by Z. Allora
“Clever. I wondered where you hid the TV.” Erick watched as Cassidy scrolled through Netflix.
“How about this one?” Cassidy asked.
Erick stopped himself from inching closer to Cassidy. Dammit. The man had a mate. “Yeah, sure.”
Cassidy’s eyes were glued to the opening credits of the movie, but he patted his shoulder. “Why don’t you get closer, so you can see better.”
When Erick’s head touched Cassidy’s shoulder, the knot that had been twisting inside of him untwined. The friend-zone didn’t seem like a bad thing.
8
Time for Reality?
“Are you sure you wanna go to the club?” Cassidy held out hope for a reprieve.
The last couple of days had been paradise listening to Erick giggle while philosophizing through various shows on Netflix. He hated to share and give that up. Not to mention the dread started to seep in, taunting Cassidy about his reality.
Erick stopped pacing in front of the bed. “I never go out at school. Plus, I want to see where you hang out. Come on, this will be fun.”
College. Right! This was temporary. Maybe going to the club would be a good wakeup call, a reminder of the differences between Cassidy’s life and Erick’s.
“Fine, let’s figure out what we want to wear.” Cassidy slipped out of bed and threw open his closet door. Every time he opened the closet, he was reminded of how it revealed Beau’s insistence on organization. Each type of clothing had a section.
Erick ran his hands across Cassidy’s couture. Before Cassidy could stop himself, he was wishing Erick’s caressing attention could be paid to his body instead of his clothing. Fuck, what a sight! If he could get hard, Cassidy would have probably gotten a massive boner just watching Erick’s fashion appreciation.
“I don’t know. All your clothing is incredible, but so dressy. After lying in bed, I feel lazy.”
“If you want to go more casual, I have some T-shirts.” Cassidy opened the drawers of his dresser.
“Wow, they’re folded so neat. Do you have one of those foldy things stores use?”
Cassidy grinned and slid out his blue plastic folder. The folder consisted of three panels of bright blue plastic, with the middle piece that could bend in half, but the device gave him precise, properly folded T-shirts. He pushed it back behind his dresser.
He found a pink T-shirt and shook the wrinkles out. “You might want to wear this one.”
“Gender’s Over.” Erick read the blue lettering with a big smile on his face.
Somewhere along the way, Erick’s openness and steadfast defense of his own gender identity made Cassidy want to honor that by being honest about himself. “If you want to wear that, I’ll wear this one.”
Erick stared at the blue T-shirt with pink lettering that said the same thing. “You sure you want to do that?”
It no longer felt like a huge admission. He never fit into the premade gender boxes, and if people didn’t appreciate his lack of adherence, fuck them. “Yeah. I think I do. I mean if people don’t like what our shirts say, screw them. This is me. Beau’s not going to kick me out for expressing my gender identity.”
Though knowing he’d be with Erick meant Cassidy would be getting essence through the doctor’s office tomorrow. So, part of his carefree attitude might have been not having to get a man to let Cassidy blow him. He savored the new-found freedom.
Turning around, Erick shrugged out of his T-shirt. Cassidy shouldn’t be such a perv, but the bath he’d given Erick came to mind. Erick’s lovely shoulders, the dusting of freckles, his straight spine leading down to a perfect ass. What Cassidy wouldn’t give to—
Erick turned around and caught him staring. “What?”
The male part of Cassidy roared to life. “Nothing. I think I’ll wear my black leather pants tonight.”
“No kilt?” Erick asked.
“Nope.” Cassidy foraged through his jeans and dress trousers. He pulled out the black leather pants and tossed them onto the bed. Granted, he’d had them since the late ’90s, but they were timeless. “These.”
Erick’s expression sparked with interest. “Oh, yum.”
Cassidy soaked in his appreciation, wishing for the millionth time he could do something to satisfy Erick’s need.
Cassidy shoved away the frustration that threatened to overpower him and stepped back into his closet. “Pants or kilt for you? Oh, I also have a couple of skirts.”
Erick’s eyes lit with excitement. “How about the dark blue kilt?”
“Perfect.” Cassidy laid the kilt on the bed.
Turning around to give Erick some privacy, Cassidy pushed off his sweats and wiggled into the leather. Yum, he’d forgotten how much he enjoyed the butter-softness sliding across his skin. Focus! He tossed his T-shirt into the hamper, grabbed his shirt, and froze.
Erick stared, drinking him in like he was the sweetest thing in the world.
The perusal made Cassidy’s breath catch. It had been forever since he’d paid attention to someone else’s desire for him. Erick’s need couldn’t be mistaken, lust and affection mixed into his ravenous look. The attention wound through Cassidy, making him feel sexy and kind of special.
“Oh God. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to gawk at you. You’re gorgeous, and I… I’m sorry.” Erick spun away and stared at his feet. “Shoes… I need shoes.”
Cassidy would go with the subject change and even joked, “Well, Cinderella, our feet are the same size. I’ve got some funky Doc Martens that would go well with your outfit. Or you could wear your kitten heels.”
Erick shook his head. “Got to be honest, as much as I love those shoes, they’re really more of sitting-down-admire-my-heels shoes.”
“Totally understand.” Cassidy sidestepped to his bedroom wall and pushed open the three sets of accordion doors to show off his shoe section.
Erick gave a low whistle. “Wow, your own personal shoe store, with racks and everything. All so neat and the shelves fit each type. You’ve even got a place to hang over-the-knee boots.”
“It’s overkill, but Beau insisted.” He ignored the thrill that sharing clothing with Erick gave him. “Which ones?”
“They’re all magnificent. Oh!” Erick gasped when he came to the perfect ones for his outfit.
Cassidy grabbed the pastel boots with sparkly laces for Erick and nabbed the shiny black ones for himself. “Good choice. I’ll set these by the door.”
“Will you help me with my hair?” Erick frowned into the mirror, trying to tame his adorably mussed hair, which attempted to go every way at once.
“Of course. Let’s go into the bathroom. The light is better in there.” Cassidy didn’t look at the tub but couldn’t ignore the light scent of roses that drifted off Erick.
“Thanks.” Erick sat on the stool, waiting while Cassidy got product, brushes, and a curling iron.
“How do you want it?”
“Any way you wanna give it to me.” Erick tipped back his head to meet Cassidy’s gaze with a bit of a smirk. “Oh… we’re still talking about hair?”
The innocence morphing into sexy boldness would have taken Cassidy down. If only…. “Um, I guess I’ll put some curls in.”
Cassidy missed the plug twice, dropped the brush three times, and burned himself once. After his unplanned juggling act, he curled, carefully spritzed some holding spray onto Erick’s curls, counted to ten, and then ran a brush through the silken strands of gold.
A small moan escaped Erick’s lips and a bright pink blush tinted his cheeks.
Too cute! To be that young…. Cassidy glanced in the mirror he had studiously been avoiding, to find Erick staring at their reflection. Him full of sin and Erick sweet and new, just starting out on life’s path. In another lifetime they would have made an excellent couple.
Nothing could be accomplished on that front, so Cassidy found his give-no-fucks attitude and announced, “I need some eyeliner.”
He fumbled for his cosmetic bags while Erick darted o
ut of the bathroom and quickly returned with his own.
“Tell me, what’s the secret?” Erick held the pencil as if he’d write a letter.
“Of?” Cassidy asked.
“Eyeliner.”
“Loosen your grip on the pencil. Don’t line the entire eye. At night, I do my upper lash line in a dark gray.” Cassidy sharpened his liner and then demonstrated. “I use a nude pencil and then brown to line about third of my bottom lash all to the corner, then I smudge the color out with a brush, adding a bit of eye shadow to the line for staying power.”
“Wow.” Erick stared into his bag like there were tricks and coiled snakes inside. “I’m going to try.”
Cassidy stopped him from putting the dull crayon to his eyelids. “Always start with a sharp pencil if you’re not using liquid.”
“Ah-ha.” Erick pulled out a sharpener and sharpened his pencils to points. “That’s why the sales lady insisted I needed this and liquid might be too advanced for me.”
With a bit of assistance, Erick drew the designated lines along his eyes.
God, he smelled so good. All of Cassidy’s willpower barely stopped him from dropping to his knees and worshipping him. “Now you soften and get the line to stay put by adding the same color eye shadow on top with a small tipped brush.”
“Thank you, Cassidy… for everything.”
The raw appreciation plucked something deep inside of Cassidy. Unused to the overwhelming feelings, gratefulness sprang to his eyes in the form of tears. One leaked. “No, thank you… and now for the mascara. I always use waterproof.”
Worry crept through Cassidy, making him pause at the back door of Club Zombie. Maybe he and Erick shouldn’t have left their safe cocoon where cuddles, sweet kisses, and their feelings for each other could be nurtured.
No, that was the point. Visiting the club would give him an injection of reality. He needed to be reminded Erick would be heading back to school, and he would be kneeling at the altar of hope while he lost his soul.
“I’m excited,” Erick whispered. He planted a kiss on Cassidy’s cheek, then stepped through the door.
Sighing, Cassidy mentally acknowledged this was a bit of realism they both needed but he didn’t want.
Cassidy led him toward the bar area, away from the loud music, and far from the sex rooms in the back of the club. A knife stabbed into his heart and gut in the same thrust. Rooms that Cassidy would soon be visiting again after Erick returned to school.
“Cassidy!” Corey waved to him. He and Jackson had commandeered a corner table away from the crowd and the music.
“It’s good to finally meet you, Erick McGrath. I’m Corey.” Corey launched himself at Erick, making him stumble back.
Erick’s eyes widened, but he accepted Corey’s enthusiastic hug with a big smile. “Great to meet you.”
Jackson stood and held out his hand. “I’m Jackson. Pleased to meet you. I’ve gotten to know your brother pretty well this last year. Good guy. Smart….”
Erick frowned, but he grasped Jackson’s hand and shook.
“So, are you two…?” Corey unlocked himself from around Erick. He looked back and forth between Erick and Cassidy.
Dear Lord. Cassidy tried to signal Corey to change the subject without success.
Corey forged ahead. “I told Jackson you two must be—”
“It’s not like that.” The admission hurt everything in Cassidy.
Corey squinted his eyes and tilted his head, staring at Cassidy as if he had sprouted horns. “Are you sure? ’Cause I mean….”
“We must be what?” Erick searched for answers between Cassidy and Corey.
Gesturing wildly, Corey said, “It means I didn’t expect I would see Cassidy ever again at the glory holes, or BJ Alley, or the BJ bar, or—”
“I think he gets the picture, Core.” Jackson grabbed Corey’s shoulder.
Erick widened his eyes and shook his head in denial. “No, I really don’t understand.”
Corey stared at Erick openmouthed, and then frowned at Cassidy. “Doesn’t he know?”
Cassidy should say something.
“Know what?” Erick’s voice rose an octave.
“Oh… has the doctor been sending you… essence, Cassidy?” Corey’s disbelief twisted each word into an unreasonable conclusion.
“That’s what the nurse brought you, right?” Erick’s gaze narrowed in on Cassidy.
Cassidy nodded.
Corey studied Cassidy until he bopped himself on the forehead. “I thought you retired your kneepads because you found your mate—but hey, mate or not, why aren’t you getting essence straight from this adorable tap?”
“Mate? Adorable tap?” Erick’s gaze burned through him. “I don’t understand….”
Corey began to explain, “Since he wasn’t getting essence at the club, I thought you might be his—”
Erick’s expression morphed into misery. “How do you know if someone is your mate?”
“Well, in Cassidy’s case, that’s easy. As soon as he swallowed, his own ability to… enjoy would return.”
Cassidy wished there was a hole, a rock, or a hole with a rock nearby he could slide over the opening once he crawled in. Well, he’d wanted reality. Here he starred in his very own shit-show, in sparkly Technicolor, on display for all to see.
If a cartoon artist drew Erick, the lightbulb of understanding would have just clicked on above his head. The pieces of the zombie puzzle were falling into place for him.
“So, he can’t…?” Erick snapped his focus onto Cassidy. “You haven’t… you can’t… is that why…?”
Cassidy shrugged.
“And when you find your mate that function returns?” Erick studied each of them.
Opening his mouth, Cassidy hoped intelligent words would fall out.
Corey probably didn’t have faith that would happen, given the evidence to the contrary, so he answered, “Of course. Though Cassidy’s more dedicated than most. He sucks more cock than Jackson and I combined.”
Erick took a sharp intake of breath that sounded more like a wheeze.
Jackson had always been more perceptive than Corey. He cleared his throat. “Corey, I think Cassidy and Erick need some time to talk.”
Corey stared at Jackson for a moment, and then he studied Erick. Gesturing a hand between Erick and Cassidy, he said, “Oh, I just thought…. I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to…. I’ll catch you both later.”
As Jackson led Corey away, Corey complained, “I didn’t know. There’s such a strong connection between them… I wouldn’t have expected that.”
Cassidy still had no idea where to begin. He held out the chair for Erick. “Um… let’s sit.”
“Thanks.” Erick sat. He studied Cassidy as if he were doing an interpretative dance and not simply sitting his ass in a chair.
“So, the club is where you usually get… essence. And that’s why the doctor sounded surprised you hadn’t gone to the club, because that’s where you would usually get what you need until you have a mate.” Erick’s voice had a hard quality that sliced into Cassidy.
Fuck. What could he say? “Yeah.”
“And obviously you didn’t want to do that with me—”
“No!” Cassidy looked around, but no one paid attention to them. “No.”
Erick folded his arms over his chest and glared as if he dared Cassidy to lie. “Then why?”
Pushing a hand through his hair, Cassidy needed to admit the truth aloud. “I’m terrified.”
“Of me?”
Cassidy shook his head. “No, of course not. I never go with the same man twice because it’s been twenty-eight years since my transition.”
“You want to find your mate.” Erick added distance between their chairs.
How could he make Erick understand? “I’m desperate to find my mate. I lived through the ’80s, when I lost everyone.”
“Lost…. HIV?”
Cassidy nodded as the intake of breath cut him open.
“Everyone I was close to is gone. I don’t think I can….”
Erick put a hand on his and squeezed. “I’m sorry.”
The softness and affection in Erick’s voice did Cassidy in. All the trepidation and worry bubbled to the surface, refusing to stay where he’d buried his terrors. He admitted, “We’ve gotten too close already. And I don’t want to hurt you, but honestly I don’t think my heart could take….”
“Take what? If we were mates?” Erick’s poor self-esteem edged out through his words.
“No! If we’re not.” Well, fuck consequences. “I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I love you.”
Erick stared at him. “What?”
“I do. I love—” Cassidy suddenly had a delicious lapful of Erick, who kissed him full on the mouth. There was so much love and affection infused in the press of his lips that he couldn’t misinterpret what happened. “You.”
A sound that was a cross between a sob and giggle came out of Erick. He glanced around self-consciously even though no one paid them any attention. He slid back into his chair but stayed close. “I love you too. I want to talk about this more, but Ethan is marching over here with his harem in tow.”
“Harem.” Cassidy snorted. He grabbed on to the humor because to believe he might finally get love would break his brain.
Storm stood at their table, flanked by his mates, who smiled. The happy expressions were probably meant to put Erick at ease and to overcompensate for Storm’s grimace, but their grins were a little too Stepford-zombie for Cassidy’s taste.
Cassidy squeezed Erick tighter for a moment before letting him stand. He stood next to him. “Great to see you guys.”
Storm glared at him, then grimaced at Erick and pointed at his shirt. “What the fuck does that mean? ‘Gender’s over.’”
“Means you’re an idiot.” Erick bit out each word like they had wronged him. He folded his arms across his chest.
Storm scoffed, “I asked a simple question.”
“No, you demanded in an insulting way. Don’t play games with me. I learned the same rules of combat you did from our father.”
