by Sheila Heti
Pause.
SARAH
That’s it.
Pause.
SARAH
Did everyone write down their lunch orders?
Where’s the sheet?
Josh hands her the sheet.
SARAH
Awesome. Lunch should be here by one at the latest.
She leaves.
*
Sandy vacates his chair at the end of the table and then they all put on tiny goggles and face the empty chair. They are talking to someone we can’t see. We can only hear his voice. He has a posh British accent.
MAX
Hello!
Oh there you all are!
DAVE
ADAM
DANNY M1
JOSH
ELEANOR
Hi
Hello
Hey!
Hi
So nice to meet you!
SANDY
Why don’t you all introduce yourselves.
DAVE
Hey Max. You know me.
(pause)
/Dave.
MAX
Yes hello Dave!
DANNY M1
Danny./We—
MAX
Yes Danny I remember Danny hello.
JOSH
Josh.
ADAM
Adam.
ELEANOR
Eleanor.
BRIAN
Brian.
Pause.
MAX
Brilliant. Hello everyone.
SANDY
This is the team, Max.
MAX
Yes yes (garbled) great and it’s a (garbled) in every way.
They all smile at Max, trying to decide whether or not to say something to him about the connection. Sandy gives Brian a look like “fix this.”
SANDY
How are you, Max?
MAX
I’m doing quite well. I’m sitting here in my kitchen and it’s quite sunny after a few days of clouds and I’m very happy to talk (garbled) all of you.
Brian exits to go find Sarah.
SANDY
We’re really happy to talk to you too.
You’ve got a lot of big fans in this room.
Danny Mi nudges or winks at Eleanor. She mouths “stop!!”
MAX
Well you already all know how (garbled) you are to be working with Sandy and I just want to say Sandy how lucky I feel to be embarking on em another journey with you. Heathens was such a success in every way, ah, artistically, financially, (garbled) we’re thrilled you want to make something else with us.
SANDY
I’m thrilled too.
I’m thrilled too.
Brian and Sarah reenter and start scrambling around for a solution to the bad connection without Max seeing them.
MAX
(Garbled garbled) so just wanted to check in with what you all are thinking. I obviously want to give you a lot of (garbled) but we’re all eager to know what you’re cooking up in that (garbled).
SANDY
Well Max it’s only been what five, six weeks, so we’ve been doing a lot of talking, a lot of getting to know each other, you know how I like to break everyone down and make them tell me stories from their childhood/and—
MAX
(Garbled garbled)
SANDY
Yup. Yup.
And we’re also asking each other big questions about time and space and the nature of what we all do for a living, you know?
MAX
(chuckles)
Yes. Sounds very (garbled).
Brian and Sarah somehow communicate to Sandy that the problem is not fixable. Sarah exits. Sandy stoically launches into his pitch.
SANDY
So we’re asking questions like:
What would communication look like without time?
(pause)
Does God think in generals or particulars?
(pause)
What if effects came before causes and answers before questions?
(pause)
Can you have meaning without matter?
Because we’ve been talking about the fact that whales and dolphins are telling each other stories all the time but they’re doing it without words or pictures or objects.
What if we could do that for this project, Max?
What if we could tell the story that’s the only story we all need to know? And we didn’t even have to write it down or turn it into code or hire actors?
If you think about the greatest thinkers in world history
Jesus
Socrates
Confucius
None of those guys recorded anything or wrote anything down.
And what we know about them we know through other people telling stories about their stories.
Could we go back to the beginning?
Could we remake our collective unconscious?
Nothing from Max. Maybe a little static.
SANDY
And Dave had this—
Dave why don’t you tell him.
Pause.
DAVE
Really?
SANDY
Yeah yeah. Go ahead.
Dave wishes he’d been prepared for this life-changing moment but he jumps in anyway.
DAVE
Well Sandy can tell you I see everything, including time, in terms of circles and spirals. In terms of loops. I’m the loop guy.
(Eleanor looks at him, betrayed, but then quickly goes back to Max)
And so Sandy and I have been talking about a story that’s a kind of ouroboros. A snake eating its own tail. So there’s a point at which, without realizing it, you come back full circle and—picture this visual—you actually encounter yourself but from behind. Picture taking a hike and thinking you’ve walked in a straight line but then suddenly you find yourself back where you started and you’re staring at your old self, the self who stood there at the beginning of the hike, tying his shoelaces, but you’re looking at the back of his head.
Still no response from Max.
SANDY
You still there, Max?
MAX
Yes. Yes. Although I think you lost me when you (garbled) talking about snakes eating their own tails.
Max chuckles.
SANDY
Forget about that, Max. That’s not the important part.
Dave scoots back in his chair, cowed.
MAX
Garbled Garbled heady stuff.
SANDY
Mmhm.
Say that again?
MAX
It sounds like you’re getting into garbled garbled stuff.
SANDY
Yeah. Yeah. We are.
MAX
But ultimately you know what we love about you is your ability to just tell a really simple (garbled), to reel people in and make them garbled garbled.
SANDY
Sure, sure.
A long silence.
MAX
. . . Well. You seem like a lovely group.
JOSH
ELEANOR
ADAM
Yeah.
You too!
Thanks so much.
MAX
I’m going to sign off now because the dog is looking a bit anxious and pawing at the back door and I think he needs to take a wee.
SANDY
Thanks for listening, Max.
MAX
Thank you (garbled) everyone.
JOSH/DANNY Mi/ELEANOR/ADAM
Bye/Bye/Thank you!/Nice meeting you.
Whatever they’ve been looking at disappears. They all take off their glasses.
JOSH
Well that was pretty cool.
ADAM
I can’t believe that was/him.
ELEANOR
He looks so old.
JOSH
I thought he looked great.
ELEANOR
Yeah but he used to be so sexy.
DANNY M1
ELEANOR
Yeah but he’s clearly had a face-lift.
JOSH
He has not had a face-lift.
ELEANOR
Yes he has! Yes he has! Oh my god men can never tell.
He’s had his eyelids done and his face lifted and they shaved away some of his chin and those are hair implants.
ADAM
You’re insane.
ELEANOR
JOSH
I would bet you a million
He hasn’t had plastic surgery.
gazillion dollars.
That’s so not his style.
SANDY
Can everyone please just be quiet for 30 seconds so I can hear myself think?
They sit in silence.
LUCY HUBER
■
A Fair Accusation of Sexual Harassment or a Witch Hunt?
FROM McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
“In an interview with the BBC published early Sunday, director Woody Allen addressed the wave of allegations against Harvey Weinstein, calling it ‘tragic for the poor women’ but also warned against a ‘witch hunt atmosphere.’” —New York Times, October 15, 2017
1. George is a middle-aged man who works in an office with a younger female colleague, Annie. The female colleague wears a short skirt one summer day to the office. George comments, “Nice gams, Annie” and gives her a wink. Annie files a complaint with HR. Is this:
A. A witch hunt
B. A fair accusation of sexual harassment
2. In the year 1693 in Salem Village, Sarah Good is a woman living in poverty and disliked by the townspeople. A jury of men decide that she was a witch after forcing her to confess that she signed her name in the “Devil’s book,” a thing that does not exist. She is hanged several days after giving birth to a daughter. Is this:
A. A witch hunt
B. A fair accusation of sexual harassment
3. Lucas is a photographer in New York. He often comes in contact with models and sometimes when directing—whoops!—he gives them a quick pat on the bum. Several models have reported him, but nothing has been done. Is this:
A. A witch hunt
B. A fair accusation of sexual harassment
4. Sarah Osborne doesn’t go to church like the townspeople of Salem expect her to. Because of this, a group of men decide she is a witch and is accused of using dark magic to pinch several young girls in town with invisible knitting needles. They arrest her, put her in prison, where she dies. Is this:
A. A witch hunt
B. A fair accusation of sexual harassment
5. Anderson manages a restaurant. He hires a new server, named Ella. While rubbing her shoulders he tells her that if she wants more tips she should wear a lower cut shirt. Ella does not feel comfortable around Anderson, but needs a job to pay her rent, so she only mentions this to her friend, who says he’s done it to her, too. Is this:
A. A witch hunt
B. A fair accusation of sexual harassment
6. Tituba is a woman from Barbados, but is now enslaved by white people in the town of Salem. She continues to practice her religion, which the people of Salem don’t understand. They assume it means she is a witch and beat her until she confesses and rambles about black dogs and riding on sticks, then imprison her, despite no evidence that witches actually exist. Is this:
A. A witch hunt
B. A fair accusation of sexual harassment
* * *
Sexual harassment: 1, 3, 5
Witch hunt: 2, 4, 6
BENJAMIN SCHAEFER
■
Lizard-Baby
FROM Guernica
LAST YEAR, WHILE ON VACATION in New Mexico, I went on a vision quest with a South American shaman, met the Devil, and came home pregnant. Mother keeps saying, Sins of the father, but I’m trying my best to remain optimistic. I wasn’t even going to tell her about the baby until after he hatched, but then she showed up at my door in her white Chanel coat, with that pinched look on her face. You’re pregnant, she said. I could tell by her tone it wasn’t a question. I smiled. Won’t you come in, Mother, and when she didn’t, I said, Suit yourself, but it’s a lot colder out there in the hallway, and retreated back into the apartment. I don’t understand how this happened, she said. Do you need me to explain the mechanics to you? Don’t be crass, Fiona. I saw you two weeks ago, thin as a cane, and now, well, I’m sorry dear, but you’re enormous. In defense, I placed a hand on my belly, on the hard shell forming beneath the skin. I pictured the armored back of a tortoise; I whispered its secret name. Lizard-Baby.
Mother removed her winter gloves and placed them on the island counter and began to unbutton her coat. I suppose you’ll be wanting me to explain this to your father. Don’t worry about Daddy, he’ll be fine, I said as I shouldered out of my bathrobe and dropped it on the kitchen floor. My God, Fiona, what are you doing? Mother asked. Oh, don’t be so prudish, Mother. It’s just the body, I said as I stretched out on the large slab of slate rock I had purchased from the garden store the day I returned home from New Mexico. I’d positioned it in the center of the living room where the coffee table once stood, having pushed all the furniture against the wall. I never understood the attraction of sunbathing, not until I was pregnant, that is. There was something delicious, luxurious, erotic almost about the feeling of the smooth hard surface against my bare skin, warmed by the heat lamps I’d angled around it. Mother retired to the lazy chair. Your sister never would have done this to our family, she said. I closed my eyes. Well, I’m sorry to have disappointed you.
Tomás was equally dissatisfied by the turn of events. If I’m being completely honest, I hadn’t given much thought to how he’d figure in all this, not until a few days later when he rushed into the apartment. I forgot I had given him a key. I was lying down in the living room under the lamps, reading a magazine. It’s not mine, is it? he asked, aghast, I’m sure, at the sudden curvature of my stomach, at the trail of dark hair and sweat that graced the incline down from my navel. No, Tomás, it is not yours, I said, and saw the breath escape him. For a moment he looked relieved. Wait, what do you mean its not mine? I mean it’s not yours, Tomás. Well, if it’s not mine, then whose is it? he asked. I turned over on my side. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Why are you even here? Your mother called and reamed me out for knocking you up. Mother. Well, I’m sorry, but she was mistaken. Is there anything else? No, I guess not, he said, and then, Can I get you anything? No, I said, and smiled, but its sweet of you to ask. I guess I’ll just be going then. I think thafd be for the best. Tomás looked down at his feet. His black curls covered his eyes as he tended to a mark on the floor with the toe of his shoe. You’re sure it isn’t mine? he asked.
The following Monday, I went into the office to file for maternity leave. It always seemed strange to me that, for all intents and purposes, maternity leave and disability are practically the same thing. Though perhaps not so strange, I considered as I waited in the lobby, opting for the elevator instead of the stairs. I was still trying to negotiate the change in my weight. My boss was, for obvious reasons, surprised by the state I arrived in, but gracious still. When are you due? he asked. I told him I had no idea. Soon, I hope! Well, take as much time as you need, he said, patting me awkwardly on the arm in that way men have of handling anything remotely hormonal. Margaret, the woman who worked in the cubicle next to mine, congratulated me on my way out. I noticed you’d been wearing looser-fitting clothing recently, you sly fox, you, she said. A baby is one of God’s greatest gifts. I decided to play it coy. Well, it’s certainly a gift from somebody! I said.
