He’s playing a dirty game, but I don’t know what I expected. He’s Grey fucking McCallister; strategy is his birthright. Fuck. I don’t want to think about this anymore. No more Grey. No more Liam. Not today.
Kai hands me a glass as Caroline looks at me like she’s reading every thought. She probably is, but I don’t care anymore. I’m done giving a shit about anything anymore.
“Drink? You look like you could use one.”
Smiling as my fingers pluck the glass from him, I throw it back with a determined insistence toward my new goal of numbness. The bubbles slide down my throat, and I hold out the flute for a refill as soon as it’s dry.
Caroline snaps her fingers in response to my boldness, offering up her filled glass to me. “I think I’m crushing on this version of you, Donovan. But what will your boyfriends think?”
I exchange flutes and toss that one back too, licking the excess from my lips. “Fuck them. I chose me. Didn’t you hear?”
The music is turned up, and I throw my arms in the air, swaying to the bass in the back of the limo, and let myself give in, feeling the warmth of the alcohol and the fire in my bones sets in.
Don’t think. Just be. Fuck everything.
Day turned to night quickly. We shopped all afternoon, filling the trunk and having to call another car to deliver the rest of our bags back to our respective houses, but not before changing outfits for tonight’s festivities. We went to dinner, barely ate, all while socializing and being seen as Caroline put it. But we were mostly seen opting for smoke breaks and more alcohol. Now we’re at a very exclusive club, full of socialites and celebrities, all the world’s assholes packed onto the dance floor, pulsating with the music in two-thousand-dollar microminis and shredded Givenchy jeans.
It’s everything I’m the most familiar with, and no matter how loud the voice is getting in the back of my mind, screaming at me to stop before this train derails, I drown it out with more of everything—especially booze and denial.
My entire body is buzzing as my feet leave the ground, jumping to the breakdown in the music and throwing my arms in the air. Kai took the deejay stand about a half hour ago, taking the crowd from well-dressed socialites to sweaty hedonistic subjects. He’s king here. It’s incredible—he spins like the Christian Grey of music, dominating, and all I want to scream is “yes, please, and more, sir.” It’s a wonder he commits even as much as he does to Caroline, because with so many eyes on him, the choices are endless.
Choices. No, fuck that. Choices are the devil’s way of reminding you that you’ll lose.
Some random guy comes up behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist and grinding against my backside. I melt into him willingly and reach back to grab the back of his neck, letting my body lose itself in the music. Caroline smiles as she dances closer to my front, throwing an arm over my shoulder, and brings a little white pill to my lips.
Molly made an appearance a few hours ago, turning Caroline into the friendliest person imaginable. I’d passed originally, but now my resolve is weak. Fuck it. Her fingers brush my lips with half of a pill right as we’re bumped, causing her hand to falter and drop my happy onto the floor.
I look down at the booze-soaked cement and back to Caroline’s amused face.
“Shit.”
Caroline starts laughing hysterically, and I join in like the drunken fool I am, falling into her and forgetting there was anyone behind me dancing. The next song starts, and the electronic beats rouse the room into a frenzy. I shake my head side to side, tossing my hair and yelling out, pumping my arms up at Kai as he smiles down at us.
“Wooo!”
“I need more water.”
Caroline yells it into my ear, grabbing my hand, and I nod as she tugs me back to our booth. She’s become my favorite person tonight, probably because I’m wasted, and she’s rolling hard, but my favorite nonetheless. She uncharacteristically plops down into the plush maroon booth and leans over, grabbing another bottle of water after tossing her empty one onto the seat. She twists the top and chugs it back, also uncharacteristic of someone usually so pristine. I like her better when she’s grimy. Her bad and my bad get along just fine.
I grab the bottle of champagne from the table, realizing it’s not champagne but vodka, and begin to look up for the ice bucket, but it’s decidedly missing.
“Yes,” Caroline moans, as she rubs her back over the fabric, enjoying the hypersensitivity from the molly, and closes her eyes.
“Where the fuck is the ice bucket?”
Leaning over the table, I search through the bottles, coming up empty. I look over my shoulder, a realization beginning to take root.
“What’d you say? Oh my God, you have to feel this, it’s amazing. Like a million tiny hands giving me a massage. Come here, you need this.”
Her arms outstretch, reaching up for me, her hands opening and closing and trying to coax me over, but my eyes survey the table again, a giggle escaping. “Care. Holy shit. I think we’re at the wrong table.”
“You are.”
A deep voice from behind me makes me jump with a squeal attached, almost dropping the Grey Goose bottle, but whoever the voice belongs to reaches out and grabs it, using the other to steady me. I turn around, embarrassed, immediately staring into a set of bright green eyes. The handsome stranger leans in, making me stumble back in reaction, my ass hitting the table right as I grab hold of the edge of it.
“Easy,” he laughs, placing his hand on my waist, and keeps some space between us. “Where are you going?”
He’s hot. Nice smile. Beautiful eyes. And the absolute last thing I need. I already have two of those I can’t stop thinking about. Dammit, I did it again.
“Sorry. I’m turned around. We’ll go. Because there’s champagne at ours.”
He smiles down at me, and I feel so dumb. I’m not sure anything I just said even makes sense. Fuck, I’m wasted. I point my finger toward the direction I need to go and reach back behind me, tapping the table for Caroline’s attention.
“If I get champagne, will you stay?”
I blink up at him, not answering, and giggle. His persistence is cute.
“No? No drink, huh? Okay.” A ginger guy with killer blue eyes walks up behind him, staring at Caroline likes she’s his next meal. My head swings back to see Care smiling back at him, with a ticker tape of naughty ideas written all over her face.
A finger under my chin brings me back to the green eyes standing in front of me. “Would you like a case of champagne? How about this bar? Name it, stunner, and it’s yours, so long as you stay.”
I wrinkle my nose and laugh. “Do you typically buy random girls a bar?”
He leans in and touches my chin with his finger. “You aren’t random. You’re the kiss that got away.”
My eyes narrow, trying to make sense of what he’s saying, because the alcohol has made me super slow to the uptake. But the more I search his features—the sharp jawline, the broad rower’s build, the cocky look in his eyes… Oh shit. Shocked recognition must play out on my face because he smiles big and nods.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Donovan. I’m Paul Hearst.” He jerks his head to the side. “And this is Troy.”
Shit. Paul Hearst, the guy I almost kissed and the one who Grey and Liam hate. I only got a quick look at him before the race, but it’s definitely the same guy. Caroline stands and looks between Paul and his friend before smiling as she grabs Troy’s drink and takes a sip. He grabs the slim Gucci belt around her waist and begins walking backward out toward the dance floor. My eyes widen as she follows his lead, leaving me standing alone with Paul. What the fuck, Care? My hands come up to Paul’s chest as I push him back, because he’s leaned in closer, but he holds his ground.
He stares down at me, smirking. “Hey. Hey. Come on, Donnie? I thought we were getting to know each other.”
Donnie? No. I run a heavy hand through my hair, looking away. He’s too close, and I’m too drunk. This is all a bad idea. The voices
I was drowning out earlier are back and in full operatic tenor. I straighten my shoulders and look him in the eyes.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. My friends aren’t big fans of yours. So—”
“So? I don’t see Grey or Liam here. They must not be big fans of you either.”
My brows furrow, a scowl growing on my face, as words begin warring in my mind.
Paul’s right…no, Grey would kill you.
You don’t owe Grey shit. He made that declaration today… Doesn’t matter, you care even in the absence of him.
You hate who they hate… First, last, and only, bitch.
I try and squirm out of his grip, irritated by what he’s said, but he steps in closer, bringing his leg between mine. His hand is warm on my waist as his fingers knead it gently. It makes my stomach turn.
“But I’m a fan. You want to make me work for it?”
Drunk or not, I’m not loving this. “What? No. Okay, back up, Paul. We are so done here.”
I try and push his hand away, but he pulls me in toward him, smashing our bodies together.
“What the fuck, dude? Not interested.”
“That’s not what your body said when we were dancing.”
Oh fuck. No way.
“Or maybe you need a third?” His face dips down close to my neck. “Tell me, Donovan, are the rumors true? Are you a dirty girl?”
This isn’t happening.
“Fuck off, Paul. They’re going to break your fucking mouth for what you just said.”
“Big talk for a whore.”
I can’t help but laugh. Loud and in his face. If this is his arsenal of insults, he’s going to have to do better.
“A rich, pathetic asshole calling a girl a whore because she’s said ‘no’ is about as standard as peanut butter going with jelly. I am a whore, a dirty one. The things I’ve done would blow your mind. But I draw the line with you…that’s too low to stoop.”
“Consent’s optional.”
His lips close in on me as my hand raises to block him, getting sandwiched between our mouths. But he presses into my hand anyway as my fingernails dig into his face. It happens in the blink of an eye, and it’s done just as fast, but my eyes blink against what I swear is the flash of a camera as I push his face away.
“Get the fuck off of me.”
Paul stumbles back, his ass hitting the floor, and I’m shocked at my own strength until Kai is in my face, saying words. So many words, but I can’t focus. My eyes are blinking rapidly, and I bring a hand to wave at him to stop talking.
“Donovan,” Kai repeats, grabbing me by my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
My head nods as he asks again, making me blurt out, “Yes. Yes. I’m fine.”
Movement behind Kai has my gaze fixed over his shoulder as I tap his chest. Paul steps up as Kai pivots, bringing them face-to-face. Kai looks him up and down and laughs before saying something that makes Paul’s face pale, and his hands go up in retreat.
Fuck you, Paul. My stomach churns at the thought of what just happened. Oh shit, I’m going to be sick. I turn, pushing past Kai and the other people watching the commotion, to head to the bathroom, but Kai grabs my arm and leads me quickly, bypassing the line and shutting the door behind him. My feet rush to the stall, as my stomach protests all the alcohol and shame into the toilet.
The sink running is the only sound I hear as I wait for a moment, squatted in front of the porcelain. I pull some toilet paper, folding it into a square and wiping my mouth. What the fuck am I doing? An hour ago, this was glamorous and wild. Now, it’s as if all the shine has worn off, and I can see it for what it really is—a stupid decision to pretend my heart isn’t breaking.
“I want to go home.” My voice is barely a whisper, but Kai answers by helping me up and turning me around so I can wrap my arms around his neck, engulfed in his arms. I want to cry, but I don’t deserve to be sad.
“Come on, pretty girl.”
The shine in my eyes caused by my burgeoning tears makes my sight blurry as I pull back and look down at my hands.
“Grey discarded me today, so I threw myself away. He holds so much of me I don’t feel like I’m in control, and that’s a bad place for me to be, Kai. Please don’t let this—” I motion behind me at the stall. “—don’t let this be who I am to you.”
“Gorgeous, we all do stupid shit over boys. Present company included. No judgment from me. I love you too much for that.” The tenderness in his voice is juxtaposed from the deep timbre in it, and that makes me smile.
“Thanks, Kai.”
“No need to thank me. But some advice?”
I nod as I walk to the sink to rinse my mouth.
“Cut yourself some slack, Donovan. You’ll never be perfect, and the only person who seems to require that is you, because from where I’m sitting, there are two hot-ass boys who like you, just as you are.”
“I care for them too, but life’s not that simple. They want to force me into choosing between them, and I don’t want to do that. I can’t explain it, but I need them both, and I don’t want to lose either. Which means friendship only.”
I look at him through the mirror, as he crosses his arms. “You can’t have them both. You do realize that? Not when you really only want one.”
“How do you know I want him?” I won’t even say his name. Grey doesn’t even get that.
“Donovan, you had to have made your choice years ago. Because it was obvious the first day to everyone around the two of you. And the harder you fight that shit, the worse life will get. Fate, nature, whatever, it needs to take its course. Don’t fuck with the natural order, gorgeous.”
His reflection in the mirror is locked on my face as I wipe the back of my hand over my mouth. “Let me ask you something. What would you do if you were me? I barely know how to love myself but him…it’s like second nature. What I feel for him scares me, always has. He’ll make me clingy. Jealous. I’ll want to hide him away from everyone, keep him as mine all the time. Jesus, I basically already did that the day I met Caroline. That’s not love, Kai. That’s possession.”
“Maybe. But he’s more than strong enough to handle you and then some. I’m sure he’d prefer you kept it interesting. Fall for him. Let him love you, Donovan. He might just show you how to do it too.”
My brows draw together. “Loving me means sacrifice, Kai. How can I say I love him and ask that?”
He comes up behind me and kisses the top of my head. “I don’t know, but since you can’t even say his name, I’d say you aren’t ready to do that anyway.”
I turn into his chest and wrap my arms around his ribs, hugging him with all the love I have for Kai.
“Come on. Let’s go.” He gives me a wink, before taking my hand. “All those girls out there have pissed in their expensive Agent Provocateur panties while we cry over boys.”
He leads me out of the bathroom. Kai motions to security as we walk toward the front entrance. It looks as if they’ve been guarding Caroline.
“Did you arrange that?”
“I did. Wanted to make sure she stayed in a happy place and to get Troy away from her.”
We walk outside and Caroline comes up and hugs me, clearly still rolling, and lays her head on Kai’s shoulder.
“Where to next?”
He looks down at her, slightly frowning. “Home. Time for bed, Care.”
She smiles up seductively, but he shakes his head, making her pout as the limo pulls up and the driver jumps out to open our door.
“Steve’s got you, guys. He’s familiar with the routine.” Kai motions his head toward Caroline. “He’ll drop you first and then make sure Caroline is helped into her house. I have to finish my set. Will you be okay?”
“Yes. Go. I’m pretty sober now. And thanks again.”
I give him another hug and take Caroline’s hand, letting her into the back first. Kai stands at the curb, one hand in his pocket, the other giving a small wave as we pull away.
Carolin
e’s head leans onto my shoulder as we sit in silence before she asks, “Did something happen between you and Kai? Why were you in the bathroom?”
I give her head a gentle nudge so that I can turn to look at her.
“No. Never. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Her face is drawn, almost sad. It has to be the drugs—she’s in that stage where she’s feeling all manner of emotions. I reach out and tickle her arm gently, knowing that will calm her, but her words shock me into stillness.
“I’m such a fucking mess. Kai can’t really ever love me. Nobody can.” Her words are so sincere and remind me of myself. “I always hurt. It’s as if I can feel everything, every emotion, all the time, with the exception of happiness. Do you ever feel like that?”
I sweep a piece of her hair off her forehead and give a little shrug. “We’re all a mess. Our lives are tragic and beautiful, and we survive the best we can. You might want to stop self-medicating though. I’m not really one to give that piece of advice right now, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Trust me.”
The way she searches my eyes, it makes me feel like she needs more of what I’m saying. She’s pleading for someone to be her friend.
“Confess. How bad were you? I mean, the way you came back and never really let on why. I could tell something was up. Spain must’ve been something wicked.”
I gnaw my lip as I struggle with wanting to tell her, but not fully trusting her. An hour ago, I would’ve probably spilled my guts, but now I’m less drunk, so the worry is stronger.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. I get it, D. I’ve never given you any reason to trust me. That’s twisted, right? I don’t know what it’s like to have girlfriends, and I’m not sure I can even be a good friend, but you seem to understand…so I thought…”
“No. I do understand.”
Timing is a funny thing. When the opportunity to let go presents itself, it can’t be ignored. Who knew it would be in the back of a limo, smelling like puke with my high-as-fuck frenemy turned friend. A hard breath leaves my body, taking with it the weight of what I’ve been carrying.
Filthy Little Pretties Page 23
