I knew she was feeling guilt over what I'd said. Another domino effect. I stood and said, "Need anything from the kitchen? Juice?"
"Juice," Mamma agreed and asked for a pen and a sheet of paper. She wrote a couple words down, folded the paper, and stuck it in an envelope. She asked me to stick it in the basket for mail to go out, so I did. She watched me go to the kitchen with a wistful smile.
I found Emma at the sink. She was rinsing the cups, looking out at the snow-covered picnic table in the backyard.
I put my arms around her stomach. She didn't jump, so I knew she heard me. I pulled her hair to the side and pressed my lips to the skin under her ear. She sighed and leaned back into me a little bit, even if she was upset with me.
"I'm sorry, baby." I kissed her skin again. "I didn't mean that I regret finding you or that everything we are was built on bad things."
"I know," she lied and turned with a teary smile that she tried to play off. "I know. And I know it was good for you to talk it all out with your mom. I hope you feel better about things."
"Emma," I steered us back on track. "I mean it."
"Mason, she's your mom," she reasoned and shrugged. "Of course if you have to pick meeting me or your mom never having the accident, you'd pick that. Of course you would."
"That's not what this is. It's not me picking that over you. I just felt…so guilty that…" She shuddered a little with the strain of holding in the sob. I felt like such a bastard. "It was all just spewing out. I'm sorry. I would never have said that to you. I just feel guilty sometimes that I can be so…happy with you, that I can't imagine ever having been this happy with someone else had the accident not happened that led me to you. It's like I'm…grateful."
She pressed her lips together. "I'm sorry. The way we met before my accident…it just all felt like destiny or something to me. It was more than just me loving you, it was like we…belonged. I thought what we have was good for you, to help push your past away."
"It is," I urged and took her face in my hands. "Please don't think for a second that it's not. I love you, Em. I love you so much and I wouldn't want this to go away for anything in the world. We're not made of bad memories, we're made of salvation. You saved me the day you woke up and I'll always be grateful to you for that."
She looked at my chest, not believing me. I sighed again at my stupidity. I hated that she felt like she was the cause of guilt for me. I lifted her chin and gazed into her gorgeous eyes for a few needed seconds before latching onto her mouth with nothing but love. And I'm sure a whole lot of reverence and adoration because I couldn't hide that. She kissed me back, but it was the first time that her heart and soul weren't in it. She didn't kiss me with abandon like she usually did. She kissed me back with doubt clinging to the edges.
I hated that I was the one to put it there.
My tongue licked at the seam of her lips, waiting for her to open for me. When she did, I felt some of that crumble away and succumb. The noise that escaped her was a sigh as much as it was a moan. I pulled back, kissing her slower and slower. Her cheeks were flushed and she looked so kissable that it was hard to pull away. I gave her a look to tell her we'd finish this later—the conversation and the kiss. With one final kiss to her forehead, I grabbed a bottle of juice out of the fridge and took Emma's hand, towing her with me so she couldn't stew in the kitchen.
When we entered, Mom's gaze swung to mine and her lips parted in surprise. "Mason? What happened to…"
I knew I'd lost her again. Though I would keep her with me always, this one long day to spend with her when it wasn't supposed to be medically possible, this one day to close the door on the regret and guilt, was worth it. The nurse had come in at some point and patted Mom's shoulder.
I sighed and felt a hundred pounds lift from my shoulders. My mother, the only person who could ever have given me the peace and forgiveness I thought I needed, but wasn't able to with her new mind, finally gave me that last little puzzle piece. I felt whole and light and though I missed my mom with a clear head, she would always be my mom. I needed to remember that though I took care of her, it was her job first, and she always did take care of us.
I turned to Emma with a smile to tell her I was sorry once again and that I felt really, truly free, but she was staring at Mom with teary eyes. My smile slipped away before she could even see it. "What's the matter, Em?"
"First, I make you feel guilty for loving me with all the steps it took to get to me…and now I've taken your mom's last minutes of clarity because you thought you had to come make me feel better."
"No, Em. We knew it wasn't going to last."
"But you could've spent it with her 'til the last second that she was here with you." She closed her eyes. One lone tear broke my heart.
"Em, don't. I'm OK. I got to spend all day with her-"
"Maybe I should have left and let you have it with her by yourself. Then you wouldn't have felt like you had to hold back."
I let a slow breath go. "I wanted you here with me. I wanted her to meet you and know exactly who you were and that I was going to be OK. That I found someone that made me happy."
"Yeah," she whispered. "Happy and guilty."
I didn't know what to say to her to get her to understand. She was so good at saving me from myself, and I apparently wasn't good at doing the same for her.
"Emma, it's been four years. Four years of self loathing." I cupped her cheek. "That takes a long time to undo. When you helped me see that my mom's accident was just that, an accident, that I couldn't take the blame for other people's actions? I understood and accepted it. But for some reason, it's hard to let go of it all. It still sticks and clings to things. I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my mom in four years, and not being able to talk to her about the accident, about everything, it all just came flooding back. It was like this was the final piece, the final straw, and now I can finally, finally be free of it. I guess I held on to a little bit of that self-hate and blame because only the person who I had hurt could set me free."
She nodded slowly. "OK."
"Em…" I heard myself growl low, "baby, you're everything to me. You're my saving grace, the very heart in my chest. I'm nothing but a hollow man with not a thing to look forward to without you. I thought that's what my life was going to be, and then you came bursting into my world and made all the color come back. You don't ever have to worry about where you belong, because you belong right here." I kissed her palm and then put her hand over my heart. "I'm so sorry that I made you doubt that."
She sniffed and I wiped the wetness away with my thumb. I had to fix this. I leaned forward, pressing my lips to her hair and whispered how sorry I was, over and over. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, baby."
"Mason," she sighed and pulled back a little. "I believe that you're sorry." She licked her lips. "I'm going to go home and pack up some of my things, OK? You can come by later and help me, if you want."
My phone dinged with a text message. I didn't dare open it right then. "I can go now."
"Just stay here with your mom for a little bit."
My phone dinged again and she sighed, giving me an irritated look that I couldn't blame her for. I opened it up quickly. It was one of those stupid texts I'd been getting for months now that were to the wrong number.
You never gave me a chance.
Perfect timing, I growled to myself. Way to piss off Emma even more. I showed her so she'd know it was something inconsequential and didn't matter. I stuck it in my pocket and was about to tell her I'd get my coat when she beat me to it.
She looked over at Mom as the nurse took her blood pressure. "Just…be with her for a while."
I knew she just wanted to be alone. I was fine with that. As long as giving her space didn't mean that she was over-thinking. I kissed her lips once before she grabbed her coat and keys and headed to her car. She left her gloves, scarf, and hat, but I didn't say anything.
I stood in the frame of the door
and watched her get in her car and back out. When she reversed out into the street and put it in drive, she paused and looked out her window at me.
I didn't like that pause.
I raised my hand to stop her, but she was already going. I sighed and rubbed my forehead. God, help me, I was stupid sometimes. I'd give her a little bit and then I was going after her. And she better be ready to swoon, because I wasn't letting her out of my arms until she understood that she was home in them.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Emma
As soon as I pulled into the driveway, I got a call. I thought it was Mason and I wasn't really ready to talk about it again, but I looked anyway. It wasn't him.
"Hey, Mrs. Betty."
"Hey there." She sounded tired.
"You OK?"
"Oh, I'm fine. I've been working all day. I'm just getting off, but I thought there was something you should know."
"OK…"
"Adeline got fired. Remember your therapist?"
"How could I forget? What happened?" And why does it involve me?
"It's all very hush, hush," she said in a loud whisper. "But it turns out that she's been making all these weird phone calls from the office phone. Then the janitor found a huge stack of pictures and papers, letters, and…stuff in her office. They confronted her about it, and the next thing I know, bam. She packed up her office and left."
"OK. Well…that sucks, but what does that have to do with me?"
"Emma, the pictures…were of Mason. And her. And you. The letters were notes she wrote, letters to him that she never gave him, a journal type thing, things he said to her while they worked here, things he did to her-"
"What?" I breathed in agony. He told me there wasn't anything going on with—
"No, not like that. It said things like Mason brushed me off today again. One day he'll go out with me. Or Mason is so naïve for falling for that little cheerleader. Or…Mason and Emma should run their car off Bigg's Cliff."
I scoffed. "OK," I said. I still wasn't sure what to make of it. "She's jealous. I'll keep an eye open."
"Good. I'm not saying you should get a restraining order or anything. I mean, she never did anything or contacted you, right?"
"No, never."
"OK. Well, be careful. I'm sure there's a good reason. With Mason, there always is. See you in a week." I could hear her grin as she hummed, "Dun, dun, duh, dunnnn."
I laughed sadly. "Thanks, Mrs. B."
We hung up and I started to get out, glancing in my rearview mirror on the way, but stopped. At the end of my driveway sat a red car. I got out and turned to look at it. Mrs. Betty had me paranoid now, of course, but I realized I wasn't paranoid at all when Adeline pressed the gas and drove by. She stared me down the entire time until she was out of view.
My heart beat faster. Oh, no. Was she about to be trouble for us? And how did she have pictures of her and Mason? Had Mason not told me something?
I reached inside the car to call Mason and tell him, but stopped. My calendar reminded me of my appointment in the next town over. I had completely forgotten with all the excitement of Mason's mom that I had to pick up his gift today.
My parents had set up college funds for me forever ago, so school was taken care of. However, they must have expected me to go to like Yale or something, because the community college's tuition for the year barely put a dent in that account. I told them I wanted them to take back the money I wasn't using, but they refused. They said working while going to school was stressful and they set the money aside for me for college. That included living money. When Mason proposed, I thought they might change their minds and take the money back, but no. Dad had written the check out to the college and given me bank cards for it before I could even ask.
And the first time I tried to pay them a payment for the Mini Cooper, they said it was paid off already. So, I had money for Christmas and they swore a million times it was perfectly fine. They were my parents after all. I was their daughter.
I stuck the phone back in my pocket and climbed back in the car. My phone dinged with a text just as I was pulling out.
I love you. So much. You know that right?
What timing. I smiled in spite of the situation. I looked both ways before backing out. I tried to tell myself I wasn't looking for Adeline's car, but I kind of was. I pulled up the text on my phone and spoke into the speaker for the talk-to-text, "I know. Why don't you come over in two hours. I'll be ready to go. We can talk. Love you."
I could get his gift real quick and then get back to the house, throw some things in a box, and he'd never be the wiser. I sighed and drove the distance to the shop in the next town.
As far as Mason's guilt…I honestly understood what Mason was saying, and I understood how he felt. But actually hearing with my own ears that loving me made him feel guilty? That didn't feel good. But I just had to make him see that he didn't need to feel that way about it. About us. And his mom today—what was that miracle about?
I skipped through town, my mind running a mile a minute. It took only about fifteen minutes to get to the next little town. I pulled into the shop I called weeks ago and really wanted to just sit and think, watch the snow for a minute while I thought of what to say to Mason later. I knew he was going to go overboard in trying to make me see that we were OK, everything was OK. He just still had a few things to work out in that amazing head of his.
And you know what? That was OK.
I remembered what it felt like to find out all the things that I'd done. I had felt like the guilt and blame was burying me. That doesn't change overnight. That doesn't just flit away to nothing just because you make the decision to forgive yourself and move on.
I took a deep breath and opened the door to the freezing Colorado air. I practically sprinted across the salt covered parking lot and into the store, cursing myself for forgetting my scarf and hat. I told the guy my name and he went and got a box from the back. He opened it and showed me with a little smile that said he knew I was going to be impressed. I smiled back.
I wasn't a tattoo artist, but even I could tell this thing was awesome. It was a custom Danny Fowler machine, and the man told me all about it, how he had one and it was his absolute favorite machine. I paid him and took the box with me, setting it in the passenger's seat like it was precious.
When I checked my phone, I had no texts or missed calls, so I hurried from the lot to get back to my parent's to pack. The snow was falling hard. The salt and snow trucks were running nonstop. I passed one at the last red light out of town before the stretch of long highway. Snow flew up on the side of his tractor into the ditches in waves. That much snow had fallen since I'd come through. I focused on the road and couldn't see any cars in front of me. I trekked on slowly and it hit me that sneaking off probably wasn't a good idea. I should have at least let someone know where I was going.
As if my phone had ears to hear me groaning about it, it rang. I opened it without looking to keep my eyes on the road, knowing it was Mason anyway.
"Hey."
"Emma."
I froze. It wasn't Mason. It was Adeline. I just knew it. "Adeline?"
"Now I have nothing," she whispered.
In my mind, I imagined her looming somewhere like she had at my house earlier. I swung my gaze all around in search of her and then, it happened.
You know when you get this gut feeling. When you just know that it's too late, and by the time you look, it's all happening in front of you in slow motion? You're amazed at how many things you can think of in just a few seconds. I was thinking that Mason would never know that I wasn't angry with him for what he said, but for the fact that there had apparently been something between Adeline and him and he didn't tell me. He was going to be eaten alive with guilt because we had a fight and he never got to make it all OK in his Mason way.
I watched the truck barely miss the snowplow, which was throwing huge wave
s of snow into the air, and swerve into my lane. I had nowhere to go but the trees. It was either plow into him and take him out with me, or let him go and take the trees alone instead, even though he hadn't given me the same courtesy. I held the wheel tight; my body knowing what my decision would be before I even gave it the command.
Mason.
That was all I could think. Please, God, don't let Mason's guilt be the end of him. Mason, I love you…
I didn't feel the trees as the car blew snow into the air in a big wave from the ditch before the trees sped toward me. I didn't feel a thing and I was grateful.
I closed my eyes and let the dark take me. I had spent six months of my life in the dark. I wasn't afraid of it.
And I wasn't afraid to die, I was just angry that I never got to live.
Cherries will cause cancer cells to kill themselves.
Mason
When I pulled into her house a couple hours after she left mine, I was curious why her car wasn't in the driveway. The pavement was completely covered in snow, and the short drive over had been challenging, even for someone who had lived in Colorado all his life. My cell phone went off again with a text. I pulled it out quickly, but it wasn’t Emma. I sighed as I read the message. I'd been getting messages all day that made no sense.
bastard.
That was it. Bastard. I even tried to call the number, but they didn't pick up. If it wasn't bastard it was prick or jackass. I'd been getting random texts for weeks now. No cause, no rhythm, only about once every couple of weeks, but they weren't violent until today. I showed Emma sometimes and we kind of laughed at some poor sap's misery. The ones before made me think that the person had the wrong number and was trying to text an old boyfriend or something.
I still think about you. Or You didn't give us a chance. Or We could have been something.
I shoved the phone into my pocket, giving the text no more of my thought or attention, and sprinted to the door, ringing the bell.
Wide Spaces (A Wide Awake Novella, Book 2) Page 4
