by Diana Nixon
“Because she might think that you were late because of me?”
“Exactly.”
“What was he doing here?” Liam pointed to the closed door.
“He brought me coffee.”
“Did he start working in a coffee shop?”
“No. But he knows how much I love iced caramel coffee.”
“As well as caramel ice-cream, caramel syrup and anything that has caramel in it.” Liam stepped closer, so close I could see the tiny wrinkles in the corners of his eyes that became more visible whenever he smiled. “I know a few things about you too, remember?”
“You wouldn’t let me forget it, would you?”
“Do you want to forget it?”
Less than four hours without him, and I already felt like breaking the damn deal. But he didn’t need to know that.
“When I said you could come to see me, it didn’t mean coming to see me today.”
“Sharing lunch with me won’t kill you.”
But it will!
Trevor was right, the less time I spend in Liam’s company, the better.
“I’m sorry, I have work to do.” I turned away from his stare and sat back in my chair.
“Fine. We can order lunch here.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”
Needless to say, to concentrate on my work with Liam breathing down my neck was an impossible task. Even without looking at him, I knew his eyes never stopped following my every move. He was passing my office, dancing and singing a song I had never heard before, which I must admit, was not helping my concentration, at all. I hoped lunch would be delivered before I tried to kill him with my bare hands.
But when, after an hour or so, no food was delivered, I realized that sharing lunch was not the reason for Liam’s desire to see me.
“Okay, what’s going on?” I asked, irritated.
“I thought you would never talk to me again. Are you finished working?”
I chuckled. “Working? Do you really believe I could work with you dancing and singing in my office?”
“I thought I was being inspirational.”
I gave him a doubtful look.
“No? Okay, you are right – I wasn’t trying to be inspirational.”
“What do you want, Liam?”
“You.” As soon as my face told him everything I thought about his response, he said, “Just kidding. Scratch that, I’m not kidding. I do want you, always. But I wanted to talk to you about something very important.” He paused and his expression became very serious. I didn’t like it. “It’s about your scar...”
“We are not going to talk about it. Period.”
“Why don’t you listen to what I’m going to tell you first?”
“I know what you have in mind, and the answer is NO.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want anyone to operate on me. I’m scared, okay? I hate needles, not to mention scalpels and other surgical instruments. If you want me dead, take me to the surgery.”
“What if I perform the operation?”
I stared at him, not sure how to respond. My heart raced in my chest. He couldn’t be serious right now, could he?
“Bad idea.”
“It’s not,” Liam said stubbornly. “It’s not just about the fear to see a scalpel in my hands, is it?”
Damn his intuition.
“Tell me, Crystal? Why don’t you want your scar to be removed?”
I lowered my eyes to my hands that suddenly got sweaty. I felt like I lacked air. Liam was right, my fears had nothing to do with the surgery. There was more to it.
I swallowed and said, “I don’t want to be sedated again. Last time it happened, I thought my recovery time would never come.” While Stanley was stitching my wound, I was in a deep sleep. Most people say they don’t dream while being under, but my case was different – I was having a nightmare, living through the most terrible night of my life, over and over again.
The nightmares after it didn’t matter. I woke up and everything ended, unlike the only time when I was affected by the anesthetics Stan gave me and couldn’t open my eyes when I wanted to. The agony of helplessness… I still remembered the feeling so well; blood froze in my veins at the mere thought of getting into the dream I would not be able to wake up from.
I didn’t notice the tears running down my cheeks, but when I felt Liam’s arms around me, I knew that something was wrong with me.
He didn’t say a word, but his embrace said it all for him.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry,” he whispered, kissing my forehead. “I will never forgive myself for leaving you that night. Never.”
“Like I said, it’s not your fault. I was being a stupid lovestruck girl. I should have thought twice before going to the damn club. If only I could turn back time…”
Liam spoke again, “If I could turn back time, I would never let you out of my arms again.”
I moved a little so I could see his face. His lips were so close to mine; I could feel his heart beating wildly beneath his shirt. The look in his eyes made it harder to breathe. All I could think about was kissing him, losing myself in that spellbinding scent of his cologne and never come back to my senses again.
One more heartbeat, one small move…
And the door to my office flew open, and Liz walked in, breaking the magic of the moment.
I broke out of Liam’s embrace and cleared my throat.
“Am I interrupting?” Liz asked, switching her eyes between Liam and me. Her eyes stayed focused on him a little longer than on me, as if she wanted to tell him something I was not supposed to hear.
“Liam was just leaving,” I said.
“Good.” Liz gave him another look full of something I didn’t get and then walked to my desk and opened a catalogue with different fabrics in it. “I can’t decide which one to choose for my Christmas collection. Silk or velvet? What do you think?”
Liam responded for me, “Velvet.”
He and I shared a glance and then he turned to the door and left without saying another word.
Liz shut the catalogue and stared at me.
“What the hell was that?”
“What do you mean?”
“You and Liam. I’m not blind, you know?”
“I know. But I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Oh, no, my dear friend, you are not going to lie again. I’m sick and tired of the old story named ‘My first crush, aka Liam. Chapter 100’. What was he doing here?”
“He came to have lunch with me. Is that a problem?”
She looked around the room and smirked. “Was he having you for lunch? Because I don’t see any food in the room.”
She just had to say those very words. They reminded me of what Liam said that morning about having me for breakfast. My cheeks turned red in a heartbeat.
“Sweet baby Jesus… You didn’t sleep with him, did you?”
“Of course, not! I mean…not here…not during my lunch time.”
Liz sat on a small couch and shook her head. “But you did sleep with him somewhere else, right?”
I nodded, as ashamed of something people don’t usually feel ashamed about as ever. After all, making love with someone you love is not a crime, is it?
“What were you thinking?”
I didn’t have the answer to that question.
“Liam, he’s… never mind.” Liz shook her head again. “I hope it was a one-time thing?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Because I don’t want to watch you cry yourself to death.” She got back to discussing the fabrics for her next collection and we didn’t talk about Liam again. But I had this weird feeling telling me that she did want to tell me something, only she never did.
***
On Sunday night I felt like my life was quickly rolling down the drain, and I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it. I didn’t hear from Liam after our failed lunch, but it didn’t lessen my desire to see him again. Like crazy, I�
��d run to my phone every time it rang, hoping to see his name flashing on the screen. But he never called, or texted.
I wondered if he had finally given up on the idea of being ‘friends with no benefits’ with me and was going to pretend he didn’t know me at all. I should have been glad to know that I wouldn’t need to deal with his impossible attitude again. But a part of me, a huge part of me, still craved him, and it was incurable.
Apart from missing Liam, I was about to start missing Trevor. It was the night he was going back to Canada, and I was not going there with him.
“Are you sure you wanna stay here?” He asked like a hundred times for the last half an hour. “You don’t have to sleep with me if you don’t want to. There are two guest rooms in my apartment. I won’t try to sneak under your blanket in the middle of the night, I swear.”
I giggled. “I don’t believe you. “
“What do I need to do to make you go to Canada with me?”
I sighed. “There’s nothing you can do to make me change my mind. But I promise to think about paying you a visit one day. You still owe me a civilized date, remember?”
“Will that date end up with you asking for a few drops of my sperm to complete your crazy plan about your future?”
I laughed. “I’d prefer it to be dinner with an old friend.”
He made the most disappointed expression ever. “I like my version of your visit more. Even though I would prefer to not think about what you might need my sperm for.”
“See? You can’t stop thinking about sleeping with me again and this is exactly why it’s better if we stay where we are now.”
“Boring.”
“Safe.”
He rolled his eyes and pulled me into his embrace. “I’m gonna miss you, Crystal.”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and said, “Likewise.” I wished him all the best, and I truly wanted him to be happy. Too bad I was too crazy about another guy to jump into the plane, fly away with Trevor and never come back.
“Call me when you land, okay?”
He nodded. “Will do. And you promise to be a good girl, okay? No bad guys and tears. Deal?”
“Ugh, you know how much I suck at dating good guys. I make them hate me.”
“At least promise me you won’t cry over one particular guy anymore, or I will come and kick his ass.”
“I can promise you that.”
Trevor grimaced. “I knew you would say that, because you still care about his ass.”
“Not true.”
“Whatever. But remember my words – if he dares to hurt you again, he’d better find a well-protected place to hide from me.”
“I’ll pass your message to him.”
“Good. Now, come here for one more hug. The plane isn’t going to wait forever. And I guess I’m the last passenger to get aboard.”
I smiled, wished him a safe flight, then waited for him to get through customs and went back to my car, waiting for me outside.
When I got in, I saw an envelope lying on the passenger’s seat. I opened it and found a note written by Trevor.
“It doesn’t matter how far away I am, one call is all I need to come back and save you from everything and everyone that might want to erase that beautiful smile from your face. You are stronger that you think. Remember it. Whatever it is that upsets you, face it and then let it go, say ‘screw it’ and take the first flight to Canada. I might not be a prince charming, but once a beast turned into someone’s love, remember? P.S. Friends don’t let you do stupid things... Alone. So next time you feel like doing something stupid, call me. I will gladly get naughty with you.”
I laughed and put the note back into the envelope. I hoped he would find his love one day, he deserved to be happy. But not with me.
The weather sucked just like my mood. I didn’t want to go back home, so I called Liz and offered my babysitting services. Playing with Liv always made me feel better. Or maybe she simply filled the blank space where I still hoped to see my own kids one day. If I could find a man I would want to have them with of course, which was hard to imagine, considering my high expectations and little desire to share anything but one night with the father-on-paper-to-be.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Three weeks later
The beauty of the scarlet sunset was blinding. It merged with the sky, like a cube of colorful ice in the glass of hot water. Watching it through the window of the airplane brought so many memories to my mind. My trip to the Bahamas wasn’t long, but I enjoyed every second of it, knowing that no Liam would interrupt my peace. For the first time in years, I felt like I was finally free and ready to start a new chapter of my life, where no sad thoughts would take place.
Just when I promised myself to never look back, I felt someone’s arm brush against mine. I turned my head to say hi to whoever was going to sit next to me on my flight back to Pittsburgh, and felt like the ground, or to be exact the floor of the plane shattered beneath me.
“Going home from vacations?” A man in his early thirties asked, smiling.
I felt like the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I knew him… That face, that voice, that familiar twist of his mouth that I still remembered so well kissing, six years ago, in the dark alley behind the club.
It was him – the man who I once agreed to dance with and then almost said good-bye to my life in a pool of my own blood. The man whose face I saw over and over again in my nightmares. The man who ruined me to all the other men living on the planet. The man I had always been afraid to see again.
“Miss, are you okay?” He asked, touching my hand.
I flinched as if his hand was made of fire.
“Miss?” He called again.
He looked a lot different than I remembered, but it was him, no doubt. He was dressed in a suit that looked very expensive; his snow-white shirt contrasted with his tanned skin. Even with no tie, he still looked very business-like. Unlike the night the son of a bitch watched his friend punch me in the face.
“Are you scared of flying?” He asked.
I’m scared of you!
I wish I could tell that it was not true, but the fact remained. I felt like I was trapped again. At least this time there were many people around us, and there was nothing to be afraid of. But the eighteen-year-old girl in me didn’t know that. She felt weak and helpless again.
Why today? Why this plane? Why this seat, right next to mine?
“We should probably ask the stewardess to bring you some water.”
But I was no longer listening. I blinked and tried to call the stewardess, but no words came out of my mouth. Everything went black.
Next thing I remember happening was the doctor’s face leaning over me. His glasses glistened in the lights surrounding him.
“Miss Burk, can you hear me?”
My vision started to clear and I saw other faces, leaning over me. Those were the passengers’ faces. I saw some of them getting aboard with me. One particular face was hard to forget. He was there too now, with his eyes scrutinizing my face.
“What happened?” I asked, trying to remember the moment I passed out.
“You fainted,” the owner of the familiar voice from my past said.
“We had to call an emergency,” one of the stewardesses added.
“How long have I been unconscious?”
The doctor returned my chair to the upright position and I felt my head spinning slightly.
“For about fifteen minutes,” he said. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine, I guess.” I didn’t turn my head to look if the man who was supposed to spend the next four hours by my side was still there. But my sixth sense was telling me that he was close.
“I would recommend you take the next flight to Pittsburgh,” the doctor said. “Your blood pressure is lower than normal.”
“No,” I protested. “I’m fine. Really.” I couldn’t wait to get back home. Even if that meant living through the worst of my nightmares for real.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Positive. But…” I looked for a stewardess. “Can I switch seats with someone else? I guess it’s sitting next to the window that made me feel sick.”
“No problem. You can take one of the seats in the first row.”
“Thank you.”
She helped me up to my feet and accompanied me to my new seat. I smiled at the lady sitting by the window, sat down and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping I would get home before I would lose my mind, or well, before the man who no doubt was still trying to remember where he had seen me remembered the girl he once met in the club.
I still felt a little dizzy, but it was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw him sitting next to me. It was as if I were back in the dark alley, too weak to break out from his grip and too scared to make a move. The fear filled every fiber of my body and mind. I hoped I wouldn’t have another panic attack.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, trying to remember what Stanley once told me about my past – ‘It’s not real, it’s just a memory, bad or good memory, but it doesn’t exist anymore. It lives in your imagination and it’s up to you what to imagine. You can change it as much as you want, because what was there will never happen again.’
Back then, those words were exactly what I needed to hear to make me want to live. Stan insisted on me visiting a therapist, but I refused to follow his advice. I was sure I was okay. I was sure I was strong enough to deal with my fears on my own. And up until today, I was sure I had done a damn good job. But right now, I wasn’t as sure about it anymore.
Liam’s face came into my mind and I felt like crying. I wanted to see him, I needed to see him. Wanted to feel his arms around me and his voice telling me that everything was gonna be okay. That there was nothing to be afraid of.
I asked the stewardess to bring me a cup of tea and took a laptop from my bag to distract myself from the thoughts of the man sitting a few rows away from me. The little distance separating us felt nonexistent. It was as if he was still holding me in his dead-tight embrace, with my body pinned to the brick wall of the club. The sound of his laughter rang in my ears.
