by Tee Ayer
How selfish was I to be thinking only of myself at a time like this?
When we reached Dad, he held our shoulders and guided us to a small seat that had been carved out of the wall. A soft cushion covered the stone and Grams and I sat while Dad and Iain crouched before us.
“Corin?” Grams said softly, her question hanging in the air between them.
He simply nodded and I looked from his face to Iain’s. My brother was my hero and to see his own face filled with grief and helplessness wasn’t in the least bit comforting. I remained silent though, waiting for them to explain.
Dad looked over at me. “I’m sorry, Kai. This is hard for you, I know. It’s not the easiest thing to endure.”
I shook my head in agreement though nobody had as yet explained what exactly was going on.
Then Grams reached forward and patted Dad’s cheek. “It’ll be okay, honey. I’ve been through this. Too many families have experienced this same trauma. We are not alone now, or even in the future. And if Niko was able to accept this and move on, then I’m sure Greer will too.”
And there it was.
Niko.
Uncle Niko was Dad’s big brother. We knew him as the stoic, quiet man who came to family gatherings, said little and departed leaving everyone feeling relieved. Nobody had ever mentioned that he too had had trouble with his Change. Truth be told, nobody ever discussed it even when it was rumored to have occurred. But we did learn all about it in Physiology and Biology classes.
Pariah.
Even the thought of the affliction made me want to shiver but I controlled myself and waited in silence as Dad nodded and glanced over at Greer’s partially transformed body.
People were moving in the cave now and I watched as they were guided out by the priestess’s two handmaids. As they left, some threw worried looks over at Greer. Some though, weren’t particularly upset to see the Alpha family going through a little more trouble.
I was young but I wasn’t obtuse. There were those who wanted Dad’s position as Alpha, those that treated us as second-class citizens because Mom had abandoned us.
Many of the expressions were satisfied or blank, as though they were forcing themselves to remain unaffected just until they left the cave of course.
I shifted my attention to Dad when the priestess made her way to us and sat beside Grams.
“I’m so sorry to tell you this, Ivy. But I think you may already know,” she said giving Dad a knowing glance. He nodded in silence and the priestess patted his shoulder. “Sadly we know there isn’t much to be done about this. We just have to make her comfortable until she resumes her human form again.”
“Do we know how long?” asked Iain, his expression blank.
She shook her head. “Hours? Possibly days depending on how long she fights it. She’ll have her own internal battle with her panther. Only when she’s reached a point of understanding with her inner self, however reluctant, will she awaken. I’ve known such transitions to last days.”
“The longer it takes the worse the condition, I believe,” said Grams softly.
The priestess shifted to look at Grams. “Sadly, that is the truth of it. Especially if there is a family experience with this sort of thing. She may fight harder simply because she knows of Niko’s personal struggle. I can only hope that she will not take too long. The longer she stays under the more dangerous it will be for her health and her sanity.”
“What if she doesn’t wake up?” I asked, appalled to hear my thoughts voiced out loud.
The priestess nodded as though my question was actually valid. “There are very, very rare cases where the walker hasn’t awakened. But I don’t believe she will stay under too long. She’s got spirit and she’s a fighter.”
The priestess seemed to believe her words had given me comfort because she gave me a gentle smile and reached out to draw the mark of Ailuros on my forehead with her thumb. Then she got to her feet.
“I know you may wish to remain here. If you do so, please rest assured that we will endeavor to make you as comfortable as possible.”
Then she left our little family alone to mourn a sort of death….
8
Wild
On her way out, the priestess had lifted her head and glanced over her shoulder toward the door. Two more of the handmaidens walked inside and both were bearing trays which they brought to us and set down in an alcove beside us.
Gouged from the rock wall much like the seats we now occupied, the level of the stone platform was higher and provided a table space where the two girls set their trays and filled tall glasses with iced tea, then removed the covers from plates of sandwiches and pastries.
Food shouldn’t have been at the top of my mind but my mouth watered as the aroma of freshly baked mini pies and spring rolls wafted toward me. I blinked and tried to ignore the strange and sudden hunger that seemed to have taken possession of me.
Was it something to do with Greer’s condition? Was I needing to eat to fill the hole I felt inside my stomach? Whatever it was, I was determined to ignore it. Dad and Grams were talking and after grabbing a few pies, I honed in on their words.
“We have to be prepared,” he was saying as I downed the mini savory pies.
I frowned. “Prepared for what? Do you really think she will die? I didn’t mean what I said,” my voice was rising as I spoke, almost choking on pastry crumbs as fear filled me to the brim that perhaps I may have spoken Greer’s death into existence.
But Grams put her arm around my shoulders and squeezed as Dad answered. “No, Kai. I don’t honestly believe she will die. Death under these circumstances is rare. What I’m more concerned with is Greer’s mental state when she finally awakes.”
I nodded, almost feeling the energy from my sister’s prone form reaching out to suffocate me. I felt bad to think such thoughts but suddenly I knew life was going to be ten times more miserable with a Greer who was filled with anger and frustration rather than simple pettiness.
“Will she get therapy?” I asked softly, studying Dad’s face.
He nodded, though his brow was knitted in a deep frown. “Therapy is compulsory. I’ll have Dr Redman come over as soon as possible. Although from the looks of it, I’m pretty sure he’d already have the heads up.”
“Are people going to judge us for this?” I asked, my voice suddenly loud and echoing around the cave. Dad lifted an eyebrow and I added, “I mean…some of them already seem to resent that we are Alpha, and Mom leaving us just made things so much worse. Now this?” I knew that I sounded like I was blaming my sister for her condition but I didn’t correct my insinuation. Seemed every time I opened my mouth the words came out wrong.
Dad shook his head then squeezed my knee. “It’s not going to be easy. For any one of us. But we will get through it as a family. I promise.”
I swallowed and then looked at Grams for a moment before I met my brother’s gaze. “Is she going to be angry with me? I think she’s going to be angry with me.” I spoke almost on a whisper.
“Why would you say that, dear?” asked Grams although I knew the tone she was using. She knew what I meant but she simply wanted me to say it out loud.
I shrugged one shoulder and looked at my hands. Otherwise I may have glanced over at Greer with her platinum hair cascading off the stone altar and maybe, just maybe my jealousy and resentment toward her would have been revealed in my eyes.
Still staring at my fingers all twisted into a knot in my lap, I said, “She’s already so angry with me all the time. What if she really hates me now that I’ve had my Sacrament and she’s Pariah?”
Dad let out a soft sigh and I almost flinched. I looked up, wanting to see his face and to see the frustration or impatience or whatever in his eyes. But instead, all I saw was sadness and compassion. He shifted to his feet and came to sit beside me.
Then he took my hands in his and squeezed them. “I know what it’s like to have a sibling be Pariah. I wish I could tell you now that this will all be
okay, that it’s not going to be all that bad. But I can’t lie to you or to myself. What happens in the days and months and years to come is going to be hard for everyone. She’ll wake up and be disappointed and angry. Maybe she’ll put on a brave face or maybe she’ll be angry and take her sadness out on us.”
When he said us I knew he meant me. He wasn’t oblivious to how she treated me. I’d always known that he could see it but that he preferred to let us work things out between the two of us. I don’t believe he ever understood that wasn’t possible.
Dad rubbed my hands again. “I know how this feels, Kai. It’s sad and scary and it will make us all angry. Not just Greer.”
I swallowed a sigh. “So what will happen to her now that she can’t shift?” I asked, my voice shuddering.
A new voice said, “Nothing will happen to her. Life goes on even if you are Pariah.” Uncle Niko walked into the save, spine stiff as he stared at Greer for a long moment.
Then he walked over to us and gave Grams a kiss on the cheek then reached out to ruffle my hair as though I was still a kid. I shifted my head out of reach, probably not the smartest move given the circumstances, but he didn’t appear to be bothered by it. Dad stood and the brothers shook hands though there seemed to be a strange energy between them that I couldn’t define.
Uncle Niko glanced over at Greer and then looked back at the gathered family. “It’s going to be tough. For you guys and her. She’ll hate herself and she’ll hate you all. She’ll want to lash out but because her panther won’t come fully to the fore she’ll feel subdued and controlled. I’m afraid she may even go wild.”
“Go wild?” I asked even as Grams and Dad began shaking their heads as though that option wasn’t on the table.
Niko looked over at me, his eyes seemingly expressionless, as though he lacked the ability to reveal his emotions—if he felt any emotions. “It’s something that in my experience many Pariah end up doing. Sometimes, as a means to feel something or to forget, and sometimes just to make a point, to rebel or to belong.”
I shook my head. He still hadn’t explained what he’d meant. Dad cleared his throat as he looked over at me. “There are walkers, some of whom who are unable to shift, who form sub-clans, almost like small gangs. They have a different code of ethics, a different set of beliefs that set them apart from the rest of the walkers.”
Grams grunted. “If you ask me the fact that so many of those clans are run by walkers who are not Pariah, should be a good reason to weed them all out. All they do is take advantage of our weak.”
Niko glared at her. “Mom, if you think the Pariah are weak, you’re very mistaken.” There was an edge of steel in his voice.
“No, dear. I meant vulnerable more than anything. Walkers in essence are not a weak species, Pariah or not. But Pariah are vulnerable especially when they first discover they are unable to shift. That time of turmoil when your emotions are all mixed up, you are easy pickings for people like the leaders of these gangs.”
Niko nodded slowly but there was a cold expression in his gaze, one which disappeared quickly as he turned his attention to me. “Whatever you do, don’t ever assume Greer is weak because she cannot take her panther form. Pariah are different, that’s not in the least deniable. But we are still strong and still capable of making decisions like the rest of our kin. Greer simply needs a guiding hand, someone to help steer her through the worst of it.”
“And you’re proposing this person be you?” Dad asked, eyes flashing with something I couldn’t identify. Either way, his tone told me that all wasn’t well between the brothers, no matter how much they pretended.
Niko smirked, his lip curling almost in a feline way. His expression made me wonder if Pariah’s were able to speak or function in their half-transformed form. Then he said, “I am here if she needs me. But just keep in mind that if you do try to control her, the reaction will be way worse than say…if you tried to control Kai.” He flicked a finger in my direction. “She’ll awaken from this half-shift state, possibly unable to change back for days. And the more you try to appease her or coddle her or guide her, the angrier she will become because she will know that none of you know what it’s like to be Pariah. It’s only natural that she would want to be in the company of people who truly understand her. When that time comes, I will be there for her because I know what she is feeling.”
Silence reigned in the wake of Uncle Niko’s monologue.
9
Rabid
Dad seemed to stiffen at the prospect that Greer would seek Uncle Niko out because they would understand each other better. Even Grams tensed beside me though she didn’t say anything.
I understood then that something else was going on that had to do with Dad and his brother.
Then Dad said, “I’m hoping we are able to help her and that she won’t need to seek anyone else out. But if she does then I know I can trust you to take care of her.” There was something in his tone that sounded very much like a threat. Or an instruction. If she comes to you, you better make damn sure you take care of her because if anything happens to her, I’ll happily rip you to shreds.
I could almost hear my father’s words in my head. Niko was silent for a moment but then all he did was bow his head to his Alpha and show his respect. “Of course, brother. You can trust me to look after her. Although, I don’t really believe in clipping the wings of a wild bird. I’ll guide her as much as I can but I won’t be able to stifle her.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Iain who’d remained silent all through the conversation. “Are you saying if she wants to go nuts and be wild then you’d stand by and let her do that?”
Niko looked around to study my brother’s face. “Iain, if you were in her position, trapped within a human shell, forever incapable of fully transforming and being one with your true nature, and the only out you had was to experience some form of freedom from time to time, would you not take it?”
The question was weighty and Iain fell silent as he considered Niko’s words. Then he nodded. “I understand what you mean but we’re civilized people. There’s no reason to allow ourselves to cross the line to being rabid just because our wings are clipped.” Iain drew air quotes, his tone hardening.
Niko laughs softly. “You’re still young. Time will take those highbrow attitudes from you sure enough. Yes, we’re civilized. But look what happened in Salem? And all across Europe? How many centuries have we had to suffer persecution at the hands of humans?”
I frowned then looked up at Dad’s face. Why had Niko shifted his argument to a position of being against human? We were talking about Greer and her condition but now he was ranting on about human persecution of shifters?
Iain shook his head. “I’m not sure what you’re on about. All I’m interested in is my sister’s safety. If she comes to you and you take care of her the way we would, then we’d be grateful. Then we can trust you. But what you’re saying now makes it sound like we can’t really trust you to keep her safe. You’re implying you will allow her to run free, to go rabid? You must know how crazy that sounds?”
Blood rushed in my head. Was that really what Niko meant? To let Greer go rabid? That wasn’t something to joke about so I knew Iain had a genuine concern. I’d heard about walkers going rabid.
My friend Justin had recently told me about his cousin who had to be incarcerated to ensure he didn’t feed on living humans. Even the thought made me want to throw up.
But that’s what walkers did when they went rabid. It was crazy hair-raising stuff. And from what Justin said, the rabid walkers are sometimes cannibals. They don’t see a difference between human and walkers.
Niko waved a hand at Iain. “Don’t be silly, boy. You’re twisting my words. All I meant is that I will allow Greer enough freedom to make her own choices.”
“And if she was stupid enough to make the choice to go rabid would you send her home where we can take care of her and keep her safe? Would you do that?”
Niko
snorted. “Send her back to you so you can put her in a prison? You want to keep her safe but what you don’t understand is that safety is sometimes the worst kind of prison.”
My heart thumped as his words resonated deep inside me. I felt a little ill knowing his words were arguing for something that was innately sickening to me, yet held a meaning that resonated in me, deep down somewhere those words felt like a lifeline. I don’t yet know what it meant.
Grams got to her feet. “Nothing is going to happen without my say-so.” Both her sons turned their heads to look at her and I studied the pair of them. Both tall, though Niko was slightly stooped, probably from hours bent over his test tubes and Petri dishes. Both handsome.
My uncle had always kept himself a little apart from us kids. He’d come and gone regularly, and we would see him at events, though he’d keep to himself and usually end up leaving early. I did remember though that he’d had a soft spot for Greer. He’d give her gentle smiles and comforting looks as though they shared some sort of secret.
Greer, on the other hand, hadn’t behaved in any way to confirm they talked more than at family get-togethers. So what had that meant? The way he’d watch her, and the pieces of advice he’d given her? Were Pariah able to sense another Pariah even before their time of Change?
I had to add that question to my list of other questions because at that moment Greer began to have a seizure. The sound of choking came from the altar and everyone surged toward her.
Then Grams was lifting her neck to make sure her air passage was clear, opening her mouth to check her tongue, Iain and Dad were holding her legs and arms as she thrashed. Niko stood a foot back, watching with a secretive sort of smile that sent shivers down my spine.
