“Is that what you think?”
“That’s what I know.”
“And what does that have to do with why the captain sent you to me?”
He clenched his fists, his muscles tightening throughout his body. She didn’t understand. The captain didn’t understand. No one did. Shawn died because Lucas left him behind. “It’s not going to happen again. Not on my watch. That’s why I’m here.”
Dr. James glanced at the clock on the wall. “Well, our time is almost up. I’d like you to think about why you believe you’re responsible for Shawn’s death. I don’t want your knee-jerk answer. I want you to really think back on the fire, about what happened and what you could have done differently, or not, that would have made a difference.”
As if that would help. He knew what he could have done differently. What he should have done differently. He never should have stepped foot outside the house without Shawn. Lucas had left his best friend in the house to die. All of this was his fault.
LATER THAT AFTERNOON, Lucas dipped a brush in a bucket of sudsy water and scrubbed at the mud caked on the side of the ambulance. He hadn’t been back to the station since responding to Sarah’s accident and Stacey left him on clean-up duty. That’s what he got for choosing to stay behind. But he was glad he did.
She’d stared into his eyes, the deep blue iris begging for his help as they extracted her from the car. Her gaze said many things, but primarily, they conveyed a sense of trust. She hadn’t been afraid; she’d been strong. But there was something else beneath the surface, below the strength: a look of sadness and grief that intrigued him. A puzzle he wanted to solve.
“Hey, man, you going to keep staring at that panel or are you going to clean it?” Stacey’s voice startled him and he jerked, flinging soapy water on the side of the rig.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m getting to it. If you were any kind of friend, you’d jump in here and help.” He grinned at her and winked before nudging her with his shoulder.
“Maybe if you’d come back right after drop off instead of hanging out at the hospital…” Stacey chuckled as she leaned her back against the ambulance, arms and ankles crossed. He knew that look. She wanted to talk. “How’s Sarah?”
Of course, his actions toward Sarah hadn’t gone unnoticed last night, especially since he’d already mentioned her to Jake. Regardless, Lucas didn’t want to share the details with Stacey just yet. Their connection felt private, intimate, and he didn’t want others intruding. “Doing okay. I left her a little while ago, before my appointment with Dr. James.”
“How’d that go?”
“Okay, I guess. It’s not like I wanted to be there, and it stirred up things I’d rather leave behind.”
Like memories of Shawn’s wife, Regena, crying at his gravesite, a six-month-old baby on her hip. Eli had barely been sitting up then, and now he was toddling around, kicking a huge ball around the yard. Shawn was missing it all because of Lucas. Like Sarah, Regena was raising a child alone.
He couldn’t do that to someone. No woman would be crying over his grave with a child at her side. He couldn’t have a serious relationship with anyone. Not just to leave them alone like Shawn had left his family.
“Hey, Stacey, would you mind finishing up here? I need to make a call.” He dropped the brush into the bucket and rushed from the bay.
“You splashed me!” Stacey yelled from behind him.
“Sorry, partner. I’ll get you next time.”
Stacey’s laugh followed him into the bunkroom. He hustled to the crew lockers where he’d stashed his duffel. He grabbed his cell phone and pressed the first speed dial button.
The phone rang four times. Where could Regena be? Eli definitely kept her on her toes, which is why he tried to check in from time to time.
She finally answered with a huff. “Hello?”
Yep, definitely frazzled.
“Lucas, is that you?”
“Yeah. Sorry to bug you. I wanted to check in. See how you were doing.”
“Sorry to be in such a mood. Eli is running me ragged today. He’s now interested in seeing what’s on the counters and behind the doors, so it’s a constant battle between a climbing monkey and a magician trying to get into everything.”
Her words may have been hurried, but the love came through loud and clear. That boy was her life, and she was his. “I thought I might come over later. Kick the ball in the backyard with him. Maybe that’ll wear him out a bit.”
“That would be great. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you. Eli misses you. He’s always asking for his Uncle Lucas. How about you come around five? You can play while I make dinner and then you can join us.”
“That sounds great. I’ll be there. Can I bring you anything?”
“Just your smiling face.”
“Alright. See you then.” He smiled and pressed the button to end the call. Regena impressed him to no end. She showed strength and determination, raising Eli on her own. She’d always planned to be a stay-at-home mom, but Shawn’s death changed that. She now worked part-time and juggled her job, daycare, and Eli. She made it look easy, but he knew better.
Seeing Regena would remind him of what was at risk if he started something with Sarah. Regena would set his mind straight, and Lucas would have a chance to tell Eli how wonderful his father was.
Chapter Seven
AS SOON AS his shift ended, Lucas hurried out of the station. He tucked the new soccer ball he’d bought for Eli under the bench in the cab of his truck before heading down the sidewalk to Emma’s shop, bursting through the door just before closing.
“Whoa there, Cowboy. What’s your hurry?” Emma yelled as he rushed up to the counter.
“I’m anxious to grab one of your sweet apple pies. You got any left?”
“You’re in luck. I’ve got one. Let me put it in a box for you. So how was your day today?”
Emma always made him feel at home; she always asked about his day like she really wanted to know. This hometown feel kept him here, kept him home, when so many others had left for bigger cities and faster lives. Even his own brother had left Oak Grove for Philadelphia. Not Lucas. He was here to stay.
“We had a bit of excitement in the storm last night—an MVA out on Old Mill Rd. A truck T-boned a car and drove it into a tree. I think you know the driver. It was Sarah, the woman I met in here the other day.” And the woman he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about since.
“Oh, my goodness. Sarah had an accident?” Emma waved her hands in the air then turned toward the kitchen and back to him. “I need to call her. Where is she?”
“She’s still at the hospital. I spoke to her sister last night and just left her a little while ago. I think she’ll be there overnight and come home tomorrow.”
Emma hustled around the counter and shoved a box into his hands. “Here’s your pie.”
He reached for his wallet.
“No charge. It’s on the house. For taking care of my Sarah. I need to call her. You’ll see yourself out, right?” Emma rushed into the back of the shop.
Dammit, he should have thought before blurting out what had happened. Him and his big mouth. Of course, Emma knew Sarah. Emma knew everyone. And she’d said Sarah’s name the day he met her. Maybe he should make sure Emma didn’t need help. He checked his watch. Regena was expecting him. If he stayed, he’d be late. After throwing one last glance into the back, he grabbed his pie and headed out.
In just a few minutes, Lucas pulled up to Regena’s house, a small two-bedroom cottage near the edge of town. The yard wasn’t large, but it gave Eli some space to run. Lucas had spent many hours there before and after Shawn’s death, but he’d been slowly pulling back in recent months. After the initial waves of grief wore off, Regena had wanted to talk about Shawn—celebrate his life—but Lucas couldn’t get past the grief. Or the guilt.
“Unka Lucas. Unka Lucas.” The toddler’s chubby little legs propelled him down the walk, his words breathless.
Lucas hop
ped out, hustled around the truck and scooped the little boy into his arms. He blew raspberries on Eli’s belly, and his heart warmed from Eli’s infectious giggles. Oh, to be young again with his entire life ahead of him, when guilt didn’t weigh him down.
Regena reached their side and rested her hands on her knees, her breaths coming in spurts. “Eli, you little monkey. You need to wait with Mommy and not run out of the house.” She popped a quick kiss on Lucas’s cheek. “I swear, that boy is going to be the death of me. How’re you doing?”
Tucking a wriggling Eli under one arm, he wrapped his other around Regena’s shoulders. “I’m great. How about you grab the ball and the box out of the front seat while I wrestle this monkey?”
Regena chuckled. “You’re spoiling him, Lucas. You don’t need to bring Eli something every time you come over.”
He didn’t reply. He would continue to bring Eli gifts, and Regena would continue to protest. Those were the steps they danced each time he came over. It worked for them. Besides, Shawn would expect Lucas to take care of Regena and Eli. That’s what he was trying to do.
Lucas tickled Eli, soaking up his giggles.
“I won’t, however, complain about the pie.” Regena’s voice was muffled from her head being tucked under his seat. She grabbed the pie and the soccer ball and slammed the door behind her.
Eli, upon seeing the ball in his mother’s hand, tried to wriggle away from Lucas. He shifted Eli and wrapped both arms around the boy to keep him from falling. “He is a slippery lizard, isn’t he?”
Regena laughed, an infectious sound he hadn’t heard enough in the past eighteen months. She really was doing well, was moving on from Shawn’s death… unlike him. “That he is.”
“Eli, do you want to go in the back yard and kick the ball with your Uncle Lucas while I finish dinner?”
A big, toothy grin cracked on Eli’s face. “Yay, Unka Lucas.”
Lucas put Eli down and nudged him toward the back yard. “You better hurry, little buddy, or I’m gonna get ya’.”
Placing her hand on Lucas’s arm, Regena flashed him a gentle smile. “I’ll let you guys know when dinner is ready. Thanks for coming by, and for the pie. I can’t wait for dessert.”
He smiled at Regena before darting around the house after the elusive boy. He didn’t know how Regena did it all; he couldn’t keep his eyes on Eli for thirty seconds. “Hey Eli, wait up.”
Regena’s chuckle followed Lucas around back where Eli had already lined up his foot to kick the ball.
Lucas chased Eli around the yard. Sometimes Eli kicked the ball, and sometimes he chased a bug or a butterfly. He had endless energy, and Lucas struggled to keep up with him. Finally, Eli flung himself onto the ground, his arms and legs spread wide, and stared up at the sky. Lucas lay down beside him, his breaths heaving in his chest. Damn, he was not in shape to chase a toddler around the yard.
After a time, Eli grew quiet beside him.
“How ya’ doin’, big guy?” Lucas turned his head to find Eli’s eyes closed and his breathing calm and measured. The little tornado had worn himself out and fallen asleep. Lucas placed his hand over Eli’s chest and closed his own eyes for a moment.
A LONG SHADOW shaded Lucas’s face, blocking out the sun and shocking him out of what had turned out to be an unplanned nap. He winked open one eye. Regena stood over both he and Eli, her mouth turned up in a smirk.
She placed a single finger over her lips. “Shh,” she said quietly with a glint in her eye.
Lucas climbed to his feet and moved to collect Eli, but Regena held Lucas back. Making no sound, she scooped Eli off the ground and snuggled him to her chest. Lucas hustled ahead of her to open the door and she strode past him, through the kitchen and down the hall to Eli’s room.
Lucas stepped into the house and found himself alone in Regena’s kitchen. A simple dinner of spaghetti and salad sat on the table. Spotting the open bottle of red wine on the counter, he grabbed two glasses from the cabinet and poured each of them some Merlot. He had just brought his to his lips when Regena hurried into the room.
He handed her a glass of wine and she took a long drink. “He’s down for the count. I don’t know what you did, but you did the trick. He barely stirred when I changed his diaper, so I went ahead and put him in his jammies and laid him in the bed. He’ll probably sleep all night.”
“He is definitely exhausting. I think he wore me out, too.”
“As evidenced by your little nap in the grass.”
He chuckled. “I guess I was more tired than I thought.”
“Well, go ahead and have a seat and we’ll eat. You can tell me what’s been going on at the station.”
He stopped short, his wine glass hovering just below his mouth. He didn’t want to bring up Shawn. Lucas hadn’t told Regena he’d been suspended, and he hoped no one else would, either. Otherwise, he’d have to explain the demons driving his risky behavior and no way would he do anything to remind Regena of how he failed her husband.
She quirked an eyebrow. “I see the wheels moving in that head of yours. You want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Nothing. It’s just been a busy few days.” He served himself some salad and pasta.
Regena stared at him and he shrugged. What did she expect him to say? Maybe she’d taken lessons from Dr. James because they both had a penetrating gaze that made him say things he didn’t want to.
“You know, you don’t have to sugarcoat it for me. I’m fine, Lucas. I really am. We miss Shawn every day, but you and I are friends, and I want to hear about your life. You can share it with me. I won’t break.”
He knew that for a fact. Regena was a strong woman, much like Sarah. Both women, taking care of themselves and a child, doing everything that should be shared between a mother and a father. Damn, he admired Sarah even more for moving to town with just her daughter in tow.
“What just put that smile on your face?”
He wiped his hand over his mouth, but couldn’t hide his grin. Maybe if he shared a bit about Sarah, he could get Regena’s perspective as a woman and a single mother. So he described his last week, whitewashing the harsher details of Sarah’s accident. Regena’s expression betrayed nothing as she hung on every word. Until he mentioned staying at Sarah’s bedside, at which point, Regena raised a single, inquisitive eyebrow.
By the time he was shoving the last bite in his mouth, he’d recounted the entire event.
“It sounds like a pretty crazy evening you had last night. What do you know about her?”
“Not much. I spoke with her sister. She has a daughter.” He paused, letting that thought sink in. He drew a long sip of wine. “She wasn’t wearing a ring.”
Regena laughed. “Checking out the ring finger of a woman in an accident. That’s a bold move, even for you.”
“Very funny. I met her at Mug ’n Muffin before her accident, remember?” He laughed with her. “It’s not like I tried to pick her up last night. I’m not Joey, you know.”
Regena threw her head back and then her expression grew more serious. “You want to see her again, don’t you?”
His gaze dropped to his plate. He didn’t want to discuss a potential relationship while looking into the eyes of the woman whose husband he’d failed to save. And how could he risk Sarah suffering the same fate as Regena? Hell, she may have already lost a husband. He just didn’t know.
“Lucas, look at me.”
He raised his head, forcing himself to stare into Regena’s eyes. But instead of condemnation, he only saw sympathy. He didn’t want her sympathy. She should be angry at him, should be shoving him out the door and telling him not to come back.
“I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to listen to me. Don’t patronize me, but really listen. I miss Shawn every day. We both miss him. But I’m okay. Eli and I are both okay. Not for one minute have I blamed you for Shawn’s death. I hate to see you carrying around all this guilt. I wish I could help you let it go, but I know that’s some
thing you have to work through on your own.”
He nodded. As he listened to Regena, he thought about the strong, beautiful woman lying in the hospital bed. And the other one sitting opposite him and for the first time, saw hope that he could work through his demons. Even if he was destined for a life alone. He had his family. And he had Regena and Eli. That would have to be enough.
Chapter Eight
“HERE WE ARE.” JESSICA pulled into Sarah’s driveway. Red and brown leaves that had been lying still for the past couple of days swirled around the car.
Sarah reached for the door handle and winced. She pulled her hand back and waited for the sharp pain in her side to decrease before she tried again. Eventually, she eased the door open and slid herself out of the car. Every muscle in her body ached... even her hair hurt.
A small, blue, four-door sedan sat at the curb. “Oh, Jessica. Thank you so much for arranging a rental.”
“I have a new car seat in the trunk for you. I’ll install it before I leave.”
“Thanks. I can’t even think about dealing with the insurance company and buying a new car right now.”
Lily and Nicky hopped out of the back seat and rushed up the walk while Sarah slogged along behind her at a much slower pace.
“Hurry, Mommy. Hurry.”
“I can’t go any faster, Lily. Aunt Jessica told you Mommy had an accident, right? You’re going to have to slow down and be gentle with me for a few days.”
Lily lowered her head. “Okay, Mommy.”
Daggone it, Sarah didn’t mean to be cross with her daughter. Lily hadn’t done anything wrong. She was her normal four-year-old exuberant self. Sarah didn’t know how she’d take care of herself and Lily for the next few days. Maybe she should have taken Jessica up on her offer to stay with her in Philly. But Sarah hadn’t wanted to run home at the first sign of difficulty. If she did that, she’d never truly break free of the memories that trapped her in an endless loop back there.
One Last Risk Page 6
