When her tears were spent she felt a profound sense of quiet wash over her. She hadn’t actually planned to spend the day in prayer. But here she was, in a church, on her knees. She had just broken down and poured out all of her grief. Maybe now it was time to seek peace.
She closed her eyes and searched for an inner quiet. As she found it, and sank into it, once again she was aware that part of Claire was with her. Cassie herself had never experienced such a sense of calm. Both her mind and her body stilled and she truly felt the presence of God around and within her. She didn’t pray for anything. It was enough to simply be there, feeling surrounded by love and comfort.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d stayed like that, lost in her meditation, when she realized she wasn’t alone. She looked up to find that Father Paul stood nearby.
“Father, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear ye come in.”
“Ye’ve nothing to be sorry for. Ye were clearly deep in prayer and I didn’t want to interrupt ye. But ye’ve been on yer knees now for quite a while. Maybe ye’d like to sit with me and talk?”
She nodded, thinking this might be exactly what she needed.
He held a hand out to her and she allowed him to help her to her feet and guide her to a bench.
“Now, child, Lady Ranald was concerned about ye. She seems to believe ye’re struggling to discern yer vocation. But seeing ye deep in prayer, well, ye don’t seem conflicted to me.”
“Honestly, Father, I’m not. I know I must return to the abbey.” That was true.
“I see. However, telling me that ye must return to the abbey isn’t quite the same thing as feeling God is calling ye to the religious life.”
She didn’t want to lie but she couldn’t tell him the whole truth. And yet, perhaps she could tell him enough. “Nay, it isn’t quite the same. I’m still not certain what my vocation is. Perhaps I am meant to take holy vows. Perhaps it’s God’s will that I marry. What I am absolutely certain of is that I am not intended to be Tavish Ranald’s wife.”
“Why would ye say that? It appeared to me that the two of ye were growing fond of each other.”
“I am fond of him. In fact I’m very fond of him. I might even love him.”
“Then why would ye say ye weren’t intended to be his wife?”
She sighed. “Father, when I arrived, it became immediately obvious to me that Tavish was irritated by my very presence.” She told the priest about the afternoon when she’d informed Tavish he was behaving like an arse.
That caused the priest to chuckle. “And what did Sir Tavish say to that?”
“That he wasn’t ready to marry.”
“Child, in my experience many young men don’t think they’re ready to marry but once they meet the right lass, that all changes.”
“Perhaps so, Father, but that’s actually the problem. Tavish has met the right lass for him—it just isn’t me. And he’s not willing to marry one woman when he loves another.”
“He loves someone else?”
“Aye, apparently someone he can never have.”
“That’s…unfortunate.”
Unfortunate was an understatement. It sucked ditch water. “Aye, Father. Unfortunate.”
“Still, if he truly can’t have her—well he has to marry. In time he could grow to love ye too.”
“Perhaps. But I’m not willing to marry a man whose heart lies elsewhere.”
“But—”
“Nay, Father. I have been someone’s second thought for far too much of my life. I don’t want to live the rest of my days as the one he settled for. I don’t deserve that. Honestly, I fear the pain of unrequited love is worse than being alone.”
He appeared to consider her words. “Aye, when ye put it that way, I can offer no argument. But if ye knew this about Tavish from yer first days here, why did ye stay?”
She bowed her head, embarrassed. “For a very selfish reason, Father. I wanted to experience a different life, but from the start I intended to return. Once everything was in the open with Tavish, I decided there would be no harm in staying for a while.”
“Why do I think there is a ‘but’ waiting at the end of that sentence?”
“Because there was harm in it. I’ve grown fond of the Ranalds. Laird and Lady Ranald believe that we intend to go through with the betrothal and clearly they want that. Perhaps worst of all, after assuring Tavish he wouldn’t break my heart, I’ve managed to fall for him anyway.”
“Ah, I see.”
“By all that’s good and holy, I didn’t wish to hurt anyone.”
“Of course not, child. I’m confident ye’d never choose to intentionally cause harm. Ye’re a good lass. But ye can’t take holy vows if ye aren’t certain that’s what ye’re called to do.”
“I know, Father. But perhaps the answers will be clearer if I return to the abbey, at least for a while.”
“I’m not certain about that. Maybe it would be better for ye to return home.”
“The abbey is my home.”
He nodded sagely. “I suppose it is. So tell me this. Was yer decision to spend the day in prayer only to help ye try to understand God’s will for ye?”
She shook her head slowly.
“Ye’re cutting ties?”
“Aye. My brother will be here soon. I intend to leave with him whether it is to Lewis or St. Avoca’s. I didn’t want it to come as a shock to Laird and Lady Ranald when it happens.”
He sighed. “Aye, that’s probably for the best. But ye can’t stay in the chapel all day, every day until yer brother arrives.”
“Nay, I can’t. But if I spend a few hours in prayer every day, it will help create some needed distance.”
“Aye, I suppose it will. And as long as ye promise me ye’ll only take vows if ye believe ye’re truly called, ye can count on my support.”
“Thank ye, Father. I promise I will not make the decision lightly or in haste.”
~ * ~
Tavish had felt a keen sense of disappointment that morning when Claire had refused to go with him. He was certain that something was bothering her. Worse, he feared that if she felt called to hours of prayer, she was on the verge of a decision that he didn’t want to hear.
He thought back to the day she called him an arse. He smiled and corrected himself. As she’d pointed out that day, she didn’t call him an arse, she said he was behaving like an arse, to which he’d agreed. They had been honest with each other. Neither of them wished to be married. She’d been the one to propose that they would both benefit if they continued with the pretense of getting to know one another in advance of a betrothal. She’d experience life outside the abbey and perhaps he’d get used to the idea of allowing a woman into his life.
Then a little over a week ago he had put everything on the table. He’d told her he loved someone else. For such a young woman who’d led so sheltered a life, she’d given him sound advice. Ultimately, it was that advice that allowed him to finally let go of his past and open his heart to her.
The problem was, he’d forgotten that she didn’t want to marry him—that they had an agreement. And much to his dismay, it appeared she had abided by their agreement and didn’t return his feelings.
Still, maybe he only needed to tell her. Perhaps if he let her know he realized he’d held onto his past for too long, she might think about sharing her life with him. He’d intended to do that today, but was thwarted. However, he was confident there would be other chances. He’d make every effort to speak to her as soon as possible. In fact, he’d ask her to go for a walk with him tonight after supper.
Unfortunately, when he arrived home that evening, it seemed fate was playing a cruel trick. Laird Morrison had arrived. Claire hadn’t seen her brother in over ten years. Tavish couldn’t pull her away from his company tonight.
As Tavish entered the great hall, the evening meal was nearly ready to be served. Coll stood near the hearth with Da, tankards of ale in their hands.
“Tavish,” called his father. “I was begi
nning to wonder if ye’d miss the evening meal. How does the harvest seem to be coming?”
“Quite well. Yesterday’s rain had very little effect. Today was warm and dry enough that the grain harvest could resume by midmorning. If the weather holds, it should be completed in a few days. The vegetable harvest appears to be abundant this year too. It isn’t finished, but our stores of onions, carrots, parsnips, and turnips will be plentiful.”
His father beamed. “Excellent. Now, son, I believe ye know Coll—Laird Morrison?”
“Aye, Da.” Tavish offered Coll his hand. “I’m sorry for yer recent losses, Laird Morrison.”
Coll returned the handshake. “Please, just call me Coll. And thank ye. It has been an adjustment.”
“No doubt.” Tavish motioned for a serving maid to bring him a tankard of ale. As he did he glanced around the hall, looking for Claire but not finding her. “And where is yer lovely sister this evening?”
His father answered. “Coll’s ship has only just made harbor. He hasn’t seen her yet. She was already in her chamber, readying herself for the evening meal, when he arrived.”
Just as his father said that, Claire emerged from the tower stairs. Tavish smiled broadly at her. “Here she is now.” But one look at her made the smile on his lips die. She was pale, her hands clenched and unclenched nervously, and she looked guarded, almost scared.
Putting himself between her and her brother, he crossed the hall. Something was wrong, but he had no idea what it was. When he reached her he took her hands in his. Softly, he asked, “Is everything all right?”
“Aye, of course,” she said, not making eye contact.
“Claire, look at me.”
She did and he looked into her eyes. The crystal blue depths were filled with apprehension. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I just…well…it’s only that, I don’t know Coll. He’s my brother and an absolute stranger.”
Tavish should have realized this might happen. Of course she would feel anxious. “Then, come and meet him,” he said gently.
“I’m not ready. I didn’t realize he would be arriving so soon.”
He smiled at her. “Ye sound like I did on the day ye arrived.”
“Now I know what ye felt like on that day,” she said, looking no less worried.
He squeezed her hands. “Claire, ye’ve nothing to fear. He’s yer brother. Come and meet him.” Then he released her hands and offered her his arm.
After a moment’s hesitation, she nodded and took it.
~ * ~
Cassie had stayed in her chamber as long as she could after she’d been told that Claire’s brother had arrived. She wasn’t Claire. What if she said or did something giving that fact away? What if he called her on it? She didn’t know how she’d handle it. She knew she had to go downstairs but it had taken every ounce of her courage to do so.
Then the moment she stepped into the hall she froze, her courage dissipating. Panic rose within her. The man talking to Tavish and Laird Ranald had to be Coll Morrison. The family resemblance between him and the woman who stared back at Cassie from the looking glass was strong.
Cassie didn’t know what to say or how to greet him.
Clearly Tavish had been able to read her distress and knew something was wrong. Although she had made herself a promise to keep her distance from him both physically and emotionally, at this moment she couldn’t. She needed his help to get through her first meeting with Claire’s brother. She took the arm he offered her.
He led her toward Claire’s brother. “Coll, I know it has been years since ye’ve seen yer sister, and I suspect she’s changed a fair bit.” Tavish grinned roguishly.
A broad smile spread across Coll Morrison’s face. “Aye, she’s changed, but I’d know my wee sister anywhere.” He opened his arms. “Claire, it’s so good to see ye again.”
Cassie hesitated, looking Coll directly in the eye for the first time. Flashes of images—memories that were not her own—sped through her brain. And her heart was filled with both a sense of great love and deep sorrow.
Tavish urged her forward, but it wasn’t necessary. Cassie stepped into Coll’s embrace and allowed the warmth of it to fill her. In spite of everything, she knew Claire loved her brother.
He held her a moment before saying, “Claire…I’m sorry.”
Cassie stepped back so she could look up at him. “For what, Coll? Ye’ve nothing to be sorry about. “Our,” she hesitated, unable to say father, “our laird made decisions for all of us and we abided by them.”
“I know, sweetling. But ye’ve been away for so long.”
She smiled at him. “Still, ye had nothing to do with that. Let’s let the past rest. Naught can be gained by dwelling on it.”
Coll took her hands in his. “Ye’ve grown into a lovely woman, Claire. In every way.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek.
Instantly, a deep peace suffused Cassie. Gertrude had told her that she usually offers someone the pocket watch because there is something they must discover or do where they will be going. But in this case, she’d said giving her the gift was enough. Cassie thought that was because simply popping into Claire’s body saved the girl from a horrible fate. But now she realized there were other benefits. Without a doubt, she knew Coll would have blamed himself if something had happened to Claire because of his decisions. The guilt would have weighed him down for the rest of his life, forever changing him.
“Thank ye, Coll.”
“And ye’ve enjoyed these last weeks away from the abbey?” His tone was so hopeful.
“Aye, my time here has been very pleasant. The Ranalds have been gracious hosts. Ye were right, I needed to leave the abbey to be able to see things more clearly.”
A smile split Coll’s face. “So ye’ve decided to accept the betrothal?”
She hated what she was about to do. Even so, she had no choice but to continue on the course she’d begun. “Nay, I didn’t say that. I did need the time away to fully understand what I wanted. And what I want is to return to the abbey.”
Coll appeared surprised. She glanced around at the other men. Laird Ranald looked confused, as if he hadn’t heard her correctly. But for some unknown reason, Tavish looked stunned. How could that be? This was the plan from the start.
“But, Claire, lass,” said Laird Ranald, “ye’ve seemed so happy and content.”
She turned to face him. “I have been very happy, Laird. Ye’ve all been exceedingly kind to me. But my happiness also stems from the fact that I know what I want now.”
“Ye want to take holy vows?” asked Coll.
Damn. She couldn’t lie to him any more than she could Father Paul. “I’m not absolutely certain yet. But I believe my answers lie at the abbey.”
Coll’s expression grew stern and unreadable. “Claire, I understand the attachment ye have to the abbey and the sisters there. However, if ye haven’t decided whether ye’re called to the religious life or not, I don’t think locking yerself away in an abbey again will help ye.”
“But, Coll—”
He put up a hand. “Nay, Claire. We are not going to discuss this now. Ye’ve only been here a little more than five weeks. There’s no reason to make any decisions tonight.”
She started to speak again and he stopped her. “I said, not now. We will have a chance to talk privately another time.”
Cassie sighed and said no more. He was right. This was neither the time, nor the place to argue about the future. She had the luxury of a little time. She could wait and work to persuade him subtly over the next days.
Chapter 15
Claire’s admission had shocked Coll. From everything Laird Ranald had said, he believed his sister was happy here and seemed to have a growing fondness for Tavish.
This had only been reinforced when she arrived in the great hall. She had seemed nervous and unsure of what to do. Coll could only imagine how upset, even angry, she must be with him. According to what the Mother Abbess had told Sir Gordon, Cl
aire hadn’t wanted to leave. The day they arrived at the abbey with his missive, she had apparently not taken it well and begged the Reverend Mother to allow her to stay. However, by the next morning, it seemed Claire had accepted his directive and had decided to try to make the most it.
Seoc and Tavish Ranald had also been surprised by Claire’s request to return to the abbey. When Lady Ranald joined them only moments later, and learned the news, Coll thought she looked ready to burst into tears.
As he watched Claire that evening, he didn’t know what to think. She was quiet and reserved, but based on remarks made by the Ranalds this was unusual. He supposed both his arrival and unwillingness to discuss her return to the abbey was the reason.
Perhaps he should just let her go back. After all, what did he know about anything? Particularly, how was he supposed to know what was best for his eighteen-year-old sister who was a stranger to him? Coll was only twenty-three himself and had never imagined that he’d become Laird of his clan. But fate has a way of changing things. With his father’s and older brother’s deaths, the mantle of leadership fell to him, whether he was ready for it or not. And along with it came the responsibility for his younger siblings.
He could only follow his best instincts. And the more he thought about it, the more firmly he believed Claire didn’t belong in an abbey. Therefore, he certainly would not agree to send her back until he had more to go on. He simply wasn’t willing to let her make that choice yet.
When the evening meal was over, Claire rose and said, “Please excuse me. It’s been a long day.”
“Don’t leave us so soon, Claire,” said Lady Ranald. “Won’t ye join me for a game of backgammon?”
The Gift: The Pocket Watch Chronicles Page 13
