by Emelia Blair
I try not to dwell on it too much but it’s hard not to at times when he lounges in one of the booths, working with his earpiece in. With a sharp look in his eyes, his mouth moving softly as he speaks to someone on the other end of the line or as his fingers move across his sleek looking laptop.
Finn’s never once brought up where this thing between us is going. I have to wonder though, if I’m just a fling to him. The thought hurts more than it should. So much for never letting a man trap me.
I never thought I would be reduced to this, my heart getting entangled in what should have remained a brief fling with a sexy man. But the more time I spend with him, the more helplessly lost I feel. Drowning in this turbulent sea of emotions, wanting some confirmation that I won’t be abandoned and yet, too scared to ask for it.
The very idea of me, the woman who’s always been so bold and vocal in what she wants, is scared of asking a simple question. It is preposterous. And yet, Finn has managed to tear down every wall I have ever built and has arrogantly taken residence in my heart.
Stupid Irishman with his stupid smile!
He says he won’t hurt me but hasn’t he already set me up for exactly that?
I watch him from the corner of my eye as the front door opens and Lucia barges in. “Clara, do you have the leftover decorations in your office?”
I immediately jump to my feet and block the entrance to my office, my eyes narrowing on my friend. “I don’t think so.”
Lucia gives me a calculating look. “Come on. You don’t need those.”
“I might. This is a competition. Stop stealing my decorations.”
Lucia tries to dodge me, only to get blocked each time.
“It’s only a few wreaths. You already have like five million hanging around here!”
People around us are chuckling and one of them calls out, “You do this every year, Lucia. Give up. Clara takes these things very seriously.”
Lucia pouts. “Just you wait. I’ll get those wreaths. Even if I have to break in…in the middle of the night.”
Finn, who’s now watching us with renewed interest, glances at me.
I don’t remove my eyes from my friend as I state, “Finn, we’re sleeping here tonight.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” he replies, dutifully.
I smile, maliciously at Lucia. “I’d like to see you try and get in here.”
My friend mutters something nasty under her breath as she huffs.
Danny, who’s just walked in, studies us> “What’s going on?”
“Clara refuses to share her decorations,” Lucia immediately latches on to him for backup support.
Danny smirks. “That’s because you never return them.”
They erupt into a heated argument.
Finn sidles over while watching them. “What’s going on?”
I’m silent for a few seconds before I say, grimly, “We need to get more stuff. Danny looked way too pleased when he walked in here. This place needs to sparkle like a goddamn unicorn.”
Tension is taunt in the diner and Lucia sits down at the counter, muttering something about how she needs better friends.
I ignore her and hand Danny the menu. “Where’s Ben?”
My friend grins. “With Sharon. She’s helping him out with his holiday homework. He’s taken a real liking to her.”
“That’s because she feeds him cookies,” Lucia pointed out. “She probably feels threatened by Clara.”
“By me?” I echo as I brew up a Flat White for her. “What did I ever do to her?”
Finn is now paying attention to the conversation.
Lucia shrugs. “With Ben campaigning to get you to marry his brother, why wouldn’t she be?”
I make a face and steal a look an uneasy look in Finn’s direction whose face is now carefully blank. “It’s just a joke. Besides, Danny has a hard thing going on for Sharon. She’s the only one who can keep him in line.”
Danny, tactless moron that he is, snickers. “Nah. He overheard me and you talking about our contingency plan last year and he decided to make it happen.”
“Contingency plan?” Finn asks in a silky voice that screams danger.
I glare at Danny. “It’s noth—”
“We decided that if we’re both single by thirty five, we’ll get married.”
Finn’s jaw tightens.
Lucia frowns. “How come I don’t have a pact like that? I don’t want to be single when I’m thirty five.”
“Sorry.” Danny shrugs. “I’m already taken.” To add fuel to the fire, he winks at me.
Is he really this dense? Can he really not see the way Finn is watching him?
Lucia gives me a devastated look. “Wait, so I’m going to die alone?”
“It’s just a joke.” I let out a strained laugh, very aware of the way my lover hasn’t removed his eyes from Danny.
“I don’t care.” She looks around the diner. “Somebody needs to promise themselves to me right now!”
Jerry doesn’t look up from his puzzle book and pie as he lifts his fork in the air.
Lucia gives him a scornful look. “You’re already married, and you could drop dead any day now by how much desserts you swindle out of Clara.”
Jerry narrows his eyes in her direction. “I was going to set you up with Reggie, my nephew who’s coming into town tomorrow. But hey, if you don’t want to—?”
Lucia is on her feet. “I want to! Let’s do this!”
Jerry sniffs as if he’s been vindicated.
I leave them to their negotiation, turning my attention towards Danny. “So, Ben’s getting along with Sharon then?”
“Yeah. She’s thrilled about it. So much so that she insisted we take him with us tonight for the Christmas market. It was supposed to be a date.” He looks a little put off.
“Isn’t she hosting a party on Saturday?” I ask, putting a coffee before him.
He nods. “I heard she asked you to cater it. What are you making?”
“Mini pizzas, sandwiches, some potato stuffed pastries. She’s making all the desserts; she just wanted a few savories.”
“Cool. Need a hand?”
I stare at him, blankly. “A hand? Stacy- Oh, shit!” Stacy was going out of town for three days this weekend. How could I forget that? “Well, crap,” I groan out loud, covering my face with my hands.
“I can help out.” Danny grabs the sugar container and starts shoveling it into his coffee.
Finn is being oddly silent.
I glance towards him.
He has a considering look on his face as he stares at Danny, a gleam in his eyes.
I study him, warily, before turning to my friend. “I’ll try to get myself organized before that. But I might end up asking you to—”
“I’ll help out,” Finn suddenly comes back to life and his voice cuts smoothly into my sentence.
Danny gives him a doubtful look. “You sure, pal? Have you ever worked under Clara before? She can be a real—” He turns towards me when I pick up a knife from the rack, and gives me a hasty smile, “Charming person. I love helping you out, babe.”
I wipe the knife and put it back with the rest, my point made.
There’s a trace of vague annoyance in Finn’s eyes and usually the easy going Irishman gets along with Danny quite well ‒ they’re almost friends, dare I say ‒ but right now as he looks at him, it’s like he’s looking at a bug he wants to crush under his shoe.
That cold look makes a shiver crawl down my spine. I have never seen this particular look on Finn’s face before.
It’s almost like he’s jealous.
But why would he be jealous of Danny?
Despite our somewhat romantic entanglement, there wasn’t truly any romance when it came to Danny and I. A few dinners, some dates, falling into bed on occasion. He never pursued me with the single minded focus that he’s dedicated towards Sharon. And honestly, although I’ll never admit this to the arrogant man who’s watching my friend with such a dark face, I feel t
hat Finn has ruined me for other men. This may be due the fact that he screwed my brains out on his bedroom floor this morning talking, but the way he treats me, the way he sweeps me off my feet. And the reason it gets me so flustered is because I’ve never really seen myself as someone who could be swept off anything, much less my feet. I’ve always been practical, grounded, my feet so firmly on the ground that even budging me is a problem.
No other man has managed to sway me. I would like their looks, I would date them. We would have good chemistry, we fall into bed to have a short and brief fling after which we walk away with no hard feelings. But I don’t think I’ll be able to walk away with my heart still intact, this time. Finn has thoroughly penetrated through the every defense I have ever built and now it feels like he’s ravaging me bare.
I scowl.
What does he have to be jealous about?
I reach out and flick him on the side of his head, snapping, “Behave.”
He gives me a wounded look. “What did I do?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You know what you did.”
He scoffs, “I can help you just fine. You don’t need anyone else.”
I stare at him. “It’s a little hard to do anything with you around. Remember, when we were trying to finish up the Christmas decorations?”
A smug look creeps across his face and his voice is husky as he meets my eyes, “Yeah.”
A slow flush along my cheeks makes me avert my eyes. “Yes, well. So, I’d rather work with Dann—”
“I’ll be a perfect gentleman,” he cuts in.
I have to refrain my snorting. Any time it’s the two of us alone, he’s on me, seducing me out of my clothes with such practiced ease that it’s too late by the time I figure out what’s happening.
He sees me wavering and presses, “On my honor!”
I blink at him, wavering. “I don’t know what that means but it sounds important.” I glance at Danny, regretfully. “Besides, I think you’ll have to help Sharon set up that day.”
My friend sighs. “Oh, yeah. I promised her I’d do that.” With a sudden grin, he leans over and slaps Finn on the back. “Guess I’ll leave Clara in your capable hands.”
As Stacy brings his order, he asks me, “You sure you’re not coming to the party?”
I shake my head, a tight smile on my lips. “I’d much rather be alone. You know how it is.”
Danny looks a little regretful. “All right then.”
I don’t pay much attention to him as he engages the curious Finn in some conversation. I glance at the calendar and my heart sinks slightly. If I didn’t need the help, I’d rather not even see Finn.
I always spend my parent’s death anniversary alone, usually drunk, in my room. It’s something that my aunts heavily disapprove of but I can’t share that one day with them or anyone. It’s the one day a year, I allow myself to break and shatter completely. Then once the night is over, I pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together with care so no one can see the cracks that still remain.
I wipe down the counter, idly, a thrum of grief resounding inside of me as I remember the last words I said to them, the last words they screamed at me. The way my mother forced me back into the seat with her arm at a painful angle as she saw her oncoming death in the blinding lights of the truck. The way my father managed to drag me out of the car, clinging on to his last breath, just so I could survive.
My eyes burn and I swallow, painfully, feeling the tightness in my chest. That night is still so crystal clear in my memories, each breath each word, each scent. Sometimes, it’s overwhelming and I wish that I could forget that cold December night when Dad had bundled us all in the car so we could stay with his sisters for the Christmas holidays.
That Christmas had been tainted with tears and a dull acceptance that my mother would never tuck me in bed again or sing to me. My father would never grab me out of nowhere and tickle me till I ran out of breath.
The first week of December is usually hard for me, even all these years later. This time, Finn’s presence has been a major distraction but as the end of the first week draws near, I want to retreat into myself and spend some time with the memories of the parents that I haven’t seen in years.
“Clara?”
Finn’s voice breaks through my thoughts and I look up, dazed.
The frown in his eyes is replaced by worry. “Darlin’, why’re you—?”
I blink and hurriedly wipe my eyes, forcing my lips into a smile “Must be allergies.” I turn away from him to put some beans in the coffee grinder, not wanting him to see me like this, “I’ve been sniffling all morning.”
His voice is quiet, as he states, “No, you haven’t.”
I open my mouth and then snap it shut, trying to think of a way to change the subject, and then I remember something. “Oh, Aunt Vee said there was a call for you this morning, from a realtor. He seemed to be in a hurry.”
Finn goes silent.
Curiosity has me turning around to study him. “What did he want?”
He just gives me a smile. “Nothing of import.”
I give him a long look but he just smiles back, in that irritating way of his that says I can’t pry anything from him no matter how much I try.
“Are we going to the Christmas market today?” He reaches out and plays with my shirt sleeve.
He does this a lot, grabbing an end of my clothes or my hair and playing with it. I can’t even tell him off for it because I secretly like it. There are a lot of things that Finn does that I’m starting to discover that I like. “I’m closing up early so yeah. Did you want to do some shopping?” I take a sip from my coffee mug.
He shakes his head. “Nothing in particular. I just wanted to visit one with you. It’s supposed to be romantic.” He drinks out of my mug.
Danny makes a gagging sound. “You two make me sick.”
“Oh, shut up,” I say, pleasantly.
Nick, who’s just walked in, demands, “Three coffees to go, Clara.”
I nod and start preparing them as I eye his getup. “Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”
He sinks into the seat beside Danny and says, mournfully, “I was supposed to be but the house down the street from your place got sold and the new owner wants to move in immediately after Christmas. The place is in desperate need of repairs.”
This news makes me blink.
Even Danny looks surprised. “The old Hamilton place? Who bought it?”
Nick’s arms are stretched out on the counter, his cheek resting on the cold surface. “Beats me. But I was paid a hefty sum along with a call from some woman who ordered me to fix everything up. I don’t even know how she knew who I was. I asked Mayor Roger and he was just as surprised.” He looks worn out as he goes on, “Anyway, I’ve been working nonstop. That place is a death trap waiting to happen. Nearly everything needs to be replaced. Thankfully, the flooring is fine but the electricity wires need to be fixed, the bathroom taps are all broken. The kitchen needs to be redone. New furniture. I can’t even go on.”
“That kind of sounds like a job for an interior designer,” I say, doubtfully. “You’re one person.”
He gives me a sad look. “Who do you think the coffee is for? There are two other people there aside from me. There’s a guy who is redoing the whole place and he’s bringing in the furniture tomorrow. I swear…” He grunts. “If I wasn’t being paid three times what I usually charge, I wouldn’t even consider doing this.”
I put down the coffees in a holder and an extra bag. “Here. Some desserts on the house. We’re going to close soon, so you might as well take them.”
Danny looks affronted. “Hey. I work hard, too! Where’s my free dessert?”
I show him the finger.
He scowls just as his food comes out from the kitchen, muttering, “At least when we were dating, I got a free slice of pie every now and then.”
“Ignore him,” I tell Finn who’s now staring at my friend as if considering whether h
e should be worried about a new rival.
I watch Nick go, and I nudge Danny. “How come you didn’t know about this? You and Lucia know all the gossip around here.”
He glances towards Nick’s retreating back. “I had no idea that the place was even up for sale. Mrs. Hamilton’s grandson lives somewhere in Europe. I’d heard that he intended to move back here after a few years. I’m just as surprised.”
I glance at the wall clock and wonder who our new neighbors will be.
And as always, my Irishman tugs on my hair to get my attention and I find myself relenting.
Finn’s excitement at finally visiting a Christmas Market is unparalleled. He’s like a child who’s just discovered a candy store and has too much money to spend.
It amazes me how easily he can express himself while I still struggle sometimes. It’s like he wears his heart on his sleeve and yet, even while he’s all carefree and smiling, I know it takes an instant for him to go from calm and relaxed to a sharp eyed predatory wolf. I watch him play a game at a stall in order to win the big basket of chocolates that’s the centerpiece, and a rush of something warm fills me, watching thee glee on his face as he pops the inflated Santa balloons with the darts.
I like watching him. I enjoy seeing him happy and in this moment, he does seem like he’s having the time of his life. My heart stutters when I imagine him leaving. It’s like my entire life has been flooded with loud radiant colors and it’s all going to be snatched away from me soon.
I’m a coward, I muse to myself. If I had an ounce of courage, I would sit him and down and ask him if this is all he’s going to give me. I don’t want to be greedy but when it comes to him, I can’t help myself. I want it all with him, his laughter, his sly smiles when he’s about to do something that he knows is going to piss me off. I even want the subtle grief in his eyes when he talks about his past, the dark look of hunger in his eyes when he’s got me cornered and he’s about to devour me. I don’t know what I’ll miss more when he leaves and my heart constricts as I shove my gloved hands in my jacket pockets and watch him.
