“Do you still feel like you are processing the whole thing? With the Max pool?” I continued to poke away, using the time tested technique of relentless prodding.
“Maybe a little, but I'm honestly okay with it. It's cool actually, to know that everybody’s watching. Gives me motivation, because you know that as I move past each bet, I'm gonna be swinging my dick in all of their faces.” Max lit up at the thought.
“That's an interesting way to put it.”
“It's okay Mama Maryam. Even though you took the over, I'll swing my dick in your face whenever you want me to.”
“I'll keep that in mind. So you are fine with the pool, just not with Agent Brixley’s participation?”
“Pretty much. I'm just done with her in general, this was the nail in the coffin.” he said.
“That's what I'm trying to understand. You seem to be holding her to a higher standard than the other agents. And I bring it up because as of right now, you are blazing through training under her tutelage. It's a good match.”
“She has nothing to do with my success. I'm made to fly, she happens to be the lucky coach who got paired up with me. I'll make anyone look good.” Max said, full of himself as he was of shit.
“I don't doubt that you will hit risk ten readiness either way, but training doesn't stop there. You'll always be sharpening your skills, and it's best you have a partner that can always push you.” I said, trying in my own way to pry his stubborn eyelids open.
“I understand. Get me the best then.”
“Agent Speer, believe it or not, she is one of our highest rated trainers. And furthermore, she is by far the highest rated trainer in terms of compatibility with you. And before you discovered the pool, you two were absolutely killing it. What I'm trying to understand, outside of your past with Agent Brixley, is why are you expecting more from her than the other agents?” I came well prepared with questions when I found out that he'd skipped the team breakfast. Agent Brixley was obviously more under his skin than he cared to admit. I find it kind of cute that he thinks I can't see straight through him.
“Because I do hold her to a higher standard. I saw what she could have been, what we could have been. And no matter what she tells you, don't be fooled. There is one reason, and one reason only that we aren't together. Fear.”
“Of?”
“Don't know, don't care. It's not my job to deal with someone else's fear. Ask her yourself.”
“I will. So you know her potential, and hold her to a different standard. Is that fair?” I asked, unwilling to let him off the hook with cop-out responses.
“It is.”
“Well have you ever considered that maybe she is doing the same thing to you? And that her fear stems from your recklessness?”
“I don't understand. You mean because I drink and like to fight in a cage?” he asked. The poor boy. He sincerely didn't see why Agent Brixley hadn't been waiting for him with open arms and legs spread wide.
“No. I mean that you are specifically preparing for risk ten missions. From what you've said, you will be considering them exclusively. Tens get killed on ten missions, it's a fact of life.” I would waterboard him on the issue if need be.
“So you think she doesn't want to be with me because she's scared I'll die?” he asked.
“I don't know why, I'm just playing devil’s advocate for your theory on her fear.”
“Would you be wearing skin tight red leather?”
“Excuse me?”
“You said you were playing devil’s advocate. I can only assume employees of the devil wear a skimpy uniform.” speaking of the devil, Max flashed his most devilish grin, always thoroughly impressed by his own jokes.
“Sure. If only the position of devil’s advocate were literal instead of metaphorical.” my retort.
“Thank you. That's a wonderful visual. What do you plan on wearing for Halloween?” he asked. Resorts to flirtation, and jokes when he isn't comfortable with the direction a conversation is heading in. Note taken, too easy. He thinks he is in control, but nobody sets the frame like Mama Maryam.
“Max. You are my last session, and this is important. We both know I'd rock the ever living shit out of some skintight red leather, and feel free to go home and relieve yourself to those mental images, but for now, can we focus on this session?”
“Fine. I don't know why she's scared, but your theory is as good as anything I've got.”
“If that were true, what would you say to her?”
“I'd tell her to get over it.” his eyes were drifting, another sign that he didn't have the answers. Hadn't thought of it before.
“Very sensitive of you. I can't imagine a single reason that she would avoid you romantically.” I said. When I find a weakness, I like to plant a seed and then cut my agents loose so they can go think about it on their own.
“Hey now, whose side are you on?”
“I'm not on either of your side. My job is to help you see things clear, to move past your own mental blocks.”
“I'm sensitive.” he said, defending his perception of himself being right, and Brixley being wrong.
“So is Agent Brixley. She's been here longer than you, she has seen agents die. She's also seen your wild side. All that I'm saying, is not to take everything to extremes.” I could feel that we were approaching the end of the session, so I tried to move into my wrapping up statement. “As of right now, your relationship with Agent Brixley is strictly professional. If that's hard to swallow for you, emotionally, then good. Use it as training. Risk tens will drag you into much deeper, and much murkier waters emotionally than this situation. And if you want Agent Brixley, romantically, then try opening up to her and getting into her fears. See things from her point of view and then find a perspective somewhere in the middle where you can communicate. Be patient.”
“Fear was the old problem, but now it's something else.”
“Which is?”
“An ancient, dusty old artifact.”
“You've lost me.” I said.
“A penis from the Mesozoic era.”
“Oh my God! Matias? Get outta here Agent Speer, I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Same time?”
“Same bad channel.”
“I love you Mama Maryam.”
“I love you too.”
As much as I do love him, I'm starting to feel for Agent Brixley.
PROJECT DIVINITY
Individual Therapy Log: Agent Max Speer
Therapist: Mama Maryam
LOG Entry 7
08/03/2017
“Why don't you believe in yourself Agent Speer?”
“I do.” he is stiff, I'm impatient.
“This is intensive therapy Agent Speer. It's about getting you risk ten ready.”
“Really I'm good. I'm good with fear.”
“It's doesn't scare you?”
“Not really no. Nice tool to have, once you can use it as a weapon.”
“That's good. But not everywhere huh? You have a spot that remembers, you didn't like that we bet on you dying. But everyone dies. You've said repeatedly that you'll only consider ten missions. You know there's a high risk of death associated with those missions right? Cause if not, as your therapist, I might wanna warn you.” I get the laugh I need to loosen him up.
“I'm over it. Fuck everyone who didn't take the over, I'm not here for friends or lovers. Unless of course, you are available.” he said.
“You need to realize real quick that we are on the same team. All of us. Take your licks, and don't react. Learn the rules, blend in a little. With the shit you're talking about doing, in terms of mission goes down, we're all on the stand up. Risk tens suspend a lot of other missions, they require full time focus on each and every aspect from a lot of people. This isn't a kamikaze job, because even though you'll be pilot or copilot, it'll be a lot of people's assess potentially on the line.”
“I know. Gotta settle down some.”
“This is a job. Act according
ly. Become like ice. We have a lot of fucked up people in this unit, and they do a lot of good work. Learn to pay attention, learn everything about all the agents in the unit. They'll be in your ear or covering your ass when you're out there. And when shit goes off, and you're the one holding a gun, you'll want it to be smoothe. Intuitive. I have zero relationship issues within the unit, I've had a few over the years but I resolve em quick. It's not worth it.”
“Preach Mama preach!”
“Oh I am. Don't forget that I do hold training status over you, this is real shit briefing.”
“I can see that. Let it rip. I'm grabbing wine, you want wine?”
“Sit the fuck down.” I gave him eyes and watched him drop back in his chair. Some are easier to manipulate than others. “I'll get it.” Max was my last session of the day, and had showed up 15 minutes late. “Look, you know I like you, but my job can get a little pushy at times. I need you to open up about personal shit, hence this wine I'm pouring.”
“I know. I'm trying.”
“You're doing fine. But that day you stormed in here, ranting and raving about the Max pool, I saw how much it meant to you when I told you I took the over.”
“I was emotional, but yeah. It still does mean a lot to me.”
“That's perfectly natural, to want the love and approval of others. We are human after all. I'd skip it with most agents, because I understand.”
“But you wanna drive the stake into my heart and twist it? Really get in there and explore my pain?”
“Exactly.”
“What, you're serious?” he asked. “How come?”
“Cause you are the big bad Agent Speer, the Ten man who only takes ten risk missions, right?”
“That's not all I am.” he took the wine, and shrugged. “But that is why I'm here.”
“And you know I've got your back, and you can trust me, and that I'm your therapist and friend?”
“Of course.”
“Well that's not all I am. I’m also a spy. When a therapist takes on a risk ten agent like yourself, we know that we have to get in deep. Any weakness I can find, every single doubt. It's my job to find it, poke it, get you to think about it, talk about it, and then some. It's gonna hurt sometimes, but I'll be as gentle as possible while getting the job done.”
“I'm cool with that.”
“I'm letting you know up front, because you don't understand fully what I mean yet. I'm a spy Max, just like you. If you get drunk at the Christmas party and break down, or say something in your log, or in your poetry, I will exploit it. And at the same time, I can't have you trying to hide things from me.”
“Exploit it?”
“Yes. Bring it up, use it to try and get an emotional response from you, pass it onto your trainers so they can attack you with it.”
“What? So how am I supposed to be open after you told me that?”
“Because you know it's in your best interest. That it's the only way you'll survive these missions. The only way for you to achieve greatness. Iron sharpens iron Max, and there will be many times when we have to make you quite uncomfortable.”
“Fuck.”
“I didn't want to blindside you, or lose your trust. Cause it's gonna sting a little.”
“So you're like, my dominatrix?” Max asked with a grin. Naive. Game as hell, but very naive.
“Whatever you have to tell yourself Agent Speer, so long as you spread your cheeks submissively whenever I need you to.”
“Fuck. You've got me sweating now.”
“Good. Then you admit you can still feel fear?”
“Depending on the probe. Yes.”
“So I'll ask you again, why don't you believe in yourself Agent Speer?”
“I'm a badass mother fucker, but I know I'm not the only one. I know myself pretty well, I think. I've spent years observing my own behavior and trying to understand it. I’ve got plenty of weaknesses, plenty of things to exploit. I do believe in myself Maryam, I know that I can do this. Doesn't mean that's how it'll go down. My fear comes from doubt, from knowing without a shadow of one that I am not the one in control here. Not of Project Divinity, and not of this universe. I'm terrified of my own fearlessness, of my lack of fear not being enough. Of my genius not being enough. Of my skills coming up short in crunch time.”
“Wow. I never expected to hear that from you. Good answer.”
“What? I can get deep. I'm deep as hell.”
“I know you are a deep thinker Speer. I didn't expect to see that little sliver of humility shining through.”
“Humility was beaten into me, it goes deep. So does my confidence. When you told me you took the over, and I broke down, it wasn't because I didn't believe in myself. It wasn't because I needed other people to think I could do it. It was because I've felt isolated my entire life until I got here. Overlooked. Kynsey was the first person who could really see me for me, all of me, then she disappeared. Project Divinity is my family, my people. The others like me. So it fucking hurt, bad, to see that Kynsey banked on her doubts about me. That everyone did. It was like, even here, I was right back to being overlooked. But you saw me, and bet on my potential. You know damn well I might go out on mission number one, with a bullet wedged deep in my brain, I know that too. But why the fuck would you bet on that? Like I said, I'm not in control here, and neither are you. But we can follow our hearts, and it's damn sure nice to be seen. Even if it's only by one.”
“Amen. I'll drink to that love.” we shared a silent moment, sipping on a dry red. “That's good for tonight Speer.”
Looking back, I'm not sure why I initially took the over. It had been a wild day, and someone had put together this crazy poster board as it became clear that Speer was finally going to be Divined. There were lots of other bets already placed, all based on his reputation and aptitude scores. There were only a few of us who really knew him. Agent Brixley, of course. And then a couple of agents who helped out with surveillance and video editing.
And me. I'd always liked Speer. Thought he had some depth to his character despite all of his vices. Honestly, I never expected him to be divined in the first place, he nearly got booted from the program so many freaking times. He was being groomed as a ten man, an assassin, but I'd watched him cry over injured animals and pass out drunk in a pile of his own vomit. He didn't seem suited for risk tens, but I always hoped he would get in. Maybe I was being optimistic, or didn't have the heart to bet against him. He was set to be one of my agents after all. Whatever the reason, I'm sure glad I did. I might have permanently lost his trust otherwise.
DIVINITY LOG: Maryam Hasaka
LOG Entry: 2087
08/04/2017
Had a very interesting one on one with Eduardo Garcon today. It would appear that he has a vested interest in Mr. Speer. Eduardo and I often swap emails, he likes to keep up to date on the agents in the program, and me. But this was different. A sneak away private lunch in the city. Nice restaurant, his tab, all business.
“I want them together. At the very least in a training capacity.” he said, mulling over his pasta with his fork.
“Me too, but it's falling apart.” I said.
“Mama Maryam, don't even. You can damn near manipulate matter.”
“Perhaps, but I try to guide my agents, not manipulate them. I'm a therapist, remember?”
“And a spy. For Project Divinity. They both love you, and you're the only one who owns his trust Besides Koch.”
“I've tried to postpone and delay the request. I'm sure he'll come back around.” I said.
“Good. Consider it a mission. Keep them paired.”
“I'll try, but I'm not God. I can't affect their will. If they don't wanna be together, that's that.”
“You are a goddess, you don't have to bend wills. They bend to you.” Eduardo has a very direct style of speaking. He says what he means, and isn't big on compliments. I took it to mean that this so called mission was high on his priority list.
“Yeah Yeah. Is that wha
t this whole meeting is about?” I asked. He hadn't left any details on the email that told me where to meet him, even left the subject line blank.
“It is. Let me explain the importance of this mission.”
“Cool. I'm gonna dig into this lobster while it's still warm.” the smell was killing me, and I skipped breakfast so that I could feast.
“Max isn't like the other tens. He's brilliant, a true chameleon. He can get along with anyone. But all he wants to do is sprint headfirst into walls.”
“No kidding.”
The Divinity Page 5
