So I left that house in ten minutes, but I didn’t know where I would go. I just walked and walked, and I was crying. I don’t have no money, nothing. So I think I wait till late, when everybody go home, and I kill myself, on the street. I think, but I don’t do; I be scared. I’m chicken, you know, I’m only seventeen years old. I don’t want to die.
So I go to my friend’s house. I told her what happened to me. She tell me that her sister married an American, and she ask me, “You want to go with an American?” I say, “Yeah.” She ask why, and I say, “Because I can’t go back my home anymore. I don’t want to die. I need someone to help take care of me.” She say, “Remember, you not even seventeen years old yet.” I say, “Yeah, next month I be seventeen. Please help me.”
So she told her sister, and her sister tell her husband; and he bring his friend home to see me, and I get pregnant, the first man who come with me. You realize what I say? I’m seventeen years old, the first man in my life, and I get pregnant. So I have Ha, my first son.
I lived in Saigon with that man, my first boyfriend. He was an MP. He got a house for me. Then he went to An Khe, and I went with him. After nine months he left for the States. He wrote me, he sent me money, but he have a wife in the States I didn’t know about that. Three months after he left, Ha was born, that was 1969, and then I went to work in a club, you know a dancing club. I be a cashier. I don’t have that guy’s address now because after ’75, when the VC come, all my addresses and pictures, everything, I burn all. People told me if the Communists come in your house and see American pictures, they kill you. So I’m scared, I burn all.
In 1971, I got my children Ngoc and Son from an orphanage. I think maybe Son is Korean, I don’t know about him. Ngoc is black like me.
In 1975 the VC come, and they throw me out of Saigon. They tell me I have to go to the mountain. If I don’t go there and be a farmer, they gonna put me in jail. They put my mother in jail, yeah. They say she work for the CIA. I don’t know why they say that. They put many people in jail. Oh, you know, they say you work for the CIA and then they arrest you.
They sent me and my kids to Tay Ninh. I stayed there two years and worked as a farmer. There was no school, no hospital, nothing. I go to work, and the kids just stay in the house all day. One day I think my kids will die, because they tell everybody to go to work, but they don’t give us no rice, no nothing. So we go to work, and after two hours we come home. Our children don’t have food. My kids are all laying down, sick, hardly moving. I realize then that if I stay there we die, so I have to get out of that place. I don’t want to think about that anymore. [Chau is in tears and must pause.]
So we left Tay Ninh. I walked, me and many people, we walked, from seven at night to four in the morning. We had no ride, no bus. We walked for two days. We walked to Saigon, all the way, many people. We hide from the Communists. We don’t walk in the daytime. We walk in the nighttime so they don’t see us.
When we get to Saigon, we go back to my mother’s house and stay there. My stepfather was gone, he went off to live with another woman. My mother paid off the Communists, so they didn’t make me go back to Tay Ninh, but they never give us no papers to stay in Saigon and no ID.
In 1982 I married a Vietnamese man, but we get divorced in 1986. He was a very bad person, he smoke cocaine. One month after I divorce him, I have my baby son Hong Van.
In Vietnam, so many people they bother my Amerasian kids, Ngoc and Ha. They say, “Go home, American,” . . . so my kids come home and cry. I say, “Forget about that, just don’t go out.” My children, they are good, but Ha sometime in Vietnam he drink, somebody call him “American,” and he fight. Then it’s a problem. But that’s only sometimes. Ha is smart, he study good; but he always going after the girls, too many ladies . . .. That’s why he doesn’t remember his English. In Vietnam he had a Vietnamese girlfriend. He wanted to marry her and bring her here, but she don’t have an ID card, so they did not let her come here.
Son is smart, Thu also. My children, they didn’t go to school in Vietnam, but I taught them at home. They can read and write. Because in Saigon you have to have the ID card. If you don’t have it, you can’t go to school.
We left Vietnam because there was nothing to do there. What would happen to my son and daughter there? They can’t do nothing. We can’t have job, we can’t make money, we don’t have no freedom. What we do there? I apply to go to America in 1982, but I have no paper, no ID, and the Communists say, “If you have no ID, you cannot make paper to go.” So we wait, almost ten years. Always they tell me, “It’s not time for you to go yet.”
I could have gone to America in ’71 or ’72. In 1970 I have American boyfriend, you know. He went back to America, and he tells me that he will come to Vietnam again, but I don’t believe him, you know. I think that he will forget me. But three months later I got a note from the American Embassy to go there. So I go and they tell me to make a paper, and I can go to America in only two months and marry my boyfriend. But I change my mind. I don’t know what would happen to me if I go myself. If he be in Vietnam and we make paper together, okay, maybe I go. But only myself, I be scared . . . and the paper was only for me. It didn’t have my children’s names. Now I’m sorry that I didn’t go. I won’t look for him now when I go to America. It’s a long time already. He has his life, I have mine. He maybe forgot me already, I don’t want to bother him. I never bother no people. I think nobody like me when I’m young, so I never bother anybody.
Ha, he talks about seeing his father. He wants to see what he looks like, to stay with him, to know him. I say, “Yeah, your father very handsome, but don’t you talk about finding your father and being with him, because he has his own life. He may have many children, he may have a wife. If you see him, okay, that’s good for you, but if not, forget about it.” He very sad when I say that, but what can I do?
Here in the PRPC I have some problems. Ha, he went down to the stream, he fell down and break his arm. So he have to go to the Balanga [the provincial capital] hospital for two weeks. One month later, my five year old fell down and break his arm, I have to go to Balanga again.
One time Ha get drunk, he drink after a class party. He talk not good with his teacher, so he go to jail. He only say, “Teacher, you loco, you no good,” and they send him to jail for twenty days. No big thing, but I feel bad, because I tell him not to do that.
My kids learned some English here, but Ngoc, she very shy. When she comes home, I ask her, “What you study in school today? Tell me, I want to listen.” She say, “I know, I know,” but she don’t want to talk. I say, “You can speak English, come on, me and you will speak English.” But she very shy. I tell her, “You too shy. When you go to America, what you gonna do? Nobody can speak Vietnamese with you.”
Postscript: After about two hours of talking, Chau felt that she had pulled up enough emotions for one day. “I got more I want to tell you,” she said, “but let’s save it for another time.” Several days later Chau worked with me as an interpreter for an interview with an Amerasian boy incarcerated in the PRPC rehab center, but had no chance to continue her own story.
About a week later, I spoke to Son and Ngoc, the two children that Chau said she had adopted from an orphanage. When I mentioned this adoption, the kids looked puzzled. They spoke rapidly among themselves, then Son spoke directly to my interpreter. “We’re not adopted,” he told her. “Chau is our real mother.”
I immediately backed off the topic, but resolved to ask Chau about it. Four days later I went up to her billet in neighborhood two. A neighbor was out watering his small garden, dipping a perforated Dole pineapple juice can into a plastic bucket and sending an arc of droplets up and down the rows of vegetables. He paused when he saw me, his expression told me that I was too late. “Chau not here,” he said in halting English. “She go America yesterday.”
Appendix: Changes of Province and City Names in Vietnam After 1975
GLOSSARY
Amerasian Park: The nickn
ame of a small park in Ho Chi Minh City near the Independence Palace, Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and the offices of the American Orderly Departure Program. Its proximity to the latter two locations, where, respectively, exit visas for Vietnam are granted and interviews for acceptance to the United States via the Orderly Departure Program are held, made it a convenient gathering spot for Amerasians, as well as any other Vietnamese trying to leave Vietnam for the United States. It was known to be the place where Vietnamese proficient in English filled out Orderly Departure Program applications for potential immigrants—for a price. Most Amerasians who are not Ho Chi Minh City residents now wait for departure from Vietnam in the Dam Sen Amerasian Center in another part of the city.
ancestor worship (Dao Tho Ong Ba): A Vietnamese religion of Chinese origin. Practitioners venerate and pray to their forebears.
ao dai: The traditional dress of Vietnamese women and girls, consisting of a long flowing blouse slit on both sides, worn over loose trousers.
ARVN: Army of the Republic of Vietnam
billet: Refugee quarters in the Philippine Refugee Processing Center. Constructed of wood and asbestos, each two-story billet is about eight feet by twenty feet and is part of a row of ten such connected enclosures. As many as twelve people may share a single billet.
blue guard: The blue uniformed Filipino security guards at the Philippine Refugee Processing Center.
bu cu: A lot, plenty. From the French “beaucoup.”
Cao Dai: Vietnamese religion which reverences figures as diverse as Buddha, Jesus, and Victor Hugo. From 1938 to 1955 the Cao Dai maintained a private army and wielded considerable influence in the Mekong Delta region, as well as in areas northwest of Saigon. The center of the Cao Dai religion is in Tay Ninh province.
Charlie: Viet Cong.
CID: Criminal Investigation Division of the U.S. Army.
cluster sites: American cities which, by virtue of their reputedly adequate resettlement and social services, receive large numbers of Amerasian free cases. In 1992 there were fifty-five such sites.
CO: Commanding Officer
Community and Family Services International (CFSI): Implements a program for mental health for refugees in the Philippine Refugee Processing Center. Included in their services are guidance and counseling, mental health education, paraprofessional training, and treatment of psychiatric cases.
con lai: Person of mixed blood. Often used derogatorily, carrying the connotation of “half-breed.”
cong: A measurement of land in Vietnam equal to about one thousand square meters.
dai bang: Eagle. It is used to denote the chief or the top man. In prison, it refers to the chief prisoner, the boss of the other inmates.
Dam Sen Amerasian Center: Holding center for Amerasians and their families awaiting departure for the Philippine Refugee Processing Center. The center is located in the Dam Sen area of Ho Chi Minh City.
dan gao: Vietnamese string instrument.
Dienbienphu: Village in northwestern Vietnam which was the site of France’s final defeat by the Viet Minh in 1954.
dong: Piaster. Vietnamese currency. In 1992 the dong exchange rate in Vietnam was 10,800 to the U.S. dollar.
Economic Police: The post-1975 branch of law enforcement in Vietnam that cracked down on capitalist activities such as vending and trading, often confiscating merchants’ goods.
family book (Ho Khau): Also called household register. The document in which the names of all the people residing in a given household appear. Without a name in a proper household register, one cannot legally live in a place, work, or study. Authorities often revoked the household register of families or individuals they wished to force out of their current residences and to the New Economic Zones, leaving them little choice but to comply.
free case: A refugee or refugee family in the PRPC that has no sponsoring relatives in the United States.
gold case: A term used in the Philippine Refugee Processing Center to denote a Vietnamese family or individual that has “bought” an Amerasian. Many Vietnamese will pay the bribes necessary for an Amerasian and themselves to secure exit visas from Vietnam. In exchange, the Amerasian claims them as legitimate family on his or her documents, enabling them to accompany the Amerasian to the United States under the auspices of the Homecoming Act. Amerasians often lack the resources to make the requisite payoffs themselves and thus accept these bogus families as a means of avoiding years of waiting for departure from Vietnam. Amerasians and their legitimate families also often receive payment in gold for this transaction.
Hoa Hao: An independent Buddhist sect, popular in the Mekong Delta region. It was both anti—French and anti—Communist. In the 1940s and 50s, the Hoa Hao maintained its own military forces.
Hoa Lo Prison: A prison in Hanoi, nicknamed the “Hanoi Hilton” by American prisoners who were held there.
hold, on hold: In the terminology of the Philippine Refugee Processing Center, a refugee whose departure to the United States has been delayed or postponed.
Homecoming Act: Also known as the Amerasian Homecoming Act or the Mrazek Act, it allows for Vietnamese Amerasians and specified members of their families to enter the United States as immigrants, while retaining eligibility for refugee benefits.
hootch: In GI jargon, a basic dwelling.
household register: See “family book.”
Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS): Interviews applicants for asylum in the United States and rules on their eligibility.
International Catholic Migration Commission (ICMC): In the Philippine Refugee Processing Center, ICMC offers English as a Second Language (ESL), Cultural Orientation (CO), and Work Orientation (WO) classes to refugees seventeen to fifty-five years old and operates the Preparatory for American Secondary School (PASS) program for refugees eleven and a half to sixteen years old.
International Organization for Migration (IOM): Offers health care to refugees in the Philippine Refugee Processing Center.
IOM Card: Enables refugees in the Philippine Refugee Processing Center to obtain selected health care services, including immunization and treatment for communicable diseases. Also enables refugees to obtain medical screening and documentation, as well as transportation.
Joint Voluntary Agency (JVA): Facilitates the search for, and selection of, sponsors for refugees.
Kampuchea Krom: In the Khmer language, the part of South Vietnam previously belonging to Cambodia, which was taken by the Vietnamese in the eighteenth century.
Khmer Krom: Ethnic Khmer (Cambodian) inhabitant of Kampuchea Krom (see Kampuchea Krom).
labor camp: See reeducation camp.
lai den: Black Amerasian. Often used derogatorily.
Lambretta: A three-wheeled vehicle, popular as public transportation in Vietnam.
Ma roc: Refers to any black North African soldier with the French Colonial Army.
MACV: Military Assistance Command, Vietnam
Mau Thanh: The year of the monkey. Also frequently used to refer to the Communist offensive of 1968, which took place on Tet, the Vietnamese New Year, in the year of the monkey.
monkey house: Prison, jail, reeducation camp, and especially, the detention center at the Philippine Refugee Processing Center.
My den: Literally “black American,” but used to refer to black Amerasians, often derogatory.
My lai: Amerasian. Often used derogatorily.
neighborhood: One of the ten sections of the Philippine Refugee Processing Center, each containing refugee billets, classrooms, and a rudimentary clinic.
New Economic Zones (NEZ): Undeveloped tracts of rural land lacking any amenities, to which many South Vietnamese, especially city dwellers having ties with the previous regime, were sent to live and work by the Communist regime after 1975.
number 10: Vietnamese-English slang for very bad, the worst.
Orderly Departure Program: A program created in 1979 to provide a safe alternative to dangerous flight from Vietnam by boat or overland. ODP officers
interview applicants in Ho Chi Minh City for resettlement in sponsor countries. The American ODP program has been the main conduit out of Vietnam for Amerasians and their families.
pesos: Philippine currency, valued in August of 1992 at about twenty-two to the U.S. dollar.
Philippine Refugee Processing Center (PRPC): Refugee camp in Bataan province of the Philippines to which Southeast Asian refugees already accepted for resettlement to the U.S. are sent to complete a five-month educational program including English as a Second Language, Cultural Orientation, and Work Orientation prior to their departure for the United States. Three hundred and seventeen thousand refugees passed through the PRPC as of December 1991. Amerasians started coming to the PRPC in 1985.
piasters: See “dong.”
Quan Am: Buddhist goddess of mercy.
reeducation camp: Camp in which “undesirables,” mainly those previously connected to the South Vietnamese regime or its army or to the American war effort, are imprisoned and subjected to forced labor and political indoctrination.
resettlement agency: Offers various services to refugees and immigrants arriving in the United States. These services often include assistance in house and job search, welfare registration, entry into ESL classes, and counseling.
Saigon Tea: Watery concoction drunk by Vietnamese bar girls. Women working in bars would coax customers to buy them glasses of Saigon tea, for which they received a commission.
split case: Situation in which refugees arriving in the Philippine Refugee Processing Center under the same case number, indicating that they will be housed and resettled together, effectively sever ties and go their own way.
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