How? Even criticism from people you trust can be hard to swallow. But it’s not impossible. Here’s what you want to do to make the best use out of the advice they give:
1. Wait for your body to calm down. When you hear something that is difficult to absorb, your body is going to react. You may feel like you can’t breathe or that your stomach has dropped to your shoes. You may feel hot or flushed. You may tense up. While this is happening, you’re not able to listen or think clearly. Take slow, deep breaths. If you have to, imagine that the criticism is being directed at someone else. And most importantly, DO NOT DO, SAY or WRITE ANYTHING UNTIL YOUR BODY IS CALM.
2. Close your mouth and open your mind. Remember that you literally cannot listen to the feedback being given at the same time that you are thinking of what you want to say. Don’t argue or defend yourself. Listen.
3. Be confident. It’s not about you. Believe in yourself and your talents. Remind yourself that the criticism is NOT a personal attack. It’s being given so that you can do and be the best you possible. Don’t waste your time or energy defending anything—listen for the truth in the critique.
4. Be a mirror. Use those reflective listening skills. Restate the feedback that you hear. Be certain that you are receiving the message clearly. “So you feel/think (emotion/observation) about (your behavior/performance/idea) because (the criticism).” (Example: “So you feel concerned about the strength of my report because it doesn’t include enough references?”)
5. Ask questions. “What could I do differently? Do you have any suggestions? How would prefer I handle it? Did you know that…(fill in any missing facts)?” Be sure to get really specific directions for improvement. This is especially important if the critic is giving a general complaint without much of an explanation or suggestion attached. Asking questions will help you get the best advice and make the criticism as objective (about a thing, not about you) as possible.
6. Say thank you and give it a try. Once you’re sure you understand the criticism and the suggested solution, thank the other person for his input and try out the advice. Let the feedback be a chance for you to make a change for the better.
We Aspies are really good at knowing every detail of what we believe and why we think it is correct. Hans Asperger himself said that Asperkids’ parents should never be allowed to get into arguments with us because we could defend and argue our ideas without end. However, that doesn’t mean we are always right or that we’re the best we can be. There may, in fact, be other perspectives or facts we haven’t considered. But the only way to discover them is for someone to tell us. So when you see a hammer in someone’s hand—that is, you hear a criticism—remember to check: is he really there to bash you? Or is he there to offer exactly the tools you need to build a better you?
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Speak in Sandwiches and Make Suggestions
Knowing How to Give Good Feedback
Need-to-Knows
• Avoid giving criticism if you can.
• If it is kind, true and necessary, you still have to package it well.
• Stay positive and specific, and always offer a solution.
• Critique ideas and actions rather than people.
• Sandwich everything between sincere compliments.
Asperkid Logic
You already know that one of the surest “hidden” rules is that people don’t respond well to being told they are wrong. That’s because frequently, criticism is meant to be hurtful, or it focuses on a person rather than on an idea, action or product. We’ve covered that, and it is all very true. But real life isn’t Perfect World. We can’t honestly say, “You are right about everything!” to everyone we meet. That’s not being real.
For example: maybe you are redesigning your room, and your mom brings in a bunch of paint samples she thinks you will like; she’s gone to a lot of trouble, but you think the colors are awful. You can’t just smile while your bedroom turns sea-foam green. Or, what if your friend asks you to proofread his history paper, and it’s not so great? If he’s asking for your help, you owe him honest feedback.
So, here are two truths:
NT Truth #1: A lot of people ask for honesty when they don’t want it.
NT Truth #2: A lot of people chicken out and don’t give their honest opinions.
Have you ever watched the beginning rounds of talent shows like Idol ? There are always contestants who audition truly believing that they are superstar material, even though they can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Why? Because no one ever told them the truth. No one ever had the decency—or courage—to give honest feedback in a respectful, kind way. Most folks would rather tell a lie or say nothing at all. So, these poor contestants end up looking like fools on international television. That’s just not fair.
When is it OK or necessary to give honest—but critical—feedback?
• to help someone achieve a goal or improve his performance
• to encourage a change (in a school rule, a favorite blog, a restaurant menu)
• to start or deepen a conversation (criticism of a book, movie, theory).
Criticism is not cool when it is meant:
• to insult someone
• to puff you up by putting others down
• to unleash complaints you’ve been storing up.
No one can escape that there are times when we have to—HAVE to—give critical feedback. And this is really hard to do well. But take comfort. Most NTs have a hard time gracefully giving criticism, too. So, be patient with yourself (and with others).
On my first day of work after college, my boss sat me down and said, “I don’t mind if you have a complaint, but never bring it to me without a suggestion.” No matter how nicely you do manage to package a criticism, don’t bother giving it if you don’t have a solution to offer. A suggestion should be useful, helpful—a clear route to improvement and change.
And STAY POSITIVE. A whole bunch of “Thou shall not’s” is not particularly encouraging. That’s why you want to steer clear of don’ts, and cant’s and no’s. Instead, use positive words—do, can, good, strong. So, you might say, “It would be great if,” or “You can even,” or “One thing that would make it even better…”
We’ve talked about the power of sincere compliments BUT if we constantly follow up our kind words with a judgment or correction, people start to distrust us. Instead of appreciating the compliment, they’re waiting for the follow-up sucker punch. For instance, put yourself on the receiving end of this one:
“You did well on that math test, honey, BUT next time I hope you’ll do better on your English exam, too.” Was that even a compliment? Ouch. Gee, thanks a lot for nothing.
How honest was the original compliment if it was really just “but-tering you up” to knock you down later? Instead of “but,” if you need a connecting word, use “and.” It’s a much more pleasant conjunction that doesn’t prick at the ears or imply there’s a bigger problem to come. Add in some praise for what’s working, and just watch how the tone changes:
“You did well on that math test, honey, AND as smart as you are and hard as you’ve been working, I’ll bet you can bring all of your grades up that high. Your studying is really paying off!”
Last, be clear and specific in your suggestions. Make sure you are focusing on actions, not on the person himself. This will help the listener not to take the criticism personally, and instead be able to focus on actively improving. It might sound like: “The language in your opening paragraph is really strong. I’d love to hear more descriptions like that throughout the whole paper,” or, “You looked so pretty in that green dress the other day. You should really keep wearing more bright colors like that!”
In particular, we Aspies have to watch our “mental filters” and decide how MUCH truth to tell…not to mention how it sounds on the receiving end. There is a famous question you might ask yourself before speaking, as well: “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” (See mini-chapter 16, “Unfilte
red,” for more on this!) If you pass all three, move forward. And when you do have to say something that is less than “Yay!” say it in sandwiches.
Say It in Sandwiches
My family used to play a holiday game every Christmastime. Everyone would take turns swapping and stealing from a pile of mystery gifts. Adults and kids alike—everyone got in on the action. And, though her methods never changed from one year to the next, my “game show hostess” mom always managed to sucker someone. Without fail, the package with the loveliest wrapping paper, bows and glitter contained…a roll of toilet paper. Charmin Deluxe. That should’ve been a major disappointment, right? Especially after all of the stealing that was usually involved in snaring it. But the strange thing was that even if all of the other players wound up with fabulous trinkets, the toilet paper winner always had a big smile—because carefully and beautifully wrapped, almost anything seems like a prize.
Packaging is everything. And so, the first thing you have to remember when giving criticism is that you always want to begin and end with positive comments. You “sandwich” it, so to speak. If you start by saying something nice, the listener won’t feel attacked. “Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocaine. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocaine is pain-killing” (Carnegie 1936, p.108). By beginning your comments with honest, kind words, your audience won’t get defensive and shut their ears before you have the chance to say anything more.
Along the same line, you want the last thing you say to also be complimentary. It sort of seals the experience for the listener, putting an “It’s OK” memory stamp on your entire conversation.
Those two bits of praise are the slices of bread to your sandwich. Nestled between them is where you layer the actual critique, given in private, if at all possible.
By the way, you may have noticed that this book is full of examples of my own mistakes (I’ve got a load of them). However, I also happen to do a lot of things right. So why do I bother telling the entire world about the times when I’ve messed up? Because by pointing out my own blunders, it’s a lot easier for you to face your own similar challenges without feeling embarrassed—you laugh and learn along with me, and don’t feel so alone in considering your own areas for improvement. Use that strategy when giving criticism, too: share your own mistakes before criticizing other people. Pride goes before the fall. Let humility go before the criticism.
And there’s your formula. Yes, it’s still better to avoid giving criticism if possible. But when you do have to give fair and honest feedback, be sure to package it well:
Bread (sincere praise) + Criticism + Bread (sincere praise/encouragement)
Try to make sure the criticism:
• is given in private
• is sandwiched between sincere compliments
• begins with a mention of your own mistakes
• is positively stated
• is specific
• comes with a suggestion
• focuses on a thing or action, not a person
• is necessary.
When you’ve found yourself in an occasion where you have to give negative feedback, you can be honest AND helpful. Use our Sandwich Formula, and here are two examples of what you might get:
“Mom, it was so nice of you to get these paint samples for me, and I’d love it if you brought me with you to choose some others, too. Thanks. You really are a lot of help to me.”
“William, your opening paragraph is really persuasive. And if you keep that message going as clearly on page two, then you will have a very strong essay.”
Avoid giving criticism whenever possible, but if you must: “speak in sandwiches” and make specific suggestions. You know, it seems that once again, my mother was right (amazing how that keeps happening). It’s not always what you say, it’s how you say it that matters most.
Quotealicious
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Unfiltered
White Lies and Trust
Need-to-Knows
• NTs don’t always mean what they say, especially when asking for “honest” opinions.
• NTs usually believe that lying is wrong UNLESS it is done to spare others’ feelings or make a good impression.
• NTs tell “white” lies frequently—which is tough on Aspies, who take most everything at face value.
• Be sure to only trust those who have earned your confidence. You’ll be taken advantage of otherwise.
Asperkid Logic
There seem to be three kinds of reactions when it comes to “talking about” people. There are those who will hear none of it. Think Thumper in Bambi. “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.” Smart bunny. Then, there are folks who love hearing trash-talk. As one of my favorite characters in Steel Magnolias said, “If you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Those are dangerous people. Fun at a party—but you can bet that no secret is safe with them.
And then there are us. Aspies. We’re the ones who end up saying something about others or to them that we don’t mean to cause trouble. The “What did I say? I was just being honest!” moments.
There’s that pesky other-person’s-perspective thing again. Psychologists call it “theory of mind,” but mostly, Aspies just ought to call it the Blind Spot. Because that really is what it’s like isn’t it? Figuring out what another person is thinking or feeling is so hard. Making life just that much tougher is the fact that NTs often don’t actually mean what they say.
For example: just because someone asks for your honest opinion, she doesn’t necessarily want it, especially if your opinion is negative. Or, if someone says he wants to know “all” about your collection, his version of “all” is probably not the same as yours. And if someone asks how you are doing, odds are she really doesn’t want to know much more than “Great, thanks.”
Bullet Points and White Lies
I’ve heard it said that Aspies are missing “mental filters,” something to catch thoughts before they come out of our mouths and end up (accidentally) insulting or hurting people. I don’t think that’s the problem, though. If you want me to hold back or “sandwich” criticism, I can (heck, I just wrote a whole rule or two about how to do it!). We all can! It’s just a hidden rule problem again.
Look, Aspies take things at face value. What you see is what you get. It’s one of my favorite things about us. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. By our very natures, we value truth more than almost anything. And (here’s the mistake) we assume other people do, too. So, we give information the way we want it—thoroughly and honestly. But often what the NT world really wants are bullet points and white lies.
“Little” white lies, fibs, half-truths. Little slips meant to protect yourself or someone else from being offended. A friend texts that he is on his way to meet you, but really is still at home getting dressed. It’s an “unimportant” blurring of the lines. A little exaggeration, bending the story a bit. These are all “cute” NT world names for a not-so-cute thing. Lying.
Now, to most Aspies, a rule is a rule and a lie is a lie. We are all taught that lying is wrong; therefore, a “white” lie is also wrong. I realize that’s a very “black or white” logic. But guess what, I’m an Aspie. That’s me. So, I am not about to tell you that I think white lies are OK. I don’t. Most NTs disagree, though. The general “hidden” rule in NT world is that lying is wrong UNLESS it is done to spare others’ feelings or make a good impression. Which means you need to expect “white” lies to be a major part of daily conversations—much more frequently than you’d have to worry about noticing bold-faced, brazen lies. And that’s really confusing for us, who tell and expect the truth. So, we get taken advantage of A LOT.
When I was in middle school (the worst of my years being bullied), I went to a sleepover party. At some point, a popular boy from our class called, and talked to a few of the girls. Then, they handed the phone to me. It was the boy’s “cousin” on the line, they
told me. He’d seen my picture and wanted to talk with me. This played out while the whole party egged me on (I was so nervous and so excited!)—he even called me at home the next week. Pretty soon, though, I found out that there was no cousin at all, just the boy himself changing his voice. The whole thing was just a giant prank between the girls at the party and the boy from our class to embarrass me. And it worked—because never in a million years would it have dawned on me that all of these people could be lying.
People in NT world lie a lot more frequently and easily than we do.
Why? They do it:
• to avoid confrontation
• to minimize problems (especially if they are responsible)
• to exaggerate and seem more important
• to gain power.
The best protection I can offer you from being “duped” like I was is this fair warning:
Acquaintances are not friends, and they have not earned your trust.
Trust can only be earned through time or authority.
Acquaintances are Not Friends
Most of the people you know are acquaintances. We’re talking about someone you know—maybe even someone you see often. But this is not someone you know well, maybe the friend of a friend. An acquaintance isn’t a friend, though a friendship may develop in the future. For now, you may see him or her at school or at a particular activity, but your relationship stays there—you don’t spend free time together. Because you don’t know him or her well, you can’t trust that this person will not lie to you, remain friendly, or keep your confidences.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules Page 11
