“Of course not. I’ve thought this out. It’s not impossible. I’ll rearrange my hours. You’re always saying I work too much. I’m sure I can cut back if I try. And I’ll get a nanny. Jessica will help us, too. I’m sure of it. I can even take the baby to work sometimes. In a pinch, I mean,” she added, noticing his doubtful expression.
Dan paced across the room and stared out the window. She could see he was trying to gather his composure so that he wouldn’t lose his temper again. She knew it was probably best to wait and say nothing, but she couldn’t help herself.
“Dan, please try to keep an open mind about this. Most women who have children work. Besides, I just can’t stand the idea of some questionable stranger taking Jane. You hear horror stories about children in foster care all the time,” she pointed out. “I just couldn’t sleep, worrying where she might end up next.”
Dan turned to her and sighed. “Emily, I think you’re getting a bit dramatic now. You’re letting your imagination run away with you. The social worker will do her job. The baby will be placed in a safe environment. Why turn our lives upside down? I don’t think you understand what you would be getting us into. There’s a reason why they say, ‘It takes a village,’ ” he reminded her. “I know what it means to have a baby around. Normal life, as we know it, will be over.”
What’s so great about normal life? Emily wanted to rail at him. She felt thoroughly upset and frustrated. Dan was so logical, so practical. Most of the time she admired those traits, even identified with them. But sometimes they caused a big blind spot. The important things in life weren’t always logical.
She forced a measure of calm into her voice. “Listen, I can’t argue with you. Everything you’ve just said is true. But my feelings about this aren’t logical or practical in any way,” she admitted. “They’re just very real and very important to me. I want to take care of this baby, even if it’s only for a short time. I feel . . . it’s meant to be. Can’t you just see this as a compromise?”
“A compromise? A compromise to what?” He frowned at her, looking more confused than angry.
“Do you remember that time you took me out for New Year’s Eve? We were dating but we hadn’t made any commitment. You were still planning to sail off into the sunset without me,” she reminded him with a small smile.
He groaned and made a face. “Oh, yes. The blockhead phase. How could I forget?”
Emily tried not to laugh. “I told you flat out that night that I wanted to get married again and have another baby. Do you remember?”
He nodded. “You were very up front with me. You put your cards right on the table, and I admired your honesty. I also remember that I ran the other way. We didn’t speak to each after that for several weeks.”
“But you couldn’t live without me. You definitely couldn’t leave on your long-awaited sailing trip.”
“No, not without you I couldn’t.” He sighed. “But you have Sara now. You have a wonderful relationship with her. Doesn’t that change things?”
“I thought it would, honestly. But it’s not that simple.”
“I guess not,” he said with more tenderness in his tone. He walked over and sat at the table again, facing her. “Emily, I don’t want to seem like an ogre. I don’t want to disappoint you. But we talked all this out before we got married. We agreed that we weren’t going to start a family. I thought this was all settled between us.”
“I remember. And I’m sorry to go back on my word. But things change. Feelings change. Finding a baby—practically falling over one—changes things for me, Dan.”
She tried hard to keep the impatience and frustration she felt from seeping into her voice. From the flicker in Dan’s eyes, she could see that she hadn’t been entirely successful.
“I know I should be grateful just to have Sara back and have such a wonderful connection with her. You know how much I love her. She’s a miracle to me, honestly. But for so many years, I felt a hole inside after giving her up. And now, even though I have my daughter back, I still feel . . . violated. Like something was stolen from me. Especially when I see Jessica with Tyler,” she added. “It makes me realize how much I’ve missed. Twenty-two years of being a mother, to be exact.”
Dan moved closer and put his arm around her. He pressed his cheek to her hair and kissed her. “I’m so sorry, dear. But you can never make up for that.”
“Maybe not.” Emily put her hand over his where he held her shoulder. “But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.”
Dan had no answer. He tugged her to her feet, put his arms around her, and hugged her close.
“You’ve caught me between a rock and a hard place, my love,” he said finally. “I feel for you, Emily, for all the years and all you went through. I wish I could make it right for you, believe me. But I just can’t see taking on the responsibility of a baby. And taking her temporarily seems like an even worse idea. Once we had the baby here, do you honestly think you could give her up when she’s adopted? Wouldn’t we be setting ourselves up for the same painful situation you went through with Sara?”
Emily pulled back from his embrace. Secretly she had been hoping that once they had the baby, Dan’s feelings would soften and he would agree to applying to adopt. But she could see now that was just a wild fantasy.
Emily did not cry easily. There were countless times when she had felt as if her heart were splitting open yet she had remained dry eyed, holding her grief inside. But now she felt the tears start to flow, and there was nothing she could do to stop them. She covered her eyes and then turned to grab some tissues from the counter.
Dan stood behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Honey, please. Don’t cry. I’m just trying to do the right thing, to do what’s best for everyone—you especially. And the baby.”
She knew he was sincere and did have her best interests at heart, or what he thought were her best interests. Dan wanted the safest course for them, though not necessarily the path that would yield the richest rewards a life fully lived had to offer.
She sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes. “I know you don’t want to see me get hurt again. I agree, that’s a risk. But this isn’t about being safe or logical or even practical. I know this baby wasn’t in our plans, but life can’t always be planned down to the last detail.”
With her back still turned, she couldn’t see his reaction to her words, but she sensed it in his touch.
This was an issue that came up often between them. Dan could be too faithful to his plans at times, like a lemming diving over a cliff just because he was too stubborn to change direction. She had nearly lost him entirely because of that trait. He had grown more flexible since their marriage, she thought, but obviously not flexible enough.
“I know what you mean, Emily,” he answered quietly. He gently rubbed her shoulders. “But this isn’t just a question of me being more laid back and carefree, you know. It’s much more complicated than that—”
“Not at all,” she cut in quickly and turned to face him. “It’s a matter of the heart, plain and simple.” She touched the center of her chest. “After you ran away from me that time, and I thought our relationship was over, my heart was broken. But I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That’s really true.
“This is about loving—experiencing love and giving it, Dan. Even for a short time. Can’t we see our way clear of all the practicalities and reasons why this won’t work, and just take this risk? Can’t you do that for me?”
She stood staring up at him for what seemed like a very long time, not knowing what he would say and dreading the worst.
He let out a long breath and looked down at the floor. For a minute she thought he wasn’t going to answer her at all. Finally he looked up again.
“Oh, Emily. . . .” He sighed. “How soon would we need to decide?”
She could hardly believe his answer and felt a jolt of shock and joy through her entire body. She wanted to jump into his arms.
“Right away. We have to sign the forms and send them back today. You can come down to my office later and we’ll take care of it. Then we need some references from people who know us, and we also get interviewed. We might not even qualify,” Emily added.
“Of course we’ll qualify. You’re a shoo-in.” He smiled slightly. “I should have known something like this was going to happen. But honestly, I’ve been completely blindsided. This is a lot to lay on a guy. You’re not asking to bring home a puppy. This is a real live baby we’re talking about, a miniature person.”
“Yes, I know. She’s a precious little thing,” Emily said. “Wait until you see her. You can come with me tonight to Southport. You won’t believe how beautiful she is.”
“I believe you.” He put his arms around her and pulled her close. “I’m doing this for you, Emily. Because I love you and I can see how much it means to you. I just hope we’re doing the right thing.”
Emily hugged him back with all her might, pressing her cheek against his strong shoulder. “We are, Dan. Trust me . . . and thank you. You’ll never know how much this means to me.”
JESSICA AND SAM’S HOUSE WAS A FEW MILES FROM THE VILLAGE CENTER. Located down the winding Beach Road, it was challenging to reach in bad weather, but whatever the old Victorian house lacked in convenience, it more than made up for in beauty. Trimmed with pine garlands and tapers glowing in each window, it looked even more inviting than usual.
Set on a span of property that included a pond and a flowering meadow, the house had been abandoned for many years when Sam bought it at a bank auction. He had rescued and renovated the place, not realizing that before he was done, he would live there with a wife, and now a family.
Emily normally didn’t pass their house on her way home from Village Hall, but on Thursday afternoon she had been at a meeting in Essex, and she wanted to return one of Jessica’s special cake pans that she borrowed for Thanksgiving. Her cake hadn’t turned out that well, she reflected, though the expensive pan could hardly be blamed.
Once I have the baby around, maybe I’ll learn to be a better cook. The thought made her smile as she turned and steered her Jeep up the long, narrow drive. She parked in front, then noticed the van from Willoughby’s Fine Foods parked farther up the gravel drive. Molly Willoughby, Sam’s sister, was often here at this time of day. Jessica often watched Molly’s two girls after school, and now that Darrell and Tyler had come along, the older kids were helping Jessica with the baby.
Emily liked Molly, a straight-talking, hardworking single mother who had been a Jill-of-all-trades for many years before starting her own gourmet shop and catering business, which was now quite successful. Jessica and her sister-in-law were like night and day in many ways, but over time they had learned to appreciate each other and had become fast friends. It was nearly dinnertime, and Emily guessed the two women were bound to be in the kitchen, chatting and cooking together.
The back door was open. Emily knocked and then poked her head inside. “Hi, everyone. May I come in?”
“Emily, what a nice surprise!” Jessica came to greet her quickly. She wore a long apron over her work clothes, a slim grey skirt and pale pink silk blouse. After the baby was born, Jessica had managed to keep her job at the bank by cutting back to part time. Those were the two sides of Jessica’s personality, Emily thought: her sharp business side and her homemaker side. She seemed to find the time and room for both.
“You look great in that color,” Emily said, kissing her sister hello. She did, too, with her long, dark curly hair and pearly complexion. “You should wear it more often.”
“Didn’t you hear? It’s a law now,” Molly called out from the kitchen. “Everyone has to wear pink at least twice a week.”
Emily laughed as she followed Jessica into the kitchen. “I heard the bill passed the House but is still in the Senate.” She handed Jessica her pan, which was wrapped in a paper bag. “I just wanted to return your pan.”
“Oh, thanks. Why don’t you sit and have some coffee or something?” Jessica coaxed her.
Emily glanced at her watch. “I can stay a few minutes, I guess.” She sat at the big kitchen table, an antique oak pedestal with matching chairs.
Molly was sitting there, too, chopping vegetables on a cutting board.
“What are you two cooking?” Emily asked. “It smells great.”
“Molly’s teaching me how to make a braised pork roast. With sage and leeks,” Jessica added.
Molly kept her focus on the cutting board. “It simmers on top of the stove so it doesn’t dry out.”
“That would be a huge improvement at our house,” Emily said. “Everything I cook tastes like sawdust.”
“Why don’t you call Dan and have him meet you here?” Jessica suggested. “We have plenty.”
“Oh, we can’t. But thanks. Another time,” she added, smiling at her sister. She paused. “I really shouldn’t stay long. I have to get home. We’re having some company tonight, too. Well . . . not company exactly . . .”
The two women glanced at her, their curiosity aroused. “Sara and Luke?” Jessica guessed.
Emily shook her head. “No, it isn’t anything. Well, it is something but . . .”
Molly stopped her chopping and gave Emily a long, mock serious look. “Give it up, Emily. You’re not leaving until you spill the beans.”
Emily took a breath. “Dan and I have applied to be temporary guardians of the baby I found. A social worker is coming tonight to interview us and do a home visit.” She stopped and waited, watching their expressions.
Molly smiled and nodded, then started chopping again. “I had a feeling it was something good. That’s terrific, Emily. I hope it all works out for you.”
Jessica leaned over and hugged her. “That’s great news. Wow, what a surprise.” She sat down near Emily and glanced at her. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Emily could see her sister felt hurt that she hadn’t been let in on the process. They usually told each other everything.
“It just happened so fast, that’s all.” Emily reached out and touched Jessica’s hand. “Dan and I only decided yesterday. I guess I’m a little worried about how it will all turn out.”
“I think it will be fine,” Molly said with great certainty. “Who wouldn’t like you and Dan?”
“Thanks, but I think they look at more than social skills. Dan thinks we might be too old.”
Jessica didn’t respond for a moment. “Well, it is hard work taking care of baby, harder than I ever expected. I’m just exhausted at the end of the day. I’d much rather go in to the bank and work on loan applications,” she added with a laugh.
Emily knew that wasn’t completely true. Since Jessica had returned to work part time, she felt torn about every minute she spent away from Tyler and Darrell.
Still, her reply hadn’t been the vote of confidence Emily had expected. In fact, her sister sounded surprisingly like Dan. And Jessica was ten years younger. Maybe she thinks I’m too old, but doesn’t want to come right out and say it, Emily realized.
“What about your job? Are you going to take a leave of absence?” Jessica asked
“I didn’t even think of that. I’m not sure if I’m eligible. I would probably have to step down altogether if I wanted that much time off.”
Jessica shook her head sympathetically. “It’s going to be hard for you. You work such long hours.”
“I’ll cut back, that’s all. I’m in the office too much as it is. I’ll have to learn to delegate more.”
“What about Dan?” Molly asked curiously. “How does he feel about it?”
“He wasn’t in favor at first,” Emily admitted. “In fact, I think he said it was totally insane. But he’s come around. He’s willing to be a temporary guardian at least.”
“Don’t worry. That baby will have him wrapped around her little finger in no time.” Molly had finished cutting the pile of leeks and whisked them from the board into a large bowl.
Lauren, Molly’s older daughter, came to the doorway. “Tyler needs his diaper changed. And it isn’t pretty, gang.” She made a face that made the women laugh.
Jessica started to get up from the table but Molly was faster. “I’ll go. You sit and visit with Emily. This is big news. She needs some pointers from a pro.”
Jessica hesitated a moment, but then sat down again. “Thanks, Molly. That’s sweet of you.”
Emily sat with Jessica for a moment without either of them talking.
“You don’t seem that happy for me, Jessica,” she said at last. “Do you really think I’m too old? Lots of women have babies in their mid-forties these days.”
Jessica shook her head. “No, that’s not it. I’m sorry, Em. I am happy for you. It’s a surprise, though, I must say. I thought that with Dan retired, you two were going to have a different sort of life—more traveling and being carefree.”
“Dan just got tired of running the newspaper. Calling him retired makes him sound like a senior, for goodness sake. He’s only fifty-one,” Emily pointed out. “We did have a different plan about what our lives would be like, and it didn’t include an infant,” she added truthfully. “Dan and I argued about this, too. But I couldn’t turn my back on this baby.”
“I can see that,” Jessica said quietly. “Do you think it has something to do with me having Tyler? I often thought that must be hard for you, considering what happened with Sara.”
Emily nodded, moved by her sister’s honesty. “Yes, that was part of it. I won’t deny it . . . but it was more than that. Something seems to be pushing me in this direction. Did you ever feel that way?” she asked her sister. “As if something was really meant to be? As if God was trying to tell you something? Even when you resist, you find yourself back in the same place again.”
Jessica nodded. “I guess I’ve felt that way once or twice. But you need to be careful, too, Emily. You said this was only a temporary arrangement. What happens after that? Will Dan agree to adopt the baby if that’s what you really want?”
The Christmas Angel Page 8
