I was young and dumb when we met. Guys like him impressed me then, and I did fall in love with him. A long time ago. Promises we made, and things we said to each other two years ago became null and void when I was Divined. Why? Because I got to see his file, and learn intimate details about his behavioral patterns as well as watch helplessly while he struggled through training that he was perfectly capable of completing. I requested my initial mission be a return to civilian life, to fast track Agent Speer in his divination process. These requests were rightfully and thankfully discouraged.
“He's stubborn. He'll make it on his own, or he'll fail. We can't risk you or anyone else on this mission.” this was the assessment I received from Agent Matias at the time, one I stand by to this day. Fast track missions are generally classified as 3 or 4 risk missions. Fast tracking Agent Speer was given a 7. This is all common knowledge within Project Divinity, and I feel it should be taken into consideration when it comes time for what I hope to be a single session of couples therapy with Max and Mama Maryam.
We are talking about an agent with off the charts aptitude nearly across the board, one who would have likely never been divined if it weren't for such aptitudes. We are all rooting for him, myself included. If you read this Agent Speer, know that I'll always care for you. We are a part of a very special family, and I wish you success. Please be coachable, approach training seriously, and take into consideration the opinion of your trainers when it comes to ten level mission readiness. All five Divinity agents that have died in the field, have done so on such missions. Be patient, and allow yourself to reach your potential as an agent. You are not a one man army, and we can provide you with great field support if you let us. I will continue to demolish you in intuitive problem solving training games so that this remains apparent.
Grow up, let it go, and get over it. We will all be better off the sooner you do.
Rolling my eyes,
Agent Kynsey Brixley
DIVINITY Log: Max Speer
LOG Entry 5
07/21/2017
So I am told that this log is not confidential, it will be read by Mama Maryam, and by any other team members who request access through Mama Maryam. Now might be a good time to apologize for my comments regarding your breasts, although I stand by them and would point out that they were meant to be complementary. From now on, all thoughts regarding team members of the opposite sex will be explored exclusively within the confines of my own mind. Moving on…
As promised, I have kept thorough records on much of the communication that took place between myself and Agent Brixley pre-Divinity. I will reveal these transcripts now, as a way to thwart her post hoc rationalizations, and to prove once and for all, that she did in fact spread her cheeks, and shit all over my heart. Some of her skidmarks can actually still be seen when viewing my heart under the right lens.
Furthermore, I would like to state, unequivocally, that I no longer harbor any feelings towards her whatsoever, aside from those of contempt, and resentment. Without further ado, I present to you, the words of an untarnished troubadour in a time of great vulnerability, and the words of a liar, one who couldn't follow her heart if she were using a GPS system. Names have been changed to fit current Divinity standards.
Let me set the scene for ya, all sexy, like only I can do. So I'm covered in a thin layer of sweat, with dilated pupils, surrounded by color bursts and unicorns walking like Egyptians, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my phone buzzes. I look down, and stare at the rainbow emitting from my illuminated screen. It's glorious! Why was I staring at it again? Oh yeah, a text. Not to plug illicit drug use, but LSD is wonderful. The message is from Kynsey, two words. Love you.
My head practically exploded. Somehow, despite my obvious crush on her, I hadn't actually realized it. She was the one! I loved her!
Note: Digesting multiple hits of Lysergic acid diethylamide has been known to occasionally cause feelings of joy or Euphoria, and decreased inhibitions.
This is verbatim, the conversation that followed.
Max: I love you too.
Kynsey: How are you? My heart is full talking to you.
Max: Needing you. Glad you found me.
K: Ugh, try ditto.
X: Been a minute, huh?
K: Too many minutes.
X: I count the seconds. I miss you.
K: I miss you Max. How's life?
X: Better now. We've known each other a long time. I'm peaking on LSD right now, and you found me.
K: Of course. Life is so interesting, and I'm glad I found you. Somehow.
X: There are no somehows. We know each other. How could we hide?
K: I don't know. And it kills me.
X: I'm done with it if you are.
K: I am. Enjoy your trip. Just know my love for you is endless. Purely unconditional, as it always will be. And I love you more than words, as you know.
X: More than words my love.
K: Promise?
X: I won't need anything as weak as a promise, or as unsure of itself as a poem, or any expression other than the truth of our love for that matter.
K: I knew you were going to say that Max.
X: How is this? How didn't I see? So much wasted time. I want to pull you to me through will alone right now.
K: How is this feeling so mutual right now? Please tell me how.
X: Because this is it.
K: Now what?
X: No more dancing, wondering if it might be true. We are it, in all its glory. You have to ask? We will sing it of course, to all who will listen.
Adorable huh? At least X seemed to be a likeable character. Now would be a good time to point out the following; Kynsey would follow this up by continuing to lead me on, and then ditching me without as much as a word once she was divined. And she isn't even considered dead. Some angel huh? Also, I am not entirely innocent here. Even the righteous one himself, the truly divine heart angel, made one regrettable statement that could be considered a lie upon closer review.
“Or as unsure of itself as a poem.” well it turns out, I did write her a poem. Multiple, in fact. I know, What an asshole! I will save those poems, and their readings, for our live and in person therapy session. Mama Maryam, bring a big bald bodyguard, it's time to for your best Jerry Springer impersonation.
(H)artist,
Max Speer
DIVINITY Log: Kynsey Brixley
LOG Entry 413
07/22/2017
Couples therapy with Max Speer in one hour. I cannot believe this is really happening. Before it starts, I am going to briefly summarize my encounters with Max since his Divination so that they are officially on the record.
Day 1, Max is divined. Most agents are simply confused when the process occurs, entering into a state of catatonic shock while we pick them up and transfer them to headquarters. It's simple really, we target the awakening agent with a specific type of radio waves, and boom, they're out. Of course, Max didn't accept this. He used a spiral breathing technique to keep himself lucid, and attempted to sprint from the assigned pick up point, a rest stop in the middle of nowhere on the highway in Arizona. This was not ideal, but not inherently a problem. There were few other cars on the road at the time, and we cover our tracks well.
Still, Max wasn't done there. Upon realizing he would not escape, he stripped off his clothes, stumbled an additional 40 yards, in his underwear, and collapsed in the center of the highway. He was last seen screaming “Abduction! Save me Jesus.” There was an influx of phone calls to local police regarding the incident, and the unmarked black SUV we picked him up in. This oversight meant we had to stay local an extra night, while keeping agent Speer bound, tied, and gagged, before switching cars in the morning to complete the transfer. The mission was successful, and I only bring this up because it paints a picture regarding agent Speer’s general disposition. It is also hilarious, and a mental image that will forever be burned into my skull.
After two days of convincing, using hundreds of pie
ces of evidence in the form of records and video, as well as aptitude and training test results surrounding his involvement in Project Divinity training, he finally relented, exclaiming “I knew I was better than everyone else!” he was elated, and truly seemed to believe that his Divine status was literal. After more than 30 days in the program, this belief remains firmly entrenched.
His official training began on day four, three full days behind schedule. After sitting patiently through the initial briefing, he wasted a good portion of my first session with him repeatedly asking me how old Agent Matias is.
“You aren't even 3D yet, and he is 4D?” he found this comment especially hilarious, electing to reword the same joke and use it repeatedly. Despite being almost obscenely cordial to Agent Matias while in his presence, he has taken to referring to him exclusively as Grandpa Matias while in mine. Members of Project Divinity are under no specific code of ethics in regards to the way we talk to each other, and we all love to joke around, but Agent Speer has no intentions other than getting under my skin. His behavior is unprofessional, and worse yet, is actively stunting potential training progress. If this continues, I will be forced to make an official request that he is trained by another agent.
Agent Matias has already suggested I make this request, but I have elected to await the results of this therapy session. It is in all of our best interest that we come together as a team.
Agent Speer does settle down when engaged in competitive training, against me. He has taken quickly to intuitive problem solving games, and exhibits a near obsessive drive to beat me in them, despite his inability to do so.
As expected, his main concern in terms of mission are 10 risk missions. He sees the other risk levels as pointless, citing as the reason, “even you and old man Matias can do those”. I would like to point out that he has yet to complete a single mission, of any risk level.
There has been one instance of his coming to me for a grown up conversation regarding our past. After a particularly one sided beating in virtual reality, right brain rubik's, he actually accepted defeat.
“You know, after you disappeared, I overdosed on Molly.”
“I'm aware. Your coping skills need work.”
“Yeah. It was crazy though, I sent your mom a message and everything.” he said.
“I know. And she told you I was fine.”
“I wasn't worried if you'd be okay, I already knew you would be. I was worried if I'd ever see you again.”
“Well here I am.”
“Fuck you. It's bad enough that you ditched me, it's worse that you didn't even wait. I was lost, and you didn't help me. You could have at least tried. And then I get here, and my middle school gym teacher has his arm around you?” he couldn't resist sneaking in a jab about Rocko’s age. “At least I know where to go if I need to score a Viagra after a Coke binge.” or another.
“I did try, but you weren't ready. And I did wait, but you didn't try!”
“I didn't know! I loved you more than anything, and if I knew what I had to do to find my way back to you I would have been here sooner.” I know him well enough to know it was time to end the conversation there. I could see that he was still hurting, and I didn't know what to tell him. Things change, and Project Divinity changes you.
There have been other conversations, here and there, but he seems content to hate me instead of trying to see my point of view. I understand his anger, I really do, but I've made up my mind, and it's based on a lot of things. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm going to explain the true reasons I decided to leave the idea of us behind with Mama Maryam there to mediate. The last thing either of us needs is another rage filled shout fest. I really hope I can make him see that we are a terrible fit, no matter how much fire we once felt for each other.
PROJECT DIVINITY
Couples Therapy
Agents Kynsey Brixley, and Max Speer
Session: 01
Therapist: Mama Maryam
07/22/2017
Pre-Therapy Notes
This one was obvious from day one. Agent Speer has issues with Agent Brixley stemming from their pre-training relationship, and is consciously angry and resentful toward her on multiple levels.
Agent Brixley and I have already undergone two productive therapy sessions regarding this issue in the past. Now that Agent Speer is divined, it only makes sense to discuss things officially. Not only do they have unresolved issues about the past, they are on the same team, Five Team, and Agent Brixley has been assigned as Agent Speer’s head trainer. This indicates to me, that Project Divinity President Eduardo Garcon views these two agents as having high potential when paired together. Either that, or as Agent Brixley has suggested, maybe he actually enjoys triggering agents.
From what I have read and heard about these two agents, I suspect these sessions will be regular occurrences.
Transcript
“Okay you two, I understand that there was something of a romantic connection between you before Divination, and Agent Speer, you feel that Agent Brixley, let me check my notes, yes, Spread her cheeks, and shit all over your heart?”
“Wow. Before he answers, can I just say that I'm sorry you have to read his log, and that I understand your pain.” said agent Brixley.
“You love my writing. Speaking of which, I brought along the poems I wrote for her.” Agent Speer leans forward, extending a manilla folder to Mama Maryam. “And yes, that is how I feel.”
“Fair enough. I also understand that you've engaged in multiple conversations with Agent Brixley regarding these issues since your Divination?” Mama Maryam scribbles away at her pad.
“I have stated the obvious, while Agent Brixley has offered nothing resembling an apology for the way she treated me. And she doesn't owe me one, but I don't see how we can work together if-”
“It's called being an adult, and being a professional. The mission should be placed before petty personal issues.”
“Agent Brixley. We are here to discuss these issues, and to speak openly.” Mama Maryam interjects.
“Yeah Agent Brixley!” Max says, arms folded across chest.
“You two! They do not call me Mama Maryam for nothing. I can be the cool mom, who stays out of the way and guides you through therapy, or I can hook up electrodes, and you will each speak when told to speak. Understand?”
“Yes ma am.”
“And Agent Speer, this isn't the civilian world, where you are so much smarter than everyone else that you can simply do as you please, show your ass, and then manipulate them into thinking you were the good guy all along. We've all been divined here, and we are a family. If you wanna be the black sheep, that's your prerogative, but we will call you out on your bullshit at every step. And nobody, I mean nobody, is going to patronize me. Let that serve as a warning. Now, let's get focused and move through this, I have an appointment for my toes and I will not be late on account of childish bickering.” both agents change tone, like siblings after being chastised by their mother. “You are the one who caused me to schedule this session, and we all know you love to speak, so speak.”
“Got it. Look, I can't help feeling this way. I loved this girl, Agent Brixley, and-”
“Then speak to her. I'm the therapist, the therapy is not for me, it's for you.” Mama Maryam whips Agent Speer around in his spinning chair, and then pushes it closer to Agent Brixley. Max no longer appears confident, nor comfortable.
“You already know, I loved you. And as far as I knew, nothing changed. It's been a while, but I never heard from you. I tried to move on, to get through life without you, but it was hard. I'd already made up my mind about you, and as soon as I did, you ran away.”
“I was divined.”
“I know that now, but how would I have known then? Then I get here, and, gross. I can't even think about you and that old guy, it makes me sick to my stomach.” Max turns slightly as Kynsey responds.
“He's forty! That's not even old. You're 28!”
“Whatever,
that's like saying a raisin isn't old compared to a grape.”
“What?” Mama Maryam stands, and let's loose a chuckle. “I need a glass of wine. Yall want a glass of wine?” she asks.
“It's 2 pm.”
“I'll have hers as well.” Max says, continuing on as Mama Maryam strides toward the therapy bar. It is rare that she moves to daytime wine, and never this early in a session.
“I want to hear you say that you don't love me anymore, and if you say that, I wanna hear you admit that you never did. Because if it was real, you couldn't have let me go so easily, and you definitely wouldn't have tossed a Viagra into the retirement home and jumped on the first thing that popped up.”
“I'm not even, ugh! You're a fucking child!” she exhales, planting her face inside a bowl of her hands.
“Kynsey!”
“What did I do now?” she asks, raising an exhausted expression.
“Red or white?”
The Divinity Page 2
