by Eric Vall
“What you’ve read from the ancient texts and heard from your modern-day preachers appears to be true, Jacob,” Liby consoled. “Demons have infiltrated your society and have made it all the way to the top.”
I sat down next to Todd on the pew and hoped that it was still sturdy enough to support our weight.
“Even if the book was written in the eighties, these hidden demons have to still be around today,” I growled. “Think of all the horrible shit in this world that could have been prevented if these asshole demons would have just stayed in Hell.”
“Maybe somebody up there is trying to tell you something, Jakey.” Todd picked at his teeth with his claw.
“We still need to find the spell that can kill Azazel,” I said as I stood up from the pew and returned to the books. “And while we’re at it, maybe we can find something to deal with those other demons, too.”
“That’s what I like to hear!” the blonde succubus exclaimed as she ran over to the pile of books and started to look them over.
“I’m with you till the end, master.” Libidine said as she joined her friend at my side.
“Fuck it.” Todd shrugged and then waltzed over to our position. “We’ve come this far, haven’t we?”
The four of us took a deep dive into the texts before us and spent hours upon hours sifting through them in various states of drowsiness. I was still going through the books when I noticed rays of sunlight starting to peek through the stained glass windows of the Chapel of the Trinity. It made for a beautiful yet haunting scene, the rays of light illuminating the once-elegant architecture of the building and the marvels that dwelled within.
Cupi and Todd both sat on the stairs of the stage, comically passed out over the books they had been studying like students cramming for an exam. Libidine snuggled up to me as we paused to enjoy the scene in front of us. After we had taken in the sights of the dawning day, we went back to work.
About thirty minutes later, Libidine let out a loud “Aha!” that resonated through the empty chapel and woke up our friends. Todd rubbed his eyes tiredly, and Cupi stood up and stretched with a yawn. I sauntered over, half-asleep, to see what the succubus had found.
“It’s a banishment spell meant to be used on the more powerful demon overlords,” she bounced happily at her discovery. “It was in one of the newer books, so I’m guessing it was created specifically to get rid of those demons in disguise that are still here on Earth Realm. It says here that it can be used to send overlords back to Hell, but it can also disintegrate lower-level demons and mortals who defend them!”
“That could have been really useful to have a few days ago.” I laughed. “So, how do you cast it?”
“That’s the thing,” she said with a frown. “It says here that only one who is pure of heart and has the power of a thousand spirits can perform the spell. If not…”
“Then poof!” Todd chuckled as he threw a handful of dust into the air.
“For lack of better words, yes,” Liby said with utter seriousness. “You die horrifically.”
“But it does work, right? Could it work against Azazel?” I questioned.
“I guess so.” The dark-haired succubus shrugged. “But it’d be risky.”
“Come on, Liby,” I joked. “You should know by now that ‘risk-taking’ is my middle name!”
“I thought it was Charles?” Todd snickered.
“Har har,” I playfully mocked the imp. “How do we cast it?”
Libidine hesitated, but then read the passage. “To cast a spell of this magnitude, the user must first call upon the energy of any metaphysical entity that fights alongside him. Then, he must use that energy to channel his spirit, his entire being, towards the demon in question. Finally, he must say the words Eieci te ad infernum unde venistis. If done correctly, lesser beings will be destroyed, and the more powerful entities will be sent back to the pits of Hell.”
“You think your three years of Latin are good enough to remember that, Jakey?” Todd laughed.
“It’ll have to do. If we want any chance of defeating--” I started, but my words were cut off by a booming, searing noise from outside.
The four of us ran to the door of the chapel to see what caused the commotion, and I couldn’t help but gasp in horror.
Outside stood a large demon that could tower over even the tallest basketball player in the world. He must have been at least eight feet tall and built like a tank. The demon’s skin was bright red, and his exposed torso was ripped with powerful muscles. On his head, he had two long, curved black horns whose tips nearly came together above his head to make a singular antler. The demon’s lower half was covered with a sort of chainmail armor that glinted in the morning sun.
Beside him stood a younger-looking woman with rose-red hair and a cherubesque face, and I instantly recognized her as the succubus madame, Superbia. She was completely naked, her tiny, frail body exposed to the cool night air of the wilderness around her. The succubus madame looked nearly comical next to her mammothly-tall master, as she was only about five feet in height herself. The woman may have looked innocent, but she was suspending a man in the air with a black flame as he kicked and gasped for breath.
It was Thomas Parker, the paranormal investigator we had met earlier.
“Is that who I think it is?” My heart dropped as I asked the question.
“Azazel,” Cupiditas confirmed as the color drained from her face.
Chapter 22
“Jacob Ralston!” Azazel’s deep, demonic voice boomed like thunder throughout the Chapel of the Trinity. “Azazel, Father of Warfare and King of the Fourth Circle, demands an audience.”
“I think I’m good right here!” I tried my best to joke at the demon, but my voice came out shaky. “It’s actually pretty cozy once you get past the mildew and the leaky ceilings. Thanks anyway!”
Even I was rattled by the creature’s intimidating presence.
“Your feeble attempts at humor will get you nowhere, mortal,” he balked. “You have something that belongs to me. Two things, actually.”
“Look, Azazel, I’ve been over this multiple times with every single asshole you’ve sent after me,” I called out from the doorway. “Cupi and Liby are staying right where they are!”
“Cupiditas, Libidine.” Superbia now spoke up. “It’s time to come home, girls. You’ve had your fun. Is a mere mortal man worth an eternity of suffering?”
“If you’d seen what we have, you’d want to stay too, Sister Superbia!” Libidine responded.
“I expected Libidine to be so simple, but you too, Cupiditas? I expected much more of you.” Superbia shook her head back and forth.
“Jacob is a wonderful master, Sister.” Cupi spat. “He’s ten times the man Earl ever was. He’s our friend and our lover.”
“Return to me, my succubi,” Azazel interjected. “I will show you what a night with a real man is like. The mortal is not long for this world, anyway.”
“We have already made our decision,” Liby shook her head. “Besides, Jacob’s dick is way bigger than yours.”
“You dare insult me?” Azazel’s purple eyes turned bright red as they started to glow with Hellfire.
He slammed his foot into the ground, and the entire Chapel started to shake like it was being assaulted by a massive earthquake. Then, with just a quick flick of his wrist, he unleashed a mammoth fireball at our position. The flame crashed into the steeple of the Chapel, and it lit up like dry tinder that was stored in the desert. The wooden structure cracked, popped, and then disintegrated into ash in an instant.
“I had considered making you an offer, mortal,” Azazel bellowed with rage. “But now I’m going to rip you limb from limb and feast upon your bones! Your skull will make a fine drinking cup, and your manhood will be crushed underneath my boot!”
“Let me try one last time, Azazel,” Superbia tried to calm the angry demon before she turned back to the church. “Girls, you need to let us in. You know what the King of the Four
th Circle is capable of. The mortal is done for, but there might still be a chance for you. Please come out!”
“I still can’t believe that’s your madame,” I whispered to Libidine. “She looks like she’s half my age.”
“Looks can be deceiving,” the succubus explained. “Sister Superbia thousands of years old.”
“She just likes to keep herself looking as young as possible.” Cupiditas shrugged. “A lot of men like it that way.”
As the three of us were talking about the succubus madame, Todd had managed to hoist himself up into an open window just large enough to fit his impish body, and he put his free hand up to his mouth to form a makeshift bullhorn.
“Look, bro,” he addressed Azazel. “The ladies already said no. The four of us already fucked up everybody you sent after us, and we’ll fuck you up, too. Don’t make me bust out my super-awesome karate skills.”
“An imp. How charming,” Azazel mocked as he pulled out a piece of parchment from his torso armor.
“Awww, he’s so cute!” Superbia cooed and then shut up instantly when the demon shot her a dirty look.
“Fuck you, bro.” Todd stuck up his middle finger. “You can’t get in here without a warrant. And even if you did, there’s four of us and only two of you!”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Azazel’s mouth contorted into a devilish grin as the words slipped out.
The demon cracked his neck back and forth and then raised his hands into the sky. What looked like a green lightning bolt crackled down from above into his open palms, forming an enormous ball of emerald flame. Azazel thrust his arms down and sent the spell into the grass around the church. The green fire surrounded the building as the Earth began to rumble. All around the outside of the Chapel, there was a scratching sound. Hundreds, if not thousands, of mounds began to bubble up from beneath the field and then clawed, red hands sprang forth with a spray of dirt and rock. Out of each mound crawled some sort of nightmarish Hellspawn without any distinguishing features. They all looked like a larger, muscular, evil version of Todd. The New England wilderness was filled with the hisses and inhuman screams of the creatures as they demanded blood.
“Now, about that warrant…” Azazel smiled and waved the paper back and forth triumphantly. “Your friend here was more than happy to write me one.”
“Can… Am I free to go now?” Thomas Parker coughed through the black flames. “I showed you where the Chapel was, and I wrote you that warrant so you could go in.”
Azazel nodded to Superbia, and the young-looking redhead lowered Thomas down to the ground harmlessly.
Slowly, the Paranormal Investigator stood to his feet and began to ease away from the army of demons that had been summoned. As Thomas turned to run away from the horrors in front of him, Azazel caught him around the torso with his massive hand. Then the demon laughed as he lifted the helpless investigator up so that he could be at eye level.
“Foolish mortal,” he cackled. “The Father of Warfare doesn’t barter with human slime like yourself.”
Thomas began to open his mouth to plead, but Azazel’s fist tightened around his waist. The paranormal investigator’s eyes bulged, and his face turned a sickly purple as he drew the last breaths he would ever take. Azazel closed his hand the rest of the way and sent Thomas’ eyeballs shooting out of their sockets like they were champagne corks. The orbs dangled from their retinas halfway down the man’s blue face.
Azazel grabbed the body, one hand on the armpits and the other holding both of the feet, and tore it in half. Crimson sprayed across the demon’s face as Azazel reveled in the gore and happily licked up the splashes that landed on his face with his snake-like tongue.
“Uhhh, that’s not good,” Todd whispered.
“Nope,” I sighed.
The demon lord tossed Thomas’ lower half into the crowd of demons, who swarmed it like a pack of rabid dogs. With his right hand, Azazel grabbed the lumbar that now dangled out of the body and started to swing it around above his head as if it were a lasso. The surrounding demons cheered as pieces of blood and guts showered them. Then Azazel tossed the remaining half of the body off to the side nonchalantly, and I felt my stomach flip flop from the disgusting scene.
“And now, mortal,” the demon turned his booming voice back to us. “It’s your turn!”
“Ah, fuck,” I sighed as Azazel began to lumber towards the door of the church, warrant in hand.
“Azazel, Scourge of the Heavens, I command you to stop!” a thunderous voice rang out from the sky.
A blinding white light appeared directly in front of the Chapel door, and the figure of a tall man came into vision through its shimmer. The light dimmed, and there stood a man with long, dark hair, and a flowing white robe draped around his body. He was clean-shaven, and his skin looked like it was glowing even long after the light had gone.
“Raphael. It’s been awhile, old friend.” Azazel gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes.
“Spare me the pleasantries, demon,” the dark-haired man said with a wave of his hand. “I am here to speak with Jacob.”
Raphael stepped through the threshold of the Chapel of the Trinity. The Archangel seemed to float just above the ground as he continued across the decrepit floor toward our position. He greeted all four of us with a kind bow, one-by-one, before he placed his hands across his chest.
“Do not fall for this demon’s trickery. The paper he has is not legally binding,” the Archangel explained. “This is a holy place, and if he or his minions cross that threshold, the consequences will be dire.”
“So, what, do we just hang out here and hope he goes away?” I questioned.
“I will deal with him, Jacob.” Raphael nodded. “Once he is gone, we can talk business.”
“Business?” Cupi scoffed. “I thought Angels didn’t cut deals with Lucifer’s minions.”
“Ah, Cupiditas.” He clicked his tongue. “Always the one to call people out. Yes, what you say is true. You may come from the pits of Hell, but you are fighting for… a larger purpose.”
The Archangel snapped his fingers and vanished before our eyes. He reappeared in front of Azazel with a flash of white light. The King of the Fourth Circle growled and stamped his foot before waving the warrant in front of Raphael’s face angrily.
“We’ve been over this, Raphael,” he spat. “According to the Heaven-Hell Accords of 1344, a warrant obtained from a mortal by a demon is valid. It’s no different than if he had invited me inside.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Azazel.” The Angel shook his head. “The Heaven-Hell Bilateral Amendments of 1561 clearly states that a warrant taken from a mortal via threat of violence constitutes extortion of the soul and is therefore non-binding!”
“There was no threat of violence, was there, Superbia?” the demon tried to argue.
“You literally ripped the man in half and fed him to your demon horde.” Raphael crossed his arms, not convinced.
“Listen here, Angel.” Azazel pointed his clawed finger at the dark-haired man. “This mortal stole from me and then murdered my men. If that wasn’t bad enough, he had to go and make it personal. I’m going into this church, warrant or not!”
“Bro,” Todd whispered to me. “This is just like this episode of Franklin and Bash that I once dreamed up. They were doing lawyer stuff for Satan, and there were all these hot tubs filled with beautiful women.”
“Not now,” I hissed as I turned back to the conversation between the angel and demon.
“Heaven and Hell have had peace for the last three centuries, Azazel,” Raphael warned. “If you break the compromise by entering this church, you know what happens. Are two succubi and a mortal man worth it?”
“Are they worth it to you?” Azazel sneered. “It’s just one man. Let him die, and we can still have peace.”
“That, my friend, is the difference between us.” Raphael shook his head in disbelief. “To me, every one of God’s children is worth it.”
“The
n you will die too!” he Azazel screamed as he lashed out at the angel.
The demon’s fist caught Raphael in the gut and sent him flying across the landscape into the dense forest, and Hellfire began to swirl around Azazel’s body as he let out a primal scream that made the entire wilderness around us tremble. Half of Azazel’s army rushed towards the downed Archangel, while the others ran towards the Chapel of the Trinity.
“Tear them apart!” he roared, and his demons erupted in savage cheers.
“Uhhh, bro?” Todd asked as the horde of demon minions ran toward the front door of the church. “Just how are we gonna beat all these bitches?”
“We’re way stronger now than when we fought Earl. We beat the stacked odds and took out the pimp, and we can sure as fuck take out these rent-a-demons.”
“Fuck yeah!” Todd shouted, and then the two succubi joined in as they raised their fists in the air.
“If we are going to die, then we best go out fighting like the warriors that we are!” Cupiditas yelled in support and then turned to Liby. “Come, sister, let’s show Azazel’s minions who they are dealing with.”
“With you till the end, Cupi,” Libidine agreed.
“Jacob, there are three main entry points to this building.” Cupi explained. “Liby and I can both take one, do you think you can hold the third?”
“I’ll do my damndest,” I replied.
“Good. Together, we will take these fuckers down,” she said as her wings sprouted from her back.
“I think you’re rubbing off on her.” Liby gave a weak smile before her bat-like wings carried her up so that she could guard the opening in the ceiling.
“That just leaves the back door,” I gulped. “Todd, are you with me?”
“You’re the Rob Schneider to my Adam Sandler,” he said. “You can be in all my movies, bro.”
“That’s the spirit.” I smiled and raised my fist. “All for one and one for all.”
“Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno!” Todd replied with a smirk as he nodded to me. “Let’s do this.”
The imp and I sprinted toward the rear of the chapel, and I reached down into my very being to summon my powers. A dull throbbing sensation pushed against my temples as the blue horns sprouted.
