by J. H. Croix
Chase chuckled. “Doesn’t seem like that’s necessary.”
“It’s not. Just wondering why she can’t stand you,” I offered.
“If you find out, let me know,” Rowan replied.
A waitress arrived to take our orders, and a few of the other guys showed up. Conversation moved on. I half paid attention, but my mind couldn’t resist the detour of Paisley. Hell, she was far more than a detour in my thoughts. She was always there, dancing along the edges when I wasn't distracted. Things were officially complicated enough that Graham saw fit to ask me if something was going on with us today. Apparently, he noticed that I got a little concerned about her during a drop last week. I had been concerned, but she'd been fine. I tried to play it off with Graham and told him it was just the usual kind of concern.
Except I hadn't pulled that off. I'd felt his eyes measuring me and assessing. I knew I needed to let Paisley know even though I didn’t want to. She was already hypersensitive about the whole thing at work.
“Are you kidding me?” Paisley asked. She leaned her elbows on the counter and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes. When she lifted her head again, she looked more than annoyed. She said something under her breath.
“What?” I prompted.
“Phoebe noticed that you were worried. You know, I can handle myself in the field.” She lifted her chin.
“I know you can. You're one of the best on our crew.”
“We said this couldn't get complicated,” Paisley said, her voice low.
“I know we did. It's not complicated,” I insisted, lying through my teeth.
I resorted to playing it off because I didn't know what else to say right now. I sure as hell didn’t know what to do about my feelings. All of my efforts to keep things compartmentalized and uncomplicated weren’t working. I kept remembering my father, remembering how devastated my mother had been when he died, and remembering the day I showed up at the rescue. Fuck.
“Maybe we should—” She began talking, but I shook my head sharply. “You don't even know what I was going to say.”
“Okay, fine. What were you about to say?”
“Maybe we should stop.”
“Stop what?” I knew what she meant, but I preferred to play stupid.
She took a deep breath. “What we're doing. Actually, what are we doing?” she pressed.
“Having a good time.” I tried to keep my tone light. “It's kept us from arguing at work.”
“But maybe we've gotten rid of the tension, and we're friends now,” she said, her voice sounding strained.
“The tension hasn’t gone anywhere,” I said flatly. “Do you think it has?”
We stared at each other. I thought for a minute she was going to try to lie about it, but she didn't. She shook her head slowly back and forth as pink stained her cheeks. “No.” The single word was a raspy whisper and sent a sizzle of heat through me.
I didn't realize my hands were gripping the countertop until I released them. I walked in a circle and opened the refrigerator for no reason before turning back to face her.
“Hungry?” she asked, her brows hitching up. I shook my head. “We have to be able to work together, Russell.”
“I know,” I said quickly. “I haven't been staring at your ass.” Another lie for the books, but I thought that was more of the white-lie variety. No big deal. Bullshit.
Paisley laughed softly. “According to Phoebe, you give me smoldery looks.”
I chuckled. “Ah, perhaps so. Apparently, I need to keep it together better at work.”
“It's not like it's really been a problem,” she offered.
It almost annoyed me that she was more contained than me at work. But knowing how she kept everything so tight around her brother, I supposed that made sense. I was falling for her and getting in over my head while she was busy keeping her distance. I knew it wasn't just me. I knew how it felt when we were together, but none of that mattered right now. My resolve to tell her about Graham’s concern was waning. I forced myself to do it, though.
“Graham might’ve noticed something.”
“What?” she squeaked.
“Probably that I was worried about you out in the field. I told him it was nothing, and I think he bought it.” Actually, I was pretty sure he didn’t, but I wasn’t about to fess up to that.
I did the only thing I could think to do and rounded the counter, resting my hands on either side of her. She spun around on the stool and peered up at me. “Maybe we should—”
“Do this,” I said, dipping my head and fitting my mouth over hers. Our kiss flashed into a bonfire. She flexed into me, letting out a little moan. This was the one thing we did really well.
Maybe not the only thing, but at least I could forget about everything else while I lost myself in Paisley. In a hot second, we were tugging at each other's clothes, and I was lifting her in my arms as she curled her legs around my waist. I carried her upstairs to her bed.
I loved everything about her—the feel of her nipples ruching under my touch, her belly trembling when I dropped hot kisses over it, her channel convulsing around me as I sank my thick shaft inside. She shuddered roughly around me. With each surge into her silky slick core, I watched as her eyes darkened and my own release yanked me over the edge. Falling asleep beside her came easy as darkness cloaked us.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Paisley
I didn't tell Russell my plan. The following morning, we showered together like we usually did. He pinned me against the tiled wall, and I savored every second of it. I’d tried to keep my heart tucked away behind a sturdy door—setting the lock firmly. But he was the key, and he’d rattled it loose. I couldn't figure out how to close the bolt again.
Even if my heart was a goner, I still needed to be smart. I didn't want to lose people's respect at work. I'd made a decision. I knew there was an opening on one of the other crews. I hoped Graham would understand. Since he had said something to Russell, I decided to be honest with him. That was the easiest option. I went into the station early because Graham was almost always there. Maisie was on the phone in the front and waved to me when I passed by.
I peered into the office Graham shared with the other crew superintendents, relieved to discover he was the only one there. “Morning,” he said.
“You happen to have a few minutes to talk?” I asked.
“Of course, come on in.”
I stepped in and closed the door behind me. His brows lifted when he noticed that detail, but he didn't comment on it. I sat down across from his desk. He closed his laptop and lifted his cup of coffee. It was a red cup with a distinctive drawing of the old fire station on it.
My stomach felt tight, and I was way too nervous. I began, “So, uh …” Only two words in, and I didn’t know how to explain myself. I bit my lip.
“Paisley, you okay?” Graham asked, his eyes warm.
My fingers were laced together in my lap, and I clenched them tightly. “Maybe, uh … Look, I know I haven’t been here that long, but I was wondering what you thought about me switching to Ward’s crew?” Graham remained quiet, and I forged ahead. “Russell mentioned that you spoke to him about worrying about me. I don’t want there to be tension, or things to be weird.”
Graham looked at me quietly for a long moment before his head dipped in a nod. “Has something happened, or has Russell done something that I need to be concerned about?”
“Absolutely not,” I said firmly.
My cheeks were burning, and I closed my eyes, feeling mortified.
“You don’t have to tell me the whole story, but I have noticed some tension between you two. If you think that’s the best option, then I support it.” My eyes flew wide. “We have a full crew now, so you shifting over to Ward’s crew is easily managed. The timing’s good since we’re heading into winter.”
Relief whooshed through me. “Thank you. Should I talk to Ward first?”
A light knock sounded on the door, followed by
Ward’s voice. “Can I come in?”
Graham flashed me a grin. “Good timing. It helps that we share this space.” He called, “Come on in.”
Ward stepped into the room, glancing back and forth between us. Graham jumped right in. “Paisley was just asking me about shifting over to your crew.”
“Seriously?” Ward asked with a grin.
He could be kind of an intimidating guy, but the second he smiled, all intimidation dissipated. Tall with dark hair and silver eyes, he was handsome and fit as all hotshots were.
“I've heard you’re rock solid. If you want to switch to my crew, the job is yours.”
“Oh, that would be great.”
Graham divided a glance between us. “How about you finish out the week on our rotation and then switch over to his crew next week?”
Ward sat down beside me. “Anything I need to know?”
“Not a thing,” Graham said easily.
I sure as hell didn't want Ward to get any hint about me getting tangled up with Russell. Earning respect as a woman on a hotshot crew was no easy feat, and if the other guys thought I was screwing around, it wouldn’t help me at all. I was relieved when Graham's cell phone rang, and he stood to leave the room. That relief disappeared the second Ward spoke.
“Susannah mentioned something about you and Russell.” I opened my mouth and shut it when he continued. “No need to explain. She and I were on a crew together, and now we're married, and we have a kid. If anyone understands this kind of thing, I do. It's not great for there to be that kind of complication on a crew, though. Absolutely no judgment from me. Does Russell know you asked about this?”
I shook my head. “We're not getting married, and we don't have a kid.”
Ward’s eyes skated over my face, and I worried he saw way too much. He shrugged. “Ah, okay. I won’t say anything until the rest of your crew knows about the move. As Graham suggested, you can start with our rotation next week. I'll send you an email with the schedule. We're headed into winter, so it’ll be slower.”
“Thank you for understanding,” I managed.
“You got it.” Ward stood, clapping me on the shoulder as he did.
I left the office with my stomach still tied in knots because now I had to let Russell and the rest of my crew know.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Russell
“What?”
Graham eyed me. “Yeah, Paisley’'ll switch rotations next week. Thought you might want to know up front. She hasn't talked to you about it?”
“No,” I said curtly. “This is bullshit.”
“Actually, I think it's for the best.”
“Why?” I practically barked back at Graham.
He stepped past me and closed the door to the office. Resting his hips against the desk, he gave me a long, considering look. “Dude, I've known you for so long I don't remember not knowing you.”
“What the fuck does that have to do with this?” I muttered.
“I think you have more than just casual feelings for Paisley. At the interview, you were kind of an ass about it, but I think then it was just lust.”
I opened my mouth to argue, and his brows hitched up, almost daring me. I let out a sigh. “But we got past that,” I said, feeling way more defensive than I preferred.
“Yeah, that's great, but now you're dealing with this thing called feelings.”
“It's—”
“Complicated,” he filled in for me. “No matter what, it is best for the crew and for you and for her to handle it this way. Hell, that's what Susannah and Ward did, and it was a smart move. Respect is hard enough for women to earn as hotshots. Things can get messy. Ward's pretty open about why it turned out best for Susannah and him not to be on the same crew. If you two don't work things out, well then…” Graham let his words trail off.
“That'll be even more complicated,” I grumbled and then practically bit my tongue off because I was about to say that wasn't an option.
“You’re not going to like the other thing I have to say,” Graham added.
“What's that?” I was feeling downright sullen now.
“You have been off a hair, not at work, but personally, ever since what happened with your dad.”
“Graham,” I warned.
He didn’t heed me. “I'm your friend, so I'm saying something. I think it hit you hard, and I get it. You don't even talk about it. Hell, I don't even think you let yourself think about it. Since he passed, you’ve been different.”
Graham couldn't have known how spot-on he was because that was the plain truth. Every time my mind went in the direction of my father, I just shut it down. My chest hurt and my throat ached, and fuck it all, I was not going to burst into tears, not at work. I wasn't one of those assholes who didn't think men should cry, but I needed to have some dignity.
I breathed in slowly, keeping my eyes trained on the tile lines a few feet beyond the desk. After several deep breaths, I leveled my gaze with Graham’s and nodded. “I know. It was hard, and I miss him.”
“Of course, you do.”
“You're bringing this up now, why?”
Graham cast me a rueful smile, the understanding in his eyes making my chest hurt all over again. “I'm not really sure. Somehow, my brain thinks your feelings for Paisley and maybe how you got a little overprotective out in the field the other day are somehow tied to your dad. But what the hell do I know? I'm just a guy.”
My laugh was dry, and even I could hear the bitterness in it. “You're not just some guy. You're a friend who I've known for as long as I can remember. You're also a kick-ass dad, and you might have a little more knowledge about relationships than I do.”
Graham shrugged, casting me a lopsided grin. “Maybe a few months of knowledge, but that's it.”
We laughed together. “You going to be okay?” he asked after we stood there silently for probably too long.
I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks for the heads-up on the crew change for Paisley.”
“You want to go grab a beer?”
“Nah, not up for that tonight, but thanks.”
My friend nodded. “Okay. I'll see you at work tomorrow.”
After leaving the office, I walked down the hallway to the reception area, and my eyes landed on the giant pumpkin full of candy perched on Maisie’s desk. She was on the phone. Normally, I would have wanted to stop and steal some of that candy, but I wasn't in the mood. I drove toward home, not even sure that was where I wanted to go. I felt pulled in two directions.
Graham's observations had me partially wanting to run from Paisley. Maybe it was best she wasn't on my crew. But now, I'd have to worry about her even more because she would be out in the field without me. Of course, that only proved Graham's point. I didn't know what the hell to think about his observation about my dad.
I took a sharp turn before I got to the lake house, driving down a narrow road that spit me out at a secluded parking area on the lake. It wasn't frequented by many, except for high school kids looking for a private place to make out. For now, no one was here.
I parked and stared out over the lake. I missed my dad so much. He died after his gear broke, and that sucked. My dad had loved the outdoors. That was how my parents ended up here. He came up here for some temporary summer job, and they stayed. He wasn't even working the day the accident happened. He'd gone climbing, and something went wrong. His harness broke, and he died.
By the time I got there with the crew, he was already dead. I kept replaying it as if I could’ve done something to change the series of events, which was crazy thinking. I took a breath, watching as a flock of trumpeter swans floated serenely on the water. The sun was setting, and the lake was awash in a shimmer of pink and lavender. Sunsets in autumn in Alaska were glorious. I suppose that could be said about any time of year, but I loved the colors in the fall.
When the moon came to claim the sky from the sun, I breathed in a gulp of air, letting it out in a rush. “I miss you, Dad,” I whispered into the tru
ck.
We'd fished here many times when I was a kid. I didn't catch much, but it was where I learned to fish and always had fun. When I got older, we fished on the inlet in boats and went dipnetting during the summer. I climbed out of my truck, idly kicking a loose pebble as I crossed the gravel to stand at the edge of the water. The tall summer grasses were dying and were bleached. A raven called with another answering in return.
That awful feeling I'd started to get in Graham's office finally began to abate. I'd wanted a chance to say goodbye to my dad, and he’d given it to me in a small way. Even though I was pissed about it, it probably was best for Paisley to switch crews because I couldn't seem to keep my hands off her. And I knew I was in love with her. That awareness hit me like a gong reverberating in my chest—again and again and again.
Holy shit. I swallowed and took another breath. Things really were complicated. So much for no strings. I knew what I felt when I was with Paisley alone at night. But damn, that woman played her cards so close to her chest that I didn’t know if she’d ever face her feelings.
I gave my head a shake, chuckling as I turned away. In a way, I felt lighter, if only because Graham forced me to admit something. The weight of loving Paisley wasn't heavy, but it was uncertain. I didn't know what to do with it.
I climbed in my truck and drove home, almost surprised to see her car there. She was a master of avoidance. I suppose I recognized that tendency because, in a way, I was myself or had been in certain areas of my life. I walked into the house to find her in the kitchen staring in the pantry.
My heart turned over in my chest, and warmth filled the space. She was always at a loss in the kitchen unless there was something in a box. Even then, I could feel her resigned to the decision because she felt as if it was her only option.
“I'll cook dinner,” I called as I shrugged out of my jacket and kicked my boots off by the door.
Paisley's eyes tracked me as I crossed the kitchen. I got angry all over again. I stopped a few feet away, tossing my keys in the bowl on the table by the counter. The clatter of them landing was loud in the quiet space.
