Now Aspies have manners that are as good as anyone’s. It’s not so much the act of giving thanks that we Aspies miss. We miss the step before that. Often, we don’t notice what we’re even supposed to be saying thank you for.
Experts say that one of the most forgotten social skills is simple appreciation. And paying attention to someone else’s words or actions can be really tough for Asperkids (and adults). Remembering to look for and then trying to figure out the thoughts and effort behind the words and actions is even tougher.
Let’s say you have a new video game, and you are in the middle of the highest scoring round you’ve ever played. In that case, the call to the dinner table doesn’t feel like an invitation to share time and food. It feels like an interference. You don’t want to have to stop. Which means you’re probably not going to gracefully notice that there is a hot dinner in front of you which was not, in fact, synthesized by a “food replicator.” Someone earned the money to buy the food, and took the time to plan, shop for, and prepare the meal. That’s awfully hard to remember, though, when all you can think of is the video game.
Or if you are caught up in your newest Lego masterpiece, you may not care that your dad rearranged his schedule to be able to drive you to school. When it’s time to go, you’re just frustrated that you have to stop.
While no one may ever call your feelings wrong, it’s quite possible that they’re a bit short-sighted. We Aspies have a habit of reacting only to our experiences without taking others’ feelings into account. When we complain about what feels like an inconvenience, we may fail to notice that someone’s actually done something nice for us. The “reward” for being kind to us should be a genuine “thank-you”; it should not be an “it’s-all-about-me” tirade.
The thing is that Aspies are a little more self-referenced than your average NT. That is to say that it is harder for us to step outside our own thoughts and experiences. We are a little more stuck in our heads, our own interests, our own lives. In fact, if you pay attention, we tend to use the word “I” rather often. To other people, that looks like arrogance or self-centeredness. It’s not. Self-centered and arrogant mean you think you are more important than others. That’s not you. Or me. Usually, our trouble is that we have to be reminded (or learn to remember) to step outside of our own thoughts in the first place.
No guilt trip. I totally get it. We’re not ungrateful, we’re intensely absorbed. If I have a book in my hands (which now means all the time since e-reader apps), the last thing I want to do is…well, anything. I’m content in my own world. But, the fact is that my own little world isn’t the world that is going to pay me, love me, feed me or shelter me. If we want to be included, liked, hired, or invited to anything or by anyone, then learning how and when to say a sincere thank-you is an absolute must. A “non-optional social convention.” Why?
Really good thank-yous are how we show others that:
• We understand they’ve CHOSEN to be kind to us.
• We recognize that their resources (money, time, etc.) could be spent elsewhere.
• We appreciate that we matter to them.
When we don’t thank others (even if it’s just because we forget) NTs think:
• We don’t care about what was given to or done for us.
• We’re self-centered.
• We don’t appreciate or care about the gift or the giver.
And the result? Friends decide we’re not really worth any more of their energy. They kick us out of groups and just avoid us altogether. Family members and teachers will feel unimportant, and aren’t too willing to help out again. Putting it straight: we’re on our own.
What started off as a little “thank-you” turns out to be pretty big stuff, after all. So, let’s just break down these hard-to-figure-out expectations into three little steps:
Notice, Tell, Thank
First, notice when someone spends time with or money on you. They didn’t have to. It was a choice they made because they value you.
Second, tell them a specific feeling that their fondness gave you. That feeling was the REAL gift. Stumped on what to say? Try one of these words for starters:
“I felt (insert feeling word) about/because/when (their behavior).”
Example: “I felt glad when you invited me.”
Better than “Happy”
Better than “Good”
Better than “Nice”
lucky
comfortable
included
important
encouraged
confident
glad
bright
proud
thankful
reassured
excited
Asperguy note: Learning how to identify your feelings is just as important for you, especially as you start dating and dealing with girls (we just talk about that stuff more, and we like it when guys actually admit they HAVE feelings). But, you’re probably not going to want to get quite so “touchy feely” with other guys. That’s another one of those “unwritten” lines that may make people uncomfortable if you cross it. So, guy-to-guy, you can change the “tell” part of the strategy to something like this:
“It was cool of you to (what they did).”
Example: “It was cool of you to invite me to the party.”
Third, thank them in words and in actions. Remember that just because you FEEL grateful or happy on the inside, unless you speak up, no one else knows what you are thinking. You have to really spell it out for others to understand:
“Thanks for (the gift or action).”
Finish up with: “Thanks for including me.”
The Potty Rule
Let’s say someone recorded your favorite show, did a household chore for you, or saved you a seat at lunch. Maybe the person gave you some good advice or stuck up for you when you needed it. That person has gone out of his way to keep you in his life or make you feel happy. Maybe your mom spent money on an activity you like instead of on something for herself. These are the little things that matter a lot overall.
Because those kindnesses are sort of quiet ways of saying “I like you,” they can be hard to miss. My family came up with a “thank-you” guide based on (just work with me here) a kids’ potty-training show. In the program, one stuffed bear advised another, “Whenever you think you might have to go, you probably do.” And you know what I’ve discovered? The potty-training rule works for a lot of things. “Thank-yous” being one.
Whenever you think you should say THANK YOU, you probably should.
The hard truth is that failing to recognize others’ words or actions makes us seem unappreciative. Which is totally untrue. So take the time to look around and try to NOTICE who and what made your day a little nicer, a little easier. And if you think maybe you should say thank you, you probably should. You can never go wrong. Just try leaving a “trail of little sparks of gratitude” every day and “you will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship” all around you (Carnegie 1936, p.23).
Don’t worry, even with your new “thank-you radar” tuned in, you may still “miss” sometimes. It’s OK. That’s when the other two big words come in handy: “I’m sorry.” Still, more often than not, the “potty-training” rule works. And you’ll be right. It was worth a thank-you, after all.
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So You Noticed a Kindness
The Technicalities of Thank You
Need-to-Knows
• “Thank-Yous” come in different levels, and NTs will expect you to know which kind is right for each situation.
• Sometimes, saying “thank you” is enough. Other times, more is expected.
• “Notice, Tell, Thank” works in written thank-yous as well.
• Written thank-yous can be sent as handwritten notes, e-cards and digital photo cards, or emails, depending on the type of note and who is receiving it.
• Thank-you gifts are the way to go when someone does something extra special for
you.
• Never let your thank-you gift outshine the original gift.
Asperkid Logic
Whether it’s another kid or your little brother, your dad or the school janitor, everyone deserves to be acknowledged for the nice things they do. That’s called “reciprocity,” and the kind of “gift” it requires of you is really more of your heart than from your wallet. You wouldn’t give someone a gift just because they bought you a birthday present. And you don’t have to go wash your mom’s clothes because she did yours. Like in math, where reciprocal fractions are sort of reverse images of one another, reciprocity in social relationships is the yin to the yang, the reflection to the original—responding to one positive action with another positive action, rewarding one kindness with another.
Remember “NTT: Notice, Tell, Thank”? OK, so let’s say you have “noticed” a kindness. Good start. But showing appreciation does take effort and it does take time. That’s kind of the point. Acknowledging another person’s kindness with your own time, words or service says that you know his or her time is as valuable as your own.
Mom did your laundry and then asked you to please put it away. You may be disappointed at having to spend your free time hanging up shirts, sure. But your mom probably didn’t have herself a party while moving your wet underwear from the washer to the dryer. I’ll bet she, too, could’ve found something more fun to do with her time—but out of love, she spent her time on you. Dreading writing thank-you notes after your birthday party? True, it may not be the most exciting thing to do. Then again, your friend might’ve bought a new gaming cartridge or model set with the money he spent on your gift.
NTT Practice
Time to NTT them. (And yes, you can change up the order if you want—NTT, TNT, whatever works. No worries.) For example, you might say:
“Dad, you recorded Monster Bug Wars (NOTICE)! I’m really happy you thought of doing that for me (TELL). Thanks a lot (THANKS).”
OR
“Hey, Jenna, that was cool how you waited for me before music class (NOTICE). Thanks. I was so glad to have a friend to walk with (THANKS and TELL).”
Thank You—Turned Up a Notch
OK, you’ve got that NTT stuff down. Good, because spoken thank-yous cover most situations. However, when someone gives you a gift of any value or does something thoughtful that really impacts your life in a positive way, it’s time to turn your appreciation up a notch and write a thank-you note.
With a few exceptions, the social “rules” still say handwritten, not typed, is expected. That takes more time, for sure, which is the point. By putting more effort into writing out your thank-you, you show how important the gift or deed was.
When is a Written Thank-You Expected?
Generally, the NT rules are that you write your thanks out when:
• You’ve been given a present, and the gift-giver isn’t there to thank face-to-face; by writing a note, you assure the person her gift arrived safely, that you appreciated it and the effort she made to have it delivered to you.
• You’ve been given a gift for a celebration—like a birthday, graduation or religious celebration. (One exception: if you and the giver live in the same home, you don’t have to write a note, but you DO need to say a specific, sincere thank-you for the gift.)
• You’ve been the guest of honor at a party.
• You’ve stayed at someone’s home for a few nights (maybe your parents were on a trip) or for a special visit away from home (to your grandparents, a cousin or a long-distance friend). Their warm hospitality—food, space and entertainment—was a big gift!
• You’ve benefited from someone’s talent (a friend helped redecorate your room) or time (a neighbor fed your pet rabbit while you were out of town).
• You’ve had an interview—for a job or for school admission. The employer or admissions officer took valuable time from other duties to meet with you and give your application consideration.
But What Do I Say?
A solid thank-you note is really just a written out version of the “NTT” rule. Just promise me you’re going to use that Aspie brain to imagine up better adjectives to describe the gift or your feelings than: good, nice or fine. You can do sooooo much better!
1. Notice: why you are writing—you are saying thank you! Specifically name the gift or action for which you are thankful. Exception Alert! If the gift was money (cash, gift card, check, whatever), use the words “your generous gift” instead of specifying an amount, which isn’t really important and is impolite to mention.
2. Tell: how you will use it and how nice it feels to be cared about, thought of, listened to, included, etc. Be positive no matter what. If you really do love the gift, say so. Like, “That book may become my new favorite! It’s great!”
On the other hand, you can always find something nice to say, even if you don’t like the present. Great-Aunt Mildred sent hot pink stretch pants that you wouldn’t wear EVER? No problem. Try, “The color is a real crowd-stopper—so bright and lively.” It’s honest and, after all, it is the sentiment behind the gift that matters.
Oh, and if you’ve been given cash, etc., give an idea of how you will spend or save it. For example, “Your generous gift will really help me save up for a new laptop.”
3. Thank: the other person again before signing off. And you’re done!
Anything missing? Yes! A thank-you note is about the gift, not about you. Leave newsy tidbits for the next time you chat.
A Matter of Time
Thank-you notes should be written as soon as possible. BUT no matter how late your thank-you note, it’s always true—better late than never. Apologize for the delay and write it anyway!
Email or Snail Mail?
Personal notes should really be handwritten; try your best to be neat, but don’t worry about how perfect your handwriting is or isn’t. It’s the effort you are putting in that counts. However, if having to handwrite a note is obstacle enough to make you throw your hands up and scrap the whole thing, you do have some fun twenty-first century options:
• E-cards: they are fun and fast.
• Apps and programs: lots of desktop computers have postcard/stationery functions built right in, which is really fun because you can insert photos of the gift being used, or of you and the giver; similarly, smartphone and tablet apps make saying thank-you creative and easy—point, click and drag your way into instant postcards or greeting cards that are ACTUALLY posted and mailed for you.
Formal thank-yous (job or college interview, etc.): If an email address is listed on someone’s business card, or if someone from the business has emailed you, then yes, it’s alright to send a carefully worded, carefully proofread email. Just be sure you spellcheck it (sending anything misspelled digitally looks lazy, since the computer can help do the proofing for you) and keep clear of any “signature” quotations after your name. If you can’t decide how to reach them, you can NEVER go wrong by handwriting a note.
I Still Need Help!
Seriously, no sweat. Getting started on the note is the hardest part. Check out the Resources List at the back of this book for my favorite “manners” guides, tweets and podcasts that will help you say whatever you want or need to without any worries about finding the right words.
One Step Further: The Thank-You Gift
There are occasions when, beyond even a note, you really ought to have an actual “thank-you gift” ready. Teachers, coaches, scouting leaders. Maybe someone gave you a big break. Anyone who devotes a large chunk of time to you would really like to know that he or she has made a difference. And in these cases, you can go that extra bit with a gift of your own.
Personally, I have a “treasure box” in my closet where I keep little stuffed animals, poems, photos and mementos given to me by my students. These trinkets are some of the most precious things I have, because they remind me that I mattered to these kids.
How Much is Too Much?
Just when this all seemed pretty logical and lai
d out, I have to warn you of a hidden social pitfall. Overkill. And this, for us Aspies, is a biggie. We often go big or go broke, when somewhere in the middle is the best answer.
You see, an over-the-top thank-you gift or note in return for a small favor might actually embarrass the recipient. Instead of thinking kindly of you, the person may see you as desperate or clingy, and avoid or joke about you. Complete backfire. In an episode of the old TV show, Seinfeld, the character named Elaine bought her friend a cup of coffee; he, then, bought her a coffeemaker as a thank you. His much more expensive, substantial thank-you was so out of proportion that it created enough confusion to fuel a thirty-minute sitcom. Why?
The thank-you should always be less fancy and less expensive than the original gift or deed (otherwise it becomes a sort of weird, never-ending competition). Let the other person’s gift shine without stealing the spotlight.
Good Sense and Pink Pants
As Aspies, we’re going to make mistakes speaking “Social-ease.” It’s a given. We’re not natives to these rules, and from time to time, every Aspie is going to blow it. But at least with all of these particulars in your back pocket, you’re a lot less likely to get tripped up on the small, technical stuff. Don’t try to memorize it all—come back and check when you need to. After all, Asperkids are naturals at following rules that make good, logical sense. And when you get to the bottom of it, this whole “thank-you” rule makes good sense. It is important to stop what we are doing long enough to acknowledge when other people treat us well (especially if we want them to keep treating us well!). And yes, that even goes for Great-Aunt Mildred…just cross your fingers that next time she picks out something besides hot pink stretch pants.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules Page 5
