by Joan Jonker
Nellie beamed. ‘Ay, did yer hear that, girl? I’ve always known your husband had a soft spot for me. Like I keep telling yer, but yer won’t believe me, there’s no man what can resist my voluptuous body.’
They were nearing the Jacksons’ house when Molly pulled them to a halt. ‘Let’s get this straight, sunshine. There are three words you must not mention tonight. They are voluptuous body, sausages and Beecham’s powder. Have yer got that?’
‘Yes, girl, I’ve got it. I’ve got a terrible memory though, yer know that. So I might have to ask yer to repeat them a bit later on. And just as a matter of interest, like, is Beecham’s powder counted as one word or two?’
Molly tutted as she knocked on the door of the house where her parents lived, together with her son Tommy and his beautiful wife Rosie. ‘Just behave yerself, Nellie, that’s all I ask.’
‘Will it be all right with you if I enjoy meself, girl?’
When Tommy opened the door it was to see three people he loved shaking with laughter. ‘Don’t tell me Auntie Nellie’s garter has snapped? Not outside our front door? Ooh, me grandma won’t like that, having all the neighbours talking about her keeping a rowdy house.’
Molly stepped into the hall and kissed her son on the cheek. ‘She’d make a saint blush, would yer Auntie Nellie, sunshine, but this time her joke was very mild. Not that she’s slipping, like, she’s just taking a short break.’
When Molly saw her ma and da sitting side by side on the couch, her heart filled with love and emotion. She could never find enough words to describe her devotion to them. Her childhood had been wonderful, thanks to her Irish-born mother and her loving father. Although Bridie had lived in Liverpool since she met and married Bob, her first love, she still had that lovely Irish lilt in her voice. ‘Oh, it’s yerself, me darlin’.’ Bridie lifted her face for Molly’s kiss. ‘Sure it’s lovely to see yer. And Jack and Nellie, too! Sure ye’re as welcome as the flowers in May, and that’s the truth of it.’
Bob Jackson kept hold of his wife’s hand when he stretched his neck for Molly’s kiss. In his seventies now, he’d had to pack in work long before he was due to retire because of a heart attack. He’d never really recovered from it and Bridie had looked after him ever since. They were as much in love as the day they were wed, and weren’t afraid to show it. Molly and Jack had given them four grandchildren, whom they adored, and now they were proud great-grandparents to Bobby and little Moll. And it wasn’t only Molly’s family who filled their lives. For a fourteen-year-old Irish girl, a friend of one of Bridie’s old friends back in the old country, had asked if she could live with them until she found a job. There was no work in Ireland, and times were hard. That’s when Rosie O’Grady came to be part of the family. A real Irish beauty, she had taken a shine to Tommy. But he was young and girl shy, and avoided her like the plague. However, Rosie persisted, even though he would run a mile rather than talk to her. And her patience paid off when one of Tommy’s mates fell for her and asked for a date. That caused Tommy to look at her more closely, and she was quick to steal his heart. They were married now, and as much in love as Bridie and Bob, who had opened their home to the newly-weds.
Rosie came running down the stairs when she heard the familiar voices. She hugged and kissed Molly and Jack, then turned to Nellie. ‘Oh, I didn’t hear your voice, Mrs Mac. Is it yerself that’s not feeling too good?’
Nellie hung her head. ‘I’ve been told to be quiet and behave meself, girl.’ She turned her head slightly and winked at Rosie. ‘I’ve had strict instructions that I am not to use three words what my mate doesn’t like. And I’ve forgotten them now.’ She narrowed her eyes, a sure sign of mischief. ‘What were the words, Molly?’ Without giving her mate time to spoil her fun, she went on quickly to say, ‘Oh, I’ve just remembered! I must not, under any circumstances, say sausages, voluptuous body, or Beecham’s powder.’ Her face lit up. ‘I got them right, didn’t I, girl? Or have I left one out?’
Molly’s lips were twitching as she passed her coat over to Rosie to hang up. ‘How about aspidistra, sunshine? That’s one word yer’ve probably forgotten.’
‘Ah, now, Molly Bennett, I’m not deaf, and I know yer didn’t say that word. And yer wouldn’t, would yer, ’cos yer’d need to put it into a sentence. Yer couldn’t just say “aspidistra”, and stand there like a lemon, or people would think there was something wrong with yer. What yer’d need to say is that I tried to poison your aspidistra with a Beecham’s powder.’
This sounded like one of Nellie’s pranks, and Bridie sat forward with anticipation. ‘Nellie, pull a chair out and make yerself comfortable. It sounds as though you and Molly have either been having a joke, me darlin’, or a little disagreement, perhaps?’
When Nellie pulled a chair out from the table, Molly and Jack followed suit, and the only chair left was taken by Rosie sitting on Tommy’s knee. ‘I’m sure it wasn’t a disagreement, so I am,’ Rosie said. ‘Auntie Molly and Mrs Mac are like sisters, they never fall out.’
‘We do have the odd disagreement, sunshine,’ Molly told her, ‘not many, just now and again. But I’ll let my mate tell yer this tale, for she’s a better actress than me. She’s better at exaggerating too.’
Bridie was eager, and gripped Bob’s hand as though she feared he’d be spirited away from her. ‘We’re all ears, Nellie, me darlin’, so go ahead and start at the beginning.’
The little woman was as pleased as Punch. She was never happier than when she had an audience. ‘I may need a drink halfway through this story, ’cos it’s a long one.’
‘The kettle is on now, Mrs Mac,’ Tommy said. ‘When you’re ready we can have the tea ready before yer can say Jack Robinson.’
‘Ay, I wish I’d known that Jack Robinson. He must have been very popular, ’cos everyone talks about him.’
‘Nellie, he died before yer were born. So if yer had known him, yer wouldn’t be sitting here tonight keeping everyone waiting for yer to start talking.’
‘Oh, you knew him, did yer, girl? And yer never let on? Ye’re a dark horse, Molly Bennett.’
‘I didn’t tell yer, ’cos it would have sounded as though I was bragging.’ Molly was thinking that if yer can’t beat them, then join them. ‘He used to live next door to a girl I went to school with.’ She raised her brow at her mother, who nodded to say she understood. ‘You remember Elsie, don’t yer, Ma? We used to play ball or skipping in the street. Bright red hair and freckles, she had.’
‘Of course I remember Elsie, me darlin’. She was a nice girl.’
‘That’s funny,’ Bob said, laughing inside. ‘I can’t bring her to mind. And if she had red hair and freckles, well, yer’d think I’d remember someone like that.’
Molly could see Nellie’s frown deepen and her eyes narrow. She hated not being the centre of attention, but Molly wanted to get one more dig in. ‘You were at work, Da. By the time you got home Elsie had gone in for her tea.’
That did it for Nellie. She banged an open palm on the table and glared at each one in turn. ‘I thought yer were all interested in a little tale I had to tell yer. And yer would have been if my mate hadn’t stuck her big nose in. Her with her friend what had red hair and bleeding freckles. And of course she’d know Jack Robinson, ’cos she’s man mad is Molly Bennett, and she wouldn’t care if he was as old as the hills as long as he could stand on his two feet.’ She shook her head slowly when she looked at Jack, allowing her chins the option of a waltz or a slow foxtrot. ‘I’m sorry, lad, but you must be the only one who doesn’t know your wife is a maneater.’
‘Oh, I’ve known that for a long time, Nellie.’ Jack did a good job of keeping his face straight. ‘I’m covered in bite marks, all over. That’s why I could never wear a swimming costume. But when I found out the truth about Molly, it was too late, we were already married.’
‘Well I hope yer had the sense to ask for the seven and six back, what yer paid for the marriage licence. If ever there was a waste of money, that was it. I kn
ow I keep harping on it, lad, but it’s only because me heart bleeds for yer. Why didn’t yer choose someone with a voluptuous body like mine? Oh, I know there’s not many around, they’re few and far between. But if yer’d waited, someone like me would have come along. And yer wouldn’t have had to ask for yer seven and six back, lad, yer’d have been leaving them a tip!’
‘Stop putting ideas into Jack’s head, Nellie, or I’ll never be able to keep him on the straight and narrow.’
‘Listen, girl, yer told me to be quiet and behave meself, but you’re doing more talking than me. Six times I’ve opened me mouth to start telling me tale, what all these people are waiting for, and each time you’ve butted in. So d’yer think yer could pipe down, and give me a chance?’
When Molly nodded, Nellie’s eyes went round the table. ‘I hope ye’re all wide awake, ’cos me story starts off at ten minutes to eight on Monday morning. And because I think it would be more interesting to act the scene, I’m going to ask Molly to act her part. Are yer game, girl? Words and actions?’
‘Well, it’s very short notice, sunshine, but I’ll try. I’ll have to start off by doing what I was working on when you came into it. And for that, I’ll have to stand up and go through the motions, words and all.’
Tommy squeezed Rosie’s waist. ‘This should be a hoot, sweetheart.’
‘Better than going to the pictures, me dearly beloved husband,’ Rosie whispered back. ‘And it’s more comfortable, so it is, and doesn’t cost a penny, even though we’re in the best seats.’
Nellie feigned annoyance. ‘When you two lovebirds stop being lovey-dovey, we can get the show on the road.’
‘Sorry, Auntie Nellie,’ Tommy said. ‘I have heard that all actors are nervous before the curtain goes up, and I should have remembered.’
Nellie’s eyes turned from the loving couple, and they all heard her mutter under her breath, ‘He might take after his dad in looks, but he takes after his mother for being a gasbag.’
‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, sunshine,’ Molly said. ‘Now into the hall with you until you hear your cue.’
With her back to the sideboard, Molly explained. ‘This is ten to eight on Monday morning, and I’m talking to meself about whether to make meself a cup of tea, or start the washing. You’ll have to use yer imagination.’ She fixed her eyes on the mantelpiece and repeated as much as she could remember of the conversation she had held with her living room on Monday. Her audience were enthralled, for Molly was a good actress. When she jumped with fright when a voice behind her asked, ‘Who are yer talking to, girl?’ then the audience were startled too. And as the enactment continued, with Nellie not feeling well, and Molly falling for it, the two amateur actresses were so convincing, you could have heard a pin drop.
Fortunately for Nellie, Bridie had a huge aspidistra on a small table in front of the window. It was her pride and joy, and although Nellie’s actions with the supposed Beecham’s powder brought roars of laughter from the other family members, Bridie didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. But her humour was soon restored when it came to the part where Nellie was banished from the house by Molly, and told not to come back until half past ten.
The part where Nellie was kneeling on the step looking through the letterbox, and Molly answering her from her seat on the second stair, brought the loudest laughter. Bob and Bridie were wiping their eyes on neatly folded hankies as white as snow, while Tommy and Rosie clung to each other, tears falling on their shoulders.
And Jack was so proud of his wife he left his chair to embrace her. He wasn’t usually a demonstrative man, but his kiss now let all the family know how much he adored her. ‘That was good, love. Better than a pint of bitter any day.’
‘Ay, lover boy,’ Nellie said, hands on hips and chins waiting to see which way her head turned. ‘What about me? If I’d known it was going to be an orgy, I’d have brought my feller with me.’
‘Ah, yer poor thing,’ Molly said, putting on a sad face. ‘Give her a hug, Jack, before she starts crying.’
When Jack walked towards her with arms outstretched, Nellie’s chubby face was a sight to behold. She ducked under his arm to tell Molly, ‘Yer’ve cooked yer goose now, girl. Once he gets hold of my voluptuous body, he’ll never be satisfied with someone what is flat-chested and pigeon-toed.’
With a hand covering her mouth, Molly doubled up. She might be able to take Nellie’s words with a pinch of salt, even tell her off about them, but the faces her mate could pull, well, unless you were devoid of humour, you couldn’t help but laugh at them. And she could hear the others laughing, even Jack.
‘I don’t know why you’re laughing, lad,’ Nellie told him. ‘If I was in your shoes I’d be crying at the unfairness of it. Yer’ve been swingled.’
‘Oh, dear, oh, dear,’ Molly used the back of her hand to wipe her eyes. ‘Ye’re coming up with some big words, sunshine. Yer haven’t gone and bought a dictionary, have yer? Not at your age?’
‘I’m the same age as you, girl, give or take a few months. So don’t be putting years on me. And another thing, ye’re not the only one what can come out with big words. I’m far from being hignorant.’
‘I know ye’re far from being hignorant, sunshine, ’cos ye’re beginning to use words even I don’t know.’
Nellie grew two inches in stature, and her bosom blossomed before their eyes. ‘What word didn’t yer know, girl? Or was it more than one?’
‘Well, for one thing, Nellie, I never knew there was an h in ignorant. But that’s an easy mistake anyone could make. What I’m dying to know is what the word “swingled” means. It sounds a jolly word, like, you know, a happy jingle.’
Nellie beamed. ‘Yeah, it does, girl, now as I come to think of it. Isn’t it wonderful that yer have all these words in yer head that yer don’t know are there?’
‘What does swingled mean, sunshine, so I can keep a note of it? It might just come in handy some time.’
Nellie’s chins shook when she moved her head. ‘It means diddled, girl. You know, like yer’ve been had.’
‘Oh, I’ve got it now, sunshine, you mean swindled!’
Nellie tutted, then blew her breath out through her teeth. ‘That’s what I said, soft girl. Are yer going deaf ?’
‘Not that I know of, sunshine. I’ve heard everything you’ve said, so there can’t be anything wrong with me hearing. Have yer got any more big words in yer head that can baffle me with science?’
‘How soft you are, girl!’ Nellie pooh-poohed the question. ‘I give you some of the big words what I’ve got in me head, and tomorrow yer’d be in the butcher’s shop, swanking to Tony and Ellen using my words! Yer must think I was born yesterday! Find yer own words, Molly Bennett, seeing as ye’re so clever. I mean, why did yer have to bring fortune-telling up? What’s that got to do with words and the price of fish?’
The group round the table looked at each other, baffled by Nellie’s words. ‘Yer’ve lost me completely now, Nellie,’ Molly said. ‘Who mentioned fortune-telling? I most certainly didn’t!’
‘Oh, come off it, girl! Everyone heard yer, didn’t they, Jack? Go on, lad, tell her! Don’t be frightened, I won’t let her hit yer.’
Jack was still waiting to give Nellie a hug. Not that he wanted to give Nellie a hug, mind, but he didn’t want to upset her by sitting down. ‘I couldn’t tell yer, Nellie, because I haven’t been taking a lot of notice. But I do know Molly doesn’t like fortune-telling, she thinks it’s unlucky.’
Nellie’s eyes went to Tommy and Rosie, who shrugged their shoulders, and she got the same reaction from Bridie and Bob.
‘This is a stitch-up,’ the little woman said. ‘Ye’re all ganging up against me.’ With her feet apart, she took on her fighting stance, much to the amusement of those looking on. ‘If my mate tells me she never mentioned one of those things where silly buggers sit in the dark, hold hands and ask to talk to people what are dead, I’ll clock her one.’
Molly jumped to her feet. ‘O
h, yer mean a séance, sunshine! Why didn’t yer say that, and I’d have known what yer were going on about?’
‘It was you what said it, girl, so yer didn’t need me to tell yer.’ Her head down, looking at her feet, Nellie muttered, ‘She might be me best mate, but she can be as thick as two short planks sometimes.’
While Nellie was muttering, Molly was going over in her head what she’d said to bring the conversation from her being deaf. Then it came to her in a flash. ‘Nellie, I said science, not séance, yer silly nit!’
‘What’s the difference, girl? Sounds like the same ruddy word to me.’
‘Ay, Nellie, I’ll give yer a good word to try out in the butcher’s,’ Molly said. ‘I came across it in the dictionary ages ago, and I bet there’s not many people know there is such a word, ’cos I’d never heard of it. D’yer want to know what it is, so yer can show off in front of Tony and Ellen?’
‘I’ll have it if I can get me tongue round it, girl. But if not I’ll let you be the clever bugger.’
‘What is the word, Mam?’ Tommy asked. ‘I bet I could tell yer what it means.’
‘Oh, he could that, Auntie Molly,’ Rosie said. ‘Sure he’s very clever is my ever-loving husband.’ Her beautiful face was aglow. ‘He proved how clever he is by marrying me.’
‘Go on, Mam,’ Rosie’s ever-loving husband said. ‘I’ll have a go and I bet I’m right.’
Nellie was glaring at him. ‘Don’t be so ruddy cocky, Tommy Bennett. And before yer answer yer mam’s question, yer can answer one for me.’
‘Auntie Nellie, I’ll do anything for you.’ Tommy, the spitting image of his dad, grinned. ‘Yer just have to say the word and it’ll be done.’
‘Well, just tell me, seeing as how ye’re so bleeding clever, how come we’ve been here half an hour, and yer haven’t even boiled the kettle yet? Yer don’t get all this entertainment free, yer know, there’s a price to be paid.’
Rosie loosened her arm from Tommy’s, and jumped to her feet. ‘It’s right yer are, Mrs Mac. Come on, beloved, help me make the tea.’
