“No, of course not. Jack definitely has some unresolved anger and guilt. What are you going to do? Will you eventually tell Jack?” Will I?
“No, I don’t think so. I’ll let them know that he seems to be still really hurting. You saw him when we arrived. He could barely speak without anger spewing out in all directions. Since you two connected, he’s softened, but you can see he’s still fighting those demons, and he could be for years to come. From what Elise said, he was never an angry person before the accident. She thinks he blames himself, and if what she says is true, then talking to Ralph might alleviate a lot of that guilt.” Elizabeth touched Savannah’s arm.
Savannah chewed on the reality that Jack might be wrestling with his anger and guilt for years. Years.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when we first met, but I didn’t know if it was my place or not. When I saw that budding interest between you two, I didn’t want to ruin it with this stuff, but when you asked me just now, I didn’t want to hide it from you.”
“That’s okay. I get it. It probably would help him to talk to her father, but that really has to be his decision. Does he know he’s sick?” Savannah felt like she held this new knowledge in her hand, and it was a weighty and precarious position to be in.
“No. By the time he was diagnosed, Jack had basically disappeared from their lives but, of course, not from their hearts,” Elizabeth said. “The disease has progressed really fast. It’s terrible—first Linda, now her father. And Linda’s accident was so tragic.”
“Jack hasn’t shared the details of her accident with me, and I don’t know if he ever will, but I’d rather hear it from him when he’s ready.” She hated keeping any secrets from Jack, and even though Elizabeth had been planning this trip before she even knew Elise would want her to check on Jack, it still felt wrong not to tell him she knew Linda’s family. She couldn’t decide anything right then. She was too confused to think straight. “I hope they can all get the closure that they need.” Savannah thought of her father and the way he maintained that he was still in contact with her dead mother. She wondered if she was setting herself up to be hurt by continuing things with Jack.
No one can compete with the ghost of a lover.
Chapter Fourteen
LATER THAT EVENING, after Aiden was safely tucked in bed, they told ghost stories around the campfire. Lou and Elizabeth sat hip to hip, Elizabeth’s hand resting on Lou’s thigh, her head on his shoulder. Josie and Pratt snuggled together on the other side of the fire. Savannah longed for that kind of comfort. She’d spent so many years being the brave, strong career woman that being able to let down her guard and rely on someone else seemed more appealing than sex and chocolate combined. Her previous boyfriends hadn’t been interested in discussions about her feelings or snuggling just to be close to each other. Their idea of comfort was buying her a box of chocolates once a month. Maybe that was why she’d never felt completely comfortable in a relationship. She always felt like she was on guard—in her relationships and at work. When she was with Connor, she was already deemed a notch below him because he was a celebrity, so she worked extra hard to impress him and his peers, and as a lawyer, she had to be on top of her game every minute. She inhaled the charred, smoky smell of the campfire and allowed herself to dream of a life where she could relax by a campfire more often.
Savannah glanced at Jack sitting a foot away from her on the grass. His arms rested on his knees, and he was staring straight ahead, into the darkness. She had the urge to reach out and touch the curve of his back, but she knew that Jack had to maintain his professional appearance as their guide, even if she hadn’t been able to keep herself from kissing him earlier that morning. Luckily, as she’d thought, no one seemed to have seen them. At least no one was treating them any differently. They didn’t need to throw their relationship—or whatever it was—in anyone’s face. Savannah didn’t even know where they were heading, and now that she knew how worried Linda’s family was about him, she wondered if she had even more to worry about. Was Jack really too broken? Was she once again ignoring big red flags? Or was the feeling that she’d been brought to his camp for a reason real? She glanced at him again, hoping he’d want to see her even after they left the mountain. She knew she would not only want to continue seeing him, but she also knew she’d love to spend evenings with him by a campfire. Just the two of them.
“I THINK WE’RE going to turn in.” Elizabeth stood and reached for Lou’s hand. “Jack, today was amazing, and thanks for helping Aiden pack his survivor bag. He set it beside the tent, and when we put him to bed, he said he knew everything he needed to and that he was going to survive the wilderness.” She laughed. “I think you have an even bigger fan now.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Jack said. “Sleep well.”
“We’re turning in, too,” Pratt said. He pulled Josie close and kissed her forehead. “Jack and Lou, you gave me some stuff to think about today on the hike. Thank you.”
“Glad it helped,” Lou said with a wave. Then he climbed into his tent behind Elizabeth.
“You guys did great today,” Jack said. He’d felt Savannah’s presence near him all evening, and at first it had been torture to not be sitting close enough to put his leg against hers or touch her hand, but he’d also been mulling over what Lou had said about family, and that had given him something else to focus on. Arguing to prove your point won’t make it heard any louder.
He caught Savannah looking at him with a smile on her lips but worry in her eyes.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
“You all right?” he asked.
“Yeah.” Her smile faded. “You looked so deep in thought tonight. Are you okay?”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind, but yeah, I’m fine.” He moved closer to her. “There is one thing I’ve been dying to do all afternoon.” He put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her. Damn, just the taste of her lips and the smell of her fresh skin made his body react. He had planned on one light kiss, just enough to take the edge off from thinking about her so damn much, but as he deepened the kiss, he couldn’t pull away.
Savannah, however, could. She pulled back and whispered, “We’re in the middle of the camp.”
He blinked away the fog of desire. “Right.” Jesus, what was he doing? He leaned in closer. “I want to make out with you all night long.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “But I’d really like to talk and get to know you. So it’s probably better if we don’t go anywhere just yet. I can’t be trusted when I’m alone with you.”
She ran her index finger down his chest. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“I’ll get a blanket, and we can hang out here by the fire.” When he returned, he spread the blanket, and Savannah joined him beneath the stars.
She snuggled against him. “I can’t believe tonight’s our last night together.”
“It’s our last night here, but it doesn’t have to be our last night together.” He took her face in his hands. “I can’t help it, Savannah,” he whispered. “I know we’re in the middle of the camp, but I have to kiss you again.” He pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “I’m not very good at small talk,” Jack admitted. Who am I kidding? I suck at small talk. Ever since Linda’s death, he’d been afraid of saying the wrong thing. He worried that his guilt and anger would seep into every conversation, and that was enough to drive him into silence. Luckily, Savannah filled the gap.
“I can talk for hours. My brothers roll their eyes at me, and I know it’s because I say what they think, and it’s not always the most appropriate thing to say aloud. We’re so close, it’s like we can read one another’s minds.” She shrugged. “I tend to call them on things they wish they could keep hidden.”
Jack realized she had been doing the same thing to him. “How many brothers do you have?”
Her eyes lit up. “Five. I’m the typical adoring sister, I’m afraid.”
Jack laughed. “That’s cute. I think my sister is th
e same way toward me. I have four brothers and a sister.”
“You have a big family, too. Don’t you love it? Gosh, I can’t imagine life without them. We’re all really close, and my brothers are all like you—big and burly, very masculine.”
He could tell by the excitement in her voice that she really did adore them, and it made him long to be close with his family once again.
“They’re also overprotective,” Savannah added. “If I had cell service, they’d probably have called me sixteen times already to make sure I was okay. Are you close to your family?”
Jack thought about lying. It would be easier than admitting that he’d driven them away. But he didn’t want to begin a relationship with Savannah based on lies. “We used to be. I’m the oldest, and until two years ago, we were all very close.” He smiled at the thought. “There are eleven years between me and Siena and Dex, the youngest. They’re twenty-six, twins. Siena’s a model. She’s a firecracker. You’d like her. Dex is a gamer. Well, he calls himself a gamer, but really he’s a game developer.”
“That’s cool, but isn’t it funny that there’s even a career like gamer? I can’t even imagine what that would be like.” Savannah laughed.
Savannah laughed without any worry over what he might think, or if he thought what she said was funny. Her confidence and ease were two of the things he most admired about her, but the sound of her laughter, the uninhibited joy as it left her lips, that’s what brought a smile to his face.
Before escaping to the mountains, Jack used to say the same thing to Dex about his career, and Dex used to tease him about being old. God, I miss him.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with it,” Savannah added. “It’s just so different from anything I grew up with. We rarely even watched television on my dad’s ranch.” She sighed. “So, eleven years between you and them? Second marriage for your parents?”
Jack loved how easily she reeled off her thoughts, like they’d known each other forever. “Accident,” he said with a smile. “Or maybe on purpose. Who knows with them? Sage is twenty-eight. I’m sure you know of him.”
“Sage Remington is your brother? As in the artist?”
Jack nodded. “The one and only. I can hardly believe how quickly he climbed that ladder to fame. His sculptures are in museums all over the world. He’s a great guy, too.”
Savannah’s eyes washed over his face. “I guess I should have seen a resemblance, but I never put two and two together.”
“He got my mother’s artistic talent. God, she’s been sculpting and painting since before I was born. She put her family first, though, and that probably hindered how far she could go. It’s hard to pour your heart and soul into art when you’re already pouring it into six children and a husband. She never seemed to resent us for it, though. My mom is like a shining light. She’s the happiest woman I know.”
There were so many things Jack had missed in his family’s lives over the past two years that, as he said their names, he was hit with the same pang of longing that he’d felt recently when he was back in New York.
“Then there’s Rush and Kurt. Rush’s thirty-two. He’s a competitive skier, and Kurt is thirty, a writer.” Rush was six two, with massive legs and powerful arms. As a competitive skier, there was not an inch of him that wasn’t solid, and despite the five-year age difference, they’d always been close—until Jack left Bedford Corners for the mountains. He looked at Savannah and brushed a strand of hair from her chin. “I really miss them. How about you? Youngest, oldest?”
“I’m in the middle. Treat, Dane, and Rex are older than me and Josh and Hugh are younger.”
“Why does Hugh Braden sound familiar?” Jack tried to remember where he’d heard that name.
“He should. He’s one of the top race car drivers in the United States, handsome as Patrick Dempsey and cocky as hell.” She laughed. “I shouldn’t say that. Hugh’s the youngest. He can be a little self-centered, but he’s changed a lot over the last few months. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for one another.”
“That’s nice. That’s how we always were.” As he had on the way to the airport, Jack thought about trying to find his way back to the life he left behind and the family he loved. Savannah struck so many chords in his heart that, as he looked at her, he swore he felt his heart softening. At the same time, his nerves tightened. She made him want to jump the hurdles he’d believed were too big to even try, which scared the shit out of him.
“You’re not like that anymore?” she asked.
“They are, I guess, but…” He took her hand. “You know what? I can’t sit and talk. I’m sorry. I thought I could, but this is making me a little anxious. Can we walk a little?”
They walked down the hill toward the stream. The sky was clear, and the moonlight filtered through the umbrella of trees, illuminating their path. Jack’s chest constricted, thinking about the things he wanted to tell Savannah. Before they got any further involved, she needed to know who he was—and the secrets he’d been hiding. He’d have to figure out a way to ease them in.
“Tell me about your parents,” Jack said.
Her eyes lit up again. “My dad is the best. He’s a thoroughbred horse breeder, and he still lives on the ranch where I grew up in Weston, Colorado. He’s this big, burly cowboy. Gosh, I love him so much.”
She turned away with a dreamy look in her eye, and it made Jack think about his father and how proud of him he’d always been. His father fought for his country; he took care of his family. To Jack, he was everything, until their relationship had fallen apart, and now he wondered if he’d ever feel that way again.
Savannah continued. “Rex helps him run the ranch. Treat, my oldest brother, owns resorts all over the world, but when he and Max, his wife, first got engaged, he moved back home to help on the ranch and to be closer to Max. Now he basically runs his business from there.”
Jack wanted to know everything about her, and when she spoke of her family, her whole face lit up. He didn’t want to take away that spark, but he wanted to know more about her family and about the loss of her mother.
“You mentioned that you lost your mom. Would you like to share that with me, or is it too painful?” They walked along the bank of the stream, and Savannah was quiet for a beat too long. Jack realized he’d touched on a sensitive subject.
“She died when I was little.”
She glanced at him, and he could tell she was trying to smile, but the tug never curled her lips up. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a warm kiss to the back of her fingers.
“I’m sorry, Savannah. You must miss her terribly. If it’s too difficult to talk about, we don’t have to.”
“It’s okay. I miss her, but I had just turned four. I didn’t really know her, and I don’t remember her. I only really remember what Treat and my dad have told me over the years.” She took a deep breath. “So, that’s my story. Why aren’t you close to your family anymore?”
Jack had been trying to figure out how to tell her about the fallout after Linda’s death, but no matter how he turned it in his mind, he always came back to the same conclusion. Savannah would learn that Linda’s death was his fault no matter how he told the story. Nothing after that mattered. Once she knew that, he was sure she’d walk away and never look back.
“After Linda’s accident, I was pretty messed up. We’d just set up a nursery and were going to try to have a baby.” He tightened his grip on her hand just so he could feel something other than the guilt that was creeping up the back of his neck and clawing at his throat. “But we never had a chance. She died the weekend before we were going to start trying.”
“Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry. That must have been devastating.”
“I have always wanted a family, so it was really hard. My family was all over me, trying to take care of me, get me to talk to therapists, you know. They were trying to help me through it.”
“That’s good, right? They love you.”
“It should h
ave been, yes. But I wouldn’t let them. I couldn’t let them. Savannah, I’m not sure how to explain any of this. It was like someone took my soul and shredded it to pieces, then threw it into the wind, and I was left grasping for the pieces and trying to pull myself back together.” The night of the accident came rushing back. The blinding storm that had doubled in power over the thirty minutes she’d been gone, the flashing lights of the ambulance and fire trucks. The smell of burning oil and rubber and the flames. Oh dear Lord, the flames. Jack let out a loud breath, trying to keep the memory from lodging itself into the forefront of his mind again. He finally felt like his head was on straight, and it had felt good not to live under that cloud of guilt, even if for only a day. He wanted that feeling more than anything else in his life—including Linda—and with that thought came the strangulation of guilt. Damn it. Will this ever end?
“Jack?” Savannah touched his shoulders. “Jack, you’re shaking.”
He tried to push past the guilt, but it was too late. His body ached from it.
“You must really miss her.”
Savannah’s voice held so much compassion that he was drawn to it despite the guilt. There was something about Savannah that sliced through the guilt and pulled him through to the light on the other side. If only I could hold on to that light instead of slipping back into the darkness.
“I do.” But it’s the guilt that eats away at me. As much as he wanted to tell her that Linda died because of him, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t ever want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“Well, I’m sure your family understands that. Have you tried to talk to them?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I realized today that I hadn’t. They tried, but I couldn’t hear their offers of help. I was too angry. Too guilty.” Jack released her hand and crossed his arms, rubbing the scar on his arm again. “Savannah, I told you before that I’m not the right guy for you, and the more I think about it, I’m not sure I’m the right guy for anyone.”
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