by Joan Jonker
‘I’m not miserable, sunshine, I’m feeling quite cheerful as it happens. But if it makes you happy to think I’m miserable, then I think we should agree to disagree.’
This left Nellie feeling very confused. How could they agree to disagree? Honestly, where did that leave them? And to look happy when ye’re miserable, well, that was a tongue twister that was. But it would be in her own interest not to rub her mate up the wrong way, or she’d not be able to get round her to find out what she wanted to know. So Molly would relax over a nice cup of tea and they’d be back to being best mates. ‘So yer missed seeing the baby, did yer, girl? It’s a pity, that, but yer’ll see him tomorrow.’
Victoria set her rocking chair in motion, while thinking the two mates were quiet tonight. That was a disappointment, for she always enjoyed the pretend spats they had. Still, she shouldn’t expect them to be able to turn the laughter on like a tap, just to please her.
‘Tea up, Mam.’ Doreen put the tray on the table. ‘I’ve poured the tea out and put milk in, so all you have to do is put yer own sugar in.’
‘You’ve forgotten something, girl,’ Nellie told her. ‘There’s no biscuits on the tray.’ She could feel Molly’s eyes glaring at her, but she’d risk a telling off for a couple of custard creams.
‘Biscuits coming up, Mrs Mac.’ Phil put the plate down with a flourish, then bowed from the waist. ‘At your service, madam.’
‘Is he being sarky, girl?’ Nellie asked. ‘If he is I’ll clock him one. After I’ve eaten the biscuits, of course.’
‘Oh, that goes without saying, sunshine. Yer pretend to be dumb, deaf and daft, but not where goodies are concerned.’
As Nellie bit on a custard cream, she eyed her friend through lowered lids, looking for a sign that there might be a thawing out, but Molly’s face was blank, giving nothing away. And that was unusual for Molly, who never stayed annoyed for long. So the little woman, who couldn’t bear to fall out with her best mate, decided to go for it and take a chance. Silence was something she couldn’t live with. ‘I saw yer talking to our Paul and Phoebe, girl. Yer were having a long conversation with them, which surprised me, ’cos they were supposed to be on their way to the pictures. What were yer talking about what took yer so long?’
Molly gazed into her mate’s face, and after a few moments’ reflection she decided it was time to get her own back. And it would serve Nellie right to be on the receiving end of a joke. ‘Oh, we were talking about this and that, you know how it is. Actually, it was mostly about their wedding. Phoebe was talking about the flowers for her bouquet and the bridesmaids’ posies. Oh, and red carnations for guests’ buttonholes.’ She paused to control the urge to laugh. ‘It should be quite a wedding, the way they were talking. And it’s not long off now, sunshine, so you and me had better start looking for wedding hats and dresses.’
Doreen’s eyes were wide, and moving from side to side. From what she’d heard in the street a short time ago, there was no prospect of a wedding in the near future. Victoria and Phil, who were believing Molly’s words, were looking happy at the idea. But Nellie was speechless. As she gazed at Molly’s face, her own expression was set. She was utterly taken aback by what her mate had hinted. After a few gulps, she said, ‘There’s no need to be buying hats and dresses now, girl, ’cos it’ll be ages before they get married. They haven’t got enough saved up yet.’
Sounding cool and casual, Molly answered, ‘I may have heard wrong, sunshine, but I thought Phoebe said before the summer. And that isn’t long off, only a matter of weeks.’
By this time, Doreen had realized her mother was pulling Auntie Nellie’s leg, and wondered how long it would be before her auntie twigged. She was very crafty, and looking at her now you could practically hear her mind ticking over. It should be very interesting to see who came off best. She certainly wouldn’t like to bet on it.
‘Anyway,’ Nellie said, ‘we don’t have to look for dresses ’cos Doreen always makes them, don’t yer, girl? It would be daft to buy them when we can have them made for nothing.’
Molly tutted. ‘It would be very nice if you were to ask Doreen, instead of taking it for granted. I think she’s got enough on her plate with the baby to look after, and cooking, cleaning, shopping, and doing the washing. She doesn’t have any spare time on her hands.’
‘I wouldn’t worry about that, girl,’ Nellie said, the devilment shining in her eyes. ‘Yer see, by the time my son gets married, the baby will be starting school. Take no notice of this married before the summer lark, they’re pulling yer leg. Same as you’ve been pulling my leg for the last half-hour. But I don’t mind, ’cos yer’ve got to get yer own back sometimes. Yer can’t let me win all the time. So shall we call it quits, girl, and while Phil puts the kettle on for a fresh pot of tea, I’ll tell yer the truth about this wedding. Take no notice of what our Paul ever tells yer, ’cos his head is in the clouds most of the time.’
Ten minutes later, with a fresh cup of tea in front of them, Molly said, ‘Bring Victoria’s chair nearer the table, Phil, so she can hear what we’re saying without having to lean forward. And she can see the contortions that Nellie makes with her face when she gets stuck for a word.’
Nellie was in her element with an audience hanging on to her every word. ‘It’s a pity we haven’t got any cream slices, girl, ’cos then we could have a little party.’
‘Nellie, I told Jack I’d only be out for half an hour, and it’s well past that now. So will yer get on with it, please?’
‘Sod Jack, girl! That’s what I say! Sod Jack and George, if they’d rather sit on their backsides than come and join us.’
Molly sighed. ‘Nellie, if yer’ve got anything interesting to tell us, then get on with it. But if ye’re making things up in yer head as yer go along, just so we’ll be here longer, then forget it. Tell the truth and shame the devil.’
‘Oh, yer can’t shame the devil, girl, ’cos yer don’t get the chance to see him face to face. And I’m buggered if I’m going to cut me throat just so I can go to hell and tell him he’s not very popular with us.’
‘I know this is changing the subject after I’ve just told yer to get on with the story, sunshine, but I’ve just had a thought. Yer know I say a little prayer every night, to ask God to look after all me family and friends? Well, so far, God has been good in answering me prayers. Like, for instance, he brought Tommy, Steve and Paul home safe from the war. And he made me da better when he had that heart attack.’
‘Yeah, we know all that, girl, yer don’t need to tell us again. Yer can’t half talk a lot and yet say nothing.’
‘If yer won’t listen, how d’yer know I’m saying nothing? All I was going to say, if you’d only give me the chance, is why don’t you set up a line with the devil, like yer have with St Peter? That way, ye’re covering yerself for every eventuality. A friend in heaven, and a friend in hell!’
Nellie huffed. ‘How soft you are, girl! Yer must think I want me bumps feeling, if yer think I’ll fall for that.’ Her eyes landed on Doreen first, then Victoria. ‘Did yer hear that? What sort of mate would sit on the front row in heaven, with a harp and a halo, knowing her best mate was sweating cobs, shovelling great big lumps of coal on to a bleeding fire what never goes out?’
‘Why are you so sure that Molly will be on the front row in heaven, sweetheart?’ Victoria asked, while hoping that God wouldn’t be displeased by their conversation. ‘None of us know where we will eventually end up.’
Much to the delight of Doreen and Phil, the little woman’s face was so contorted it seemed to be made of rubber. Then she tapped the side of her head, and said knowingly, ‘Oh, my mate will be going to heaven, no doubt about that. She never does nothing wrong. Doesn’t tell lies, never swears, she’s bound to get in. If she didn’t I would demand to know why, because there must have been dirty work at the crossroads somewhere along the line. I’d have to have serious words with my friend St Peter, that’s what. I’m relying on Molly getting in, so she can put
in a good word for me.’
Phil cleared his throat before asking, ‘Why don’t yer hedge yer bets, Mrs Mac?’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘What d’yer mean, lad?’
‘Keep a foot in both camps. Yer say ye’re already mates with St Peter, so try and get in the devil’s good books as well.’
Nellie nodded her head slowly, much to the delight of her chins. ‘Good thinking, lad, good thinking. So if I don’t make it up there, I can ask the devil for an extra shovel for me mate.’
‘Don’t be so flipping generous, sunshine,’ Molly said. ‘I don’t want any favours from the devil. I’ll bring me own shovel!’
And soon the two mates were back to normal, and Victoria was able to go to bed with a smile on her face.
The following morning when Molly opened the door to Nellie, she waited until they were in the living room before speaking. ‘Sit yerself down, sunshine, and I’ll put the kettle on.’ She watched her mate carry the carver chair from the wall to the table, then added, ‘But I might as well tell yer now that I haven’t got a biscuit in the house. So yer can moan as much as yer like, it won’t do you any good. What I haven’t got, I can’t give yer.’ With those words, Molly walked towards the kitchen, where she put a light to the gas ring under the kettle. She was humming softly as she set the cups and saucers on the tray, and was unprepared for the tap on her shoulder.
‘Nellie, I wish yer wouldn’t creep up on me like that! One of these days yer’ll give me a heart attack.’
Nellie wasn’t concerned about a heart attack; she had other things on her mind. ‘Haven’t yer even got one biscuit in the tin, girl? Did yer have a good look, ’cos yer could easily have missed one.’
Molly shook her head. ‘There’s not even a crumb in the tin, sunshine. Ye’re out of luck.’
With her shoulders drooping, and a downcast look on her face, Nellie shuffled back to the living room. But she didn’t sit down, she stood by the table while her mind ticked over to find a solution. And after a few seconds a smile creased her chubby face, and back she went to the kitchen. ‘I’ll tell yer what I’ll do, girl, to help yer out. If you give me threepence, I’ll nip down to the corner shop and ask Maisie to give us threepence worth of mixed biscuits. That’s a good idea, isn’t it, girl? I mean a cup of tea doesn’t taste the same without a biscuit.’
‘Of course yer can go to the corner shop, sunshine, for three-pennyworth of biscuits. Just as long as the threepence comes out of your purse. I’ve no money to waste on luxuries, besides which it won’t upset me very much if I have to do without a biscuit for once. But don’t let me stop you having what yer want, sunshine. You run down to the corner shop and the tea will be waiting for yer when yer get back.’
With a face as innocent as a newborn baby, Nellie said, ‘I haven’t got me purse with me, girl. You lend me the money and I’ll pay yer back later.’
Molly gazed down into her mate’s face. ‘D’yer know when we were talking about St Peter and the devil in our Doreen’s last night?’ She waited for Nellie’s nod. ‘Well, right now the devil must be rubbing his hands in glee, while St Peter will be feeling really let down.’ And because she was into her stride now, Molly piled the agony on. ‘You’ve let him down badly, sunshine, and yer’ve always said he was a good friend of yours. Some friend you’ve turned out to be.’
‘I think ye’re going off yer rocker, girl, if yer ask me. What are yer bringing all that up for? Anyone would think I’d committed a murder, or robbed a ruddy bank, to hear you talk. All this for the sake of a biscuit! It’s not a sin to want a biscuit, is it?’
‘It is if yer tell a lie to get it, sunshine.’
Nellie looked shocked and hurt. ‘I haven’t told no lie, girl, so don’t be making me out to be a liar.’
‘You did tell a fib, sunshine, I’m not deaf.’ In her mind, Molly was giving her mate ten out of ten for acting. ‘As bold as brass, you stood there and told a barefaced lie.’
‘What did I say, girl? Go on, tell me what it was and I’ll say it’s you what’s telling lies. Go on, I dare yer!’
‘Why did you want to borrow money off me, sunshine, to buy the biscuits?’
‘Well, Maisie wouldn’t give me them for nothing, would she? And if I just walked in the shop, grabbed a handful of broken biscuits and scarpered, she’d have set the police on me and I’d have ended up in a cell.’
Molly thought they’d wasted enough time. If she left it to her mate, the morning would be over without them getting anywhere. So she took the bull by the horns. ‘Nellie, I can see your lie, so why keep it up?’
‘How the hell can yer see a lie, girl? Yer might be able to hear one, but yer can’t never see one.’
‘I can see yours, sunshine, so why don’t yer give in? Lift yer hands in surrender, and I’ll get on with our cups of tea.’
‘What can yer see, girl? Yer’ve lost me now.’
‘I’m too old for guessing games, Nellie, and there’s work to be done. We’ve lost half an hour for no reason at all. But we’ll waste more time if I don’t ask yer now, what is that sticking out of yer pocket?’
Nellie’s hand went to the left pocket in her coat. ‘There’s nothing there. It’s empty.’
Molly sighed. ‘Don’t be playing the innocent, sunshine, because I’m beginning to lose the will to live. Try the other pocket why don’t yer?’
Lips pursed, head down, and muttering under her breath, Nellie slowly moved her hand across the mound that was her tummy to the right pocket. Then, feigning surprise, she looked up at Molly with her eyes and mouth wide open. ‘Well, did you ever! Just fancy that, girl! Who would have thought I’d forgotten I’d brought me purse out with me? Aren’t I a silly billy? I must have picked it up off the table without noticing. Honest, I’m getting really forgetful in me old age.’ Her chubby face beamed. ‘Ah, well, all’s well what ends well. So come on, girl, let’s be having yer. Get that tea poured out, I’m parched.’
Molly grabbed her mate’s arm. ‘Aren’t yer going to the corner shop for some biscuits, now yer’ve got the money?’
‘No, I won’t bother now, girl. Yer know what it’s like when Maisie starts talking, yer can’t get away from her. And I’d hate to let the tea go cold.’
‘It wouldn’t be Maisie that kept yer gabbing, she’s too busy with customers,’ Molly told her. ‘It’s you that’s the gasbag. Any poor woman who was unlucky enough to be in the shop the same time as you would have the head talked off her. She wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgeways, and yer’d keep her prisoner until another unfortunate customer came in. You talk to them whether they want yer to or not. Even if yer’ve never seen them in yer life before. And yer don’t talk to them, sunshine, yer talk at them.’
‘All right, girl, don’t harp on it. I’m only being friendly with people, that’s all. And you’re a fine one to talk, Molly Bennett, ’cos once you start, yer forget to finish. Like now, I’ve hardly opened me mouth. It’s nearly half an hour since I came in, and you’ve never stopped! I mean, we’ve had St Peter, what is a friend of mine, no matter what yer say, and I’ve been put with the devil, what is no blinking friend of mine! So can yer put a plug in it now, girl, and let me drink me tea in peace? Me head is buzzing, and I’m not surprised. What with a mate in heaven, the devil himself, and the customers what come in Maisie’s shop, I’m dead tired. I feel as if I’ve put in a day’s work down at the docks, and it’s only half past ten in the morning! Perhaps I should have stayed in bed today, eh?’
Molly was facing her mate across the table, and she couldn’t help but chuckle at the changing expressions on Nellie’s face. ‘I’ll say something to cheer yer up, shall I, sunshine?’
‘Don’t tell me yer’ve remembered that there are some biscuits in the tin after all, ’cos I couldn’t stand it.’
‘No, sunshine, I was just going to say six words that would bring a smile to yer face.’
‘They’ll have to be good, girl, ’cos I haven’t got a smile in me right now.’
Her head nodding, the little woman’s face took on a look of bliss. ‘I can see them, girl. And when we go to Hanley’s for our bread, I’ll buy those three cream slices what I saw in me mind and what are making me mouth water. And d’yer know what I’m going to do, Molly Bennett? I’m going to eat them in front of yer, so yer can see me licking the cream out of the sides of them. And I won’t even ask yer if yer want a lick. I’ll make you suffer like what you’ve made me suffer this morning.’
‘You wouldn’t do that to me, would yer, sunshine? Don’t forget it was me who cheered you up with the mention of the treat when we go to Hanley’s. Because I’ve been hard on yer for being a liar, which yer can’t deny because yer were found out, then I’ll mug you to a cream slice. Now I can’t say fairer than that, sunshine, can I?’
Nellie’s chins were in full agreement with her nodding head. ‘I’m quite happy with that arrangement, girl, ’cos that shows how sorry yer are for being so bleeding miserable. For a while there, I expected yer to put me through the mangle, that’s how bad I felt.’
Molly reached for the teapot for their second cup of tea. As she poured, she said, ‘I’ll admit to being hard on yer, if you’ll admit yer knew darn well yer had yer purse with yer all the time.’
‘That’s no problem, girl, ’cos I had to know I had me purse with me, didn’t I? It was sticking out of me pocket for all the world to see.’
‘So now we’re all done and dusted, let’s drink our tea and then be on our way to the shops. I haven’t got a clue what to get for the dinner, sunshine. Don’t yer get fed up with trying to think of something different for a change? If I give Jack and Ruthie stew again, I think they’d throw it at me. They have it so often it’s coming out of their ears.’
