“I-I don’t know,” Liam finally answered. “I don’t know when or if it’s supposed to get better or easier. Saying goodbye…it doesn’t fix any of it. It’s just…always there.”
When Liam walked off and left the apartment, his brothers reacted with regret. Despite thinking he was in a better place all these years later, they’d triggered him. He was back in that moment, wanting to feel something again, something that didn’t hurt. There were muffled oh shits going around the room, none of his brothers sure how to fix whatever he was going through at that moment.
Liam found himself on the rooftop, as he often did when he needed to clear his mind or feel closer to his wife. It was her favorite place in the building, therefore it became his. It was a different world up there. You could see the bustling city all around to one side, the river disappearing in the distance on the other side. It was quiet, you could hear yourself think up there, and it felt like the clouds were within reach. It was peaceful.
With his foot on the ledge and his arms slung over the railing, he recalled what Reagan had said. She didn’t want to love anything else and thought he understood that. That’s what she saw in him – what she had learned from him. It hurt him that she felt that way. It nearly killed him that he taught her to feel that way.
Guilt was a daily occurrence for Liam. He never felt like he was doing anything right as a father, brother, son, friend…husband. Guilt consumed him when he saw the way everyone looked at him, that they pitied him, and he couldn’t be more for them. But the moment he gave in to joy and let go of the pain, even for a moment, he felt guilty for feeling anything but grief for his wife. Like he was letting her down by being happy.
Sure, he knew he was being ridiculous with his mixed bag of emotions, but there wasn’t a rule book. There wasn’t a guide to any of this. How do you act when you lose the most important person in your life before you get to live out your hopes and dreams? When someone like that dies, part of you dies. It’s like living as half a person.
All of his hopes and dreams included Cassidy. Without her, they were nothing. Right? That’s how it felt when you didn’t know life any other way but with the person you lost. Now he’d passed on all of those questions and pain to their daughter because he didn’t know how to be a father if he wasn’t a husband too. Cassidy was their whole life, and she was gone. There was no filling that void. Life just stood still.
“Oh Cass…what am I doing?” he said out loud as he often did. “It’s been seven years, and I still don’t know what to do without you. It all still feels like…yesterday.”
He dropped his foot from the ledge and stood with his hands in his pockets, smiling as he watched the river. “Reagan is amazing. She’s growing so fast, too fast.” He laughed.
“You probably know that though, right?” He looked to the sky, leaning against the railing. “You’re up there watching, right? Yeah, you are. I feel you around us. You see her…us.”
“She really is the spitting image of my sister. She has Carigan’s fire and stubbornness; she’s such a redhead.” He shook his head and laughed. “Ragin’ Reagan. I don’t think she’ll ever outgrow that.”
“She has your sass, though. Sassy Cassy.” He watched the ground, his foot rolling over a small rock as he continued on. “She has your grace and kindness too. She’s an old soul who loves hard…just like you.”
He took a deep breath, and looked out to the river again. “Until today. I’m messing up. I’m doing this all wrong, Cass. Reagan’s had too much of me and not enough of you, and I’m so bad at this.”
“Hart died today, out of the blue. I’m actually going to miss him and his cold wet nose nudging my ankles, begging for food.” He laughed at the memory. “I know it’s just a pig, but he was her comfort when you…left. He kept a smile on her face when I couldn’t. He helped her miss you better and with less tears when I…couldn’t.”
“I still can’t. I don’t know what I’m doing, except ruining every bit of good you left her. She doesn’t want to love anything; that’s what I’ve taught her.” There was anger in his words, anger at himself. “She said the words, Cass, she said I don’t love anymore, and she isn’t wrong. I love her. I love the boys, even though they’re hard to love sometimes – and Ma and Da too of course.”
He paused as if he wasn’t sure what he was leading up to. “It’s like everything after you – there’s no room for it. Nobody can come in. My heart…it’s too full and empty, all at the same time. Like I can’t just love. I’m afraid to because the hurt gets easier, but the ache never leaves, Cass. It never leaves.”
“There’s this guilt too. I can’t really explain it, but every time I think I need to move on, find happiness…or smile even – I remember. I remember that you’re gone, and it isn’t fair that you’re gone. You don’t get to be happy…or smile.”
“I don’t like feeling so distant from Reagan. God, there’s days I miss her even after we were together all day. Doesn’t it make it easier for her though? Easier for her if I am distant and something happens? I’m home more, take less risks, but tomorrow isn’t promised no matter how careful you are, and there’s always life’s what if’s. She’s hurt enough to last a lifetime, and I don’t want her to ever hurt over me if…well, you know.”
“Jesus, I’m bad at this. You were great at it. I don’t know how to do this without you.” He kicked that loose rock around a little more, thinking about what he was saying. “Even gone, you’re better at this. Your letters, they’re everything to her. I never would have thought of that, but you did. You still do everything right with her…even gone.”
“She said she’s starting to forget things – little things. I don’t want her to forget, Cass. She can’t forget you. You need to last her a lifetime. God, I hope there’s enough letters.
He let out a silent sob and wiped a lone tear from his cheek before running his hands through his hair. “What do I do, Cassidy? Help me out here?”
Liam turned back to where he started, foot on the ledge, arms draped over the railing, and he rested his head there and waited for guidance. He was desperate.
“I thought I’d find you up here. You weren’t in the lair, so…” Felicity said from behind him. “You okay?”
She stood next to him, draping her arms over the railing as he had, and waited for him to answer. He finally nodded.
“We uh…found a letter for today. Loss of a pet,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. “Cassidy’s words helped.”
“She always knew what to do and say…to everyone,” he replied softly.
“She really did think of everything.” Felicity smiled. “That was Cass.”
Liam nodded and nearly smiled. “Yeah…it was.”
After a moment of silence between them, Felicity went on. “So, we’re having a little movie night – home movies. I think Reagan’s tears had less to do with Hart and more to do with what he represented…her mom. She said she misses her, forgetting…”
“Yeah, I know,” Liam interrupted, his tone curt. “You guys go ahead.”
“We were thinking of having cake and some of Cass’s favorite things – to help her remember…”
Liam turned to face her, his body leaning against the railing. “Yeah, I get it. Reminders help her remember – got it. I can’t stop remembering so forgive me if I pass.” And he turned away, facing the water again.
“Okay then,” Felicity said, turning to walk away. “You know, Reagan said not to invite you, that it’ll just make you sad, and she can’t fix it. She is trying to take care of you rather than the other way around like it should be.”
Liam’s jaw dropped, stunned by the audacity of her words but more so that they were his daughter’s. He shrugged in defeat, shook his head and stared off.
“I’m glad she can’t see you like this,” Felicity said with disgust.
Liam spun on his heels to face Felicity, his anger obvious. “Reagan sees me like this every day.”
“You’re right, but that�
��s not who I’m talking about,” Felicity deadpanned. “Do you really think Cassidy wanted you to live this way? To sulk and feel sorry for yourself day in and day out…for the rest of your life?”
“Sulk and feel sorry for myself?” Liam raised his voice, angry that Felicity had been so insensitive. “My wife died, Felicity. She died and left me to raise a daughter, a daughter, all by myself. Something I don’t know the first thing about. I don’t know what to do or what to say when all of these things happen to her.”
“You don’t have to know what to say!” Felicity shouted and threw her hands in the air in frustration. “There isn’t a script, Liam. Just listen to your heart and be there for her like everyone else. Like Cassidy did before she even left. She wrote all those letters.” She threw her hands up again. “So many letters. To all of us, but you haven’t read any yours, have you? Because if you had, maybe you’d pull your head out of your uptight ass and live a little!”
“How am I supposed to be there for Reagan and pretend nothing happened when it did?” he argued.
“You’re right. It did happen, and it was awful and unfair, but it happened.” Felicity couldn’t hold back her despair - it was too overwhelming, and she’d held it in for too many years. “Liam, your wife died. She died! Not you! You’re still here, and you’re wasting so much time stuck in your own damn head, feeling sorry for yourself. It’s like you died too.”
“Feeling sorry for myself? You’re right! My wife died!” he fired back, trying to excuse all of his behaviors. “She left me…us. Then, I cheated on her! She wasn’t gone but a handful of months and I…we...” Liam looked away. He couldn’t look Felicity in the eye. “I did that…to my dead wife…because I felt sorry for myself. Now I live with that every single day.”
“Liam.”
“Then I have this girl. This angel of a girl, and all I see is her mother in her. She’s all I have left of her, and I’m ruining that too,” he continued, finally speaking his truth. Or what he thought to be his truth. “You’re right about everything, Felicity. It’s like I died too because from the minute she was gone, I’ve not known who I was or who I am supposed to be. It was always us. The first thing I do as just me – is a night of…of…what you and I did! That’s who I am without her?”
A long pause stood between them while Felicity regained her composure. “No, Liam, that’s not who you are. We all lost someone we loved the day Cassidy died. The difference is we all choose to live, not hide. You refuse to live. That’s who you are.”
Felicity turned and walked away. She didn’t look back because she didn’t want to see what her words did to him. More than that, she didn’t want him to see what they did to her.
CHAPTER 14
Dearest Reagan,
I’m so sorry for your loss, sweet girl. Our pets are like family or a best friend. We nurture them, love on them, protect them, and lean on them. Losing a pet is like losing a small part of your heart, honey. I’m sure you loved your pal immensely because you don’t know how to love any way other than big. And I’m sure your special loved one loved you back just as much because it’s impossible not to love you until it hurts.
There isn’t an easy way around the pain you’re feeling, other than to just feel it. Feel every bit of it because each ache is attached to a wonderful memory. Remind yourself of those wonderful memories. It sounds silly, but it will help you heal because the more you focus on the good things, the more you’ll rejoice in them and see just how much those lovely memories outweigh the pain you’re feeling right now. It doesn’t make sense now, but one day, it will.
Your heart is hurting, and it’s hard to say goodbye, but always remember there is purpose in all things – even loss. It may make you think of me, and selfishly, I hope that it does because then you’ll remember the hugs, and kisses that I would have showered you with today.
It’s okay to cry, honey, but be brave too. Give yourself the time you need to be sad, but only as long as you don’t forget the joy too. Be happy again, my sweet girl. Know that I’m always with you, and love you bigger than the sky, baby girl.
Forgive daddy if he acts a little silly over this – boys just deal with these things differently than we do. He might stumble over his words and say the wrong thing, but only because he loves you so much that the right words are hard to find. Lean on each other, honey. I’m sure it’s a sad day for daddy too – mostly because he loves you so much it hurts to see you sad.
I love you…
Always and Forever,
Mama
CHAPTER 15
It wasn’t long before Liam left the rooftop and made his way back downstairs to his apartment. When he walked in through the front door, he heard giggles coming from the living room – Felicity and Reagan. It was far too much for him to deal with in the moment. He was still reeling from the ass chewing Felicity had handed him.
Standing in the middle of his bedroom, he looked around and realized nothing had changed since his wife passed. Everything was exactly as she had left it. Why hadn’t he changed it? It was like an odd tribute to her, a museum of memories. This really is unhealthy, he thought.
He saw Cassidy in every inch of the space, but the bed – that’s where he saw Felicity, and it pained him with guilt. That night came flooding back to him as he thought about Felicity’s words on the rooftop. Cassidy had been gone for what felt like a minute but was really months and months past. Reagan had fallen ill – very ill – and he was dealing with it for the first time as a single parent.
He was frightened, afraid to lose her too, and it left him feeling vulnerable and broken. When her fever finally broke, and things started looking up, Liam broke down. It was another one of the many firsts – first Christmas without his wife, first round of birthdays without her, Reagan losing her first tooth, and first major illness without her. Sounded strange, even to him, but having to deal with even the simplest of things for the first time, alone, took its toll. Reagan’s illness affected him, more so than most other things, because it had a potentially devastating outcome.
He looked to the balcony off his bedroom and remembered standing out there twenty something floors above the city, losing his shit. Felicity found him there and consoled him as she often did. She was so good to them – to all of them, even Cassidy before she passed. Liam and Felicity had grieved together. He lost his wife. She lost her best friend. They had become like sisters. But, like Felicity said, an hour or so earlier on the rooftop, she eventually chose to go on living like everyone else in their life had. Liam chose to stand still in the storm, numb, frozen in place for roughly seven years.
Cassidy had been gone just over a year that night on the balcony. There had been a shift in the air. A sudden sense of desire that had never provoked them before engulfed them. Something sparked, it was like they each had something the other desperately needed to feel, and maybe even heal.
They acted on it with reckless abandon. What started as a night of emotional chaos ended as a night of libidinous passion. They spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, trying to satisfy an insatiable craving. It was raw – it was all consuming – it was beautiful.
Everything felt right until he woke and saw his wife’s picture and realized what he had done in her home, her room, her bed. The guilt consumed him. He’d betrayed his wife. How could he have done that to her, replaced her so quickly? He had a responsibility to his wife – to raise their daughter, not look for love or even just sex.
It hadn’t been just sex with Felicity though. Maybe that it was more was what scared him the most, he thought. She wasn’t the kind of girl you have a one-night stand with. She was the kind of girl you loved and built a beautiful life with. She deserved that, at the very least.
Felicity was in his head. Everything she had said on the rooftop just played over and over. Would Cassidy be disappointed in how he was behaving? Probably, but he didn’t know any other way to live, especially after living this way for so long. Maybe he did need to move on, leave
the guilt behind. It didn’t have to mean he was leaving Cass behind, he told himself, did it?
Wandering thoughts landed on Cassidy and what she would have wanted for him. He knew what she wanted, at the very least, because she had told him before she left them. She wanted him to be happy, didn’t want him to spend his life alone. It wasn’t obvious to him then because his loyalty to his wife clouded his thoughts and cloaked his heart. She wanted him to find love again.
Battling between heart and mind, he negotiated the reasons moving on was damaging as much as fruitful. Loving meant losing. That possibility was always going to be there, and he’d lost enough in his life and had plenty of people to worry about already. It was a gamble and not one he was sure he could make. Or could he?
Liam went to his closet, reached for a box on a high shelf, and took it back to his bed. He sat down, facing the French doors that led to the balcony, watching the city in the distance while the box sat next to him. Felicity’s words were flooding his mind – the letters. He asked Cassidy to help him. Was this the help he needed? The letters?
With a deep breath, he removed the lid of the box and pulled out a scrap book that looked much like Reagan’s. He sat there briefly, his hand flat on the cover, preparing himself for what he would find inside. When he opened the cover, the first thing he saw was a candid picture of Cassidy and him that he didn’t even remember taking. Her handwriting below shook him to the core, and he abruptly closed the book, and closed his eyes, begging, pleading to keep it together.
It was time to move forward, whatever that meant, and he knew this scrapbook was the first step. With shaking hands, he opened the scrapbook once more, his breathing slightly labored, and dragged his fingers over the words she wrote.
For Liam…
My forever friend – my forever companion – my forever love
Brother's Keeper II_Liam Page 13
