‘Tomorrow,’ she said. ‘After the party.’
‘What about tonight?’
‘I can’t, Mum and Dad are expecting me back, but they think I’m staying over with Sue tomorrow. We’ll have all night long. All night.’ Jackie had no idea why she was making such a rash promise. Maybe she was just fed up with being put in the wrong all the time, maybe somewhere deep inside her, she’d decided that she’d waited long enough for things to work out right – she just had to do what she had to do.
‘Me and you in the place on our own, after everyone’s gone home,’ she promised. ‘We’ll do it then. OK?’ She felt as if she was withholding sweets from a child.
‘I can easily find someone who will, you know. You’re not the only fish in the sea.’ Dino scowled slightly to himself. Had he really said that? The lovely, unexpected things he came out with now and then that Jackie loved so much were matched only by these astounding pieces of oafishness. He had no idea himself where they came from. He peered at her to see how out of order it was. She was staring at him with a thin little smile.
‘Tomorrow’s another day,’ she said.
‘Don’t forget you promised.’
Dino looked suspiciously at her, then beamed. He was in love again. He was happy. He came to hold her in his arms, and pressed her tightly up against him.
‘You don’t know how happy that makes me,’ he murmured in a thick voice.
Jackie could feel herself melting away like a jelly. With her chin on his shoulder, she grimaced resentfully.
‘I know. I know, Dino. Honestly.’ She’d made him happy and she loved him for it – but only for a bit.
I’m going to get hurt, she thought. But she already was.
6
jackie
Can you believe him? ‘You’re not the only fish in the sea.’ Who does he think he is? And me! Letting him. Well, that’s it. If he thinks I’m going to go to bed with him at his ridiculous party, he’s living on another planet. It’s not just what he says – it’s the way he wraps me round his little finger afterwards. You know? Gives me a big hug and a smile and thinks that makes everything all right. And the worst thing is, it does make everything all right, for a bit anyway, just for long enough to watch a bit of telly and walk back to my place, and I’m getting angrier and angrier so that by the time we get to my door I can hardly speak I’m so furious, and you know what he says? ‘What’s the matter with you?’ What’s the matter with me? Can you believe it?
I’ve got no excuse, I’ve known what he’s like for years. There was a time at Primary School, I remember, he brought in this enormous cowboy hat – very appropriate – and he walked around the playground with a crowd of other little boys all begging him to let them have a go wearing it. It was huge, a great big black thing with silver tassels all the way around the edge. It was about three sizes too big even for his head, it looked ridiculous. If it had been any other kid, they’d have all teased him about it, but somehow Dino managed to make that stupid hat into something they were all just desperate to have on their heads.
I should have listened to Sue right at the start.
‘Just use him,’ she told me. ‘Use his body and then fling it back. Why not? Simon will never know.’ But did I do it? Did I hell! And do you know why? Because I’m not that sort of girl! How stupid is that? That’s how I see myself. I would never shag someone just for sex and betray my boyfriend. Other girls might do that but not me, oh no – I have to have a decent relationship with them before you get down to that sort of thing. I have to like them and respect them and have them respect me – even if it’s a total arse like Dino! He doesn’t even know what respect is. All the time I thought I was safe because I was sensible, and sensible people only fall for other sensible people. Only idiots fall for idiots. But when a sensible person falls for an idiot, that’s the person who really suffers, because a person who isn’t sensible just does mad things and likes it, but a sensible one spends her whole time trying to make an impossible situation sensible. I am so useless!
I keep thinking he’s going to get it. I keep kidding myself he’s going to grow up. But why should he? He gets everything he wants by just being a wanker. Except me. He just waved goodbye to that.
The first time I chucked him was after we went to see a film together – I forget which one it was, we go to films quite a bit. We sit and snog all the way through. It’s great. Anyway. I was still seeing Simon as well at the time. After the film we went for a walk in the car park and I gave him – well – I don’t want to say. Oh, God, I’m blushing. You know. A blow job. It was the first time I did that for him. It sounds horrible but it was really lovely, actually. I enjoyed doing it. It felt right somehow. Not sordid at all. I was floating on this lovely cushion of sex. And then on the way home, he started. He had a stiffie again immediately and he wanted to do a knee trembler in the car park but I wasn’t into that, that would have felt horrible. He went on and on and on, and by the time I got home I wasn’t feeling wonderful any more, I was feeling horrible and crabby and frustrated and pissed off. Trust him to spoil it. I was thinking I’d go to bed and have a diddle down there and think about all the things we did, but instead I had a shower and went to bed feeling ridiculous, as if crouching down and sucking him in the bloody car park was some sort of compromise that wasn’t really good enough.
I thought, That’s it. This bloke’s just awful. I gave him a ring the next day and told him. I was furious. And he was devastated – everyone said so. He begged me to go back out with him and what did I do? I said yes! Why? For a couple of weeks, I juggled Dino and Simon, trying to decide what to do but in the end there was no way round it. I had to tell Simon I needed a break. He was really upset. He kept sending me letters. Every other morning for a fortnight I’d open them at breakfast and weep into my cornflakes. I rang him up a few times and told him it was just for a bit. I really thought I’d end up going back to him in a few weeks.
‘I see,’ said Sue. ‘You shag Dino’s brains out for a few weeks, give him the elbow and go back to Simon for a mature, lasting relationship. Wouldn’t it be easier to just have an affair with Dino?’
‘I’m not shagging him,’ I told her.
‘What do you mean, you’re not shagging him?’
‘Not until I’m sure it’s the right thing.’
‘Shagging him is the single possible reason for going out with Dino. If you don’t shag him, why bother?’
‘I’ll give him a reasonable chance. If it’s no go, I’ll put him back on the shelf.’
Sue looked at me wearily. ‘This is wrong,’ she said. ‘Prepare to get hurt.’
‘I’m not like you, Sue,’ I said. ‘Either it’s serious, or it’s off.’
Sue looked at me like I was mad, but Dino has got his nice sides. He’s a sweetheart. I know that doesn’t sound like him, but he is. He blushes like a baby. And he’s so open – really. You can see what’s going on in there like a goldfish in a bowl, he just can’t help himself. When he’s not thinking about how cool he is, he’s actually very charming.
It’s not just that he’s desperate to sleep with me. I’m desperate to sleep with him. Really. He makes me feel like – ooooh. Sometimes I feel like weeping with frustration. When we … well, I don’t want to talk about that but you would not believe how horny I get. And I’m not going to do it unless I feel right, and how can you feel right when your boyfriend’s so selfish? Isn’t that stupid?
But … the thing is … you can’t blame him. Maybe we deserve each other. I’ve been leading him on for ages. I’m either chucking him or preparing to sleep with him practically every week, and every time I chuck him we get back together and every time I try to sleep with him I back out at the last minute. I guess I’m frightened of getting hurt. Which is totally stupid, because I’m getting hurt, anyway. And so’s Dino.
Maybe if I did it … I mean, what if that’s the problem? Poor boy, he must get so confused, he isn’t really all that selfish inside, he’s just not very go
od with feelings. That’s the problem, really. If I did shag him, maybe it would make everything all right? If I made him feel secure like that? And I do want to.
Tomorrow. After the party. I’m going to do it. Even if it makes me feel like shit afterwards, I’ll never be able to live with myself if I don’t. I’ll have a word with Sue about it in the morning. Yes! Oh, God. What am I like?
7
pressure
While Jackie and Dino were jumping on each other in the sitting room, Ben was outside the little row of shops just down the road from his place, on his mobile to Ali Young. They were having an almost argument.
‘It’s my birthday,’ she was saying.
‘It’s your birthday today,’ he told her.
‘You know I’ve got to see my friends tonight.’
‘Ah ha, well, I have to see mine tomorrow.’
There was a pause. Miss was not happy.
‘You could make the effort.’
‘What would I tell Dino? It’s his party, he’s my best friend. I can’t tell him I can’t come to his party because it’s your birthday, can I?’
‘Make an excuse.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Of course you can. If you wanted.’
‘I can’t! Look, I’ll see you Sunday …’
‘Don’t tell me when you’ll see me,’ said Ali sharply.
Ben took the phone from his ear and stared at it suspiciously. He felt completely fazed every time, when she veered from lover Miss to school Miss in mid-sentence.
‘All right,’ he said. ‘I’d like to see you on Sunday.’
Another pause.
‘It’s as if you’re ashamed of me,’ she complained.
Ben didn’t know what to say. This was getting complicated.
‘Well?’ she said.
‘Well what?’
‘Are you? Ashamed of me?’
‘It’s not that! We can’t exactly go public, can we? I mean, it’s not like …’
‘Like what?’
‘Well. It’s not quite the same as if you were my girlfriend, is it?’
There was another pause, so long this time that he got alarmed. He was just saying, ‘Hello,’ when she replied,
‘I’ve got to go now, Ben, that’s someone on the mobile, I’ll see you on Sunday, then. And don’t you dare go with anyone else – I’ll find out, you know. Goodbye.’ And she was gone.
Ben tucked his mobile back into his pocket and went into the newsagent to buy a chocolate bar. He was surprised at how pissed off the conversation had left him.
What did she want? He’d thought it was sex but now he wasn’t sure. He was seventeen years old, and he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to want him for anything. Not yet. Not for a long time.
Shagging Miss had always been scary, but lately there were other worries beginning to creep in. It wasn’t just the question of where it was all going. It seemed ungrateful, but he was missing girls of his own age. He sometimes actually felt jealous of Dino’s problems with Jackie; it all seemed so sweet and innocent and sexy. Miss not only knew it all, she’d done it all and if there was anything she’d accidentally missed she was keen to try it out. Measured against such monumental stark bollock naked, spread open, rampant rudeness, having a snog and a grope in the shrubbery seemed like a childhood game, a lost pleasure like toy cars and pogo sticks.
Then again, what if his sex drive got worn out? What if some sweet, shy girl came along and offered herself to him and he had to get her to swing from the light fittings with a telescope up her fanny and pegs on her tits before he could get it up?
Stupid. He was getting greedy. He was the man with more treasure than he could count, and here he was jealous of their little coins. As if he had any need to feel bad about himself.
8
the party
The idea was to have the Hand Dogs banging it out as people came through the door.
Look at you with your thigh-boots on,
Oh yeaaaah.
Won’t you let me dance with you?
Oh yeaaaah.
Stand up with you,
Lie down with you,
All over yoou-hooooo-hoooo.
Kirry-kirry oooooooo.
The trouble was, when were they going to arrive? Everything was set by five o’clock in the afternoon. Jackie had come round again in the morning to help get things ready, then disappeared for the afternoon to get her homework done and get ready. Ben turned up about lunch time, Jonathon at about three. They drank Coke and watched Dino check on his mobile to make sure everyone knew exactly what to do that evening: be there. Jonathon started nagging to open the beers and get stuck in.
‘There’s not enough as it is,’ said Dino. ‘We don’t want to get too pissed before the party’s even begun.’
‘Don’t we?’ said Jonathon, who seemed genuinely surprised.
Ben wagged his finger at him. ‘What about the girlies, Jon? We don’t want to be out of action for them.’
Jonathon, uncomfortable with a subject he felt unequal to, nodded and shrugged and tried to look cool.
Fasil turned up at six to drop off his famous party tapes, and then incurred Dino’s ire by clearing off to get on with his training and homework.
‘You can’t, I’m having a party,’ explained Dino, but Fasil was unmoved.
‘There’s no such thing as a party at six o’clock in the evening,’ he said. The door closed behind him, and the long wait began again.
‘I’m scared,’ admitted Dino an hour or so later, just after Jackie arrived. ‘In fact,’ he added about an hour after that, ‘I’m terrified.’
‘Calm down,’ advised Ben. ‘It’s going to be a great party.’
‘I’m having a good time already,’ said Jonathon.
The rest of the gang from school arrived shortly afterwards, but Dino cheered up only briefly. The main bulk were surely going to turn up any second now; the party needed to get hot. He kept running in and out of the front room putting the Hand Dogs on in case the first guests turned up, but by the time it’d played about ten times everyone was begging him to take it off.
Dino was laughing and loafing about, but inside he felt sick. What if no one came? He’d have emptied the house for a handful of mates and they’d all feel sorry for him. At nine Fasil turned up and began DJ-ing. The party had been started so many times that Dino was getting attacks of déjà vu and had to go into the garden to calm down with Jacks.
They wandered up past the lawn towards the patch of garden where his father grew vegetables. The music sounded tinny at this distance, nothing to do with him, almost. They had a snog. Jackie stopped him mussing her hair and made promises for later on. After the music. After the dancing. After the drink and the smoke and the sweat. After the noise, there would be love. Dino began to feel better.
‘Perhaps it’d be better to just wait out here until it gets going,’ suggested Jackie, but Dino was anxious to watch the agony of his party’s birth pangs.
By ten, he was in despair. He was in the kitchen talking to Jackie and Sue and pretending to be cool when two things happened. The music went off. There was a long, loud silence in which the doorbell rang.
Dino ran excitedly down the hall, looked out of the window and saw about six thousand people clutching bottles, standing there like snowmen outside an eerily silent door.
‘Wait! Wait!’ he hissed. ‘Don’t let them in …’ He burst into the front room. The hardcore were all in there dancing like maniacs to no music.
‘What’s this, you freaks?’ he screamed. ‘What are you on?’
‘Are you deaf?’ sneered Snoops. Everyone started to make out that the CD player was on full blast and that Dino was the only one who couldn’t hear it, yelling things at one another and pretending they could hardly make it out. And – this shows what a state Dino was in – for a second or two he was ready to believe them.
‘Huh?’ he said. ‘Huh?’ and he was staring at the player trying to work out how come he could hear
them and not it. They all hooted at him like baboons and began pogoing to no noise again. Dino blushed his deepest, most crimson red. Behind him, someone opened the door and a long queue of people came in. Two or three of them stood and stared in amazement at the collection of freaks head-banging to the silence. Outside in the corridor, Dino could hear the others, their voices booming and squeaking in an embarrassed way in the silent house.
One look at the happy little faces of his friends proved anything he wanted to know. They were already off their heads. Useless! He’d issued instructions not to Not to NOT TO before the thing was going, but here they were, peaking like Linford Christie already.
‘Can’t anyone here even think?’ he groaned. Then Fasil walked in, strutting about like he was the only one with a clue in the world and pressed the button. A deafening soup of thick, chunky noise hollered out. At last! Dino poked his head out down the corridor. Everyone was standing still, heads turned to the opened door that was suddenly bellowing music at them.
‘Drink, drink, drink!’ he instructed them. If he got them drunk or stoned or something no one would even know whether they were having a good time or not. He herded them along to the kitchen and as soon as he was wedged into the corridor, someone turned the music up. It was so loud he couldn’t talk to his guests even a hallway and a room away. The bastards! His own mates! They’d reached two o’clock in the morning while everyone else was still at 5 p.m. Dino was furious. The crowd was so thick in the hallway he couldn’t even get back to the dance room without a fight. It was awful. Hang your coats there, no, put them in the boxroom, drinks, smoke in the garden please. He was turning into someone’s mother, for God’s sake! People were milling about in little groups not knowing what to do, it was pathetic. He felt like screaming at them, What’s wrong with you, don’t you know how to have a good time? Do you need lessons?
Doing It Page 5
