by Joan Jonker
Hilda chuckled, and her whole body shook. ‘Ay, queen, I never said I was going to feed her. She won’t starve, that’s for sure, but it’ll be whatever I’m having, nothing fancy.’
‘It sounds like a good offer to me, sunshine,’ Molly said. ‘Too good to turn yer nose up at. So if yer tell me what shopping yer need, me and Nellie will go to the shops. We’ll get your bits in, then go back for our shopping. I feel a lot better now I know ye’re going to have company to keep an eye on yer. Ye’re lucky having such a good neighbour.’
‘It’s not all one-sided, Molly,’ Hilda told her. ‘Rita’s helped me out over the years. We don’t live in each other’s pockets, but we’re there for each other when we need help. Times like now, when one of us needs support.’
‘That’s like me and Molly,’ Nellie said. ‘We’re always there for each other, aren’t we, girl?’
Molly took her mate’s chin in her hand. ‘There is one difference, sunshine, and d’yer know what that is?’
Nellie couldn’t shake her head with her chin held fast, so she said, ‘There is no difference, girl, what I can think of.’
‘I’ll tell yer then. We do live in each other’s pockets. We’re practically joined at the hips.’
The little woman had a vision which brought a smile to the chubby face. ‘Ay, it wouldn’t half be painful for yer, girl, if we were. It wouldn’t worry me, but I’d feel dead sorry for you.’ Nellie began to roar with laughter, causing the floorboards to creak in protest. They were only used to Rita’s weight walking across them, so Nellie’s eighteen stone was something of a shock. And it took a while for her laughter to die down long enough for her to splutter, ‘Yer’d have to buy yerself a new pair of shoes every week.’
Three faces looked at the mountainous bosom rising and falling, and the tears running down the creases in her face. ‘Oh, dear, I haven’t laughed so much since me knicker elastic snapped when I was bending down to fasten me shoelace in the butcher’s.’
Molly’s head was shaking slowly as she told Rita and Hilda, ‘She often has a funny turn, so don’t let it worry yer. She’ll be as right as rain in a minute, and then we’ll find out what brought it on. We probably won’t find it as funny as she has, but at least we’ll be put in the picture.’
Nellie closed her eyes tight, and with her two hands flat on her tummy she took a really deep breath, held it for a few seconds, then let it out slowly. ‘Ooh, that’s better. I was nearly choking with laughing so much. But I’m better now, girl, yer’ll be glad to know.’
‘We’d also be interested to know what yer found so funny,’ Molly told her. ‘And we’d like to be told in as few words as possible, otherwise we’ll miss the shops and it’ll be fresh air sandwiches for dinner tonight.’
‘Okay, girl, I’ll be as quick as I can.’ Nellie beckoned her mate over. ‘Come and stand next to me, girl, and it’ll make it easier to explain. Come on, slowcoach, don’t be standing there looking gormless. Stand at the side of me, so Rita and Hilda will have a good view.’
Molly tutted. ‘Anything for a quiet life, sunshine, but make it snappy, please.’
When they were standing side by side, Nellie spoke to the two older women. ‘Now, see where my hip is, down here?’ After seeing the two heads nod in agreement, Nellie put her hand on Molly’s hip. ‘Now see where me mate’s is, about six inches above mine. Well, that’s what brought on me bout of laughter. If we were joined at the hip like me mate said, well, one of us would have to suffer. Molly couldn’t carry my weight, so she’d have to come down to my size. Which means she’d have to chop her feet and ankles off, or drag them along the ground. And no shoes could take that treatment for long, so, as I said, she’d be going through shoes like nobody’s business. Every two weeks I reckon.’
Molly looked down at her. ‘Nellie McDonough, it doesn’t take much to make you laugh, does it? Yer’ve wasted all that time, when we could have been to the shops and back by now.’
Nellie tilted her head and viewed her mate through narrowed eyes. ‘What’s wrong with yer, girl, have yer swallowed yer sense of humour? If you can’t see the funny side of us being joined at the hip, which were your own words, by the way, then I feel sorry for yer.’ She moved closer to Molly. ‘I’m down here, girl, and you’re up there. We’d look well walking in the butcher’s like Peg-leg Pete.’
Molly couldn’t keep the laughter back any longer, and she doubled up with mirth. This was a relief for Rita and Hilda, who had been afraid to laugh in case they upset one of the mates. But when they heard the roars of laughter from them, they joined in, until the tears rolled down their cheeks. ‘They’re as good as a tonic, aren’t they?’ Rita said. ‘I was feeling sorry for meself, all aches and pains a few minutes ago. Now I haven’t even got a headache.’
Hilda was wiping away the tears with the back of a hand. ‘Did yer hear that, Nellie? Rita would like to thank the driver of that bus for coming along when it did. She’s never laughed so much in years.’
Nellie tried to look indignant. She wouldn’t be able to spell it, of course, but she knew what it meant. ‘Ay, girl, sod the bleeding bus driver, it was me what saved yer life. And as I won’t always be on hand when you’re standing on the pavement and there’s a ruddy big bus coming towards yer, then keep telling yerself to take a step back, not forward.’
‘I can go to the shops the same time as her, queen, and I’ll remind her. We both go out every day, so we may as well go together.’
Molly still had a picture in her mind of the man in a trilby, and didn’t want Rita to feel she was well enough now to be left alone. ‘I wouldn’t be too quick about going out again, sunshine. Yer’ve got company now, and we’ve all had a laugh, but it doesn’t mean there’ll be no after-effects. I hope yer’ll be sensible and take up Hilda’s offer of a bed for the night.’
‘Of course she will,’ Nellie said. ‘She’s not soft enough to pass up an offer like that.’
‘Tell me what shopping yer need, and me and Nellie will go for it now. And we can get yours as well, Hilda, save yer a journey. We can be there and back in no time.’
‘If ye’re going to Hanley’s, yer can get me a small loaf, if yer don’t mind,’ Hilda said. ‘We’ve both got milk because the milkman leaves us a pint every other day, and he left it this morning. He left me half a dozen eggs as well, so if you get a loaf, I’ve got enough to feed me and Rita for today. If she’s up to it tomorrow, we’ll walk down and get what we need. And the fresh air will do us both good.’
‘Are yer sure, sunshine?’ Molly asked. ‘Me and Nellie will give yer a knock tomorrow if yer like? We’ve got to go to the shops, so we wouldn’t be putting ourselves out.’
Rita shook her head. ‘Yer’ve both done enough for me. I’ve wasted a couple of hours of yer time this morning. If yer can get us a loaf from Hanley’s, me and Hilda will be fine. I can’t thank yer enough, yer’ve been kindness itself.’
‘What are yer looking at me mate for?’ Nellie’s hands went to her hips. ‘It was me what saved yer life, not slowcoach Molly. She didn’t even see the bus, and God knows, it was big enough.’
‘Oh, dear,’ Molly said. ‘I think you’re not going to be allowed to forget what happened this morning, sunshine. So I’ll give yer a little bit of advice. In future, if yer see Nellie before she sees you, then do an about turn and run like hell. For my mate will expect nothing less than a curtsy from yer, or a tug on yer forelock.’
Nellie’s face screwed up as her mind started ticking over. She knew what a curtsy was because she’d tried it herself once, in practice in case she ever met the Queen. However, her valiant effort turned out to be a disaster, for her foot got caught in the hem of her dress and she toppled over sideways. So she had good reason to know what a curtsy was. But forelock, no, she’d never heard that before. ‘What was it yer told Rita she should do if she ever sees me in the street? Oh, I know yer said to run like hell, and I know yer said curtsy.’ A crafty expression came to her face. ‘But I didn’t quite catch
the other word. I think I was coughing, and missed it.’
‘What word was that, sunshine?’
Nellie made a hissing sound before grinding her teeth. ‘If I knew what the bleeding word was, yer daft article, then I wouldn’t be asking yer, would I?’
‘I’ve said a lot of words since I came in here, sunshine, yer can’t expect me to remember every one.’
‘I think she means forelock, queen,’ Hilda said. ‘That was the word yer used after curtsy.’
‘That’s the word, Hilda.’ Nellie beamed. ‘Thank the Lord for someone with a bit of sense. Now tell me what it means.’
‘Well, all I know is that in the old days, the peasants had to pull it whenever their lordships were around. As a mark of respect, like.’
Molly was intrigued as she listened. She was dying to laugh but held it back, for she wouldn’t upset Hilda for all the world. But wait until the family were having dinner tonight, and she told Jack and Ruthie about the peasants pulling their forelocks when their lordships were around. And Nellie standing listening with her mouth open, taking it very seriously. Heaven alone knew what tale Nellie would be telling George tonight. She’d be getting her forelocks mixed up with her curtsy and their lordships.
‘Yes, I know all that now, girl,’ Nellie said, getting herself all wound up. ‘But what was it they pulled?’
Molly decided that if she didn’t step in, no one would be getting dinner that night, so she leaned over and gently pulled a handful of Nellie’s hair down over her forehead. ‘Get hold of that, sunshine, and pull on it. Not hard, just gentle.’
‘Oh, sod off, Molly Bennett, yer must think I want me bumps feeling! If yer want to play silly buggers, then pull yer own hair out.’
Rita hadn’t said a word while all this was going on, but now she couldn’t keep quiet any longer. After all, hadn’t Nellie saved her from being run over by a bus? ‘Nellie, that lock of hair Molly told yer to get hold of, well, that is what they call a forelock. And like Hilda said, in days gone by, the poor people had to pull on it as a sign of respect.’
Nellie turned to Molly. ‘Are you all having me on, or in days gone by were the poor people daft enough to pull their own hair?’
‘It was a case of having to, sunshine, or they’d be whipped with a thick leather belt.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t let no one whip me with a leather belt. I’d have snatched it off them, clouted them with it, then used it as a garter. But I’ve got a feeling you lot are having me on, ’cos I don’t remember that ever happening when I was a kid.’
‘Of course you wouldn’t remember it, sunshine,’ Molly said. ‘It was hundreds of years ago when that was going on.’
‘Hundreds of years ago?’ Nellie’s voice was a high squeak. ‘Ten minutes ago we were going to Hanley’s for a small loaf, and now you’re talking about hundreds of years ago! Yer all want yer heads testing!’ Then she brought a smile to all their faces by saying, ‘I’m the only bleeding sensible person in this room, and it’s a good job I’ve got me wits about me or they’d have me as daft as themselves.’
Molly put her arm across her mate’s shoulder and squeezed. ‘I could remind yer that it was you that started it all by asking what the word forelock means. But I won’t do that ’cos yer are me best mate and I’d be lost without yer. So can we come down to earth now, and go to Hanley’s for the loaf ? Or if yer like, you can stay and talk to Rita and Hilda, and I’ll run down there meself. I’d be there and back in ten minutes.’
‘Go on then, and I’ll stay here.’ Nellie was about to plant her bottom on a chair when she thought of something, and her bottom remained in mid-air while she added, ‘Don’t you dare come back here with a blob of cream on yer nose, or I’ll pulverize yer. And tell Edna Hanley to put two cream slices away, and to make sure they’re the ones with the most cream in.’
Molly stood to attention, clicked her heels together and saluted. ‘Aye, aye, sir. Message received and understood.’ Then she hurried from the room before her mate came out with more of her pearls of wisdom.
Dinnertime was always lively in the Bennetts’ house, with Jack and Ruthie exchanging incidents that had happened in work. Usually they were comic incidents, enlarged by father and daughter to bring laughter to the dinner table, and it was a time of closeness, warmth and affection. And of course Molly always added to the laughter by telling of the antics of her mate Nellie.
But that night it was different. For, although Molly had made up her mind not to mention the events of the day until the meal was over, she found it wasn’t possible to hold her tongue. ‘I’ve got something to tell yer, and although I was going to wait until yer’d finished eating, I’ll burst a blood vessel if I don’t get it off me chest.’
‘What’s Nellie been up to now?’ Jack asked. ‘It must be something outrageous if ye’re nearly bursting a blood vessel.’
‘No, ye’re in for a surprise, as it happens, for my mate was a hero today. She saved an elderly lady from being run over by a bus.’
While Jack laid his knife and fork down, Ruthie’s eyes and mouth opened wide. She licked her lips before asking, ‘Are yer pulling our legs, Mam?’
‘No, sunshine, I wouldn’t pull yer legs over something so serious. Just finish yer dinner and I’ll tell yer what happened from the very beginning. I don’t want to go through it in dribs and drabs.’
The plates had never been cleared as quickly, for, like her dad, Ruthie knew her mam had something of importance to tell them. ‘I’ll take the plates out, Mam, then we can lean on the table. Pass yours over, Dad, and neither of yer are to say one word until I come back. I’ll help yer with the dishes before I go out, Mam.’
‘It’s a long story, sunshine, so don’t expect me to rush it because yer’re going out.’ Molly smoothed the tablecloth down before resting her elbows on it. ‘Me and Nellie went over to Doreen’s after we’d had our usual mid-morning cup of tea, and although I always intend to make it a short visit, it never works out that way with Nellie. She expects tea and biscuits in every house we go in. And she gets them too! But where she goes, laughter follows, and she cheers everyone up.’ Molly brought guffaws from Jack, and chuckles from Ruthie, when she told them in detail about the pies Doreen had promised to make, and the request from Nellie for the loan of her tape measure.
‘We were just walking towards Hanley’s, taking it easy because we’d sorted out what we were having for dinner, when Nellie suddenly stopped. And from then everything happened so fast it was just a blur. All I could see was Nellie moving faster than I’ve ever seen her move, then she pulled this elderly lady down on to the pavement, just as a bus came along.’
Molly went on to tell them in detail about the driver of the bus, the crowd of people that gathered, Edna Hanley’s appearance, and the man in the trilby who offered to take Rita home.
‘So, Nellie saved the old lady’s life?’ Jack shook his head. ‘How is this Mrs Reagan? Will she be all right?’
‘We got her home somehow, because she was in agony, and we stayed with her for a while. Then I went to see the woman next door, and she was really good. She’s taken Rita in her house, and she’s keeping her there until tomorrow. I was relieved, because I didn’t like the thought of a woman of her age being left alone after the shock she’d had. It was enough to bring on a stroke.’
‘Yer’ve had quite a day, then, love?’ Jack reached for Molly’s hand. ‘No one can say you and Nellie lead dull lives.’
‘I’d be lost without me mate, sunshine. No matter how bad a situation is, she always ends up making everyone laugh. Take today for example. Who would have thought that after the drama and shock of nearly being run over by a bus, Mrs Reagan would be shedding tears of laughter? Only Nellie could bring that about. She was making fun of being a hero, but she was a real hero today. That old lady would have been under the wheels of the bus only for her quick thinking. I was useless – I didn’t see the old lady, or the bus, until it was too late. I made up for it later, making sure Mrs Reagan is
being looked after, but I couldn’t compete with Nellie today. She was the tonic that was needed.’
‘Auntie Nellie is really funny, isn’t she, Mam?’ Ruthie’s hands were cupping her chin. ‘She’s been a good mate to you. Like me and Bella are good mates.’
‘Yer’ll go a long way to find a mate as funny as yer Auntie Nellie, sunshine, because they broke the mould after she was born.’
Now Ruthie loved her Auntie Nellie, but she loved her mother more. ‘Mam, you’re just as funny as she is, because if you weren’t there to encourage her, she wouldn’t be so comical. You feed her the lines, and it’s like a partnership. Like Laurel and Hardy! Now they were funny as a team, but I bet they couldn’t have done it without each other.’
‘I may set her up and lead her on, but I couldn’t think up half the things she comes out with. Now I’ve told yer the serious side of our day, I’ll give as good an impersonation of my mate as I can. And I’ll try to do her justice.’ Molly looked across at her daughter. ‘If you’ve made arrangements to go out with Bella, sunshine, then perhaps yer should go now, before I start. Yer can’t let Bella down.’
‘We’re not going anywhere tonight, Mam, so I’m not in any hurry. I’d rather have a laugh with you and me dad, and Bella won’t mind if I’m later than usual.’
Molly stood behind her chair, hoping she remembered all the words. ‘I’m with Mrs Reagan’s neighbour, whose name is Hilda, and she’s walking behind me. The front door is ajar, so we just walk in. I could hear Nellie talking, and made a sign to Hilda to be quiet and listen. And this is what we heard.’
Molly folded her arms across her bosom, and began to pace the room, ranting, ‘“What the hell is my mate doing all this time? I bet she’s talking the ear off yer neighbour, saying she was the one what pulled yer out of harm’s way and saved yer life. Well, I’ll put yer neighbour wise when she comes in. I’m not taking a back seat while me mate basks in the glory. Sod that for a lark!”’
