by Rutter, M J
A loud, high pitched noise seemed to drill into my head, the ping in my ears caused excruciating pain and when I opened my eyes, all I could see was a blinding white light.
I tried to sit up and a firm arm pinned me down, “Don’t move, Kaden.” They told me.
“I have to go to Skylar’s,” I insisted.
“You are in an ambulance, sir, you need to stay lying down.” She explained.
“You don’t… you don’t understand, I have to talk to Skylar.”
“I will contact her for you, but you need to stay there.” She said forcefully.
I felt incredibly comfortable, the sterile scent told me I was in a hospital bed, but I had no idea of how long I had been there. The room was dimly lit with a bedside lamp and it looked like it was night from the darkness at the window.
Skylar.
I sat up and pushed my covers off, my head still hurt, but I had to go, I had to talk to her. I was wearing a hospital gown and gazed around the room as the door opened. A nurse with blonde hair raced over to me.
“Mr. West, you need to stay in your bed.”
“I am not Mr. West, my name is Kaden Wright and I need to go, I have to see someone.” I insisted as she assisted me getting back into bed.
“Skylar has been sent for, Detective Bradshaw is bringing her here,” she explained. “She’s on her way.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“You have not been taking very good care of yourself. Your meds require a balanced diet and adequate rest and you’ve had neither. When was the last time you ate a meal or got a good night’s sleep?”
“So, you think she’ll come?” I asked ignoring her question.
“She’d be crazy not to,” she smiled and left the room.
I rested my head back on the pillow and waited. A short while later the door slowly opened and she entered the room. I could tell instantly something was up, but I tried to ignore those sympathy filled eyes and her twitching hands as she tried to think of something to say, they had obviously told her what was wrong and now I had lost every chance I had at a normal relationship with her, because she would feel obligated to be there for me and that was the last thing I wanted.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Just another migraine,” I lied.
“So, you wrote a song,” she smiled slightly.
“Yes, it was how I felt.”
“And now, do you still feel that way now?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I frowned and gazed at my fingers resting in my lap.
“I see and is this because they have just told me that you are sick and you want to push me away or is it how you really feel?” I lifted my eyes. “That was the problem all along, you couldn’t commit to me because you didn’t want me to know you were sick.”
“Maybe at first, but I’m not as bad as I thought, the doctor at the other hospital told me I was okay, that I had a slight strain, its nothing to worry about.”
“Kaden, you have…” she frowned.
“I know what I have,” I barked, “but it’s not as bad as you think.”
“Still, if you had told me I could have…”
“What? Taken care of me? I don’t need a nursemaid, Skylar, this is exactly why I didn’t tell you.”
“So, you didn’t trust me enough to tell me who you really were or that you are sick?” she crossed her arms, teacher mode was coming back.
I stared at her for a while, “What did you want me to say? ‘Hey I am Kaden, though you might know me as the bad ass, dick of a rock star Max West. I ran away from my band because the doctors told me I have MS, the same thing that killed my dad!’ Yeah, that would have sounded great to anyone.”
“You know what I meant,” she grumbled and sat on the chair. So at least she was staying. “I didn’t know it killed your dad, but then how could I? You haven’t really told me anything about you or your life and before you go making assumptions, I have my own mind and opinion and I am here because I want to be, because I have fallen completely and totally in love with you. I don’t care if you have MS, Kaden, it’s a bump in the road.”
“A bump in the road, huh, do you know anything about it? Do you know that in a few years’ time, I may not even be able to wipe my own ass?”
“Well, if you think I will do that for you, you can think again,” she smirked.
“You shouldn’t have to do anything for me, I won’t let you.” I grumbled. She stood from the chair and moved towards me. “You don’t need this in your life,” I added.
“Stop telling me what I don’t need,” she frowned and perched on the edge of the bed, she lifted my hand and gazed at my fingers. “In the song you said you can’t promise me that you’ll stay, what did you mean?”
“MS will kill me, it may be in six months or six years…”
“Or sixty years if you look after yourself,” she lifted her head and gazed into my eyes, “I’ll take whatever you can give me, Kaden, if its six months, then I will spend them loving you.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” I sighed.
“You are not asking me for anything, I am telling you how it’s going to be. You have me, whether or not you want me, I am here and I am not going anywhere.”
“Skylar,” I frowned as emotion pricked at my eyes, “I won’t do that to you, you deserve better,” I swallowed hard at the lump forming in my throat.
“I am not going anywhere, even if you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you, it’s fine, I can live with that.”
“Are you crazy?” I smiled trying to fight the tears in my eyes, “I love you, Skylar.” She fell into my arms and held me as I fought hard to get back on that fragile edge of control. As she moved her head from my shoulder, she placed her lips to mine and kissed me tenderly. Man, I had missed her and for a few moments I truly believed she meant what she said.
We kissed for a while and talked the evening away. They wanted me to stay in so that could monitor me over night. Skylar informed me that her car had been stolen and couldn’t leave even if she wanted to. I didn’t mind. I honestly think that if she had left, I may have made a run for it.
She yawned several times so I scooted over so she could lay with me for a while. Yes, I loved her and I had finally admitted it, but that didn’t mean I had to stay, I had a plan and leaving the east coast was top of my list. She’d thank me for it, eventually.
While she slept soundly on the bed, I got dressed and crept out of the room. I hurried down the hospital corridor and out into the night air. I hailed a cab and once at the hotel, I collected my bag and belongings they had placed in the safe for me, hurried out to my car and started the engine. I had been an idiot and I had allowed her in, this would never happen again, I would make sure of it.
I drove all night and most of the following day non-stop until I pulled on to my driveway. I hurried into my house and packed up everything I could. Before leaving I wrote her a letter explaining how I would not ruin her life anymore. Seeing her with Devin confirmed to me that she could have the chance of a happy life, not one looking after someone who didn’t deserve it.
I boarded the plane bound for LA at twelve with Parker at my side, I let him think that I was going back, but I would leave again and this time no one would find me, I would avoid teachers and their dumb dogs, I would go into hiding, maybe even head to Barrow in Alaska. There had to be somewhere I could go.
I thought about her all the way home though, I thought about her constantly and how badly I had left it. It had taken courage for her to choose to stay with me and I acted like a coward, running away and hiding, why, because I couldn’t allow someone to look after me? During that eight hour flight I had a lot of time to think about life and how hard it would be to go through it without someone as kind and caring as Skylar was.
As everyone stood out of their seats to leave the plane, I sat there, I couldn’t move. Parker stopped what he was doing and frowned at me,
�
��Max?”
“Its Kaden and I can’t get off this plane.”
“Fuck, man, what?”
“If I leave this plane then it wins, the MS wins and I can’t go through life without her.” I explained. “I have made the biggest mistake I could ever make, I need to go back to Silver Bay, I love her and I refuse to let this thing determine my life a minute longer.”
“Shit, well we better go and talk to someone then, we need to get you back.” He sighed and walked towards a steward.
Nineteen
Skylar
The day Jay died I was called to the Principal’s office where I was greeted by two police officers. They told me to sit down and then they told me that they had pulled is body from his car which was at the bottom of a lake. I stopped breathing, the sound of their voices muffled and the ground raced up to meet me as I feinted.
Opening my door to find a concerned looking Devin stood there, my heart literally stopped. Firstly, I was expecting Kaden and my first thought was that he would be so angry to find Devin there. Secondly he was a cop and cops tell you bad things have happened to loved ones.
“Skylar, Kaden has collapsed at his hotel and they are taking him to County. I have come to take you to him, is that alright?”
“Su…sure,” I frowned. “Is he okay?”
“I don’t know to be perfectly honest with you. The paramedics contacted the guys at the station and said that you were needed, he had your address in his jean pockets.” He explained. I lifted my purse and followed him out,
“Misty, I can’t leave her.”
“How about I drop you off and then I’ll come and sit with her?”
“Seriously, you’d dog sit?”
“I have nothing better to do,” he shrugged.
He drove me to the hospital and I gave him the key to the house. He made sure I had his number on me so that I could call him when I wanted to leave. I hurried to the main desk and explained I was looking for Kaden. But they had no one under that name.
“Max West?” I asked.
“Oh, uh…”
“Are you Skylar?” a man asked from behind. I spun around. A doctor smiled slightly.
“Yes,” I nodded.
“He’s been asking for you since they bought him in.” He looked at the receptionist, “I’ll take her up.” I followed him up the stairs to a room.
“What happened to him?” I asked.
“Max hasn’t been looking after himself the way he should. He needs to make sure he gets enough rest and a good diet if he is going to stay strong enough in the hope to delay the progression of the disease.” I frowned. “His MS is mild at the moment, but its early days yet.”
“MS,” I nodded as if I knew this already. “So um, is he okay?”
“He will be, he had a migraine which for someone not suffering from MS is bad enough, but because MS attacks the brain, migraine seems to be ten times more painful. That added to the fact that he was dehydrated and hadn’t taken his meds for a day or so, he is very lucky to have passed out when he did and not when he was driving.” He stopped at a door, “I believe he is awake and I know he is waiting to see you.” I nodded numbly, trying to process all that had been told to me.
It made perfect sense, the reason he wouldn’t promise me anything, he didn’t want me to know he was sick and certainly wouldn’t allow me to look after him. A part of me was angry that he had kept this from me, but did it change how I felt about him? No, I still loved him and I would always love him, if he allowed me too.
Slowly I pushed open the door, he smiled slightly when he saw me, but looked so pale and as angry as I was that he had kept this from me, I couldn’t fight with him. We talked, for the first time since I had met him, we actually talked and I got to see the real Kaden, flaws and imperfections, all of which made him the man I had fallen for.
I couldn’t say that he was relieved that I knew, but the crease that had been a permanent fixture of his features had gone and his relaxed face made him look so much more handsome than before and I never believed that was possible.
The serious side of this was that he had an illness that would eventually take him away from me, but should I have let it destroy what we could have? Never! Losing Jay taught me that you never have any control over your mortality, that if your time is up, if your number is called, then that is it. But should you live life waiting, or should you make the best of every day and live it like it was your last day on earth? Hell yes!
If Kaden could only give me one month of love and companionship I would take it, because I would rather live knowing that he loved me once, however briefly it turned out to be, living with that was better than living a life wondering what would have happened. I loved him and I told him and even if he didn’t reciprocate, I didn’t care, I would love him enough for both of us.
“I am not going anywhere, even if you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you, it’s fine, I can live with that.” I stated moving closer to his bed.
“Are you crazy?” he smiled trying to fight the tears in his eyes, “I love you, Skylar.” I gazed into his glassy eyes and moved in quickly placing my lips to his, he loved me, he actually loved me.
I climbed on to his bed and kissed him until my mouth dried and I needed air, I kissed him like I would never kiss him again and like I had never kissed him before. I felt his tears wet my skin and my own tears mixed with his. I would love him and care for him as long as he needed me too.
Wrapped in his arms I drifted off to sleep, feeling so safe and happy. MS would not destroy us or everything we had. I didn’t even notice that he had left my side, not until I woke with a stiff arm and the nurse opening the blinds. I thought he had gone to the bathroom or was out in the corridor signing release papers. I didn’t think for one second that he had chosen to leave me.
“He left shortly after two this morning,” the nurse told me. “Maybe he is at your house.”
“No,” I frowned with emotion prickling my eyes, “he’s gone.” I pulled my phone from my pocket and tried to call his cell, but it went right to voicemail, it was his turn to leave me and deep down I knew I deserved it.
I called Devin and he arrived at the hospital door wearing a frown. Misty sat beside him and wagged her tail when she saw me. I felt a fool, but Kaden obviously couldn’t let go of the fact that I hadn’t given him a chance to explain and on top of that, I wanted to take care of him and he clearly wanted something else.
It didn’t surprise me, in fact, I think I half expected it, Kaden Wright had broken my heart and would be the last man to ever break my heart. It hurt like hell, but I would get through it because I had to, I was capable of love and having someone love me, but I would never allow anyone to get so deep in my skin again, never.
When I got back to the house a truck with my Beetle loaded on the back sat on my drive. The police explained that it had been found on the college campus and towed because it wasn’t a registered vehicle of the college, they ran a check and found it. At least something went right that day.
I told Devin all that had happened and he told me to call him if ever I needed a friend or someone to talk to, I could call him day or night. I hugged him goodbye and thanked him. After Devin left later that day, I packed up my car and drove back to Silver Bay. I knew he would be gone, he would disappear and hide and then he would die, I could see he had no intention of fighting this and because it wasn’t me going through this, it wasn’t my body and brain, I had no opinion on what he had decided to do.
The only thing that did shock me was that he seemed so willing to give us a chance, he had written the most beautiful song I had ever heard, he told me that he loved me, but I guessed that in the end it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. How could I be? He was a famous rock star and he had gone back to that life because when you’ve had that sort of lifestyle, you could never just go back and be normal ever again.
At least I had my car back and aside from a few beer cans on the back seat, it was perfectly f
ine. Arriving back at my house that evening caused me physical pain, because I knew he had gone, that his house would be empty and I would spend the rest of the summer alone. I heaved a sigh and opened the door. The warm salty air hit me in the face as I unloaded my trunk and took my bags inside. Misty looked down the path between our houses at the beach, the sun had begun to set and I filled with dread, I’d have to walk on that beach with the memories of our passion filling my mind and my heart.
“Maybe later,” I told her, “let’s go inside.”
She followed me inside and I kicked the door shut behind us. I don’t know why but I switched on MTV to see if there were any announcements that Kaden or Max had returned to SOS, but there was nothing. I gave up gazing at the screen and headed out to the kitchen to raid the fridge, I didn’t even have milk.
While I drove to the store to get some groceries I put on the radio, a song was ending and I turned it down, I never really listened to music, when you are a teacher and you have to sing school songs all day long, the last thing you want to do when you go home is listen to music, but Kaden had changed my mind.
“Max West news has filled the airwaves these past few weeks, but it seems he is heading back to LA as we speak. Reporters caught a glimpse of him at Raleigh international Airport this morning with SOS band member and friend Parker Price. Will he return to the band after this statement made to reporter Mike Jefferies of ‘PQ’ magazine? “My name is Kaden Wright and I was Max West. I am sorry but I am never returning to SOS, if I ever release a record again it will be my own music and lyrics, the band and I have parted ways, permanently.” If I was SOS, personally, I wouldn’t take him back, but time will tell…”
