by Tyler, Nella
TROWING LOVE #5
By Nella Tyler
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2015 Nella Tyler
Click here to read Throwing Love #1
Click here to read Throwing Love #2
Click here to read Throwing Love #3
Click here to read Throwing Love #4
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Chapter One
I couldn't say how long I sat there in my bedroom for – five minutes...30 minutes, maybe even an hour. There was no sense of time for me. It could have been 30 seconds or an eternity; I felt nothing. My body was in a terrible way, so numb. I had never felt that way before. I think part of me was in shock. Yes, I was definitely in shock. Where was Bennett, why had he not come back yet? I had waited and waited some more, so where was he? I knew I wasn't thinking straight and no matter how much I thought about getting out of my bed, I just couldn't do it. My body was immobile, I couldn't move if I wanted to. Every part of me was numb, and I hated that feeling. But I didn't know how to stop it or how to move.
He had walked out, left me, seemingly without a care in the world. Why? Why had he done that? I couldn't process what had happened between us. Why had we fought so badly? I thought he would have stayed. He should have. Shouldn't he? Was I asking too much? Should I have just accepted the shitty part of our relationship that left me abandoned on a regular basis?
I knew I shouldn't have threatened his career. That had been a mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. It was so stupid. His pride alone would have made him cringe over that request. Guys normally didn't like ultimatums, and mine was a brutal one, so that just made it even worse. But it wasn't like I wanted him to give up baseball completely for me. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before he started missing practices. I didn't think that was a lot to ask. I knew it wasn't a lot to ask. I had just wanted him to find a place for me in his life, as well. Not give up everything, but have me as a priority. That was a completely normal request. I wasn't crazy. I didn't want to be second in his life. I wanted him to have a great career, but with me by his side. I no longer wanted to be treated like some kind of groupie whom he spent time with every now and again. I was more than that. I loved him. I loved him a lot.
I felt hollowed out. I thought I might even throw up. My heart was no longer in my chest. It was crushed on the floor with what appeared to be a footprint on it. Yes, that was a footprint – the same print that Bennett's shoe made. That was how it felt, anyways. I thought things had been bad before our fight, but now this; this was on a whole other level, one that changed everything. Things between us would never be the same.
He had left...what did that mean? Maybe he never really loved me in the first place. Why wouldn't he at least talk to me? My God...I felt like I was going crazy. How could he just walk out on me? Not even discuss it, but just walk out as if I meant nothing to him? It was total asshole behavior and yet, I knew that wasn't the kind of character Bennett had.
The game, or maybe it was just his coach and my father, but they had such a control on him. My father had really caused a mess when he showed up at Bennett's apartment. I could almost strangle him for getting involved. It had caused so many problems between Bennett and me. It was as if Bennett didn't think he could make it to the big leagues anymore unless he did their bidding. How did he manage to forget that he was doing just that when we began dating? Everything had been great until Bennett decided that skipping practices was a great idea. Men!
The pain I was feeling was kept me confined in my bed, staring at the door. I practically had it memorized, the lines of the door, the color. I had never felt so betrayed in my life. It was too much for my brain to take in at once. I thought he would at least discuss things with me. Tell his coach he couldn't come to this one practice so that he could figure things out with me. That would have been the best possible thing for us to do. But as it turns out, there was room for only one love in Bennett's life and that love wasn't me. There was no doubt about it. I had never felt so terrible in my whole life. Why was he doing this to me?
I stared at that door, waiting for him to come back. Why hadn't he come back yet? To say that he was stupid for walking out and that he was sorry. He needed to say he was sorry. I wanted him to say that he loved me more than a game and would make both work in order to be with me. I didn't want him to give up the game, but I needed to be there, too. I didn't think that it was a lot to ask of him. What was wrong with him?
I had been so sure that he would come back. That he would rush through the door and scoop me up into his arms. We would kiss so passionately that we would end up back in bed together. We would wake up in each other’s arms and I would have no choice but to forgive him. In fact, I would have gladly forgiven him if he did any of those things. But he didn't. Bennett never came back that day.
Chapter Two
I waited for an hour before I finally gave up. Getting out of bed took a lot of effort on my part. It felt almost impossible to do so, but I did it. I thought for sure he would have returned by then or at the very least sent me a message, apologizing or, dammit, just something. But I didn't hear from him at all and it was about time that I get on with my day. There was no point in me lying around any longer. I was just embarrassing myself further.
It was hard to accept things were over between Bennett and me. I didn't want that at all. It was bad enough trying to accept the fact that he had left, never mind trying to understand why he didn't want to fight for our relationship. Why didn't he love me enough to include me in his life? He was behaving like a thoughtless jerk.
I stepped off the bed and went about collecting my clothing. With every piece I picked up, I started to remember how it came off of my body. How Bennett had taken each piece off my body. I began to clasp my bra back on and slip into my panties, remembering that they had been the last things he had taken off my body. I pulled on my jeans and slipped into my t-shirt. I did everything like a robot, my mind numb to everything around me. I had no idea how to feel in that moment and the truth was, I felt nothing at all. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe I should enjoy feeling nothing. Sooner rather than later, I would feel the pain of loss again and that wasn't going to be much fun. Feeling nothing was a little refreshing after feeling so much pain lately. I was sick of feeling that way. Relationships were supposed to bring you joy in your life, not continually cause pain. Maybe Connie had been right all along; maybe I should have avoided Bennett from the beginning. Not get involved with someone striving for a major league career. It only caused complications in my life that I didn't need.
I had to accept the fact that he was gone and move on with my life. I had put too much time and effort already into a relationship that wasn't important to Bennett; way too much time. I had thought it was worth it, but his behavior told me otherwise. He obviously wasn't that interested in me or a in a future with me if he was able to throw it all away that quickly. He didn't even try to save it; he just walked away from me without a thought that he was hurting me.
I had wanted a different ending. I had just been so sure that he would come back. It was a shock to find out that he didn't. That was the part that hurt so much, was that realization. All I wanted in that moment was try to forget about what happened. I doubted that I would be abl
e to forget about anything, but I was going to try damn hard to. Bennett had broken my heart once again, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get over it this time. But I had to in order to lead a healthy and happy life. I needed to get him out of my head and out of my heart. He had made his choice, and there didn't seem to be anything that I could do to change his mind. Now I just needed to move on and try to forget Bennett as best I could. I wasn't sure how I was going to do that, but I had to.
, I went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. All my movements were robotic. I wanted to feel better about what happened and coffee was at least going to take the headache away. The throbbing in my head only seemed to be getting worse. I watched the pot for a moment, watching the coffee spill into it. I couldn't even clear my head. I didn't know what to think, what to do. I just tried to focus on the coffee and will my headache away. It wasn't working.
I went into my bedroom while I waited it to finish brewing. I flopped onto my bed face-first and started to sob. I felt helpless and useless. Bennett had made me feel unappreciated and unworthy of his attention. I couldn't control the tears coming out of me, I just sobbed and sobbed. My throat was raw and my eyes were becoming puffy. No matter what I tried to do I couldn't stop crying the tears just kept coming. I should have been empty, but they just kept coming. My stomach began to churn with all the emotions inside of me.
It was then that I heard a voice at my doorway, it wasn't the voice that I had been waiting for all day, but it was darn sure a close second. Just the sound of it made me feel so much better.
“What the hell is going on here?”
I turned to find Connie standing in my doorway with a concerned look on her face.
Chapter Three
I flung myself out of my bed and rushed to the doorway to see Connie. I flung myself into her arms, almost knocking her over. I couldn't believe she was there. I had never wanted to see anyone more in my entire life. Yes, I wanted to see Bennett, but Bennett was no longer a part of my life. I had to accept that. So Connie was who I needed to see, she would know exactly how to get me through all this. She would help me heal and get over Bennett. I wanted and needed that to happen as soon as possible. I knew it was unlikely; those things took time. But I was desperate to get over him. I couldn't be in this pain forever.
“Whoa, what's going on here?” She was holding me tight as I held her back even tighter. The sobs came again, and I sobbed against her shoulder, not knowing what else to do. I had cried so much that it was crazy to think that I still had more crying to do. She allowed me to cry in her arms for as long as I needed. She waited patiently as I cried, not bothering to ask me what was wrong. She knew that I needed this moment to just cry. She was a great friend; she was exactly what I needed in that moment. She knew when to stay silent, and she knew when it was appropriate to start talking. She just let me cry for as long as I needed. Right now, she was allowing me to get everything out, right down her shoulder. When I didn't have anything left, I pulled away from her and stared into her eyes. I felt lost and empty. I had completely emptied myself of feelings.
“My eyes are going to be so puffy in the morning,” I whimpered.
She laughed. “Well, there's the girl I know and love. Do you think you got enough tears out or should we keep going?” She was looking at me softly, concern written all over her face.
I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. I was in desperate need of a Kleenex and I walked to the bathroom to find some. I blew my nose and dabbed at my eyes, feeling so much better than I did before Connie arrived.
“No, I think I'm pretty much done crying. I don't think I could if I wanted to.”
Connie headed out to the kitchen, and I followed close behind her. She went straight for the coffee pot and poured us both a hot steaming cup, adding creamer to mine and cream and sugar to hers. I just watched shell-shocked as she performed these tasks and then brought both cups to the kitchen table.
All I could do at that moment was stare into my cup of coffee. It looked wonderful, but I couldn't even bring myself to take a sip quite yet. There was still a chance I could throw up. And I didn't even know what to say to Connie, we had been through this so much in the past few months. It was like I was beating a dead horse every time I talked to Connie. Bennett and I just seemed to have problem after problem in our relationship and Connie had to hear about it all the time. It was a wonder that she wasn't sick of it all by that point – I certainly was. What more could I tell her at this point that I hadn't already told her in the first place? I should never have got involved in the relationship I was in; it had brought me nothing but pain. It was a testament to how great of a friend she was that she was still willing to sit across from me and listen to yet another story about Bennett.
“So, girl, let's have it. What happened to you and Bennett? I know that has to be it because there is nothing else in your life that could possibly get you this upset. You have cried rivers here.”
“Tell me about it” I said as I wiped at my tears again.
“So, what happened? Get it out, let’s hear it.”
“I think things are over between Bennett and me. In fact, I don't know how we can piece things back together anymore. Things are just a mess right now. It all just fell apart.”
“I thought that you guys were going on a date. You had the whole day planned out. What could possibly have gone wrong? You guys were so excited to spend the whole day together. I'm not understanding what happened here.”
“That's exactly my point. I have no idea what happened, either. Actually, I do. Baseball happened. He once again chose his career over me and for the most ridiculous reason possible.” I flung my hands up in the air exasperated.
“Okay.” She was forcing me to continue. She knew that I had more to say, and she couldn't give her opinion until I let it all out, so I might as well just go ahead and tell her.
“We were on our date, and we were having a great time. We went out for dinner and then we came back to his apartment and washed some movies. We had the best sex of our entire relationship, like everything between us was just perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better date. We had such a good day, and the great thing about it was that we still had the evening to go. I was planning on cooking dinner and just relaxing with him for the evening.”
“Sounds like everything was great. So what went wrong?”
“Baseball. We were literally laying in bed right after having sex with each other, cuddling together and just relaxing and enjoying everything between us. Then he gets a call from his coach, which he shouldn't have taken in the first place. And that's where everything went downhill. God, this is so frustrating to talk about.”
“I can probably guess what happened, but why don't you tell me.”
“His coach was calling him to come in for some random practice. Not his regular practice, just another one of his extra practices, but he insisted that Bennett come in immediately and do it. Bennett had promised me that we would spend the whole day together, that he wouldn't go back to work no matter what. So instead of telling his boss he was already busy, he gets off the phone and heads on over to practice.”
“You're kidding me?”
“Nope. He told his coach right away that he would be right down. He could have easily told his coach that he already made plans he couldn't get out of. He is a grown man, for God’s sake. When he got off the phone, we had a huge argument where I specifically reminded him that he promised me we would have the whole day together. But he didn't care, he just said he had to go and he walked out the door. He wasn't even willing to discuss it with me.”
“Well, I can see why you're upset. I really don't understand what Bennett is doing right now. I think it's pretty obvious that he cares about you. But then he does these things that make you think that he doesn't care for you. I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't care about you, Emmi, I really don't. But he definitely has his head in the clouds. To be honest, I'm not sure you are going to be able to get his head out of the cl
ouds; you may just have to let him go until he is ready to devote the time necessary to be in a relationship. You deserve the best and if he can't give that to you, then you need to move on.”
“Yeah, I was afraid you were going to say that. Not that I have any choice in the matter, it's pretty clear that he's gone whether I want him gone or not. It was just a really bad fight and it went nowhere good. I feel destroyed. I want to be with him badly, but not like this, it's brutal.”
“I'm sorry, Emmi.” She reached over and took my hand, holding it tightly.
I finally took a sip of my coffee and it felt so good going down. The warmth took me over and I remembered all over again why I loved coffee so much. “He just promised me that he was going to stay for the day. And I believed him. I really thought that if something came up, he would stand up for himself and say he already had plans. He must have known I would be so upset.”
“I know you did, Emmi. And he really should have. It would not have been a big deal for him to skip this practice, especially if he already had plans with you. Like I said, I don't know what is going on with him these days.”
“It gets worse, though. I think I may have done something wrong, really wrong. You have to understand, though, I was just so angry that he was going to leave. I was desperate.”
“Why, what happened?”
“Well, I was trying to explain things to him. I was trying to get him to understand how important it was for him to stay with me for the day, to put us first. He was just being so irritating, that I just blew up. I was trying to get him to see how important it was for a relationship for him to stay. He promised me, Connie, he promised me.”
“Emmi, what happened?”
“I gave him an ultimatum, about baseball.”
“Oh God, Emmi, you didn't. Oh dear...”
