If You Chose Mostly Bs: Mean Teasing
Not funny. No way, no how. This isn’t OK, and you’re not being overly sensitive. You can take a joke, thank you, it’s just that this isn’t funny. Teasing that happens repeatedly, is about something you can’t help (money, appearance) or really love (Star Wars, Harry Potter), is smoothed over with a fake “just joking!” or is meant to make you feel embarrassed or hurt is MEAN. And, it’s not going to stop until you get an adult to step in. So don’t wait.
If You Chose Mostly Cs: Accidental Ouch
Sometimes even our best friends mess up and say something that they shouldn’t. In these cases, it’s an “accidental ouch,” teasing that isn’t OK, but really wasn’t meant to be hurtful—and will stop when you make it clear how you feel. So use an “I felt…” statement and expect a change. If it keeps happening, though, go back and see “mostly Bs.”
Once you decide if this is a “with” you or “at” you kind of situation, read the rules in “Wedgies, Tattletales and Queen Bees” and/or “Through the Looking Glass” (mini-chapters 30 and 31). This is tricky stuff and takes practice. You’ve got allies—you just need to know where to look to find them.
Quotealicious
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Poof! You’re Interesting!
Being Interesting by Being Interested
Need-to-Knows
• Everyone wants to feel heard and to know that they matter.
• Show what you know bit-by-bit so that everyone gets a chance to be heard.
• To be interesting to other people, you first have to be interested in them.
Asperkid Logic
The Oprah Winfrey Show first came to television sometime when I was in elementary school and for twenty-five years was a broadcast powerhouse. Whether you ever watched a single episode or not, you have to give some credit to a woman who was welcomed day after day, year after year, into living rooms around the world. When she ended the run in 2011, Ms. Winfrey summed up all that she had learned by saying:
“I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation… They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’… The only time I made mistakes is when I didn’t listen.”
Asperkids are, in general, good talkers—at least when we get on those subjects we really love. Dinosaurs, space. Greek gods, super-heroes. Trains, animals. You know—the special interest that you could lose an entire day to without realizing an hour had slipped by. Well, in our “Aspie family,” we have several special interests going at any one time. And I can tell you that someone who loves everything there is to love about mythology isn’t necessarily interested in the differences between an allosaurus and a T Rex. The paleontologist isn’t too keen on finding out every legend involving Athena, either, and neither is the junior Spiderman. So if we’re not careful, dinnertime can sound like three running monologues—each Asperkid going on about his or her favorite topic without really involving the others.
It gets pretty noisy.
With all that talking, is anybody listening? Not really. Yet if you asked any of the kids, they would say that they were being friendly and upbeat. They were doing everything possible to be the kind of person everyone would want to know. Only they would be wrong.
Being Part of the Action—Not the Whole Game
Good conversations should be kind of like a well-matched tennis or volleyball point. You know how crowds watching the court look one way, then the other, then back, then over again? It’s like a duet. One side doesn’t overpower the other—both sides participate equally. That’s how, in conversations and relationships too, everyone gets to feel part of the action.
We Aspies are great at remembering information—especially when it comes to our special interests. It’s why Asperkids are often identified as “little professors” when we’re very young. Only that’s not entirely the compliment we might think it is. After all, we’re darned proud of knowing every make of car or species of butterfly or whatever it is that fascinates you. And we should be! Our trouble is that we think the NT world is going to be impressed by that library of knowledge and want to hear everything we have to share—so we talk…and talk…and talk. We miss the signs that we are boring people, rather than interesting them, and are—even worse—coming off as “instructive” (a lovely word one counselor used to tell me that basically, I sounded like a know-it-all).
Nobody is going to like it if they think you are showing off.
So how do you manage to take part in—but not take over—a conversation if you do know a lot about the topic? Maybe even more than a teacher? Simple. You do it a little bit at a time. We can spend all of our energy showing off everything we know to everyone, and we won’t impress anybody. Or get people to like us. Trust me on this one. I did it. And it’s how I got the name “Dictionary Brain.”
Talking more than listening. Talking about yourself. Your interests. Your experiences. Interrupting other people because you have an idea that just can’t wait. That may be how you win trivia games (and I love my “Jeopardy!”), but it isn’t how you make friends.
Instead, remind yourself:
• I know that I know what I know. Everyone else doesn’t need to know it, too.
• Showing what I know a little bit at a time gives other people a chance to feel smart, too.
• I have to wait for the right moment to speak up—like when someone asks me a question or a teacher asks the whole class for an answer.
• I’ve got to be patient! Other people will eventually recognize that I know a lot about the topic.
• Because they’ve had a chance to participate, too, they’ll be more eager to work with, talk with or hang out with me.
People Like People Who Make Them Feel Good about Themselves
Here is the not-very-nice-sounding but absolutely true fact: “People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner” (Carnegie 1936, p.34). It’s nothing personal! It’s just that, like Oprah said, everyone’s greatest need is to feel noticed. Heard. To matter. That’s true of you. Me. Everyone.
If you want to be interesting to other people, you must first take an interest in them.
You don’t do that by talking at them. You do that by listening to them. Nothing you can say, no fact you can share will be as interesting to another person as what you get them to say about themselves. “A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.…Think of that the next time you start a conversation” (Carnegie 1936, p.51).
Kids don’t like other kids who act “high and mighty.” Adults don’t either, actually. No one is going to want to work with or hang out with someone who blurts out, shows off or doesn’t really listen to others’ ideas. Really, would you? Where’s the fun in that? Everyone is happier when the entire group has an equal chance to contribute. Stop that from happening, and the message you send is that you need to prove you are smarter, that you have better ideas and that you are just all-around more important than everyone else.
Take it from “Dictionary Brain.” Control the urge to show off what you know (tips on that coming up), and contribute to the group little bits at a time. You don’t have to have an encyclopedia full of facts ready, know just what to say or even have a bunch of funny jokes at your fingertips. The crazy, way-hidden, are-you-serious, very-secret social rule is this: To learn a lot and be included more often, you have to become a really good listener. Want to know how? Good. Keep listening.
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Mirror! Mirror!
Reflect, Reflect, Reflect
Need-to-Knows
• You have to use your whole body to SHOW someone you are truly listening (remember: they can’t tell you are paying attention unless you SHOW it).
• Reflective listening techniques help you stay focused and create strong connections with other people.
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Asperkid Logic
By now, you’ve got the point that listening to people—not talking at them—is actually how to impress people and make them interested in knowing you better. Sounds pretty easy, right? Wrong. Being a good, active listener takes thought, preparation and lots and lots of practice. It involves your body first and words last. And while it sounds strange at first, it really is simple logic. By encouraging others to talk about themselves, you make people feel important. And when you make them feel important, they want to be around you more.
So, how do we get started?
Listening with Your Whole Body
Your ears may be all you need to hear, but you need a lot more to SHOW that you are listening. Remember, the other person can’t tell you are paying attention unless you use your body to make it clear.
Eyes
This is tricky for Aspies. In general, NTs show interest by making and maintaining eye contact with the other person. For a lot of us, though, eye contact is really uncomfortable; we end up thinking more about trying to look at the person than what’s being said.
Try:
• looking at the spot between the person’s eyes, or at their nose; it will seem that you are looking at his eyes
• saying, “Forgive me—I’m really listening, sometimes I can pay attention better if I look away.”
Mind
The human mind CANNOT think about two thoughts at the same time. It is a scientific fact. We can switch back and forth really fast, but we can’t think about two things at once. This means that if you are thinking about what to say next, you are NOT listening to what the other person is saying. So if you are about to jump in with a “but…”—wait until you have heard her whole idea. You can’t hear what she’s saying if you are thinking about what your own reply will be.
Hands, feet, etc.
Bouncing around, squirming in your chair, fidgeting like crazy—these may not feel distracting to you. In fact, you may actually listen better if you have something to occupy your hands. But to the other person, it probably doesn’t feel like you are listening. Moving around a whole lot sends the message that you are impatient or bored. So, you might say, “What you’re saying is really important. I need to keep my hands busy or to move a bit so I can really listen well.” And that should be absolutely fine.
Then, use the rest of your body to SHOW you’re paying attention:
• Lean in, toward the speaker.
• Nod your head occasionally to show you understand.
• Smile, if it’s a happy topic.
• Keep arms uncrossed; closing your body sends the message that you’re not open to others’ ideas.
• Ditch any gadgets, like cell phones or games. (Remember the point about not being able to think about two things at once? You really can’t do it.)
Interrupting
Even though we don’t mean it that way, interrupting another person says that we don’t really care about what he’s saying and that what you have to say is more important. This is a really common Aspie habit—and a tough one to break. So, how to stop?
• Close your mouth. Literally. If you have opened your mouth and are about to speak, shut it. Even without speaking, opening your mouth sends the message that you WANT to talk rather than listen. Imagine you have glue on your lips and keep them closed.
• Imagine a notepad. One of the main reasons we interrupt is because we are afraid we’re going to forget what we want to say. So actually imagine a notepad, and “see” yourself writing your thought out. By visualizing the idea, you are a lot more likely to remember it. Or if you have a real notepad, use it.
Once your body is involved, your mind is more focused, too. Great start. You are well on your way to showing others that you hear them and that you are interested in what they say. Which means you are making others take more of an interest in you, and in what you will eventually say, too.
Mirror! Mirror!
You’re leaning, nodding and listening. You’ve got that whole body thing working, making it clear to the person speaking that you are paying attention. She feels important. She feels interesting. And it’s all because of you.
Which totally rocks. People act based on the thoughts and feelings they have about something or someone. By making the speaker feel important and interesting, you’ve given her really good thoughts about you.
You’ve got the rest of your body in the game—now let’s bring that voice back.
Reflective Listening
After college, I went to graduate school to become a counselor (and then a teacher) for middle and high school kids. At that time, I still didn’t know I was an Aspergirl—or even what Asperger’s was. But I did know that one particular skill we were being taught made a big difference in the kinds of conversations I was able to have with people.
Without realizing it, I was learning to listen in a way that is totally un-Aspie…but is really, really powerful. It’s a strategy called “reflective listening.” And in my mind, I named it “being a mirror.” Bear with me—at first it may sound a little “psycho-babble”—that stuff that counselors and psychologists use. Well, I did learn it in Social Work School, after all. But trust me, it works.
Reflective Listening lets other people know that not only are we listening, we are understanding them. For Aspies, understanding other people’s ideas can be really tough. SHOWING that we understand is even harder—but to make others feel “heard,” it’s a “have to do.”
This skill will make time spent with anyone—your parents, teachers, friends, guys/girls (as in dating), your future boss, even your brothers and sisters—easier and more sincere.
What It is…and What It isn’t
Reflective Listening IS:
• a way to keep your mind from wandering while listening
• a way to make sure you understand what someone is actually saying and feeling, rather than what you thought they said or felt
• proof that you want to understand the speaker’s ideas
• a way to help the speaker figure out his own thoughts, which makes him feel more powerful (and glad to be around you)
• the start of better, truer friendships.
Reflective Listening IS NOT:
• a way to prove you are right
• a method to persuade or convince someone to agree with you
• a statement on your part that you agree or disagree with the person’s point of view, just that you understand it.
And here’s how you do it:
Step 1: Reflect the Words
Say back (repeat or summarize) what you’ve heard, but in a question form beginning with:
“You feel…” or “It sounds like you…” or “You’re wondering if…”
If you’re reflecting the person correctly (being a good mirror), the speaker will say so.
If you’re not quite getting the message (sort of like a fun-house mirror), the speaker should say that, too. It may even turn out that you did hear correctly, but that the person speaking isn’t saying exactly what he means.
For example:
You hear a friend say: “I can’t do anything right!”
You say: “You feel like you mess up a lot?”
Step 2: Reflect the Feeling
Challenge moment! Can you hear a particular feeling in the person’s voice? That’s tough, I know, but try. Is she speaking very quickly? Loudly? Quietly? Look at her body. Is she stomping her feet or are her shoulders slumping? Is she crying? Is she laughing? Is she blushing? These are all clues to the emotions that may be just under the surface. And, you may even help her realize what it is that she is actually feeling!
Good starters here are (fill in blanks with feeling words—see page 50):
“You feel (blank)?”
“You sound (blank).”
“You look (blank).”
“Are you feeling (blank)?”
For example:
Your sister said: “That girl acts like such a princess.�
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You could say: “You sound mad” or “You look sad” or “You seem upset.”
Step 3: Check-In
Time to make sure you understand what the speaker is saying to you. Ask a question or two to be sure, using one of these lines:
“You feel (blank) about (blank). Is that right?”
“You feel (blank) when (blank).”
“You feel (blank) that (blank).”
And yes, it is OK to interrupt! Just start with, “Excuse me,” and the other person won’t feel cut-off. She will feel important.
For example:
You heard your friend say: “My brother makes me feel so stupid.”
You could say: “You sound pretty frustrated about your brother. Is that right? Did something happen?”
Step 4: Believe
You don’t have to solve the other person’s problem; in fact, you shouldn’t. Remember, we are trying to step OUT of that awful “know-it-all” or “bossy” role. Often, people talk just because they trust you to listen, not because they want a solution. Your goal is to be that mirror—to reflect, not to judge or give advice. So don’t give your opinion unless asked. Instead…show that you believe in others’ ability to solve problems.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules Page 8
