coffee cup. Lahr yawns prodigiously, scratches self, groans, coughs, stretches out on sofa and snores. Nancy has finished her coffee and commences clearing the table. She slams down chair near him, piles dishes together, and rattles them loudly as she takes them to sink. She pushes table aside, bumps it up and down a few times, pushes other chair aside, rattles table again, and starts for bed. She stops, comes back and bangs table a few more times. She goes to the alcove in the back wall and lets down Murphy bed with a loud thump. This jars Lahr sufficiently awake to noisily stumble across to bed in half sleep. He lets trousers drop and steps out of them as he crosses. He flops in bed and is fast asleep.
Nancy has taken off housecoat and is now in a slip. She turns out the lights and gets in bed beside him. They both lie still, the only sound that of Lahr snoring. Finally, after a pause she speaks:
Nancy: Eddie. Eddie.
Lahr: (Grunts.)
Nancy: You forgot something.
(Lahr kisses her.)
(Blackout)
Image Gallery
In The Best Show in Town (1917)
At age six
Jacon Lahriem
Augusta Lahriem
The Nine Crazy Kids (c. 1913). Lahr second from left
In Garden Belles (1917)
Stranded in New Castle, Pennsylvania. Lahr top left (c. 1914)
Seated in center. From The Best Show in Town (1917)
In The Best Show in Town
In Roseland Girls (1920)
At Lake Hopatcong (c. 1922)
Vaudeville Christmas card (1923)
With Mercedes in “What’s the Idea” (1924)
With Frank Fay (left) and Harry Delmar (center) in Harry Delmar’s Revels (1927)
With Mercedes backstage (1927)
In Life Begins at 8:40 (1935)
With Victor Moore and another cast member in Hold Everything (1928)
Boxing in Hold Everything
(photo © Bert Roberts)
The Spin Test in Flying High (1930)
(Photo © New York Public Library)
As an English peer in Geo
rge White’s Scandals (1936)
(photo © Van Damm Studio)
In Flying High.
(photo © New York Public Library)
With Lupe Velez in Hot-Cha! (1932)
In dressing room (1935)
With Mildred (1933)
A radio sketch with Ed Wynn (c. 1933)
A portrait of Mildred (1929)
Singing “Song of the Woodsman” (1937)
(photo © Arsene Studio)
With Bea Lillie in The Show Is On (1937)
With Claudette Colbert in Zaza (1938)
(photo © Paramount Studios)
With Ethel Merman in Du Barry Was a Lady (1939)
(photo © Graphic House)
Portrait as King Louis XV
(photo © Phyfe)
With Mildred on wedding day, February 11, 1940
As the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz (1939)
(photo © M-G-M)
With Jack Haley as the Tin Woodsman (left) and Ray Bolger as the Scarecrow (right)
(photo © M-G-M)
On the Hollywood Victory Caravan (1942)
(photo © Gene Lester)
With Oliver Hardy, Bing Crosby, and Jimmy Cagney backstage on the Caravan junket
(photo © Gene Lester)
With Bea Lillie at Seven Lively Arts rehearsal (1944)
(photo © Graphic House)
Changing a scene at Seven Lively Arts rehearsal
(photo © Graphic House)
With Bea Lillie in Seven Lively Arts
(photo © Graphic House)
With Jean Parker in Burlesque (1946)
(photo by Irving Penn © 1947 Condé Nast Publications)
