by Kaye Draper
Luca’s tone softened, but there was still an edge of tension there. It was probably awkward to talk about your brother's love life, particularly when it pertained to your extremely straight brother and another guy, who was actually a girl…kind of, and a member of your band. “Look Grey, I have to tell you something. I--”
Grey shook his head and reached for the radio dial. “I don’t want to hear it,” he said, turning up the volume. He’d rather they not ruin their friendship by analyzing Grey’s ridiculous feelings just now, and that was exactly what would happen if Luca kept pushing it. Because Grey was getting tired of lying to him.
Luca’s grip was white knuckled on the steering wheel, but he sighed and let it go when Grey started singing—very loudly and off-key—to the painfully ironic Prince song Kiss.
Chapter 23
Arianna pulled her power around her like a cloak, a barely audible hum passing her lips as she glided toward the bar. She had seen a pretty blond on the island not long ago. His brown eyes had looked quite desperate. She’d overheard others saying he was a singer—nothing to match her talent, of course, but she did enjoy a nice male voice. Maybe she could train him to sing for her like a pretty little bird.
She closed her eyes and let her power radiate along the bar. There he was. Anger and frustration radiated off him in waves. This was going to be almost too easy. She sidled up to him and wrapped her hand around his untouched drink. His eyes traveled over her, taking in her ethereal beauty as she lifted the glass and drained it. Whisky, and not the expensive stuff she was used to.
She didn’t let him see her grimace. She had hoped he would have better taste. But he was young. He could be trained. All men were trainable. Just like puppies.
She set the glass down. “Be my slave,” she purred, catching and holding his eyes. The anger that he had worn earlier melted into a dreamy expression. They were so easy to control when they were emotionally unstable.
“I’m yours,” he whispered.
She smiled, pleased with her power.
“Do your job well, slave, and I’ll give you a reward,” she said, like a magnanimous goddess bestowing a gift on the poor masses. “What is your deepest desire?”
He sighed, reaching out to stroke her flaxen hair. She allowed it, this once. “I want off this god damned island,” he said in a voice devoid of any strong emotion.
She smiled into his glazed brown eyes. “Earn it.”
Chapter 24
Luca looked up as Grey wandered into the trailer's cozy kitchen area, his wide green eyes half-lidded with sleep and his brown curls rumpled in a way that made him look younger than he was. Luca had woken him, not realizing until too late that the singer had pulled an all-nighter getting ready for midterms.
Grey cleared his throat. His smooth baritone was a notch lower than usual, sultry with the fog of sleep. “Hey.”
He switched on the miniscule TV set that was stuffed between the coffee maker and a clunky old microwave from the 90’s. Luca watched the singer as he scratched his stomach, his t-shirt riding up to reveal smooth, golden skin over a set of washboard abs. Luca's eyes were drawn to the groove of soft skin at his hipbones. Grey had garnered quite a fan base of screaming tourists, even before their manager had started playing up his prettiness. If they ever saw him shirtless, they’d probably faint.
Luca wondered what it would feel like to run his hands over that smooth skin, to trace his fingers along that cut area from his hip to where it dipped below his waistband. He licked his lips, his mouth suddenly gone dry. He was going insane, clearly. I don’t like men. I’ve never been attracted to a man in my life! But it was no use. The mantra had started to sound ridiculous weeks ago. At this point it was just a flat-out lie.
The news anchor on the TV was babbling on about the unseasonably cold weather and how it was causing sea animals to abandon the area. Luca tried to focus his attention on that, and not on wondering if Grey’s eyes went all half-lidded like that when he was in the throes of passion. He failed miserably.
“Did you sleep okay?” Luca blurted, cursing himself for sounding like an idiot.
“Yeah.” Grey didn’t seem to notice Luca’s discomfort. He stretched up on his tiptoes to reach a coffee mug out of the cupboard, his t-shirt pulling taut across his wide shoulders. Luca went to help him, standing too close as he reached over the other guy’s head, secretly reveling in the brush of Grey’s body against his.
Grey turned to him in surprise, and Luca was startled to see a faint blush staining the shorter man’s cheeks.
“Thanks.” Grey took the cup, but Luca didn’t move away immediately. He stood staring down at Grey’s lips, wondering what he would do if Luca leaned in for a kiss, maybe lifted Grey up onto the countertop and….
Luca fisted his hands at his sides and stepped away. Looking for something to do, he opened the fridge. “You want creamer?”
“Hmm?” Grey looked up from his examination of the coffee mug, which he had been turning around and around in his hands as if he wasn’t really seeing it.
Luca ran a hand through his hair, then grabbed the creamer and plopped it down onto the counter. Grey was obviously thinking of Cameron. He had to be. That bemused expression, the pink cheeks, and that little hint of a smile that flitted about the corners of his mouth—they certainly weren’t for Luca.
Luca was nothing more than a friend. A chum who was in on Grey’s secrets. Even that time at the dojo, when Luca had temporarily lost his freaking mind—Grey had brushed it off by the next day. Besides, Luca knew all too well what happened when one band member started lusting after another. Steffen was a good example of what not to do. And Cam…he shoved down the bitter jealousy that raised its head when he thought of how well Grey and Cameron were getting along these days. I don’t even like men, Luca reminded himself. But his body was well on its way to overriding his brain. His thoughts were jumbled. He was a damned mess. “Let’s go out tonight,” he said desperately.
Grey’s wide green eyes met his. “Uh, okay. Where?”
Luca looked away, grabbing a coffee mug of his own to keep from looking into those damned peridot pools. “Downtown. We’ll go to The Anchor, invite Cameron and the rest of the guys.” He cleared his throat and finally met Grey’s eyes. “I’m getting sick of this whole Cameron thing—it’s drawn out forever. I think it’s time you just come out with it and let him know how you feel, don’t you?”
Grey stared down into his coffee cup, his cheeks flexing as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. Gods, how could the guy be so nervous? He was so brash with everything else, but when it came to his love life, he was always hesitating. It made Luca itch to show him what decisiveness was.
“Sure,” Grey said finally, giving a shaky exhale. He lifted his eyes to Luca’s, his expression hesitant and unsure. “If you think I should?”
Luca wanted to punch something. Instead he smiled as calmly as possible and ruffled Grey’s hair like a child. “Of course. It's what you’ve always wanted, right?”
Chapter 25
Grey paced along the brick pavers that lined the sidewalk outside The Anchor. This had been, without a doubt, the most awkward evening of his life. He knew Luca was right. If Grey was going to pursue Cameron, then he needed to just man up already. The problem was, he had absolutely no intention of pursuing Cameron, he was just too chicken shit to tell Luca that…to remove that little bit of protective barrier between Grey and his stupid, dangerous thoughts about his bandmate.
At first, it had seemed like a good idea, like maybe he could reconcile both versions of himself if he could only get Cameron’s attention. But that idea had left him long ago. Now he only put up with Cameron so Luca would feel comfortable around him. So he wouldn’t see what was really on his mind.
But apparently, Luca was getting tired of playing matchmaker. The guitarist been in a foul mood all night, alternately sarcastic and snappish. Finally, fed up with Luca’s mood swings, Grey had dragged Cameron out here into the street to come
clean. After all, he felt like by being friends with the guy just to get closer to his brother, he was just using him. Since he had intended to do the same to Luca at first, the irony was not lost on him.
Cameron glanced at Grey. The streetlight glinted in his blue eyes, turning them to gold as the jock tried to process what he'd just heard. Grey had told him everything. How he’d been a girl with a crush. How Luca was trying to be nice, encouraging him to let Cameron know about his feelings. His breath rose up in white puffs in the frigid night air. “So…you’re, uh gay?”
Grey sighed. He was sick of this whole mess. “Yes...not really...no?”
Cameron's brow furrowed. Only he could make dumb look cute. Grey wanted to reach over and smooth out his brow. But Cameron would probably pull away, misinterpret the gesture. It was too much. For years Grey had a thing for Cameron but was too embarrassed to tell him. Now...all of the sudden, he didn’t much care.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not going to jump you. I just told you, I don’t feel that way about you anymore…in fact, I haven’t for a long time now.”
Cameron snorted and ran a hand though his blond hair. “You and Luca really are a pair. He’s been trying to set me up this whole time….” His voice carried a hint of amusement. “And you’re like, what? A girl trapped in a guy’s body?” As if he still couldn’t quite wrap his head around Grey being a woman.
“You think that’s funny?” Something in Grey snapped. He grabbed Cameron’s wrist and the bigger guy spun, tripping. Grey might be small, but he was stronger than any girl. Cameron was too surprised to fight back. Grey used his body to press the larger man up against the rough brick wall. His hands slipped behind Cameron's head, pulling him down. He kissed Cameron with everything he had, all the rage, the confusion, the pent-up frustration inside him pouring out. Maybe he would freak the jock out so much he’d run away. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of befriending him under false pretenses. Grey would just be one more disgusting morph to him.
Cameron froze, then for a brief moment his body relaxed against Grey’s—not kissing him back, but not fighting for dear life either. Grey laughed bitterly, breaking away. “Do I look like a girl to you? Did that feel like kissing a girl? What man could love me now?” It was a rhetorical question, but some part of him hoped for an answer all the same.
“Dude. That was sick.” Cameron wiped the back of his hand across his mouth.
Grey stood there panting, the blood pounding in his head. “Sorry. I just….” He laughed. “I kind of wanted to know what you’d do.”
Cameron’s color was high, but he snorted with amusement. “Look, you’re not the only gay guy in the world. I mean…I’m not. But you do you, dude.”
Grey’s chest hurt. A short laugh escaped him. This was Cameron was trying to be encouraging. “Okay. But what about a gay guy falling for a guy who’s been straight all his life? You would never go for it, right? Even if you liked the guy alright otherwise, it would just be too weird. Kissing me was gross, right?”
Cameron tilted his head, his typically dense expression melting away to reveal a shocking amount of intelligence. “First off, kissing you was like kissing my brother. And secondly…are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?”
Grey turned away. “What? I’m just rambling, that’s all.”
Cameron stuffed his hands in his pockets and said possibly the deepest thing Grey had ever heard him say. “You can’t assume you know someone else’s heart. Luca’s been doing that with you this entire time and look how that turned out.”
Grey spun to face him, a dawning horror creeping through his being at the subtle, but starling shift in Cameron’s voice. “Who are you?”
Cameron winked at him and tilted his head back toward the bar. “I’m that guy’s twin, remember?” He tapped his head with a finger. “I can’t be that stupid.”
Grey groaned. He’d thought he was spilling his feelings to someone too dense to really get it. A sort of alpha male idiot sounding board. But he’d been wrong. Cameron wasn’t as dumb as he acted. It was all just some weird front, probably to let him blend in with is cronies and fit in somewhere on this fucking island prison.
Grey swore he would never drink again for as long as he lived. His head pounded, and his chest ached.
“Don’t tell him,” Grey pleaded. “I can’t…I just need him too much to screw it up.”
He didn’t know what he was saying. What he was expecting. Cameron’s help, maybe? He should have just kept his mouth shut. He should be happy just to be Luca’s friend. This whole thing was so damned stupid.
But acknowledging his feelings, even a little bit, had a freeing affect. Holding Cameron in his arms, he had felt curiously…empty. He wasn’t Grace Hawthorne anymore. She was completely gone. And now someone knew all his twisted-up secrets. Well…someone besides Abbie. Someone who was a lot more likely to take them seriously.
When he got home, Grey collapsed face first on his bed and slept like the dead, spiraling into dreams of silky black hair and piercing blue eyes that glared at him with painful accusation.
*****
Grey woke up to the blaring of the alarm clock. Moaning, he threw an arm over his eyes. How much did he drink last night? His head ached, and he had a serious case of morning wood. He sat up and stared down at the tent in his shorts. He tried to forget the blue eyes that had haunted his dreams, cursing his freakish body for the millionth time.
“Ah, fuck it.” Maybe he could stop obsessing if he just found some release.
Grey leaned back against the headboard and slipped his hand inside his boxers, drawing out his throbbing cock. He gripped the thick shaft of The Cosmic Joke and stroked upward in a slow, firm motion, his eyes dropping closed as his imagination picked up where his disjointed dreams had left off. It was fine. No one had to know what went on in the dark recesses of his twisted, hormonal mind.
He slid his hand down, pulling his foreskin back in a long, slow glide. Fuck, that had been an awkward conversation to have with his dad the day he woke up from The Change.
Grace had been up close and personal with exactly one dick, and it had been a brief and unremarkable encounter. So Grey’s giant, uncut cock had been a shock in more ways than one. He distinctly remembered frantically asking his dad “What’s wrong with it? Why does it look like that?”
Apparently, the whole genetic potential thing did not account for the weird local custom of circumcision.
Now, Grey was glad his male body came unaltered. It sure as hell made jacking off a lot easier, thanks to the natural lubrication and glide of his foreskin. No lotion or lube required. The images that had assailed him in his dreams flickered behind his closed eyelids and he let out a strained breath as he imagined it was Luca’s graceful hand wrapped around his cock.
Grey tried to resist all the other delightful images his mind wanted to feed him. But…well, he was going to hell already, might as well go out with a bang. No one had to know if he secretly imagined Ethan’s sweet lips on his, or Mat sinking to his knees and giving Grey one of those broody smirks before he started sucking his dick.
It really didn’t take long after that. Grey’s body bowed, his back arching as he came harder than he’d ever come before. God. There was something really wrong with his brain.
He let himself enjoy a couple minutes of blissed-out, boneless relief. It was fine to have fantasies, right? Everyone probably did. It didn’t mean anything. He let himself just be amused at his weirdness. But as he sat up and cleaned himself up enough to head to the shower, his mind started whirling again. He remembered the night before, and how he had basically attacked Cameron. His cheeks flamed and he rubbed his hand over his face, trying to remove the memory of Cameron’s lips on his own. Okay, that was not part of the fantasy and never would be. Ugh.
Oh God, what would Luca think if Cameron opened his big mouth and told Luca what Grey had said?
He sighed and headed for the shower. At least the stress was over
. No more waiting and wondering and pining away, thinking that somehow someone might accept him. It was pretty clear that was never going to happen. And he had to wonder…maybe this was a chance to change. Maybe being attracted to men was all just a habit, something from his old life that he’d clung to simply because it was how things were supposed to be—how things used to be. Maybe he should watch some lesbian porn or something, so he’d dream of girls next time. He tried to think of boobs for the next half hour.
When he got to the park where they were supposed to meet up, the band was hanging around a couple of picnic tables. They were supposed to be deciding if they could pull off a performance in the bandshell before it got much more frigid outside. Grey dropped his messenger bag on the ground and slumped into his seat.
Ethan punched him on the arm and plastered a fake leer on his face. “So, what happened last night? You went outside with Cameron, then you just disappeared.”
Grey put his head on his folded arms and moaned. Ethan had caught on to his sexual preferences too. Just great.
“That bad huh?” Ethan said, not an ounce of sympathy in his voice. “Darn.” Apparently, he didn’t approve of Grey’s choice in men. Which was just…huh.
Grey could feel eyes on the back of his head. He knew it was Luca without even looking. Had Cameron told him what happened? Probably not. The jock would be too mortified to tell anyone that he'd kissed a guy. Wouldn’t he? But Grey still couldn’t face Luca. He hunched into his jacket and wished he was invisible. It was supposed to be warm today, but the sun was failing, and the breeze had a biting chill to it. The clouds rolling in almost looked like snow. It fit Grey’s mood.
Matheus ruffled Grey’s hair, a shocking gesture from the stand-offish bassist. “Aww…and people call me broody. Don’t take it too personally,” he said, assuming Grey had been rejected. “Cam’s just not smart enough to know what he’s missing. Too many knocks to the head out on the football field. Besides….” He winked at Grey. “You can do way better.”
