by Bella Jewel
“I’ll call you back, yeah?” He hangs up the phone. “You’re up.”
“How long was I asleep?”
“Four hours, give or take.”
“And you stayed the whole time?” I ask, smothering a yawn.
“Wasn’t goin’ to let you wake alone.”
My heart thrums in my chest, and I do everything I can to ignore how that little statement just made me feel.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “For . . . getting me through that.”
He nods, his eyes holding mine. “You want coffee?”
“Sure.”
He obviously figured out where I keep my coffee because he goes about fixing me one. I sit on the stool at the counter and watch him work.
I like Lucas Black, more than I’ve liked anyone outside of the club. He’s mysterious and dangerous, a little broody and very deep. He’s given me comfort even though it’s clear he struggles to know how.
“Do you have to work or anything?” I ask.
He shrugs. “I’m on call regularly. It’s part of the job.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“Not your fault,” he says, placing the coffee mug down in front of me. “I have learned to work my life around it.”
“Have you been a detective long?”
“Six years.”
I nod approvingly.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
“My body is really sore,” I say, twisting and groaning.
“That’s normal after a sudden emotional release. It’ll ease. Hot shower will help.”
“I’m sorry you had to see that. I—”
“Don’t be sorry,” he says, cutting me off. “I wanted that from you. Not to mention how badly you needed to let it out.”
“So it’ll get easier now, right?” I ask hopefully.
“Not sure it works like that, but it’s a step in the right direction.”
I frown down at my coffee mug.
“You can call me, if you need . . .”
I look up at him, smiling slightly. “Does that mean we’re friends, Detective Black?”
His face lightens, just a touch, but he doesn’t smile. “Yeah.”
“Do you have many friends?”
“That came into my life the way you did? No.”
“Sometimes life has a funny way of introducing people that it wants in our lives. Why do you suppose I was put into yours?”
Something flashes across Lucas’s face so quickly I nearly miss it. I can’t put my finger on the emotion, but it makes something deep in my gut twist.
“Maybe you just needed someone like me to pull you out of that hole you were digging.”
“Maybe,” I mumble.
His phone rings again and he glances down, sighing. “Gotta take this, kid.”
I nod, and he leaves the room. When he’s gone, I sip my coffee. He made it good, just how I like it. I wonder how he knew that? I ponder the look that crossed his face and take my mind back to the conversation he had with my father about a girl, a girl I’m still sure wasn’t me. I wonder what happened in his life, what put that pain in his eyes, the resistance in his heart. Lucas is drawn to me, but for what reason I do not know.
I’m just glad to have him.
“I have to go into work,” he says, entering the kitchen again. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Do I get a choice?” I say, and it’s meant to be a joke, only he doesn’t laugh.
“Ava . . .”
“Sorry,” I whisper. “I’ll be fine. No sudden urges to drink myself stupid.”
He flinches. “Call me if you need, hear?”
“Sure, Lucas.”
He walks over, big strides, and stops in front of me. Without hesitation, he curls his hand around the back of my neck in a way I love so much and presses his lips to my head, lingering there for a long moment. “Keep fighting. You’re nearly out,” he says against my skin and steps back.
“Lucas?” I call, as he heads towards the door.
He looks back to me.
“What exactly are we doing here with each other?”
His eyes hold mine. “Learning how to swim, kid.”
Indeed.
CHAPTER 18
NOW – AVA
A knock sounds out at my door a few days later, and I rush forward to answer it. It’s my day off, and I’m planning on doing a whole lot to keep myself busy. The urge to drink is so strong that I’m having to distract myself in any way possible to stop it. Lucas had to go away for a few days, and even though he calls, without him I feel weak and helpless.
I open the door to reveal Danny, Skye, Max and Mercy, all of them grinning, beers in hand, pizza hot and fresh.
“Yo!” Danny calls, kicking the door open with his boot. “We’re comin’ to chill with you. Hope you don’t mind.”
I scowl at him. “Too bad I had plans.”
“Now you don’t.” He grins, pressing a kiss to my head.
“Come in then. Not like I can stop you.”
He passes me, making himself at home.
Max enters next, a big grin on his face. I can’t help it—a smile breaks free and I hug him. “How’re you doin’, Ava?”
“Kicking on, Max. You?”
“Same same.”
He walks into the kitchen, calling, “Danny, you fucker, don’t take up all the fridge space.”
“Hey chicky!” Skye says, stepping in and hugging me. “How you doing?”
“So good to see you.” I smile, hugging her tight.
“You weren’t getting out of this one. Danny insisted.”
I roll my eyes and reach for Mercy, giving her a hug. “How are you, honey?”
She grins. “Awesome.”
“Merc,” Skye says, “tell her what you did?”
My brows go up.
“It was nothing,” Mercy scoffs.
“It wasn’t nothing. Spike flipped his lid.” Skye laughs, thrusting the pizza box into my hand.
“Do share,” I say to Mercy, as I close the door and follow her into the kitchen.
“I may or may not have gone on my very first date and kissed the man right outside the compound without telling him, and he caught me,” she says this all in a rush without breathing.
I burst out laughing. “No way!”
“Way,” Danny grunts. “Dad lost his shit.”
“I’m old enough to date; it isn’t like I did anything wrong!” she cries.
“Kissing the dude right out front of a biker compound? Not your finest moment, sis.”
She flips him the bird and I laugh, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “The real question is, was it a good kiss?”
She gags. “No, it was awful.”
I giggle, and Skye joins in.
“Like slug-in-your-mouth kind of awful?”
“Worse.” She frowns. “It was like he was trying to dig for my breakfast.”
“Grosse!” Skye and I cry.
“Fuck me,” Danny grunts. Max just laughs.
“So your first kiss was an awful experience, then your dad busted you and made it worse.” I chuckle.
“Dad came storming out, lifted the guy by the scruff of his neck and hauled, I mean hauled, him onto the road.”
I laugh harder. We all do.
“Then he threw me over his shoulder, ranting the entire way into the compound about how he’s going to tie me up and never let me out of his sight again. Then your dad gave me a lecture about bringing strangers to the compound.”
I grin. “I remember the same lecture.”
“Bikers,” she huffs. “The rate I’m going, I’ll never get laid.”
“Oh, fuck no!” Danny yells. “Fuck, Mercy.”
“Sorry bro.” She grins.
Ah, it’s good to have them back in my life.
Maybe Lucas is right; maybe I am climbing out of that dark space.
~*~*~*~
“Aw, come on, have a beer. Just one,” Danny says, thrusting a beer at
me.
“Nah,” I say, my eyes flicking to the cold bottle. “I’m fine.”
“Since when did you turn down a beer? Stop being a sad sack.”
He pops the top and hands it to me, thrusting it into my hands. My fingers shake around the bottle. Surely I can have one and it will be fine? I’m dealing with things better now; I can’t spend the rest of my life away from it, right?
I force a smile and take a sip. The first of the cool liquid runs down my throat, and my smile turns real.
“There we go. Now let’s play poker!”
We all sit on the ground and start playing poker. As the game goes on, the alcohol flows more freely. Everyone except Mercy is drunk, and we’re all laughing and having fun. Even during that, I feel tense – my neck and shoulders constantly ache. The last few days have been agony and having a drink is like coming to life, but the more I drink, the more guilt begins to play in my heart.
At first it was fun, a relief. Then I thought of Lucas and all he’s done, and the guilt becomes difficult to handle. I smile and force myself through the game, but as soon as everyone is gone, I stare at the empty bottles in my house and start to shake. What have I done? I promised him I wouldn’t do this, that I’d fight, and I just gave in. Tears trickle down my cheeks as I lift a bottle and throw it across the room.
It’s never going to end.
Is it?
CHAPTER 19
THEN – LUCAS
Two days.
She’s been gone two days. I’ve looked in all the usual places she frequents, and she hasn’t been seen or heard from. I kept her clean for one month. One full month. I watched where she went, did everything for her, nursed her back to health, and did everything I could to help her. Clearly I did it all wrong, because she’s missing. Twenty-four hours is what it takes before anyone will take it seriously, but I’m a cop; I called it after twelve.
I can’t find her, and I’m beside myself with worry.
Since losing Shylie, I’ve been a broken, fucked up mess. I’ve done everything I can to get my life back on track—taking on my wife was something extra I didn’t need. But I did it because I love her, and because this was her way of coping, but I don’t have the strength to hold her up anymore. I don’t have the strength to be her rock when I’m barely keeping afloat myself.
But I can’t lose someone else. I can’t. I won’t.
I pull out my phone and dial her best friend, Kat. She answers on the second ring. I’ve tried her seven times, and she hasn’t answered; hearing her voice is a relief.
“Lucas, I don’t know what you want, but I haven’t done anything,” Kat says, as soon as she answers the phone.
“You seen Jennifer?”
She goes silent. “Why?”
“It’s a simple question, Kat. Have you or have you not seen her? She’s been missing for two days. I don’t . . . I don’t know where the fuck she is. So if you’ve seen her, you need to tell me.”
“She’s missing?” she whispers.
“Yeah, Kat, she’s missing. You know what we’ve been through in the last two months—hell, the last fucking year. I have done all I can to keep her away from drugs, but I have a sick feeling that’s what she went looking for. If you know anything, you’ll tell me.”
She’s silent for a few minutes.
“Lucas, I’m sorry, I don’t want to do this . . . I don’t want to hurt you more . . .”
“Kat,” I warn. “What do you know?”
“She’s been seeing someone else!”
My entire world comes crashing down around me. The remaining tethers of my heart rip to shreds and crumple, weak and pathetic, broken and emotionless. The woman I loved, who was the only good mother my daughter had, my best friend, my wife, has been seeing another man. Another man, when I needed her.
A pained bellow leaves my throat.
I lost my first wife. I lost my daughter. It shouldn’t have been me fighting for her; it should have been her fighting for me, and she didn’t. She turned to drugs, she pushed me to get through it, and then she found another man. Another. Fucking. Man.
“Who?” I say, my voice like ice.
“Lucas . . .”
“Who?” I roar.
“He . . . he . . . he’s part of a motorcycle club.”
I flinch. A biker. She is fucking a biker while I’m busting my ass to try and help her, even through my pain.
“You need to understand—”
“I don’t need to understand a fucking thing!” I bark.
“She was broken; you were broken. She needed something . . . someone to love her.”
“I lost my daughter,” I roar, slamming my fist into the wall beside me, shattering it until a large hole forms. Blood trickles down my knuckle.
“I know,” she whispers. “And I’m so sorry, but she . . .”
“There is no excuse for this—none. Tell me what club.”
“Luke . . .”
“Don’t you fuckin’ call me that. Tell me what fucking club!”
“Hell’s Knights,” she whispers quickly. “I don’t know who; she never told me a name. She just said . . . she said they . . .”
It clicks, like a sledgehammer to my brain. “It wasn’t about the man, or the company—it was about the fucking drugs. She’s doing what she can to get the drugs.”
“She’s clean. She was really trying.”
“Bullshit,” I bark.
“Just calm down, Lucas, think about this—think about how hard it’s been for her and—”
I hang up.
Then I bellow in agony.
~*~*~*~
The Hell’s Knights’ compound is a red brick house with sheds, surrounded by a barbed-wire fence. I go to the front gate and two bikers stand, smoking and laughing. When they notice me, they both stop. I’m not driving my patrol car, but I have no doubt they know exactly what I am. Just like I know exactly what they are.
“What the fuck you want, cop?”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Lookin’ for my wife.”
They study me. “What makes you think she’s here?”
“I have some solid information that tells me she’s here.”
“And that information would come from where?” a big, burly guy says, grinning.
“I lost my fuckin’ daughter, I lost my fuckin’ life, now I’ve lost my fuckin’ wife!” I bark. “Dammit, all I’m askin’ is for you to tell me if she’s here. Don’t care what you do. Don’t care what you say. I just need to know if she’s here.”
Their faces soften, only slightly, but it’s there.
“What’s her name?” he asks gruffly.
“Jennifer Black.”
Their brows shoot up and burly guys speaks. “Jenn is your wife? Didn’t know she was married.”
My chest coils tightly. “Well, she is. She here?”
“Haven’t seen her for the last few days. She was here Monday night.”
The last time I saw her.
“Anything you can tell me about what she was doin’ that night?”
They look to each other, then the burly one orders, “Go get Jackson.”
They disappear inside to get the man who is no doubt their president. Which means they don’t want to tell me what they know, or worse, they know it’ll be hard to take.
Neither is good.
CHAPTER 20
NOW – AVA
I sit on my sofa, staring at my phone.
Lucas has called seven times. I don’t know why. I can’t bring myself to answer it, because I know he’ll hear it in my voice. He’ll know I’ve had alcohol, he’ll know that I’ve let him down, and I can’t bear it. So I’m just sitting against my kitchen counter, my legs tucked to my chest, my chin touching my knee. I can’t believe I gave in; I can’t believe I didn’t try harder.
A pounding on my door jerks me from my trance. I glance over at it, seeing a silhouette outside the front window. The shadow of Lucas ‘Shadow’ Black. I stare at it, unmoving.
&n
bsp; “Ava!” he bellows, pounding on the door. “You in there?”
He sounds concerned—pissed, even.
“Your lights are on. Open up.”
I don’t move.
“I’ll bust the door, kid. Countin’ to three.”
I shift slightly. He’ll do it; he’s that kind of man.
“One.”
I push to my knees.
“Two.”
I push to my feet.
“Three.”
I rush over and fling the door open just as he’s lifting his foot. My eyes widen. “You were really going to do it?” I whisper.
His eyes flash to me, and his foot drops. “Yeah, I was.”
“Why are you so frantic?” I ask, stepping back and staring at the ground.
“You’ve been drinking.”
My body flinches, and I don’t look up.
“Why, Ava?”
“Some friends came over . . . We were just having fun.”
“Except you’re not in a place where you can drink for fun.”
I blink back the burning under my eyelids.
“I don’t think I can do this, Lucas. I’m trying. I’m trying but . . . I need something to help with the pain. How do you suppose I deal with the horror if I am forced to just live with it?”
He’s silent, so I lift my head and see he’s deep in thought, his face twisted in an odd way. I’d go as far as saying it’s regret, realization and sadness.
“I’ll be back in the morning. Be ready.”
I blink.
“Pardon?”
He leans forward forcing me to step back. He takes the door handle and murmurs, “Lock up. Don’t drink anymore. I’ll be by in the morning.”
I open my mouth, and I’m hurt. I’m hurt he’s leaving. He’s angry at me, I get that, but I thought . . .
“Lucas,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”
He says nothing; he just pulls me forward and kisses my forehead. “Tomorrow, Ava.”
“Lucas . . .”
