The sergeants came to me then, saying, “Commander, shall we lay forward the running spears and sharpen the croves?” and “Shall we dispatch throwers and steppers to eight points or to four?” and “Where do you wish us to deploy nets and spiked traps?” and “Shall we assume a hawk formation, or divide into double wolf-packs, as we like to do against a much larger force?” and many other such questions, which I did not understand and did not care to.
I replied, “Your words mean nothing to me. Simplicity is the mark of tactical excellence. Listen, then, to these simple commands: travel quickly, but not so quickly that you trip and fall. Avoid the enemy, for I do not wish to lose either myrmidons or the wealth they carry. If you come upon an enemy myrmidon by accident, kill him. If the group of enemies you encounter is too large for you to destroy, call others to your aid.”
They complained then that my words were of too general a nature and would not help them set the formation, which is to say, the shape the army adopts while marching.
I thought about this for a few minutes, and I came up with a most ingenious plan. I said, “We will march the army in a straight line, single file. Then, if we are observed from the front, the enemy will underestimate our number, thinking the group to consist of only a few myrmidons. The enemy will either ignore such a force, or will attack recklessly. In either case, the day will be ours. On the other hand, if we are observed from the side, our numbers will appear far greater than they are. The enemy will either flee from such a force, or will attack timidly. In either case, once again, the day will be ours.”
One sergeant said, “If the enemy numbers many thousands, while our numbers are only two hundred, it will make little difference whether they attack recklessly or timidly, for their numbers will speak too heavily in their favour for us to take the battle.”
I said, “Not so. I have a plan to deal with the contingency: if we come close to a powerful enemy, form the army into a great circle, with slaves on the inside, and Behemoths and the strongest myrmidons on the outside, facing outwards. No force, no matter how large, may penetrate such a formation as this, for a circle is the most perfect shape, and its strength and perfection can be proved with mathematics.”
The sergeants were sceptical at my words, but I had stated my wishes and they were duty-bound to obey. We continued marching to the southwest, and, the following night we observed that the campfires to the southeast were closer than they had been. We also observed the campfires from the army to the west, which had not been visible on the previous night. Worse yet, we saw other sets of fires, one further away to the south, and one to the north.
I decided further marching to the southwest would be unwise, since at least three armies would converge upon us in that direction. Instead, I decided to change our heading and march north, to meet head-on the army approaching from there.
We had marched north, in single file, for half a day when a new idea came to me. I reasoned that, by marching to the enemy, we were doing more work than was necessary. If the enemy wished to catch us, why then, let him come to us! Without a moment’s delay (for I am a decisive fellow), I commanded my myrmidons to stop their marching and to form into the defensive circle I had described. We waited in this formation for some hours. I sat in the centre of the circle, where I had a fine meal of several expensive cheeses, and then I had a nap.
One of the cheeses I had eaten was a sheep cheese, so, not surprisingly, while I napped I dreamed of sheep. When I woke, I thought about this dream, and it put me in mind of the story of the Greeks who one night dipped a flock of sheep in tar, then set fire to their fleece to make it appear as if the sheep were a great army. Well, I did not have a flock of sheep, or I might have tried this trick, but then I thought, “Perhaps my enemy is also very cunning, and has used this same trick against me. Perhaps the armies which I think I see ahead of me to the south and southwest and west are merely flocks of sheep, while the army to the north is the real one.” It seemed to me that this might well be the case, and, if it was, I would look a pretty fool sitting here while an army approached.
We quickly set off once more to the southwest, and I left behind a few pieces of firewood and a woollen tunic for my pursuers to find. If they were indeed using burning sheep, and they came across the scraps, they would read it as a message and be disheartened, knowing I had discovered their ploy. On the other hand, if they had not schemed to use burning sheep, the scraps would mean nothing to them, and they would not know I had miscalculated.
As we marched, the armies ahead of us came closer, and I saw they were not sheep but fierce myrmidons. But do not think I was saddened at this sight, for now I saw that my enemies were not so clever as I, for they had not thought to use burning sheep in their attack, whereas I had thought of this clever ruse. My pulse quickened with the excitement of the upcoming battle, and, with every minute that passed, six new ideas and plans entered my head. I quickly relayed these to my myrmidons, and instructed each of them to take their pick of the plans that suited them best. “And if you do not like any of the ones you have heard until now,” I said, “then listen on, for I have many more plans to guide our actions and win the battle.”
The hours passed, and we saw the size of the enemy force was much larger than I had first anticipated, numbering not thousands, but tens of thousands. When they had approached within a mile of us, they stopped and began to spread out, hoping they might terrify us with their numbers and their resolve.
Not to be outdone, I brought my myrmidons to a standstill also, and ordered them into circular formation. We were in an especially boggy place, which seemed to me to be an excellent stroke of good fortune, for I knew it would hamper the enemy as they drew close, whereas my myrmidons, who had merely to stand in one place, would not be affected by it. Further, upon setting up tents in the middle of the circle I discovered the ground was so soft that it made a pleasant bed, as comfortable as the finest mattress, although much wetter.
Now, over the next day or so, the other armies arrived and set up camps in all directions around us, and it was an astonishing sight to be sure. I would say there were fifty thousand myrmidons in all! Certainly, I counted three hundred banners, and their tents were so many that the whole land was made white by the number of them. They assembled war machines too: I saw ballistas, firethrowers, and huge crushing wheels.
The sergeants were alarmed at this sight, and they said, “This force is too great for us to overcome or break through. Should we prepare to fight to the death, or do you plan to surrender?”
I said, “I will tell you when the time comes. There is no reason for you to know this now.”
They complained then, saying, “If we are to die, we wish first to carry out certain rituals which are meaningful to us in times of despair. We would like the time to prepare these ceremonies.”
“Ah, you simple-minded brutes!” I exclaimed. “There are a hundred crafty plans in my head, and with every hour that passes more plans come to me. Believe me, if you obey my orders, victory will certainly be ours.”
They became stroppy then, saying they did not believe me, and pointing out the many superior varieties of myrmidons which could be seen in the enemy camps. They called these species of myrmidon by their own names, saying: “Furthermore, the enemy has several hundred Gurth, and a hundred Illashi,” and so on.
For those who are interested in such matters, my myrmidons were all either Common Wartbacks or Mottled Wartbacks, although when they were in uniform the two types were indistinguishable. My slaves were all Lopers. I do not know the proper designation for my Behemoths, for I have never seen their species described in any literature. They resembled Great Grey Turpins but were very much bulkier, yet faster too. The enemy force consisted of, I would say, two thirds Wartbacks, plus an assortment of Blue Turpins, Great Grey Turpins, Ridgeheads, Giant Dashers, Webs, and various giant types of Soft and Chitinous Spinebacks.
In any case, I said to my
sergeants, “Do you forget our force contains thirty formidable Behemoths, which are more than a match for any enemy myrmidon.”
One of the sergeants said, “They are strong, it is true, but they smell bad, and we do not care for their manners and their foul tempers.”
I replied, “You will like their tempers well enough when it is the enemy they are cross at.”
They had other complaints too, but I would not hear their words, and I ordered the sergeants back to their places in the circle.
A short time afterwards, a slave came to us from the enemy camp carrying a message from Prince Tiaphan. The message asked me if I wished to discuss terms of surrender. I sent an amusing message back. I said I would be happy to accept the prince’s surrender, but he had better be quick about giving it, for I grew weary of waiting in this lonely bog. The joke of this is, in asking to discuss the terms of surrender, the prince meant my surrender to him, and not his surrender to me, but by my reply I indicated that I understood the reverse to be the case, and believed him to be pleading for mercy.
I do not think the prince enjoyed my joke, because some minutes later a great hail of arrows and ballista javelins came flying towards us, and I lost several myrmidons and slaves.
I wished to direct the battle in safety, and I had devised a clever plan to accomplish this. I climbed into a large round iron cooking pot I had selected for its extreme sturdiness and had the Behemoths place it in the branches of a nearby tree. The pot had a lid, which was placed on top, so, by lifting the lid, I might see what was going on in any direction, while remaining safe from arrows and spears. I also had the Behemoths set chains over the top, through the handles on the side of the pot and the handle on the top of the lid, with enough slack that I might lift the lid a small distance, but not so much that an enemy might easily pull the lid away. The chains were held in place by metal loops, which the Behemoths bent around the handles.
Watching from my pot, I saw a group of enemy myrmidons on our north side were advancing. There were three hundred myrmidons, with the most powerful at the head. I called out to my Behemoths then, telling them to bloody the noses of those fine fellows a little. At once, with whoops and screeches, ten of the Behemoths went tearing towards the enemy, leaping and twisting like mad dogs. They ran straight at the centre of the advancing ranks, leaping upon the largest myrmidons with a fury. The enemy surrounded them at once, but the Behemoths were tremendously fast and strong, and their hides were very tough, so it was difficult for the enemy’s spears to poke them.
After they had wreaked havoc in the enemy ranks for some minutes, the Behemoths returned at a run, hardly any the worse for their adventures, aside from a few small cuts and nicks, yet leaving forty or fifty fallen myrmidons behind them.
I was delighted at their success, and I called down orders to my ordinary myrmidons to place mud and ash upon themselves, and to pad out their clothing, so the enemy might observe their great black forms and believe my force comprised a much larger number of Behemoths than was in fact the case. This they did, and I am sure it struck terror into the hearts of the enemy.
The enemy commanders must have rethought their plans then, for the group to the north stopped its advance and returned to its previous position. A second, much larger group, at least two thousand myrmidons in number, then moved forward on the north side, while another group, of similar size, began to advance to our south.
I called out to the Behemoths again, telling them to show the enemy, for a second time, what we were made of. One of the Behemoths said, as far as I could make out (for their speech was very bad, you know), they would obey my orders if I wished it, but they would suffer losses by the action, for the advancing ranks were made up of powerful myrmidons with good spears.
This prospect did not please me, so I decided upon a bolder plan. I told the Behemoths to attack the tents of the enemy commanders and kill any princes and archbishops and generals they might find there. I reasoned, you see, that when the myrmidons saw their leaders were dead, they would quickly become disorganized and wander off.
The Behemoths told me they would need all their numbers to accomplish this task. I said, “Very well, step to it then.” But they would not obey. Then I realized they did not wish to leave me—or more precisely, the pendant—unguarded in the middle of a battlefield.
Since I did not intend to accompany them on such a dangerous raid, I knew I would have to come up with some other solution, and one came to me very quickly. I called one of the Behemoths to me up in the tree, then I gave him the pendant, saying “I will give you this thing to guard. Take it with you on your mission. When you have finished, return it to me. Will you do this?”
The creature grunted that it would, and so I reached my hand out of the pot and gave the pendant to him.
At once, the Behemoth gave a great howl. Then the others started howling, and leaping, and snatching at the air. They continued this dance for some minutes, ignoring my orders to set about their mission immediately. Then, at last, they heard my words, and they ran off towards the enemy. However, instead of making for the tents, as I had ordered, they veered off to one side, towards an area where the enemy were more thinly spread and comprised the weaker types of myrmidons.
What carnage followed! In the space of just a few minutes, those magnificent black monsters had cut a bloody strip straight through the ranks of the enemy. I was much heartened to see this, for I thought it was their plan next to come around behind the enemy’s lines and to attack the commanders’ tents from the rear, which, it seems to me, they might have done very easily.
Instead, though, the Behemoths continued running straight, travelling further and further away, howling and leaping and shrieking all the while, until they were far away.
It was clear to me they had misunderstood my instructions, and had gone running off to attack some other set of commanders, perhaps in some distant city.
Most men would have despaired at this sight, but I understood such events are merely the fortunes of war, and one must either accept these fortunes and adapt to them, or face rapid defeat. In any event, when I realized the Behemoths were not returning, I called down to my myrmidons, urging them to form a more perfect circle, for by now the formation had become ragged in places, and many of the myrmidons had turned to face the forces approaching from the north and south, now almost upon us.
In a few moments, under my firm command, my troops were once again in a circle, facing in all directions, with spears at the ready. On the inside of the circle, a second circle of myrmidons stood ready, with spears pointed higher than the outside circle. In the centre were the slaves, who had also been issued with spears. I was also near the centre, perched in my tree.
The enemy troops arrived then. They were of the type known as Ridgeheads, and they were very ferocious, being larger and stronger than my myrmidons (although not so large and strong as the Behemoths, as I have already mentioned).
There were at least three thousand enemy myrmidons there, against just two hundred of mine, yet I fancy we could have taken the day with ease if my troops had followed my instructions and stayed in a circle, for a circle is an indestructible shape. Unfortunately, even though I constantly shouted “Keep the circle perfectly round!”, they allowed the formation to become slightly dented in one part, and at once they were overcome by the attackers and quickly destroyed.
With my army defeated, I knew it was time to flee for my life, and it seemed to me that, with my smaller size and swifter feet, I stood an excellent chance of escaping these lumbering Ridgeheads. Therefore, I pushed against the lid of the pot so I might climb out, and jump down from the tree.
It was then I remembered the lid of the pot was still chained to the handles. Alas, the loops of metal which fastened the chains there, and which had been very easy for the Behemoths to bend, were impossible for me to break. For some time, I pushed against the lid with my shoulder, but it would not bud
ge, and I realized I was trapped.
Thinking quickly, I decided upon a second strategy. I closed the lid and remained quietly inside the pot. It was my hope, you see, the enemy myrmidons might not have noticed I had been shouting orders from the pot and would just disregard it, thinking it was just an ordinary cooking pot which someone had placed in a tree to keep it out of harm’s way.
I waited there for a long time, listening to the sounds around me—myrmidons coming and going. An hour passed, and the sounds moved away. Then I heard approaching footsteps, and a voice called out, “Archbishop Yreth. Are you there?”
I said nothing, hoping this was merely a trick to discover my hiding place. But then the voice said, “Archbishop Yreth! I know you are in that cooking pot! Will you answer me?”
I lifted the lid and looked down. Below me I saw Prince Tiaphan. I laughed to see him, for in the portrait I had seen of this man, he looked young and fit, with long red hair, whereas the man before me had a pockmarked face, and a bald head which was only red from the colour of the skin. Still, I knew this was Prince Tiaphan, for he wore a white cloak, which in America (or in the eastern and central parts of the continent, at least) is the mark of royalty. Around him were other men, who I took to be his generals and followers.
He said, “I understand you were reluctant to surrender to me. Are you now ready to rethink that decision?”
I do not care for these foolish games kings and princes play, for they do so only to amuse those around them, so their admirers might say, “Oh, he is a witty fellow indeed.”
So, I did not answer his question but instead said, “I have lost a good army today, and I feel cross because of it. Kindly leave me in peace.” Then I lowered the lid of my pot in a dignified way.
The Ultimate Stonemage: A Modest Autobiography Page 17
