But it was no good. They were outnumbered and outmatched and now they were as good as captured!
‘OOH, VISITORS!’ came a voice, and the Terribles shrieked in delight. ‘BRING THEM TO ME!’
Hamish and Alice were thrown to the ground once more.
As they lay there, Axel Scarmarsh himself stood at the doors to his Post Office Tower, cracked his knuckles one by one and smiled a deeply sickening smile.
Things Get Worse
‘You truly are pathetic creatures,’ said Axel Scarmarsh, walking down the steps to where Hamish and Alice lay on the ground, surrounded by slavering Terribles.
The ground was slick with beastly spittle as it poured from monstrous mouths and noses.
‘But catching you is a bonus,’ he said, running a hand through his hair and smiling. ‘So tell me, where’s the rest of your strange little crew?’
‘Stopping your mad babies from doing any more damage!’ said Alice, always defiant in the face of danger.
‘Oh, those babies are just the start of things,’ said Scarmarsh, checking the cuffs of his beautifully tailored suit. ‘Please forgive my intrusion, young Ellerby. But, when the cat’s away, the mouse will play . . . How is your father, Hamish?’
‘He’s on his way back!’ said Hamish, with as much grit as he could muster. ‘Him and loads of other Belasko agents!’
Scarmarsh laughed, arching his long back.
‘What a shame he’ll be too late. I wonder why he decided to travel so far away? It’s almost as if he got some bad information . . . You do have to be careful what you read these days. You really can’t trust it all.’
Hamish stood up. It made him feel braver, even though all it did was highlight just how tall Scarmarsh was compared to him.
‘Frinkley knows we’re not as bad as you put in your paper,’ he said. ‘Now they’ve seen us with their own eyes!’
‘Ah, yes,’ said Scarmarsh, as quite out of the blue a Terrible flicked Hamish’s ear. ‘How satisfying to use your own things against you. Your suspicion of outsiders. Local papers, people, even babies.’
Up close, as Scarmarsh ran his hand through his hair again, Hamish could make out below his hairline out a small, faded scar, shaped like an X, that he’d never noticed before.
‘By weaponising babies,’ Scarmarsh continued, ‘I could create a fake crime wave to make you turn on each other.’
‘The baby burglars!’ said Alice. ‘In and out through a cat flap!’
‘And much more importantly,’ said Scarmarsh, ‘I could strike right at the heart of what you all hold most dear.’
‘And what’s that, Scarmarsh?’ demanded Hamish.
‘Why, family, of course,’ he said, with a twisted grin. ‘Isn’t that all any of us really wants?’
Hamish had started to shake a little. Partly out of fear and partly out of anger. He felt Alice reach for his hand.
‘By controlling the world’s young,’ said Scarmarsh, oblivious to anything but the sound of his own voice, ‘I control the weakening grown-ups. Through their babies, I can decide how much they sleep and how clearly they think. They will be my slaves, as I raise their babies in the ways of Scarmarsh. And, as tradition dictates, I will begin in Starkley.’
‘Tradition!’ said Hamish, angrily. ‘I don’t believe it’s just tradition.’
‘Oh?’ said Scarmarsh, smiling creepily.
‘It’s more than that. There’s something else. You’ve got it in for my dad.’
‘I am in the middle of trying to tell you about my evil plan,’ said Scarmarsh, flapping his cape, a bit vexed. ‘Aren’t you interested? It’s rude to interrupt people.’
‘Hamish is right,’ said Alice, as another Terrible flicked Hamish’s ear. ‘Something about this doesn’t add up. We know the Superiors have handed Earth to you, so why not start somewhere easier? Somewhere not linked to Belasko? There’s something you’re not telling us!’
For just a flicker of a moment, Hamish thought he saw a flash of doubt in Scarmarsh’s eyes. But was it doubt? Or was it sadness? Either way, it was gone as quickly as it arrived.
‘I do what I want,’ spat Scarmarsh.
This was weird. He seemed rattled. Almost hurt.
‘ARE THE VANS LOADED?’ he screamed, and the Terribles all flinched at their master’s voice. One of them nearly choked on the remains of Hamish’s nut and pickle baguette in shock. ‘Then start driving. Every hospital in a three-hundred-mile radius will soon receive their free batch of Formula One. Every pharmacy, every coffee shop, every baby store!’
Hamish watched as a Terrible carried a large sign and packed it into a van. It read:
Scarmarsh Industries is proud to deliver a FREE nourishing sample of Formula One to help the country’s babies grow and grow and GROW!
This was horrifying. If they didn’t do something quickly, Scarmarsh would start a nationwide BABY BOOM, raising his barmy of warrior babies!
‘Wait!’ said Hamish, trying to come up with anything he could to stall him. ‘What makes you think you can control all the babies?’
He had a point. One baby, yes. A handful, maybe. But thousands and thousands of them? Hamish thought if he could sow a seed of doubt in Scarmarsh’s mind he could prevent this somehow.
‘Babies are difficult!’ added Hamish, trying to remember exactly what he’d said in his school report. ‘They defy authority! They’re like impossible dogs! They’re absolute nitwits!’
Scarmarsh looked unimpressed. ‘I believe that children are the future, Hamish. My future.’
‘But think of the nappies, Scarmarsh! If all the babies grow as ginormous as big old Boffo, think about how massive their nappies will get! You’ll have to have special waste grounds! It’ll be pull-ups right up to the sky! It’ll be a nightmare for you!’
Scarmarsh just smiled.
‘Not my problem,’ he said. ‘As far as I’m concerned, this rotten place is just a planet full of filled nappies anyway.’
The first of the vans turned its engine on. Another followed straight after.
‘So why do you want it?’ pleaded Alice. ‘If this place is so unattractive, just let it be and go somewhere else!’
‘Pah!’ scoffed Scarmarsh.
‘Wait!’ said Hamish, as more Terribles started their vans. ‘There has to be something we can do. Something has hurt you, Axel. That’s why you’re doing this.’
Scarmarsh frowned. He wasn’t used to people calling him by his first name.
‘Shut up,’ he said, and his reaction told Hamish he was onto something. He knew he’d seen a look of sadness in his eyes a few moments before. A memory.
‘Something has hurt you, and you want to get even,’ Hamish said. ‘That’s what all this is about. You’re not just randomly picking on our planet or our town or us: you want revenge.’
There it was again. Just for a second, a flicker of something in Scarmarsh’s eyes as he ran another hand through his hair, revealing that small X again. Alice saw it this time. Hamish was getting through to Scarmarsh. She nodded her friend on, urging him to continue.
‘If you didn’t have something else you wanted – something bigger – why would you settle for Part B of the universe?’ Hamish said, his brain working overtime, trying to understand what was behind Scarmarsh’s targeting of Earth. ‘You chose the “Bobbins” part for a reason! You wouldn’t settle otherwise; you’re Axel Scarmarsh!’
Scarmarsh cracked his knuckles and looked pensive. It was like he was about to tell Hamish something, admit something to him.
But . . .
‘START YOUR ENGINES!’ he roared. The rest of the vans and lorries fired up and thick, putrid diesel fumes filled the air, puffing around the kids in a horrible black fog. ‘And THROW THESE NOSY CHILDREN IN THE VAULT!’
Two huge Terribles grabbed Hamish and Alice by the arms.
‘Yuklings,’ one of the monsters seemed to say, savouring the word and licking its lips.
‘Hamish, what do we do?’ said Alice, trying and f
ailing to get free. ‘What do we DO? We can’t let that formula leave!’
But there was still hope.
Because if you listened closely – very, very closely – over the racket of the engines and the shouts of the beasts, you could just make out the dim, faint roar of a seventy-mile-an-hour ice-cream van.
Pitter-patter,
Skitter-scatter!
The PDF had heard the SOS!
‘Hamiiiiiiiish!’ yelled Venk, fromtheopen sunroof of the ice-cream van. ‘Get iiiiiin!’
The van burst through the bracken and bushes of the woods and skidded to a halt as Terribles scattered out of the way.
‘No!’ shouted Hamish at his friend. ‘We can’t leave yet! The lorries with the Formula One need to be stopped.’
‘Get your PPPs out!’ yelled Alice, scrabbling to find her Tabasco spray on the ground and snapping back into her attack pose. ‘We need to fight the Terribles! Scarmarsh is in his tower and is sending them all over the country to—’
‘Guys, we need to go,’ interrupted Venk. ‘Right now!’
Hamish was taken back by Venk’s insistence. He wouldn’t normally interrupt. He was too cool to do that. But at this precise moment he seemed a lot less cool. For a start, his giant Toppy Sparkles head wobbled every time he talked.
‘Look out!’ shouted Elliot from inside the van.
Alice started squirting spicy sauce at an approaching Terrible. It squealed and pawed at its eyes. Others were gaining confidence again and creeping back towards the kids.
‘You heard Hamish,’ said Alice. ‘We’re not leaving until we’ve stopped these vans full of Formula One! All of them!’
Buster leaned out of the window. ‘Venk’s right,’ he said. ‘We’re about to have company!’
Hamish frowned. And then he heard it.
Like a low, rolling thunder.
The pitter-patter of not-so-tiny feet.
‘Babies!’ said Hamish, eyes widening.
The thunder was getting louder – fast!
‘Even Pickernose couldn’t control them all!’ shouted Clover from the van. ‘Boffo’s love for Venk was too great. When we heard your SOS, we got straight in the van. I thought we’d outrun them, but then I looked in the mirror and they were after us! Boffo wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Venk!’
‘It turns out he’s extremely jealous,’ said Venk, rubbing his arm. ‘And he’s a very powerful cuddler. Let’s go!’
Hamish couldn’t work out what the bigger threat was.
Was it the Terribles?
Or the babies?
Was it Scarmarsh?
Or the Formula One?
It was all too much. There were too many problems. He didn’t know what to do. If only he could think more like Scarmarsh. If only some problems did cancel each other out . . .
Wait.
‘I’ve got an idea!’ yelled Hamish. ‘Get out of the van!’
Venk looked terrified.
‘But then I’ll be captured by both the babies and the Terribles!’ he said. ‘I’ll be grabbed and cuddled!’
‘Do it!’ said Alice, realising what Hamish was planning. ‘All of you – out!’
The doors of the ice-cream van creaked open and the kids joined Hamish and Alice.
‘I hope you know what you’re doing, H!’ said Buster.
Around them, scaly Terribles crept closer and rose up higher and scarier than ever.
‘Brace yourselves!’ said Hamish, as in one quick movement dozens of Terribles pounced on them, covering them in great globules of slime and spit and hoisting them up into the air again.
‘This seems a rubbish plan so far, Hamish!’ said Venk, his big, plastic googly eyes rolling around above his real ones. The Terribles began to carry the PDF towards Scarmarsh’s tower, where Hamish was sure the vault Scarmarsh had mentioned was, and where their enemy planned to keep them for all time.
‘Listen!’ said Alice, as the thunder from the woods became almost deafening.
A second later . . .
‘ROOOOOAR!’
Boffo Quip burst through the undergrowth, his chest heaving.
Behind him, swinging from branches like monkeys and leaping over bushes – a fearsome barmy appeared at his side!
Some babies carried sticks like spears.
Others wielded rattles.
Some were covered in mud, while many had used the face-painting stall to create wild and imaginative warpaint.
It reminded Hamish of what they’d seen in the Holonow – this was just like the Viking horde!
The Terribles stopped in their tracks and turned, stunned to see this fearsome bunch. The PDF bobbled in the air as the monsters stood still, wondering why the babies had turned up.
‘TOH-PEEEE!’ grunted Boffo, pointing his giant, chubby fist at Venk.
‘Oh, no,’ said Venk, even though he should have been impressed that a newborn had such a grasp on words.
But the Terribles were not going to give up their prize so easily. Scarmarsh wanted these kids in the vault and that’s just where they were going.
‘TOH-PEEEEE!’ yelled Boffo again, as more warrior babies showed up to support their leader, slapping their chests and hopping from foot to foot.
A group of Terribles broke away and walked towards Boffo, hoping to scare him off. But Boffo wasn’t afraid of a few weird monsters. He was big, bad Boffo Quip and someone had stolen his favourite toy.
‘Boffo, my boy!’ came a voice from a loudspeaker. ‘It’s me . . .’
Scarmarsh was not coming out of his tower, but he thought he could calm Boffo. After all, he’d soothed his moods in the past using the Toppy Sparkles, and done so wonderfully. You see, there are some sound frequencies only children can hear. And there are others that only babies can hear. Scarmarsh had been using Toppy Sparkles to control Boffo’s moods through sounds only he could pick up. Perhaps he might play something soothing to calm him. Or perhaps he’d play the sound of a thousand furious rats squeaking and squealing to get him riled up. But that particular Toppy Sparkles was broken now. Scarmarsh would have to try and calm Boffo another way.
‘Easy, boy,’ said Scarmarsh. ‘That’s not your toy. That’s a stinky child in a pretend suit. I can get you another Toppy Sparkles. I can get you two, or three, or four! The best you’ve ever seen!’
But Boffo didn’t want another Toppy Sparkles. He wanted this big one. The one he’d fallen in love with. And no grownup or group of Terribles was going to take it from him.
More Terribles tried to block Boffo’s path as suddenly the PDF were carried up the steps to the tower – and possibly to their doom.
The tears in Boffo’s eyes started to well.
His face began to go bright red.
His lips began to quiver.
‘Come on,’ whispered Hamish. ‘Get angry!’
But Boffo just looked sad. Around him, the other babies started welling up too. One of them sat down and started crying.
So did another.
Soon, they were all in tears.
This was a nightmare! Hamish didn’t want the babies sad. He needed them mad! He had to have Boffo’s enormous influence.
‘Venk,’ said Hamish. ‘Tell Boffo you love him!’
‘Absolutely not,’ said Venk.
‘Tell him you love him!’ said Hamish. ‘Please, Venk!’
‘It’s undignified,’ said Venk.
‘You’re literally dressed as a teddy bear while monsters carry you around in front of sad babies,’ said Alice. ‘It’s hard to get less dignified. Now do as Hamish says! We NEED you, Venk!’
Venk nodded. He could do this. He’d already dressed up as Toppy Sparkles today. He’d already felt a proper part of the team. But this was his real chance to save the day. His moment to shine.
‘I love you, Boffo,’ he said, quietly.
‘Louder!’ said Hamish.
‘ILOVEYOU,BOFFO!’heshouted,nowfarmoredetermined.‘ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOUILOVEYOOOOUUU!’
Immediately, Boffo’s eye
s lit up.
He looked at Venk with incredible tenderness.
And then that love began to change into something else, as the PDF reached the top of the stairs.
It turned to rage. PURE BABY RAGE.
Who were these monsters to steal the one thing Boffo cared about?
‘You did it, Venk!’ said Hamish, watching Boffo change. ‘I think there’s going to be a . . .
BABY! BOOOOOOOOOOOM!’
But now the babies were on the side of the PDF and the sheer speed of the infants took the Terribles by surprise.
Within just a second or two, they were everywhere!
Angry, punchy babies.
Viking babies kicking at scabby shins.
Ninja babies pulling at slithery scales.
Wrestler babies launching themselves from the top of the van.
Boffo stood and screamed in anger, like a more frightening Godzilla, sending his troops into battle, then running at the Terribles himself and knocking them over like bowling pins.
The PDF fell heavily to the ground as the Terribles began to scarper, abandoning their posts and their vans and their leader.
‘Boffo, NO!’ shouted Scarmarsh from the tower. ‘Choose power! Not love! CHOOSE POWER!’
But Boffo didn’t care about instructions, and he didn’t care about power. Boffo had no master. He was in the middle of the most beautiful baby tantrum the world had ever seen and, as he knocked Terrible after Terrible out of the way, he stomped ever closer to proud Venk.
‘H-h-hello, B-Boffo!’ said Venk, slightly nervously, hoping the inevitable cuddles weren’t quite as bruising as before.
‘TOH-PEE!’ breathed Boffo, scooping Venk up and squeezing him until his eyes were approximately three times bigger than they should have been. ‘LOOOOVE.’
And, in that second, that sheer feeling of warmth and full-heartedness spread like a flash of lightning to every other baby in the woods, like a BABY BOOM OF LOVE.
The woods seemed almost to glow pink, as babies began kissing and hugging the Terribles, which frightened and disgusted those monsters all the more.
Hamish and the Baby BOOM! Page 14
