by Della Galton
‘Thank you,’ Ruby said again, more steadily this time.
When they disconnected, Olivia felt warmed through and through. It was true what Ruby had said, they didn’t live in each other’s pockets, but she felt very close to Ruby at this moment. Odd how her sister’s pregnancy could bring them together. Her mind flicked back to what they’d talked about on the beach.
Olivia had different memories of their childhood to those Ruby did, although it was true that she’d always known their parents were a close-knit couple, tightly wrapped up in each other and their work, and that she and Ruby were slightly outside of this. It had never bothered her. It had been normal.
Just as gravitating towards Aunt Dawn had been normal because they were so alike and because she had always known that Aunt Dawn loved her totally and unconditionally in a way that she didn’t feel her parents quite did. But she had never put these feelings into words. She had never really even acknowledged them until now.
The conversation with Ruby had shone a light on one thing, that was certain. Olivia now knew why she hadn’t yet plucked up the courage to sit Phil down and have a proper grown-up conversation about his views on having a family. It was because if he said that he definitely didn’t want one, as Tom had done, it would mean the end for them. And she didn’t want it to be the end. It was wonderful being with Phil. It was wonderful being with someone to whom she never had to justify her dreams of having a full-time acting career. It was wonderful not having to apologise for the amount of time she spent learning scripts, or the endless hours she couldn’t see him because she also had to make her day job pay. She couldn’t bear it if he turned out to be another Tom. But she knew they had to talk about the future. Just in case they didn’t have one.
17
As predicted, Aunt Dawn was also thrilled to hear Ruby’s news. She invited both of her nieces to join her for what she called ‘a celebratory tea’ on Thursday evening.
Olivia arrived first and she and Aunt Dawn were now putting things on trays ready to carry them out into the secret garden. It was such a fabulous evening that they’d decided to eat outside.
‘That quiche looks amazing. Is it home-made?’ Olivia asked.
‘Actually, darling, it’s from the deli. They do the most amazing Blue Vinny one, but I had a feeling blue cheese isn’t recommended for pregnant women, so I got a ham one.’ She picked up the tray. ‘Can you get the Colman’s mustard from the fridge please?’
‘Of course I can.’
As well as the quiche, there were jacket potatoes, salad, which included tiny sweet cherry tomatoes on the vine, and, of course, hard-boiled eggs – there were always eggs in Aunt Dawn’s teas.
‘I’ve made a Victoria sponge – that’s your sister’s favourite, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’ Olivia got the mustard and they went outside.
As they were negotiating the steps down to the garden, her phone pinged with a text.
When they reached the suntrap table, she put the tray down and read it.
‘Ah,’ she said to her aunt, who was already transferring things from the tray to the table. ‘That’s Ruby. She’s stuck on a call with a client in New York. She’ll be a bit late.’
‘Good,’ said Aunt Dawn.
‘Good?’ she questioned, glancing at her.
‘Yes, good. Because I want to talk to you.’
‘OK. What about?’
‘Let’s sit down a minute. The jackets can stay in the oven and keep warm.’
So they sat at the pretty wrought-iron table amidst the pots of sweetly scented spring flowers, peonies and freesias, with the evening sun on their faces. The hens in the corner of the garden clucked hopefully and surged towards the wire of their run but gave up looking so interested when no food seemed to be forthcoming.
‘I wanted to talk about how you feel, my darling. About the baby. I’m guessing it was as much a surprise to you as it was to Ruby.’
‘Yes.’ Olivia felt suddenly exposed and vulnerable.
‘And you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have mixed emotions. When you want one so much yourself, I mean.’
Olivia could feel her aunt’s gaze, but she didn’t look up. ‘I’m really happy for her, of course I am. But yes, I did wish it was me. Does that make me a bad person?’
‘Oh, my darling, no. Of course it doesn’t. You’d have to be a robot not to feel anything.’
Olivia felt a tear run down her face. Aunt Dawn was the one person in the world who she could have this conversation with, because although Ruby totally understood it and they’d touched on it at Pebble Beach, it wouldn’t have felt right to cry for herself in front of Ruby. Besides, she knew if she’d started, she might never have stopped.
She heard the scrape of iron chair legs on the paved terrace as her aunt moved towards her and then the light touch of her hand.
‘Olivia, darling, your turn will come.’
‘Will it? After all Mum’s dire warnings when we were teenagers, I’ve never thought either of us would get pregnant by accident. Ruby didn’t either, but it just happened. It sneaked under the radar, like Mum said it did with her. But I’ve always wanted to do it the right way round. I’ve always had this dream of being with the man I love and of us planning it together – painting the nursery, buying booties. All of those bad clichés.’
Now she’d started, the words poured out of her unstoppably.
‘I thought Tom and I would be together always, I just coasted along, secure in the knowledge that we’d get married, have kids, live happily ever after. But I was so wrong about that. I was so shellshocked from Tom reneging on everything we’d always planned for, that I didn’t even really notice Phil. He barely registered on my radar. Then by the time I realised that actually we were so much better suited than Tom and I had ever been, we’d gone past the point of having the ‘do you want kids’ conversation. And now it’s too late because I’m in love with him.’ She sniffed and took the monogrammed, vintage handkerchief her aunt was offering.
‘Darling. Slow down a minute.’ Aunt Dawn put a gentle hand on her arm. ‘Does Phil know you’re in love with him? And has he actually said he doesn’t want children?’
‘No, he doesn’t know – I’ve never told him and – well, no, he hasn’t said he doesn’t want children either in so many words. But I’ve got the impression lately, that he’s no more interested in having a family than Tom ever was.’
‘But you haven’t had a direct conversation with him?’
Olivia blew her nose and shook her head. ‘Not yet. No.’
‘Then you must. It’s the fairest thing for both of you. And then you’ll know.’
‘I’ve been too much of a coward.’
‘You have never been a coward. It’s perfectly natural to want to hold on to the people we love. Does he love you?’
Olivia sighed. ‘That’s something else we’ve never discussed, or what kind of relationship we’re having. When we started seeing each other, we decided we’d keep it light. Because I’d just split up with Tom, and Phil was tied up with that dating show thing. And I know things have moved on for both of us, but we’ve never talked about it. Men don’t, do they?’
Aunt Dawn shook her head. ‘Not generally, no.’
‘It never seems to be the right time. The thing is, Aunt Dawn, I think he’s utterly gorgeous and we’re totally right together, but if he never wants a family, then that’s going to end. And I don’t think I could bear it if it did.’ She broke off to blow her nose again. ‘I’m probably not making much sense.’
‘You’re making perfect sense. To go back to something you said earlier, I think it’s very seldom that life happens in the right order. Some people would tell you that there’s never a right time to have babies and there’s never a right time to die. Coming into the world and leaving the world happen all the time, but it’s really hard for us to make plans around these things.’ She squeezed Olivia’s fingers and Olivia knew she was referring to Uncle Simon and the fact that
he’d died so unexpectedly. She rarely talked about him these days.
Olivia hardly dared breathe as her aunt cleared her throat and went on.
‘As you know, when I lost Simon, I was about the age you are now. What I don’t talk about so much is that we’d been trying for a baby for the eighteen months prior to that. But it hadn’t happened. At the time, it was less common to have babies in your mid to late thirties. You were considered older mothers. A woman who got pregnant when she was over thirty-five was known as an elderly primigravida. I remember how just speaking to the GP about it made me feel ancient.’
‘I didn’t realise you’d been trying for a baby.’ Olivia felt a heartbeat of shock. ‘I just thought you’d never wanted a family.’
‘We’d decided to wait because of Simon’s career. We wanted to get established financially. We were nest building. I had a job in the rag trade, but it wasn’t that well paid, and he was working as a journalist, which also wasn’t so well paid.’ Her eyes were far away. ‘And you don’t know about it because I’ve never told you. I never even told your mother. Not back then. That was another thing we were more private about in those days. Or at least Simon and I were.’ Her voice became a little wistful. ‘We both thought I would fall pregnant as soon as I gave up taking the pill. Like your mum did with you and Ruby. We were just beginning to wonder why that hadn’t happened. I had literally just had an appointment come through to see a specialist fertility guy when Simon died.’
Olivia gasped. ‘Oh my goodness. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be, darling. It was a very long time ago. But I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not very often that life unfolds in the nice, neat order we would like.’
‘No.’ Olivia’s head whirled with this information. She had thought she knew everything there was to know about her aunt and now she felt a mixture of emotions. Surprise mixed with sadness for her. But she also felt really privileged and humbled that Aunt Dawn had confided in her now. ‘Thank you so much for telling me. I’m so sorry, she said again.’
‘Don’t be. Being so close to you has been a marvellous blessing. I’ve always felt that if I’d ever had a daughter, I’d have liked her to be exactly like you. And she may not have been. So, I consider myself very lucky.’
There was a little silence filled only by birdsong, the ever-present cries of the seagulls and the distant thrum of traffic trundling across Town Bridge and along the quay road. It was amazing how much the garden walls muted the outside world.
Olivia was about to say something else when the banging of the back gate announced Ruby’s arrival and then her sister was coming along the path, laden with plastic carriers.
‘I’m so sorry I’m late. I could not get off the phone. That man can talk the hind legs off a donkey.’
Aunt Dawn got up to greet her, but not before she’d touched Olivia’s shoulder. ‘Don’t put that conversation off with Phil too long – hey?’
‘I won’t. I’ll tell him I love him. You’re right. It’s the only way forward. I’m pretty sure he feels the same about me. And even if he doesn’t – well, at least we’ll both know where we stand.’
Phil was working again all weekend. But they had another precious full day together lined up for the following Wednesday. They planned to go walking on the South West Coast Path and talk about going scuba diving. At least that’s what Phil thought they were going to be doing. As the day approached, Olivia felt both scared and excited because she knew that Aunt Dawn was right. She needed to be direct with him. It was only fair.
She would risk wearing her heart on her sleeve. No matter what. And she also needed to tell him how important it was to her to have a family, and if he ran for the hills, then so be it.
She wondered what Aunt Dawn would have done if Simon hadn’t died and they had gone down the fertility testing route, but had still not managed to have children. She thought she knew the answer to this already. They would have stayed childless, or maybe they would have tried to adopt. Aunt Dawn wouldn’t have left the man who she’d always said was her soulmate. Mind you, they’d been married and established. It was a completely different situation to her and Phil.
Olivia shook her head. When Tom had told her he didn’t want a family, she’d been able to walk away. It had hurt badly, but it had been doable. She and Phil may have set out with the idea of no strings and no commitment, but somewhere along the way all that had changed. At least it had for her. Piece by piece, and not entirely voluntarily, she had taken down her ’fear of commitment in case I get hurt’ armour and she knew now, with a sudden sharp clarity, that losing Phil would break her heart.
18
The Wednesday of their walk turned out to be an absolutely stunning day. When Olivia looked out of her window, the sky was a cerulean blue and it was warm. The forecasters had been right. It was the third week of April, and so far, it had been the hottest April since records began.
Olivia packed a rucksack. She was taking their lunch – cheese sandwiches and hard-boiled eggs. Emmeline et al were in fine form, Aunt Dawn had said when she’d pressed another dozen eggs on her the previous day.
There was a crunch of anxiety in Olivia’s stomach as she packed the rucksack. Poor Phil. He was expecting them to be chatting about having a fun time going scuba diving and she was going to get all heavy and serious about the future.
What if he told her that having a family was not part of his plans and never would be?
‘Then, at least you will know.’ Aunt Dawn’s voice echoed in her head. ‘And once you’re both armed with the facts you can make a decision about the future.’
Olivia forced her mind away from the dilemma. There was no point in second guessing it. And it was too beautiful a day for anxiety.
Fortunately, she had plenty of other things to think about. Her phone kept buzzing with texts. A couple were from Ruby about baby-related stuff. They’d all had great fun talking about babies when they’d sat in Aunt Dawn’s sunny garden. It was lovely hearing her sister getting excited about the baby. There were also several work ones. The unseasonably warm spring had clearly put everyone in party mode and where there was a party, there was a cake.
But for now, work would have to wait. First, she needed to discuss her relationship with Phil.
She’d arranged to pick Phil up at ten, so they could make the most of the day, and she arrived outside his house on the dot.
Her heart gave a little leap as he opened the door. He still made her stomach flip and her skin tingle when he touched her. She’d wondered sometimes if it was because they didn’t see each other much. Although they spoke frequently on the phone, there were often gaps of several days between their dates. Whatever it was, that honeymoon sensation that new lovers experience hadn’t yet waned.
Phil was smiling. He had a fabulous smile, which was all the lovelier because it transformed his face, which could look quite sulky in repose. Phil was the archetypal brooding hero, sexy as hell, but also kind and thoughtful.
Today he was wearing cut-off denim jeans and a dark green vest top which showed off his bronzed muscular shoulders, and he smelled of suntan lotion.
Oh my God, he was gorgeous – and here she was, contemplating walking away – was she mad?
‘You OK?’ Phil asked, ‘You look worried?’
‘I’m good,’ she said. ‘Are you ready?’
‘Ready if you are?’
She nodded, knowing she was as ready as she could ever be.
They drove to the National Trust car park at South Beach, which was next to what Phil said was one of the best pubs in Dorset. The Bankes Arms is a sixteenth-century stone building with open fireplaces, wooden floors and mismatched tables and chairs.
Sometimes they stopped in after a walk, for lunch, but it was the kind of place where you couldn’t book a table and it tended to fill up very quickly with hikers and families, especially on a warm day. So bringing a picnic was safer.
Phil went and got a ticket for the car
and then insisted on carrying the rucksack because the bottled water made it heavier. ‘You can carry it back,’ he said when she protested. She smiled at him, loving the freedom of walking beside him, along the small country road outside the pub, weighed down by nothing heavier than a bumbag.
Within a few minutes, they were up on Ballard Down which overlooks Studland Bay and Old Harry Rocks – one of the most famous landmarks of the county, if not the country. The rocks are giant chalk stacks that broke away from the cliff, testimony to the power of the sea that had reshaped the coastline for millennia.
Legend had it that Old Harry – the chalk stack furthest out to sea – was named after a famous local pirate, or possibly the devil. Either way, it was a spectacular viewpoint, right on the eastern tip of the Jurassic Coast, and a prime spot for tourists. On a good day, you could see as far away as the Needles – another chalk stack off the Isle of Wight.
Today really was the most perfect day. Far below them, the sea glittered as though there were a million diamonds sprinkled just beneath the surface of the water. Gorse bushes flecked with yellow flowers that smelled sweetly of coconut dotted the path on either side of them. Above their heads, the mournful calls of seagulls filled the skies as they glided on the thermals.
They were walking on what was part of the South West Coast Path – a 630-mile track that stretched from Poole in Dorset to Minehead in Somerset and wound its way along the coastline of Devon and Cornwall. If you loved walking and lived anywhere near it – or even if you lived miles away – the South West Coast Path was the place to go, especially this bit, Olivia always thought, along the Jurassic Coast. Ruby may have grown up hating dinosaurs, but Olivia had been fascinated by the fact that they lived on the doorstep of what their parents called a ‘gateway to the past’. Even though she preferred walking in the footsteps of the past, to digging it up.
‘You’re quiet,’ Phil said, when they’d been walking for a while. ‘What are you thinking about?’
