The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

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by Jennifer Cook O'Toole




  “The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is a must-have resource for tweens and teens with Asperger syndrome. By exposing the ‘secret’ thinking of NTs and opening each chapter with a list of ‘need-to-knows,’ O’Toole sensitively and candidly explains the social rules that often confuse teens with Asperger syndrome. The graphics, humor and short chapters make the book lively and accessible, while O’Toole’s own experiences as an individual with Asperger syndrome help teens connect personally with her insightful, practical advice.”

  —Diane M. Kennedy and Rebecca S. Banks, authors of Bright Not Broken: Gifted Kids, ADHD, and Autism

  “The joy of knowing that the mistakes of the past have a good chance of melting away is the real, not-so-secret ingredient that makes this book shine.”

  —Michael John Carley, Executive Director, GRASP, ASTEP, and author of Asperger’s From the Inside Out

  “Asperteens rejoice! Finally someone has produced a guide to the mysteries of teenage social etiquette. Jennifer’s brilliant writing style serves up huge, life-changing advice in small, bite-sized chunks, making this an invaluable reference point for navigating the difficult path between childhood and adult life. If you’re a teenager, buy a copy. If you’re older, buy one too—it’s never too late to learn those ‘secret rules’ and apply them in your life.”

  —Helen Wallace-Iles, founder and director, Autism All-Stars UK, and mother of four children on the autism spectrum

  “Wow! This book is awesome. The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is a triumph of words, wisdom and wit. It is a fun yet oh-so-important set of keys that will help Asperkids of all ages unlock virtually every mystery the NT world holds. I love it!”

  —Liane Holliday Willey, author of Pretending to be Normal and Safety Skills for Asperger Women

  “Jennifer O’Toole has done it again. Reading this book was like dipping into a bag of wonderful treasures. A very comprehensive guide to social rules for Aspies and a brilliant reminder of just how much NTs take for granted and how hard our Asperkids have to work each day. This book serves as a ‘universal translator’ and will strengthen relationships between Aspies and NTs everywhere… Our whole family is adopting the Asperkid positivity vibe. Jennifer is like the favourite aunt and best friend we all wish we had. If I could choose one book to give to my little boy as he grows up, this would be it.”

  —Rebecca Mitchell, psychotherapist (MBACP), author of the blog lovingmartians.wordpress.com, and very proud mom to one Asperboy superhero and his equally amazing NT supersister

  “Jennifer is the queen of understanding and helping others to understand the ins and out of Asperger syndrome. In this book Jennifer hits on all of the important issues tweens and teens face and provides ways for your Asperkids to thrive during this challenging time. Learn rules like ‘to be interesting to other people, you first have to be interested in them,’ ‘one mistake does not a friendship break’, ‘being right isn’t always the most important thing, even when it feels that way,’ and so much more. As the mother of an eight-year-old with non-verbal learning disorder, ADD and SPD, this book is the first I grab to help both me and my amazing little gal. An incredible book by an incredible woman.”

  —Lisa Davis, MPH, creator, host, and producer of It’s Your Health Radio and It’s Your Health TV

  “Not only is The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules a book for Asperkid teens and tweens, it is also a book for their parents, caregivers and for anyone who grew up Aspie and wants to understand themselves and the world around them better. Being undiagnosed until in my 40s, this is the book I wish I had when I was a teenager. Thank you Jennifer, for not only making these social rules no longer ‘secret’ but for helping create a social survival guide that helps promote acceptance, enrichment, inspiration and empowerment for Asperkids everywhere!”

  —Karen Krejcha, Executive Director of Autism Empowerment, Aspie, GRASP 2012 DSM Award winner, and loving mom of two sons with autism and Asperger syndrome

  “There are so many reasons to love this book. It is kid-friendly, fun, packed with practical tips, and full of respect for those needing these tips the most. The thing I love best about it, however, is how appropriate the content is for every student, both those on the spectrum and those who are not. In fact, we can all learn something from Jennifer O’Toole’s wonderful advice on relationships, organization, learning, communication and self-respect.”

  —Paula Kluth, PhD, author of You’re Going to Love this Kid: Teaching Students with Autism in the Inclusive Classroom

  The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules

  The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome

  Jennifer Cook O’Toole

  Illustrated by Brian Bojanowski

  Jessica Kingsley Publishers

  London and Philadelphia

  First published in 2013

  by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

  73 Collier Street

  London N1 9BE, UK

  and

  400 Market Street, Suite 400

  Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

  www.jkp.com

  Copyright © Jennifer Cook O’Toole 2013

  Illustrations copyright © Brian Bojanowski 2013

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

  Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

  O’Toole, Jennifer Cook.

  The Asperkid’s (secret) book of social rules : the handbook of not-so-obvious social guidelines for

  tweens and teens with Asperger syndrome / Jennifer Cook O’Toole.

  p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-1-84905-915-2 (pbk. format : alk. paper) 1. Asperger’s syndrome in adolescence. 2.

  Asperger’s syndrome--Social aspects. 3. Asperger’s syndrome--Patients--Life skills guides. I. Title.

  RJ506.A9O86 2012

  618.92’858832--dc23

  2012015213

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978 1 84905 915 2

  eISBN 978 0 85700 685 1

  Converted to eBook by EasyEPUB

  For Aspies of All Ages…

  (and especially the ones in my house)

  If you’re not sure whether you believe in miracles,

  perhaps you’ve forgotten that you are one.

  You shall no longer take things at second or third hand,

  nor look through the eyes of the dead,

  nor feed on the spectres in books,

  You shall not look through my eyes either,

  nor take things from me,

  You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self.

  Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”

  Contents

  Cover

  Acknowledgments

  “Where was this Book When I, Like
, Needed It?”

  - Introduction - Rules, Posers and Speaking a Foreign Language

  What Comes Naturally, and What Doesn’t

  Hold the Pillow

  The (Secret) Book

  What’s Ahead

  Aspie Forever

  Need-to-Knows

  What You Need to Know about the Need-to-Knows

  - 1 - How Not to Make a Light Bulb

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 2 - The Potty-Training Rule

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Notice, Tell, Thank

  The Potty Rule

  - 3 - So You Noticed a Kindness

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Quotealicious

  - 4 - I’m Sorry

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  The Trusty Apology Formula

  - 5 - The “Perseverance” of “Perserverance”

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 6 - Perfectly Imperfect

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 7 - But I Wasn’t Laughing

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  A Quiz

  Quotealicious

  - 8 - Poof! You’re Interesting!

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 9 - Mirror! Mirror!

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Reflective Listening

  - 10 - You’re Welcome

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  How to Give a Good Compliment

  You’re Welcome

  Quotealicious

  - 11 - Broken Spaghetti

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 12 - Boiling the Pasta

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 13 - You’ve Got to Hold the Pillow

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 14 - Take a Breath and Watch the Hammer

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 15 - Speak in Sandwiches and Make Suggestions

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Quotealicious

  - 16 - Unfiltered

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 17 - Tact and the Triple-Filter

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 18 - Literally?

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Situations Where What NTs Say and What They Mean are Not the Same Thing

  - 19 - Do I Need an Umbrella or an Ark?

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 20 - Temper, Temper

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Quotealicious

  - 21 - The Science of a Greek Goddess

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Head to Toe(s): Let’s Make It Happen

  The Look

  How Do I Do “Neat and Clean”?

  - 22 - Traveling by Bubble

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Where are the Bubbles’ Edges?

  NT “Bubble” Boundaries

  - 23 - Choices and Tactics

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  The Ingredients of a Trusted Friend

  - 24 - Who’s Who, What’s What

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Levels of Friends

  Webs, Stop Signs and Cling Wrap

  Quotealicious

  - 25 - Standing Up Straight

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 26 - Talking to Myself

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Dignity and Talking to Yourself: Internal Dialogues

  Being Mindful: Stop, Listen, Replace

  - 27 - Likes, Tweets and Texts

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  “Like” Me: The Secret Rules of Social Networks

  Digital Decorum

  - 28 - The Loveliest Curve and an Open Door

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  ASPERGIRL to ASPERGIRL: Short Skirts and Fruit Loops

  HEY, YOU GUYS! Manly Men

  - 29 - There’s More for Dinner than Mashed Potatoes

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  - 30 - Wedgies, Tattletales and Queen Bees

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  A Little Extra Note, Aspergirl-to-Aspergirl: Cliques and Queen Bees

  - 31 - Through the Looking Glass

  Need-to-Knows

  Asperkid Logic

  Stickies

  Practice Sessions

  #1 The Main Idea

  #2 Pick and Choose

  #3 Police Officer

  #4 Stood Up

  #5 Busy Body

  #6 Sweet Melody

  Stick a Fork in It—We’re Done

  Resources You Will Actually WANT to Use. Really

  For You…

  Style for All!

  Gift-Giving

  For Your Teachers, Parents and Family

  References

  Books

  Online

  Media

  Personal Communication

  Quotation Pages Sources

  Acknowledgments

  There are times where you may find that you are part of something much bigger than yourself. For me, “right now” is such a time. And it is so very well with my soul. I am humbled by the voice I get to have in this world-wide “Aspie” conversation, and am honored to be given the chance to tie my life’s experiences up in a bow and offer them, like a gift, to the next generation of Asperkids. So, thank you…

  To the parents who’ve called me crying and afraid, and to the kids whose renewed self-esteem has made me burst with joy: thank you for sharing your journey and your trust. May I always do well by you.

  To those who’ve taught me—through kindness or hurt, through love or abandonment—exactly who I am, thank you for showing me my own originality.

  To the “Super Jessica” Kingsley (yes, I do think you should wear The Cape to board meetings) and her brilliant publishing team, thank you for believing in me—again. Know how sincerely I appreciate your vision and dedication and how proud I am to bear the JKP mark.

 

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