by Diana Nixon
“Yes, it’s me!” I took off my shoes and went to the living room. “Hey, why are you still awake?” The clock on the wall showed midnight.
“Your father couldn’t fall asleep and I asked Stanley to give him a sleeping pill. But now it looks like I might need one too. Where have you been, by the way?”
“Just hanging out with an old friend of mine.”
“Oh… Was it a date?”
“No. Just a meeting with a friend.” No matter how date-like it felt, I didn’t want to give my time with Trevor names, no matter how many times he called our meeting ‘a date’. “Is Stan still awake? I wanna talk to him.”
“He’s in your father’s office. Reading some papers.”
“Okay. I’m gonna make myself a cup of hot chocolate. Do you want one?”
“No, thanks. I’d better go and give much-needed sleep another try.”
“Night, Mom. Love you.”
“Love you too, darling.” She kissed my forehead and left.
I went to the kitchen, poured some water into the electric kettle and waited for the water to boil.
Only now, that I was back in the safety of my house, I realized that spending the night somewhere else, in Trevor’s bed for example, would be a mistake. Not because I doubted his bed play talents, more like I doubted I would be able to give him as much as he was ready to give me. Using him simply to satisfy my physical needs was not an option. He deserved so much more than that. Besides, there was another man I couldn’t take out of my head. Would I agree to spend a night with him if offered? A part of me would probably say no to this, when the other part would be all for it.
After my hot chocolate was ready, I took a cup and went to my dad’s office. The door was half-open, but I knocked anyway.
“May I come in?” I asked.
Stanley smiled tiredly. “Sure.” He stood up to greet me. “Coming home late, huh? Should I be worried?”
“I’m not sixteen anymore, remember?”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I’m your older brother and that I’m worried about you.”
“Speaking of which… Have you decided about moving to Washington?”
He went around the desk and sat down. “Looks like I will need to postpone my departure.”
“Why?” I sat down in a leather chair facing him.
“Dad asked me to go through his property documents, and there are a few things that I will need to deal with before I leave.”
“Anything serious?”
“No. But the lake house needs remodeling. And it needs it now.”
“What can I do to help you?”
“Well, first of all, we need to repaint the walls and change the floors. You can go there when you have time and cover up the furniture so it doesn’t get ruined.”
“Sure. I can do that. I’ll go there tomorrow, after work. Anything else?”
Stan gave me a thoughtful look. “Are you happy, sis?”
I knew what made him ask that question. Though I thought it would be better to listen to Liz and not to mention his conversation with Liam that I now knew about.
“I am happy,” I lied. Hell, I wish I knew what being truly happy was. But at this point, saying that I was not happy was not quite true either.
“Good. I’m glad to hear that.”
“What about you?” I asked.
But Stan just joked it off. “My happiness will have to wait until I’m done with the lake house remodeling and off to Washington.”
“Have you talked to mom and dad about it?”
“I have. And they both said I need to accept the offer.”
“See? I told you. They love you too much to stand in the way of your bright and happy future.”
“I know. That’s why I want to remodel the lake house first. Dad said he wants to spend Christmas there.”
“Looks like you and I gonna have a lot of work to do.”
“Liz promised to help with the new decorations for the library and the living room.”
“Don’t worry, Big Brother, we will make it.”
“We’ve always been a great team, right?” Another thoughtful look followed and I wondered if Liz was right and Stan did need to talk to someone about what he had to go through because of me.
“Stanley, you know you can always talk to me, about anything, right?”
“I know, sis. Just like I’m always here if you need me.”
“I never doubted that.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Liam
It was raining cats and dogs – perfect weather to make my sucky mood even worse. I was on my way to Stan’s lake house. I knew Crystal would be there tonight and even though I had no fucking idea how to start the conversation that I knew was going to happen sooner or later, I thought it was time to clear the air.
Yesterday was hell for me. After I talked to Liz, I got a call from the bar where I got smashed the night before and good news – they knew where my car was – parked right at the entrance to their bar, with the windows wide open and one of the front headlights broken. First, I thought I would simply go there and take my car, but then I changed my mind and walked straight to the bar stand to order a drink. Needless to say, I didn’t stop at one glass.
Maybe that’s why today I felt like crap and wanted nothing more than to die, right here and now. But there was someone I needed to see first, so I called Stan and asked if he knew anything about his sister’s plans for the night. Turned out she was going to the lake house. So there I headed.
Parking at the porch, I saw Crystal’s car parked at the garage. The lights in the house were on, and I could hear music coming from the inside. I walked to the door that was not locked, and let myself in.
The words from one of Britney’s earliest time’s songs filled the house.
“Hello?” I called out. But no one responded.
I looked around the living room, a good part of which was now covered with sheets. The books and the biggest part of decorations were gone and probably packed in the boxes standing all around the place. I felt kind of nostalgic. The house reminded me of the time when nothing but here and now mattered. Stan, Kameron, Jeff and I often came here for the weekends. We partied, laughed, had fun and never thought about tomorrow, as if what we had back then would never end. What do they say about youth? Oh, right – it smiles without any reason… I wish I could say the same about the life I had now.
“You have got to be kidding me…”
I turned around to the sound of Crystal’s voice.
“You again?” She didn’t look happy to see me. “I think it’s gonna be like the hundredth time I ask you this question, but what the hell are you doing here? Don’t you have any other girl to stalk?”
I didn’t hear a word of what she had been saying, because all I could think about was how stunningly beautiful she was. She was dressed in an oversized sweater that ended right above her knees, her feet were bare. Her hair was tied in a high bun, with a few rebellious locks falling out here and there. Even with no makeup on her face, she still looked like the most gorgeous girl in the world.
“Are you even listening to me?” She put her hands on her hips, making her sweater slide up a few inches.
I needed all my willpower to stop staring at her legs, thinking about what she and I could do instead of fighting over some stupid little things again.
“I wanted to see you,” I finally said, looking her in the eye.
“What for?”
“We need to talk…”
For a few silent moments, we just kept staring at each other. Until she broke the eye contact and said, “We don’t have anything to talk about.” She turned away from me, took one of the boxes standing on the floor and started wrapping tape all around it.
I came closer to where she was standing and stopped right behind her. “Is that really so, Crystal?” I asked in a barely audible voice.
Her posture froze. She knew what I was talking about, as well as I knew that it was probably the las
t thing in the world she ever wanted to discuss.
Without turning around, she replied, “What happened in the past better stay in the past. Period.”
“Look at me, Crys… Please.”
Slowly, she turned around and I saw fear filling her chocolate eyes.
“Talk to me,” I said. “Scream at me, punch me in the face, call me names – do whatever you want. But don’t pretend our past doesn’t bother you anymore, because I know better.”
She smirked humorlessly. “You think you know everything, don’t you?”
“When it comes to you, I don’t know a damn thing. I never know what to expect, I can’t be sure about anything. But I know there’s one thing that we need to talk about and we will talk, whether you like it or not.”
“Since when have you become the boss here?”
“Since the day you pushed me away and pretended that nothing had ever happened between us.”
“I pushed you away?” She said a little louder than usual. “Weren’t you the very person who pushed me away when I just started to believe that there actually was something between us?”
“Why didn’t you tell me about what happened that night?”
“Why would I tell you anything? I got your point, Liam, I really did – you thought you were too old for me, and I deserved someone with the same dreams I dreamed. And you were scared as shit to tell my brother you wanted to sleep with me. But have you ever asked about what I wanted or what I was dreaming about? Have you ever thought that I might want to share those dreams with you?”
“Crystal, please…”
“You asked me out, you brought chocolate, flowers, you even bought me a dress for my graduation ball. You made me believe that I did mean something to you. And then, you proved the opposite. How very thoughtful and mature, right?”
“You meant everything to me! Do you hear me?” I grabbed her by the shoulders, as desperate as ever. No words were good enough to describe how I felt at that moment. “God… You still mean a world to me,” I said with my eyes boring hers. “How can you not see it?” I couldn’t change our past, I couldn’t promise her a perfect future, damn it – I couldn’t promise her anything, because there was a different woman expecting lifetime promises from me, and I couldn’t believe I was actually going to give her what she wanted, simply because I couldn’t imagine my son or daughter growing up without me.
Crystal swallowed and walked away from me. She sat on a couch covered with a snow-white sheet and hid her face in her hands.
“Go away, Liam. This conversation is pointless.”
I kneeled in front of her and removed her hands covering her face. The words I was about to say were probably the hardest ever, but I wanted her to hear them. “I loved you so much. And I never stopped loving you, Crystal. Never.”
“Don’t say that…” Tears glistened in her eyes.
“I’m telling you the truth. I should have said this a long time ago, but I was being an idiot. I thought I didn’t deserve you. And you are right, I thought you needed someone who would be able to see things from the same point of view as you did. And believe me, I tried to forget you, but I never knew how to stop craving you… In every girl I met, I tried to see something from you. But none of them was you. None of them made me feel the things you made me feel…”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. Time has changed so many things… If you came here because you feel guilty for what happened to me, then stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. If anything, it was mine. I was too naïve to not see the obvious – you never told me about love or whatever it was that I wanted so badly to hear from you. You were kind and supportive, and then at some point, I must have mistaken our friendship for something else – the something that never existed at all.”
“You are wrong. Time hasn’t changed the way I feel about you, Crystal. And I know that behind your bravery there is a pain – the pain that I will never be able to take away; the pain that you felt because of me.” I knew my words meant nothing to her, not after everything that she had to go through because of my cowardliness. I remembered the kiss we shared in this very house, months ago. Back then, words were not needed. So I did the only thing that felt right at the moment. I cupped her face in my hands and without giving my actions a second thought, I pulled her lips to mine and kissed her deeply.
She hesitated no longer than a few seconds before she gave in and responded to my kiss with the same passion. I can’t say I was surprised by her willingness, she and I had always walked dangerously close to the cliff that allured us with the depth beneath it and tempting obscureness. We both wanted to jump from it and dive into the ecstasy of what our bodies had been craving for so long.
Her hands fumbled with my clothes, until I was shirtless and with my jeans unzipped, with my body covering hers on the white sheet of the couch. Her hot and swollen lips met my new kisses without complaint; her body trembled beneath mine. Pure fire rushed over me, burning the remnant of my self-control that I hated so much for taking her away from me, six years ago. My breathing became ragged, my body and mind refused to cooperate, my need to be with her took over me, even though at the back of my mind, I knew what we were going to do would be a mistake – another selfish decision that I would regret.
I stopped kissing her and looked down at her. Her gaze was blinded by the desire I could so clearly read in the depth of her chocolate abysses.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked, giving both of us a chance to stop before it would be too late. “I don’t want you to hate me even more when everything is over.”
She smirked. “I don’t think ‘more’ is possible in this particular case.” Then, with her fingertip, she traced a line across my lower lip and added in a whisper, “Even if this is going to be one night only, I want it to happen. With no regrets and morning accusations… I want this night to belong to us.”
If only she knew how much I wanted to take what she was offering and give her all of me in return. But…
“I need to tell you something first.” It was probably the worst moment to remember about a fiancé waiting for me at home, but I knew it was unfair to keep Crystal at sea about my wedding plans.
“I don’t want to hear it,” she said and pulled my lips back to hers, before I would get a chance to make another confession.
My conscience snapped; my mind started to race, giving up on all the reasons to do the right thing and stop before I would no longer be able to drag myself away from her.
She was just too good to let her go again.
I pushed her sweater up and took it off over her head. She didn’t try to stop me. On the contrary – she left her hands resting above her head and waited…waited for my eyes to drink her in.
She wasn’t wearing a bra, and I couldn’t but appreciate it. Inch by inch, I covered her skin with my kisses, with my hands drawing invisible circles all over her curves.
Just when my lips got to the scar on her belly, I felt her body tense. I looked up at her and met her eyes watching me. It was the first time I got such a close look at the ugly reminder of one hellish night from her past. I knew she was still ashamed of revealing it, to me of all people. But on the other hand, I admired her bravery.
I clapped my hands and the lights in the room softened. Maybe in the dusk she would feel more secure. The music stopped playing and the only sound to break the silence was our breathing. With my gaze still holding hers, I bent down and touched the top of the scar with my lips, tracing small kisses down its length. She let out a slow breath, and closed her eyes, as if she could finally let her worries go and stop thinking about what I might feel seeing the imperfection that she had been hiding from everyone for years. To me, she was still beautiful, inside and out.
I stood up from the couch and lifted her up in my arms. If this was going to be our first and only night together, I wanted to spend it in bed, and not on the couch.
I went to her room and carefully put her on the bed. Hovering over her, I couldn’t
but think about all the wasted nights I could spend with her, making love. But instead, I slept with other women, hoping to take the one I loved out of my head by getting another orgasm or two.
“I know it’s a little too late to apologize…”
“Shh…” She put her finger over my lips. “Let’s pretend our past never existed at all. Here and now, nothing but us matters. No matter what happens tomorrow, I want at least a small part of my dreams about us to come true.”
I knew I owed her this. I owed her so much more than one night, but she was right – right now, nothing but us mattered.
With another kiss, I signed a silent deal that she and I both knew would end with the sunrise. As well as we knew that it would probably stay with us for the rest of our lives, just like that scar on her belly… Only this time, with something so much better than pain behind it.
I got rid of the rest of my clothes and laid down next to her. I couldn’t get enough of watching her. Even though the thought of being inside her pushed me over the edge, I took my time to memorize every small thing about her, so I could live with those memories of her when she would no longer be mine.
The night was going to be a long goodbye – the longest in my life. And no matter how much I wanted to make it last forever, I knew my time with her was limited to one and only dream that she wanted to live through with me. The million reasons we had to not let it happen didn’t matter anymore. We needed this night, now more than ever.
Leaning in, I brushed her lips with mine, slowly, carefully. As if I were afraid to scare her away. She closed her eyes and smiled into my mouth. I more felt than saw her smile curving beneath my lips. I wondered what she was thinking at the moment?
“Am I such a bad kisser?” I asked in a whisper.
She giggled. “On the contrary… No one has ever kissed me the way you do.” With her eyes still closed, she added quietly, “Don’t stop…”
“How can I?” My kiss deepened, causing her body to tremble next to me.
