by Claire Kent
“I realize that now. But I’m wondering if you would have realized it at all had Mike not come along and played the voyeur.”
The words were snide, and Julia wasn’t sure who the real target was. But she bristled in immediate defense of Mike. “He wasn’t playing the voyeur. He’d come in and happened to—”
She broke off suddenly. “Drayton?” she gasped. “Did you know he was there?”
She’d been so out of it while Drayton was fucking her that she hadn’t been conscious of anything else. But Drayton hadn’t been so overcome.
His face was unreadable, but she knew—she knew. “You knew he was there! And you kept fucking me anyway! Drayton, how could you?”
He lifted his eyebrows again. “How could I? Do what’s been standard practice between us for more than a year?”
“It was different, and you know that. That was just cruel.”
“You know, I’m hardly surprised you would think that.”
She wanted to cry at the realization of what had been going through Drayton’s mind. And Mike’s. But instead she stormed back into the living room to put on her shoes and grab her hoodie.
“Julia, he’s not worth it. He wants to move on—you know that.”
“Yes, I know that, but I’m not going to leave it like this.”
She grabbed her keys and purse and started to leave when Drayton grabbed her by the arm. His grip was hard, painful, relentless. And she gasped at the urgency in his face, bordering on desperation.
“Julia, don’t leave. We were going to talk—”
“I can’t talk more right now.” She wrenched away from him and left the apartment, relieved when he didn’t try to stop her.
She called Mike as she headed down to her car. He didn’t pick up. So she called again. He didn’t pick up this time either.
She kept calling back as she got into her car and pulled out of the parking deck. After about five minutes, Mike finally answered the phone. “Julia, I’m not answering for a reason.”
“Screw your reason. I need to talk to you.”
“Now is not a good time.”
“I know you’re angry and upset, but we need to deal with it. I didn’t cheat on you. You can’t act like I did.”
There was no answer.
“I’ve been in a relationship with Drayton for a year and a half. Just like you.”
“I know that.”
“Then why are you acting like I cheated on you?”
Again, no answer from Mike.
“Mike!”
“We can talk,” he said gruffly. “I mean it. But now is not a good time.”
“Then when is a good time?”
“When I’m less angry.”
He was angry—she could hear it in his voice—but she knew he was more hurt than anything else. She wasn’t surprised he wouldn’t admit it.
“Mike, where are you?”
She was driving aimlessly at the moment, but she was ready to seek him out immediately to make this better.
She swallowed hard at the nature of the silence on the other end of the call.
“Mike!” The one word was a choked plea.
“I’ll call you later. I will.” He hung up, and she knew it would be useless to try to call him back again.
She couldn’t go back to Drayton. Not now. So, after a minute’s reflection, she made a U-turn and headed back in the opposite direction.
***
“Julia,” Helen said, comforting in her typical, matter-of-fact way. “I can’t understand what you just said.”
Julia managed to get herself under better control, mopping up her face with a paper towel and sniffing until she could speak more clearly. “I know he feels like I was unfaithful to him—but I wasn’t. I wasn’t!”
“I know that. It’s unreasonable for him to think that just because he changed his mind, you would too.”
“I’m allowed to fuck Drayton,” Julia insisted, feeling another sob rising up in her throat.
“I know you are.” Helen sat beside her on the couch. She’d been grading papers in her pajamas, but she’d put her work away immediately when Julia had turned up in tears at her front door.
“He’s watched me do it a million times before.”
Evidently thinking it wise not to question this hyperbole at the moment, Helen simply said, “It might be a little bit different this time.”
Julia crumpled at the new wave of emotion that overtook her, imagining again how Mike must have felt as he’d entered their shared apartment only to find Drayton between her legs. “I know it hurt him. I didn’t mean to hurt him. If I’d been thinking, I wouldn’t have…but I’m not going to let him convince me it was an act of betrayal.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“He felt like it was, but it wasn’t.”
“Quite right.”
Wiping her eyes again, Julia peered at Helen suspiciously. But there was no trace of mockery on her friend’s face.
“I’m with you on this,” Helen said, evidently reading her mind. “Whatever your reasons for fucking Drayton, you were within the bounds of the relationship as the three of you had set them up. Mike changed terms. You didn’t. And what kind of judgmental hypocrite would I be if I assumed it was easy to cut Drayton out of your life for good, even now that you know it’s probably smarter to do so. You’ve lived with the man for a long time. You’ve been intimate with him, you’ve shared life with him. Anyone who says it’s easy to just let all of that go because it’s smart is crazy. Plus, you’re a really loyal person, and I’m sure giving up on Drayton is going to feel like disloyalty to you.”
Julia nodded. “It does. I still feel like shit about Mike, though.”
“Of course. You hurt him.”
“I wish I hadn’t.”
“I should have been stronger. I was so determined to think clearly and make a good decision. I had it all figured out this morning. But then as soon as I was with Drayton, I just caved.”
“Why do you suppose you did that?”
“I was scared,” Julia admitted, not even having to search for the answer. “I was weak. I didn’t want things to change. When he started to touch me, it all felt so easy, so familiar. I just went with it.” She sighed. “Aren’t you ashamed of having such a wishy-washy weakling for a friend?”
“Nice alliteration,” Helen said, “But I hope you don’t really think I’m that kind of judgmental know-it-all.”
“No. I know you’re not. But you’re always so smart and no-nonsense and ironic. I kind of thought you’d think I was silly.”
Helen shook her head and stared at the opposite wall of the living room. “It’s easy to make decisions about something that’s not happening to you. I’ve never been in your situation—what could I possibly know about it? Besides, no real person is strong all the time. It’s perfectly natural to have moments when you just don’t feel up to fighting. When you just take the easy way when it’s offered. Don’t beat yourself up. There’s no changing it now. What you did wasn’t immoral. It wasn’t wrong in any objective point of view. It just wasn’t what you wish you’d done.”
“Yeah.” Julia felt exhausted but quite a bit better. “Thanks.”
Helen smiled and put a friendly hand on her knee. “I have my moments. Now if Mike would ever stop pouting, you can explain things to him and get over this.”
Julia gulped. “He was really hurt.”
“I know. But he’s a big boy. And he loves you. And despite that possessive streak I always knew he had, he’s a pretty reasonable guy. He’ll get over it.”
“I don’t know.”
Helen shrugged. “So, if he doesn’t get over it, then just leave it be. If he wants to sulk like a baby, you can just go on with your life. Who needs him anyway?”
“Helen.” Julia had already started her automatic objection to this horrible thought when she realized the corner of Helen’s mouth was quirking. “Helen!” she said again, this time with a different resonance.
Helen smiled. “I didn’t think so.” She paused for a moment, then added, “You realize that you’re far more upset about hurting Mike than you were over learning Drayton is a criminal?”
“I know,” Julia muttered, looking down at her lap.
“What do you suppose that might signify?”
“Shut up.”
“Right. That’s what I thought.”
They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Julia shook herself off and met her friend’s eyes again. “All right. That’s enough hysterics for me. I’m ready to be strong again.”
“Good. Now you just need to figure out where Mike is so you can go drag him out of his moping.”
Julia knew why Helen was belittling Mike’s pain, and she knew her friend didn’t genuinely believe his feelings were trivial. So she didn’t argue against the choice of words. Instead, she thought through possibilities and soon realized the answer was obvious. “His cousin has a cabin about fifty miles out of the city. He probably went there.”
“All right,” Helen said, standing up when Julia did. “Then go find him. Make him listen to you. And don’t let him make you think you were bad.”
“Right. I wasn’t bad. Just stupid.”
Helen frowned at her.
“All right. Just human,” Julia corrected. She couldn’t help but smile though—and wondered what she’d do without Helen.
As she got into her car, she was still thinking about what it meant to be human. Earlier this morning, she’d been reflecting on how Drayton was just human too—but now he seemed farther from her and Mike than ever.
***
An hour later, she pulled off of an isolated, country road, her tires crunching on the gravel and trees hiding the small cabin until she’d turned through the curve in the driveway.
Mike went to his cousin’s cabin periodically to fish, and once she and Drayton had gone with him.
Drayton had complained the entire weekend about the accommodations—the thin mattress and the weak spray in the shower. She’d thought it was funny—he’d been hamming up the snobbish arrogance for her benefit—but Mike had been annoyed.
In fact, it had been one of the first times she’d noticed a real tension between the men. She’d written it off as bad mood, but it had signaled a shift in their relationships. It had only intensified through everything that followed.
She’d willfully ignored the progression—she could see that now. If she’d acted on it back then instead of suppressing it…who knew? She still couldn’t imagine how things could have ended well. If the two men couldn’t live together, there was no way she could keep what they’d had.
Julia got out of her car, her steps grating loudly on the gravel. She was wearing brown hiking shoes, and she watched as her feet took each step on the loose stones.
When she reached the cabin, she tapped on the door.
No answer.
She looked around the side of the cabin and was relieved when she saw a black SUV parked there. At least she hadn’t been wrong about where Mike had gone. Now she just had to get him to let her in.
She walked along the outer wall and tapped on a window. “Mike!”
Trying to peer in, she cupped her hands around her eyes so she could see past the glare. The window gave her a good view of a table. She saw Mike’s laptop resting on it.
“Mike!” she called out, more loudly now. Why the hell wouldn’t he let her in?
“Julia.”
She almost squealed as she whirled around. The voice had come from behind her.
Mike approached the cabin, carrying a fishing pole. He wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t glaring or about to yell at her either.
She tried a smile. “Catch anything?”
He shook his head. “I guess my location wasn’t much of a puzzle.”
Vaguely, Julia took comfort in that thought. If Mike had really been trying to avoid her, he’d have gone somewhere she wouldn’t know to look. “Are you going to send me away?”
Shaking his head again, he gestured toward the cabin. He hadn’t shaved this morning, and his dark bristles were thicker than normal. “Come on in.”
Julia went inside. The rustic furniture was as she remembered it, down to the worn bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. Mike’s overnight bag was on the bed across the room.
When he waved toward the rocking chair, she perched on the edge of the seat, wishing this conversation was over.
Mike didn’t sit down. He just leaned against the sturdy table. His chest rose and fell as he looked at her, a hard edge to his jaw and his eyes uncharacteristically unyielding.
He looked like some sort of rugged, hardened cop from a movie. It was like she was seeing him for the first time.
“I’m sorry, Mike,” she said, a swell of emotion pushing her into speech. “I really am. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“But you aren’t going to admit that what you did was wrong?”
“I don’t think it was.” She twisted her hands together, praying for the right word. “I mean, I wish now I hadn’t done it, but I didn’t cheat on you. And I think I need you to acknowledge that before we deal with the rest of this.”
There was a long pause before Mike said thickly, “I’m not sure I can.”
“Mike—”
“I watched him fucking you, Julia! And I wasn’t a part of it. It felt like a betrayal.”
Julia leaned forward, urgent and sincere as she asked, “A betrayal of what?” She wasn’t challenging him. She really wanted to know.
“Of what we have.” She could tell it wasn’t easy for Mike to speak so nakedly, but he didn’t back down or close off. “You know how I feel about you. I stayed awake all night worrying about you. God, what a pitiful schmuck I am. And you turn around and fuck him as soon as I—”
“I didn’t just turn around and fuck him! Don’t make it sound dirty. I’m in a relationship—”
“The relationship is over, and you’ve obviously made your choice.”
Mike did turn away then, and she saw his face close down, empty in a way she couldn’t bear. Clearly, he assumed this was the end of the conversation.
But it wasn’t even close.
She got up and grabbed him by the shoulder. Turned him around to face her.
“I haven’t made a choice,” she snapped. “It didn’t mean I made a choice.”
“Then why did you fuck him?” His eyes flared out again—angry, urgent, and desperate.
She wondered how long he’d watched her and Drayton fuck. How long he’d tortured himself.
It seemed significant that he kept calling it “fucking.” She’d always thought about it as making love before. Mike had always referred to it as sex.
“I did it because I didn’t want to make a choice, because I wanted things to stay the same.” The words felt like they were wrenched out of her. “It’s not fair, Mike. My life is being torn apart by this. It’s not fair that I have to choose between you. That I can’t be loyal to both of you.”
“I know.” Mike let out a breath. His face softened—in fatigue not in tenderness. “I know it’s not fair. It’s not fair that Drayton kept this secret from us, and that he’s still willing to lie to us. And it’s not fair that we had a decent thing going for a while. And then I had to fall in love with you—just you—and couldn’t stand for Drayton to touch you anymore.”
Julia stared up at him, her mouth open. While his feelings had been becoming increasingly obvious, it was shocking to hear it said so bluntly. It felt like she was frozen inside, so frozen the chill threatened to shatter her.
“I know that technically you didn’t do anything wrong,” Mike said, “I know I have no legitimate claim on you. But it feels like I do, and I can’t stand the thought that he fucked you.”
“He’s fucked me regularly for months.”
“I can’t stand that either.” Mike made a guttural sound and looked away. “It used to be hot—the fact that both of us fucked you. It was hot and freeing and easy. A scena
rio with no exclusivity and minimal responsibility. Nothing that could possibly hurt me. No one who could leave me and break my heart. But now I keep visualizing all the ways I’ve seen him take you. And I want to wring his neck for every time.”
“Oh, Mike…”
“I know it’s not fair to spring this on you. Why do you think I’ve been holding back for weeks, trying to talk myself out of it? But I can’t. I can’t share you anymore.”
A lump in her throat threatened to strangle her. “It’s not that easy, Mike. I’ve always been with both of you. It’s not like one of you can just fade away and everything left will work fine.”
“Why not?” Mike asked in almost a growl.
“What?”
“Why not? Why can’t it work? Why do you keep assuming that letting go of Drayton means letting go of me too? You know as well as I do that there are some real problems with being in a relationship with a professional thief, but even if he weren’t who he is, Drayton just doesn’t love you the way I do. He has to harden himself to do what he does. That’s the change we’ve both sensed in him. I know you feel loyal to him, but you feel even more than that for me. Why can’t you admit that and see that we might build something even better out of what’s left of the old relationship?” He took her by the shoulders, his hands as hard as granite. “You love me.”
“Of course, I love you. What we had was supposed to be casual, but that wasn’t enough for me. But it’s always been both of you at once. Why can’t you understand?”
“I do understand, but I don’t think it’s the way you believe it to be.”
“What do you mean? What do I believe?”
Mike’s mouth twisted strangely, and his eyes were suddenly angry again. “You think I only bring half of what you need.”
Julia sucked in a painful breath. “No! That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No—”
“Drayton is the exciting one, and I’m the one who picks up the pieces after he’s done.”
For a moment, Julia thought she might gag on the pressure in her throat. “No.”
Mike still hadn’t let go of her, and his eyes held hers with brutal insistence. “Maybe it’s a little simplified, but not much. You need me to be soft because you only find sharp edges with Drayton. So I hold you, and comfort you, and take care of you.”
