by Mercy Amare
“I go home once a month, but they come up for lunch every other week. They like to check up on me. I also talk to them everyday.”
He looked a little sad. “I don't get to see my family much while I'm here. I can't really afford to drive home.”
I could relate to him. Before I was adopted, food stamps were the only reason I got to eat, and even then I sometimes went days without food. I often wore donated clothing, or I got them from Goodwill. I didn't even consider college as an option for me until Steve and Emily.
“Any siblings?” he asked.
I shook my head. Thank God my real mom didn't have another child. I'd hate for somebody else to have gone through what I have. I always wondered why Steve and Emily didn't have another kid, but I figured I was probably enough for them.
AIDEN
Roxy was very hard to talk to. Not that I wasn't trying, I was... She was just very quiet and seemed to shy away from the topic of herself. There was so much I wanted to know about her, so much that she was scared to say... Who caused the pain in her eyes? Even when she smiled, which wasn't often, I could tell that it was forced. It hurt to see somebody try so hard at living.
She kept asking me lots of questions, and I answered them gladly. I told her about my family. She looked excited when I told her about Aaron and Grace. I could imagine that being an only child would be lonely. My brother and sister definitely made my life more interesting.
“I'm sorry you don't get to see them often,” she said, her voice was soft, and I could tell that she was genuinely sad for me. I knew that she would make an excellent social worker. She had so much compassion.
“Sometimes in life you have to be away from those you love,” I smiled. “I miss them like crazy, but it'll all be worth it.”
I couldn't wait until I graduated, got a good job, and moved my mom and siblings out of that tiny trailer. My mom was literally working herself to death, and I couldn't have that. Maybe once I got a job, she could even go back to school and get her GED.
“It must be nice to have such a close family. I can't say that I've ever missed somebody before.”
She was distant as she talked, and I could tell that she was lying. Who did she miss? A boyfriend, maybe? The thought of her having a boyfriend instantly made me jealous.
Surprised by my thoughts, I almost choked on my coffee.
“So what do you do for fun?” she asked.
“Between school and football, there isn't a lot of time for fun,” I answered honestly.
“There has to be something you do besides school work and football,” she pushed the conversation forward, but still, she was trying way too hard. I wondered for a moment if she had any friends. Nobody should have to work this hard to have a normal conversation. “What do you do to unwind?”
I thought for a minute. “Well, I talk to Aaron every night. That's pretty much the highlight of my day. I also like the quiet time I get on the roof. I go up there often.”
“Me too. It's so peaceful up there. Sometimes at night, I go up there and just lay on the roof, staring at the stars.” Roxy's words were so deep, and her eyes were full of emotion. I knew then that she was a very passionate person.
“I'll have to check out the stars sometime,” I said, longing to see them. “I'm surprised I haven't seen you there before. I didn't think anybody else even knew how to get up there.”
“Well, I like to be alone, and my roommate always has her boyfriend over. I go up there to get away from them.” She blushed, and I decided it was a good look for her.
I laughed, because I could totally relate to her. “My roommate likes to have visitors too.”
She shrugged. “It's kind of annoying. I've never had a visitor, so I just assumed she would be courteous and kick him out every once in awhile.”
“You've never had a visitor?”
Her face once again turned red. “Well... No.” She looked at the time on her phone. “I really need to go. I have an... appointment.”
“I didn't mean to make you run off. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” I apologized, but I was thinking, please, don't go.
She shook her head. “It's not you... I promise... I do have an appointment, and I can't be late.”
I looked at the time and realized I was late for football practice. I wanted to protest, but the coach was going to be furious, so I let her go. “Goodbye, Roxy.”
“Bye,” she waved as she quickly headed for the door.
I ran to football practice. I ended up only being 5 minutes late, but the coach still made me run 10 laps. It was worth it.
ROXY
I walked into Dr. Lewis' office exactly 10 minutes late. I felt panicked. I absolutely hated being rushed, and when I ran late that was exactly how I felt. I rubbed my arms as I ran into her office. I desperately needed a pen. I wanted to write on my arms so bad.
“Sorry,” I said, sitting on the couch. “I lost track of time.”
Dr. Lewis looked at me, and actually smiled. I was never late. Ever. “How did the challenge go?”
I could feel the heat rush to my face. “It went fine,” I said quickly, wishing that she wouldn't want to talk more about it, but I knew she would. She was my therapist for goodness sakes, it was her job to make me talk about it.
“Tell me about this person who has you so... flustered,” she smiled even bigger.
Ugh, this sucks. “I'm not flustered because of him. I just... I was running late, so I ran...” I stuttered off my lame excuse, but the truth was, Aiden did have me flustered. I wanted to forget about the blonde haired, blue eyed boy, but I knew it would be an impossibility. “Anyway... My challenge was fine. I mean, I hated it, but I guess it wasn't so bad.” Once I realized what I said, I knew that it made absolutely no sense.
“How did you meet him?” She asked.
So, I spilled. I went through the whole story, starting with how I was freaking out in the coffee shop, and how I went to the roof to play, and how he came out there and started talking to me. I told her about our conversation, and what I learned about him. I also told her that I told him a little about me. I was actually surprised when the session was wrapping up.
“Ready for your next challenge?”
I groaned. No, I wasn't ready. “Sure.”
“Talk to Aiden again.”
I shook my head. That was the absolute last thing that I wanted. A guy like Aiden would have no problem working his way into my heart, and I couldn't have that. “No. I can't. I mean... I probably won't even see him again.”
“Then find him.”
Dr. Lewis' words haunted me all night long, and I found it incredibly hard to sleep. How was I supposed to find Aiden? Should I just hang out on the roof until he shows up? Or should I go look for him? No, looking for him felt a little stalker-like... By around midnight, I decided that if I happened to run into him, I would talk to him, but if not, I wasn't going to go looking for him. If it was meant to be, it would happen.
I tossed and turned until around 2am, when my roommate and her boyfriend came into the dorm. I was more than a little grossed out. I guess they thought I was asleep. I pulled the cover over my head so I wouldn't see anything. I knew I should probably talk to her about him coming so often, but avoiding confrontation seemed like a better idea to me. Thankfully, it didn't take them very long. As soon as the noise stopped, and I heard them start snoring, I snuck out of my room and went back up to the roof. I was feeling a little nauseous about what just happened.
I breathed in the fresh air. Most people consider Auburn, Alabama a city, but to me, it was a very small town. The population was just under 60,000, which was considerably less than Chicago. The air here felt different. It smelled so unpolluted... fresh. It was easy to breathe, and I liked it.
As I looked up at the stars, I thought back to my life in Chicago. My life as Emma Bradford... How different I now felt compared to that scared little girl. I wasn't the same person. And I never wanted to be her again. I rubbed the scars on the palms
of my hand. I hated the memories they brought back.
“Emma, grab me my lighter,” my mom said.
She never liked to do anything herself. I was nothing more than a personal slave to her. It was my job as her kid. As always, I did what she said.
“Here you go, momma,” I smiled up at her.
Even now, looking back, I can still remember the look in her eyes. There was nothing there, ever. She was empty... heartless...
She lit her lighter and put it to the palm of my right hand. She did it often, as if reminding me who was boss.
I rubbed the spot where the scar still was, still remembering how it felt to have my skin burned. It hurt for months before I finally got medical attention. I remember I was put into a foster home for a couple weeks before my mom got me back. Why they sent me back to her, I would never understand.
I hated her so fucking much for what she did to me. She made me like this. She messed me up, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So why did I miss her?
I swallowed the knot forming in my throat. I refused to cry for her anymore. The woman didn't deserve my tears. She didn't deserve to be missed, not after what she did.
But I couldn't help it. I sat up on the roof and cried for hours, until I watched the sun rise. After that, I went to my dorm room to get ready for class. Before leaving my room, I wrote on my arm, I am Roxy Gibson, and I am a survivor. I will not let my past control me.
THREE
AIDEN
When I walked into the campus coffee shop on Tuesday, I was surprised to see Roxy was sitting at an empty booth near the door.
“Roxy!”
She jumped when she heard my voice, but then smiled up at me. “Hey, Aiden.” She looked very tired. She closed her college algebra book as I sat down in front of her.
“How are you doing?” I asked her, concerned. “You look tired.”
“I didn't sleep much. My roommate brought her boyfriend to the dorm again last night.” She looked a little green as she talked. “So I stayed on the roof.”
Poor girl. “Any time you need to sleep, my dorm is open. Gary never let's girls actually stay all night.”
She looked speechless for a minute. Finally, she said, “Thanks.” She said it so quietly, I almost didn't hear her.
“Are you coming to the game Friday night?” I asked.
She nodded. “My dad comes to every game, so I'm forced to. He loves college football. Especially Auburn.” By the look on her face, I could tell she definitely wasn't a fan of college football.
“Your dad sounds awesome.”
Her face lit up a little. “Yeah, he's pretty amazing. He's my hero.” She paused before asking, “Will your dad be here?”
I felt an all too familiar pain in my chest. I shook my head. “My dad died 4 years ago.”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” she immediately apologized.
“It's fine,” I said, though it wasn't the truth. Even though my dad was a deadbeat, alcoholic who couldn't hold down a job, I still loved him. He was my dad.
“It's ok to be sad sometimes.” When she said it, I could tell being sad was something she was familiar with.
I looked down at her arm, and she rubbed her hand over the words. “Why do you write on your arm?”
She shrugged, and I could tell she wasn't willing to answer my question. She simply said, “Like I said, sometimes its ok to be sad.”
“Why are you sad?”
She looked me in the eyes for a minute, and my breath caught in my throat. There was so much emotion in them, and not just pain. God, she was beautiful. Finally she spoke, breaking my trance. “It's a long story.”
“I've got time.” I didn't. I had class in 5 minutes, but I would miss it to talk to her.
She shook her head. “My story would give you nightmares.” Her tone was very serious, and I knew with every ounce of my being that she was being completely honest. She stood up. “I have class in like 5 minutes. I need to go.”
“Meet me on the roof tonight? 10 o'clock?” I asked, hopeful.
“Ok,” she agreed.
I ran to my next class and made it 2 minutes late. My professor was late too, so it wasn't a big deal. During class, I found it very hard to concentrate. What was going on between Roxy and me? And why did I need to be around her so much?
I loved how I felt when I was with her... I felt complete. Which sounded completely cheesy and stupid, but it was the truth. It was like all my life a part of me had been missing and she was that part. I'm not saying I'm in love with her, or that I'm going to marry her... But she was brought into my life for a reason.
It killed me to see the pain in Roxy's eyes. Was her life bad enough to be considered a horror story? The look in her eyes told me yes, it was.
I wanted to make it better.
ROXY
I told myself I was only meeting Aiden because of Dr. Lewis' challenge, but truthfully, I wanted to see him again, even though I knew better. I knew that it was dangerous and stupid to let somebody in, even if only for a little bit, but I wanted to be his friend. I liked Aiden. He didn't push me for answers. He let me be myself. I almost felt normal when I was with him. And normal is what I've wanted for so long.
My phone rang disrupting my thoughts. It was Emily.
“Hey,” I answered the phone.
“Hey, Roxy. How are you doing?” she asked, concerned as always. She worried about me so much, not that I could blame her.
“I'm fine,” I said the same answer that I always say.
“I was thinking I could come up with Steve on Friday. Maybe we could make a day of it? We could go shopping, go out to eat lunch...” Emily was excited as she talked. It had almost been 2 weeks since I had seen them, and she always got anxious when she was away from me too long. I had to admit, I was looking forward to seeing them.
“Sure, that sounds great,” I said. I only had one class on Friday, and it was an 8am class, so I would have the whole day free.
“Awesome. I cannot wait,” she said, even more excited that I accepted. I usually said no to shopping... Wow, I truly was an awful daughter to her. I felt bad. Emily has been nothing but an awesome mother.
I looked at the clock on my laptop. It was almost 10 o'clock. “Oh, I have to go. I'm meeting a friend in like 5 minutes.”
“A friend?” I could hear her smile through the phone. “Have fun! I love you.”
“Bye.” I hung up the phone, stole a quick glance in the mirror, and headed up to the roof. I used to go to the roof for solitude, and now I was going up there for company. It was kind of funny how things had changed.
When I got up there, Aiden was waiting for me. His face lit up when he saw me, and his smile was very contagious.
“Hey,” he said, a little breathless.
“Hey,” I repeated. “So how was your day?”
Ok, so maybe my question was lame, but I wasn't used to making conversation with people aside from my parents and therapist. I was new to this whole “friends” thing, if that's what he is. Do I know him well enough to consider him a friend?
“It was extremely long,” he answered easily. “Hanging out with you is the highlight of my day. Is that lame?”
I laughed. “Not lame. I would actually agree with you.” I paused before adding, “I don't have a lot of friends.” Or any, actually, I added silently.
“I don't really either. I mean, I have friends that I play football with, and I'm friends with my roommate, but it's not the same,” he said. “I like you, Roxy. You're... different.”
The conversation had turned to me, which made me feel awkward, so I changed the subject. “Both my mom and dad are coming on Friday. It's been almost 2 weeks since they've seen me, which is some sort of record, so they're going to spend all day here.”
“Can I meet them?” he asked suddenly.
At first, I thought his question was weird. But then I thought about how happy Steve and Emily would be to see that I had made a friend, so I agreed. It was a great idea. “Yeah! You sho
uld come eat lunch with us. Steve will talk football with you the whole time, but they'll like you.”
“I actually just meant meet them at the game...” he cut off. “But going to lunch sounds fun too.”
I felt my face flush. “You don't have to. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have expected that of you. It's just I'm new at this...”
He cut me off. “I'd love to eat lunch with your family.”
I sighed. “Ok, but it's fine if you change your mind. My family can be overzealous when it comes to me. I'll also be sure to tell Steve to try to keep the football talk to a minimum.”
He laughed. “So why do you call your dad Steve?”
The question was normal, but I wasn't expecting it, and I definitely wasn't sure how to answer it. I couldn't avoid it either. I looked nothing like my parents. I have a natural tan year round, dark brown hair, and green eyes. My parents both have pale skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. It's pretty obvious that I'm not their biological child. I figured I should just answer and get it over with. There are lots of adopted children in the world. Nothing strange about that.
“I'm adopted,” I finally answered.
“What happened to your parents?” Another normal question that I wasn't expecting.
“I never knew my dad. I don't even know if he knows I exist.” I paused, looking him in the eyes. “And remember the whole horror story thing I was telling you about?”
He nodded.
“Well, maybe one day I will tell you about my mom, but not now.” Truthfully, I'd probably never tell him about my mom. My story was too dark, too twisted, to tell anybody. He surely wouldn't want to be my friend if I told him the truth. Not that I could blame him.
I could see curiosity in his eyes, but he didn't push. For that I was grateful.
“I should probably go to bed.”
“Can I walk you to your room?” he asked.
I felt overwhelmed by my emotions at that moment. He was offering to walk me to my door. It was such a nice gesture that I wasn't at all expecting. Unable to trust my voice, I nodded.
