by Tahnee Fritz
The frenzy I feel when my mind erases the memories is the monster showing itself, but something happens and it goes away just as quickly as it arrived. It wants to be out, I can feel it, but it wants complete control. As much as I want the memories to disappear and my mind to be rid of the sadness, I don’t know if I can allow myself to lose to the creature I never wanted to become in the first place.
I am losing this war with my mind and things are only getting worse.
Trevor’s army is growing by the day and the word about my cure has spread. Close to three dozen people have made their way to this town to catch a look at me. They set up their camps in the empty field by the rusted playground equipment. I can hear their voices of praise as they chant my name over and over. Their beady eyes light up whenever they turn my way and they thank god for the miracle that I am. One family even arrived with a zombie of their very own. Their son, I believe, and they begged Trevor for the cure. What kind of leader would he be if he didn’t show some kind of compassion toward his followers? He gave the boy my cure and that family became whole again.
That happened yesterday and I am still hungry for the undead. I have never been more disgusted with myself and it’s all because I gave Trevor what I swore he’d never see. I just can’t help it. The hunger is too much to handle and I like the fraction of sanity I feel when I suck their flesh and blood down my gullet. It’s the after effects that just drive me insane. Maybe one day I’ll get this figured out, but I don’t see that day coming any time soon.
I stare at the people across the yard. They have a few fires lit and meat roasting over the open flames. The sun is making its descent and the stars are starting to shine. Trevor is inside the school enjoying his feast with his expanding army. He keeps bothering me about curing a vampire. As much as I would love to slip into that state of unconsciousness, now is not the best time for that to happen. There is no saying where my mind would take me or what would happen while I am asleep. I will unfortunately have to stay awake in order to maintain some iota of control in what is going on here.
A loud, cackling laugh breaks through the silence and I turn my eyes to a small family sitting away from the majority of the crowd. Five of them are perched on the grass around a fire, roasting some kind of meat on a stick. I sniff the air and it smells like pig. Those people look like they are trying to keep to themselves and not be annoyed with the constant chatter of the others. The mother and father sit between their oldest daughter and son while the youngest daughter sits alone and stares at me.
They look so familiar, almost like I have run across them at some point during my travels. I squint my eyes to focus on each of their faces in hopes of putting some clarity to how I know them. One by one their features become clear and my jaw drops in shock and disbelief.
There is a reason why I recognize this family.
They are my family.
My mother and father are sitting alongside Maggie and Charlie. Even me, the way I looked six years ago when all of them were still alive and happy. When I had a family to watch out for and care for and worry about. A family that I loved more than anything else in the world. All of them are staring at me with hatred behind their eyes right now. The younger version of myself looks especially pissed off. How can I blame her? Look what she’s become. A pathetic excuse for the savior of the human race who’s only reason to live is giving the cure to a lunatic.
“What?” I say, snapping at the family who can’t hear me. “Did you expect this not to happen? This is your fault after all. You all left me here to suffer in this life and look what you did to me. I’ll die in this cage because of you.”
The only response I get is the deathly stare and angry glares coming from each one of them. Why would they answer me. I want them to go away and leave me alone so I can stop thinking about them. I deserve no answer from them and I could care less to hear their voices.
“Are you okay in there?” a deep voice steals my attention away from the family.
I turn my eyes to a tall man wearing thick, brown overalls and a black jacket to keep warm. He stands just on the other side of the cage door with a pistol in his left hand showing no sign that he would ever shoot me with it. His voice sounded concerned but his terrified eyes don’t match his expression.
“Who are you talking to?” he speaks again.
It never occurred to me that someone else would hear my little rant just now. I don’t care that he heard me or if he thinks I’m crazy for talking to people that have been dead for a few years. This one man’s opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest.
I look past him and squint at the family. Something is different about them. For starters, it isn’t my family anymore. Just a simple group of five relatives that are entirely different from my own. My parents’ faces have disappeared and my brother and sister can’t make me feel bad anymore. The younger version of myself, the less badass Bridget, is gone and she can stay gone. The world has no use for her kind.
The man by the cage rolls his eyes and walks away without an answer from me. I have no intention of giving him the privilege of hearing my voice tonight.
I think of my past self. There were so many days I spent wasting time in school and hanging out with friends who I will never see again. I should have been preparing my life for the apocalypse. I should have forced myself to be ready for this future. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to be ready for the shit storm of a life that’s waiting right around the corner. I’d know what to expect and the world would have an even better version of the cure than what I am now.
Instead, I’m stuck wasting my time and tears on people I’ll never see again. That’s no way for me to live.
* * *
Sleep has yet to find me and the night is dragging by slower than molasses. Many of the people by the fires have crawled in their tents and not a sound can be heard but the silent snores escaping them. The air is quiet and I hate it. I want the sounds of the people talking, the quiet laughter as they listen to a bad joke, and even the crying of a tiny baby. Any sound is better than the war going on in my head.
I close my eyes and try thinking of anything other than the silence. That doesn’t leave me with much to think about. There are too many memories that I don’t want to sift through anymore. Too many faces I don’t wish to see behind my eyes. I don’t want to feel the sadness I get from thinking about them. It hurts so much and I hate myself for allowing this type of pain to enter my life.
I was perfectly fine a few weeks ago. Things made sense and a good part of the world mattered to me. I loved thinking about my past and my family and I hated the days when their faces didn’t pop into my head. My old family photo album holds so many pictures of a life that I’ll never be able to have again. I don’t even think I could look through it anymore now.
I guess losing too many of the wrong people has left my mind changing for the worst and I just want to give up the part of my life that actually meant something. If I could forget that I ever had a past that was close to perfect, it would be much easier than dealing with the crap that life lead up to. It would be easier to stop thinking about the people I can’t have anymore. It would hurt a lot less and the sadness would go away. Giving up never used to be in my nature, but when you have nothing else to hope for, maybe it’s time to give it a try.
“You don’t have to give up, Bridget.” I hear a voice and I am terrified to open my eyes.
It’s a voice I never thought I would hear again and he had to show up now. It’s painful to let that soothing tone of his words fill my ears after so many days of not hearing him speak. My hands are shaking and a warm sensation is filling my eyes. A single set of footsteps follow his words and I know he’s close by. I can feel him sitting down beside me and feel the warmth of his body and breath on my skin. He might not be real, but my mind is finally shutting down enough for me to believe that he is.
I take a deep breath and force my eyes to open. The world beyond this cage has vanished. The fires ar
e gone and the people in those tents have disappeared. There is nothing here to distract me from spending this short moment with someone I know is disappointed with me. I can see it on his face and hear it in his words as he speaks.
“Why do you want to give up?” he asks again.
“Charlie.” I say, wishing he was someone else.
When he spoke he sounded like our father, but my mind deceived me just like it has done millions of times in the past.
He keeps a stern look on his face, “Yeah it’s me and you obviously don’t have an answer for me.”
I grit my teeth, fighting back the tears as I think of something to say. This was never a conversation that would pop into my head because it was much too painful to think about. Yet, my brother is here with me and I am speechless.
He sighs and looks me up and down, “You have grown up so much since the last time I saw you. I can’t believe what you’ve become.” He doesn’t sound very proud of me, not like he did when he watched me turn into this.
A tear falls from my eyes and I feel it splashing against my cheek. This isn’t the warm and loving visit I thought I’d have with him. My mind gave me a wonderful feeling when it shut down and let me talk to Maggie and my mom and the first time I saw Charlie. This time I feel nothing but sadness and disdain.
“I didn’t want to leave you the last time we met like this. I wish I could have spent more time with you and give you the advice to help you out, but I couldn’t and I’m afraid I don’t have any to give you right now.” He says.
“Then why are you here?” I ask, still whispering.
He shrugs, “To say goodbye.”
I lean away from the wall and shake my head, “What are you talking about?”
“You are giving us no choice. All of us, we have to leave.” He replies.
“So you’re just going to die on me again?” I shout. “Why would you do this to me? Why would you even bother to visit me just to torture me like this?”
I can tell by the look on his face that his next words are hard for him to say. He can’t look at me, he stares only at the grass under his feet. His hands are clasped together and his lips are stuck in a frown.
“You give us no reason to watch over you anymore. Your main goal right now is giving up and living in this hell you’ve brought to yourself.” He says without looking at me. “You want to forget all about us and go through a life where you wish you never had a family. You want to give up.”
I sit away from the wall and shake my head furiously from side to side, “I’m not giving up on you. I just can’t stand thinking of the memories anymore. The very thought of everything hurts and it is driving me crazy. If I go on like this any longer, there will be nothing left of me but the empty shell of the girl I used to be. You have to understand how much it hurts to have you stuck in my head.”
“And you think it doesn’t hurt any of us to see you like this? To see our only living family member give up and let those men out there win?” Charlie argues and leans closer to my face, “I have seen you fight your way through the worst possible situations and you never once thought to give up. You risked your life for a group of strangers on more than one occasion. What happened to the sister I once knew? What happened to the Bridget that wanted a future for the human race?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and stare him in the eyes, “All of those things happened a lifetime ago. I’ll never be that person again. The Bridget you used to know is dead. You’ll just have to accept that.”
His eyes are red with tears. His cheeks are flushed with sadness and hurt. I’m not his little sister anymore and I never will be again.
“I don’t understand you. You want to live like this?” he asks as a tear falls from his dead eyes. “You always hated seeing those creatures locked away for amusement and now you are the animal in the cage for the world to see.” He stands and moves away from me, his hand gripping one of the bars, “How could you give up like this?”
I keep my glare focused on his face, “It’s easy when you have nothing left to live for.”
He shakes his head and stands, gliding toward the bars of the cage, “You are carrying the very thing that could save the world. Is that not something to live for?” he shouts at me.
I shake my head, “It isn’t when I have no one to love or share life with.”
He turns around and gives me that look of utter disappointment, “The world would love you for giving life back to it. None of us want you to give up on it. You think Ryder would want you to do that?”
I clench my jaw shut, trying not to think of Ryder. His death is still too fresh in my mind and even more painful than losing my family.
“I know you love that boy and I know you love him more than life itself. Just because he and I aren’t with you right now, that doesn’t mean you should give up.” He states, then turns back to the world beyond the bars.
“Trevor wants the cure and has a plan for the future. I don’t have one anymore. There is no other option for me than to let him have what he wants and give up on everything else.” I argue.
I hear another sigh escaping him and he doesn’t bother looking at me when he says, “If you think you have no other choice in life, then neither do we and you’ll just have to accept it. Goodbye Bridget.”
I let him leave. I let him die right in front of me one more time. There’s nothing I can say that would stop him anyway. He and the rest of the family have already made up their minds. They want to leave and never look over me again, why should I stop them.
There is a vast amount of anger surging through my veins. Anger toward the world and especially the one person I needed to show up tonight. If my father had been the one to reach out to me, he might have been enough to change my mind and get to want to go on. But he will never show up for me and I will always be stuck hating myself and the world I am forced to live in.
I stare between the bars of the cage and the world outside is coming back from the darkness. The fires are glowing brightly and the outlines of Trevor’s men are taking shape. I stay on the ground, my hands holding me up as I lean forward on my knees. The pain from my despair is gone and all I can feel is anger for the world right now.
I’m tired of this sadness that is constantly dragging me down. This hatred toward my life and all of my failures is sickening. I shouldn’t have to deal with this anymore and maybe I don’t have to. Maybe I could change this part of myself that wants to give up and let the weak part of me die. I can no longer deal with the hardships this life continues to throw at me and I don’t feel like I should have to anymore. I could end the sadness and forget about everything that drives me insane.
My family wants me to accept that they are gone forever, well here I am calling upon the very part of my being that is capable of accepting anything life throws at it. The part of me that I am still terrified of setting free. I am sure she is controlling and will go about this life so much differently than I had ever planned.
I don’t have a reason to keep her from having her own life anymore. Ryder is gone and the depressing part of me will never accept that or anything else that goes wrong while I’m trapped here. There is only one thing I know I can do that will take the pain away and replace it with something that will make things easier to manage.
“You hear this monster,” I speak quietly to myself. “You want a life of your own? You want to come out a play until the end of time? Then do it. I’m giving you the permission you need to erase the weak segments of my brain and replace them with what you know it needs to have in order to make it through this and survive. I’m allowing you to take over.”
I stop talking and stare straight ahead of me for a long moment. The wind picks up and the leaves rustle on the ground nearby. The guard in front of me zips up his jacket to cover his shivering neck, then blows his steamy breath into his hands.
That’s the only thing that is happening though. I still feel like the crumby, annoying Bridget that can’t seem to let things go. It mus
t take something more than just me telling my monster to take over. Trevor might have just the thing to help coax her out.
* * *
The sun is shining high in the sky above. Only a few white clouds are floating in the late Autumn breeze and I can hear the children across the yard trying to guess which animals they look like. I stand in the middle of the cage and stare at the humans who are laughing and having a grand old time. They live like their lives are meaningful in a world filled with so much hatred and death. If they could spend a day in my shoes, their minds would change pretty quickly.
A new herd of people have made their way to the small community and I watched them set up their tents alongside the others. About fifteen newbies are over there, staring at me whenever they get the chance. I can hear them talking to the others who welcome them to the group. They say how grateful they are for finding this place and how they already feel safer just knowing the cure lies in this very town. They don’t bother asking why it’s locked in a cage or why there aren’t zombies lined up to receive a new lease on life. All they care about is feeling safer by following Trevor on his path of destruction.
Speaking of the man, he’s been pacing around the school yard for an hour arguing with some guy with a Mohawk styled haircut. I haven’t really been paying much attention to what they are saying. I just know it’s about me and how the man with the Mohawk believes I should be taken to a more private location. Trevor is still hoping I’ll switch sides and he won’t have to worry about moving me at all.
I’ve actually been waiting for them to stop talking so I can get Trevor’s attention. I need something that only he can bring me and I don’t want to wait too long. Ever since I gave myself permission to let the bad side take over, I can feel it bubbling in the pit of my stomach as well as the back of my mind. It just needs a little push in order for her to completely take over and erase myself from a life I don’t want.
