Whirl

by M, Jessie

  I take a quick sip of my tea and rip the envelope open. I start reading with a smile on my face. It’s so sweet. But I soon realise, this is not from Alex. It’s from Sam. It sends shivers up and down my spine. Unpleasant ones.

  “From the first moment I saw you I knew you were meant for me. You are so beautiful. Like an angel. I can’t stop thinking about you. The feel of your body, your hair in my hands, the way you kissed me. I want us to leave this place. To go away somewhere. You don’t need him. He’s not good for you. He’s too serious. I can give you what you need. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more. I’m waiting until the time is right. We’ll be together soon. Then you can love me like I love you. Sam xxxxxxxxxx”

  I read it again and again in disbelief and then place it back in it’s envelope with shaking hands and a fast beating heart. I put it away under my bed in my suitcase. I’m not sure what to do about it yet. I’ll think on it for a while.

  That evening I’m finally ready after a lot of fiddling around getting my pinned up hairstyle to look just so. I smooth my posh dress for the umpteenth time in the last minute. I’m done. Nothing to do but sit and wait. Thankfully, he isn’t long in coming. I open the door with baited breath and gaze at the vision of male perfection in front of me.

  Oh heavenly man, let me eat you, every single sexy piece...

  He is leaning against the door post wearing a mid grey coloured suit, a white shirt and navy and white pinstripe tie. A wave of divine aftershave knocks my brain for six. I gaze at his smooth, clean shaven cheeks with a watering mouth. His mouth forms into a knowing smile at my expression of lust filled adoration.

  “Mmmm, hello you...” I murmur.

  His eyes take me in slowly, raking me up and down.

  “Lex, you look beautiful. Your hair... and that dress... It suits you perfectly,” He sighs and I glow all over at the compliments. A bunch of pale pink flowers appear magically from behind his back.

  “Oh Alex. Thank you. They’re lovely.” I give him a long sexy kiss on the doorstep. “And you look gorgeous. More handsome than ever, Mister.” I let him inside to wait for a moment while I put the flowers in water. Toni and Bren are out for dinner. I’m so tempted to take him upstairs and do things to him, but no, I won’t... There’s plenty of time for that later and all day tomorrow. I turn with the flowers in a vase to find him standing behind me with Joey in his hands. He is stroking the back of his ears and Joey is purring loudly. He looks so adorable holding the little cat. I almost swoon on the spot.

  “He likes you by the sound of it.”

  “He’s a cute little guy”

  “Watch his claws, he’s a bad scratcher.”

  “That’s the trouble with innocent looking things. You never know what they’re capable of.”

  “Are we talking about cats or something else?”

  “People, the world, life...”

  “What d’you mean Alex....?”

  “Kids with grenade launchers, sweet young girls with rifles under their robes... That’s just the start of it. I lost some good friends, close friends. It was so hard covering and protecting, impossible at times. And the guilt is even worse. Was there something I could have done to save them? I’m still here and they aren’t, but why? Who decides this? Life is so precious Lex. It’s not until you’ve been in that desperate a situation that you begin to realise how hard you should work at things. Life and love, I mean.”

  “Oh...” It’s the first time Alex has mentioned any real details about his tour in Afghanistan. This is a real shocker. A revelation. He’s lost friends. He feels survivor guilt. He is passionate about living and loving. My heart goes out to him.

  He puts the cat down gently on the floor and pets him one last time.

  “Ready?”

  His composure regained, he stands up and smiles widely, beautifully. My heart flutters even more.

  Fifteen minutes later we make our way inside Addisons. It’s a fabulous restaurant. We sit outside on the terrace in the warm evening air and spend some time ordering and choosing our drinks. I look at him across the table with my heart in my mouth. He places his hand over mine and rubs me with his thumb.

  “You really don’t have to impress me all the time, you know,” I say honestly. But oh boy, am I enjoying being impressed tonight.

  “I know, I’m trying to pack a lot into the short time I have with you, that’s all.”

  “I’m happy to stay at home with spaghetti and supermarket sauce, really I am.”

  “That’s next week.”

  “Well, I’m looking forward to it. Not that I don’t love being wined and dined now and then, like this. It’s really special.”

  “How am I doing so far anyway?”

  “You’ve earned a triple A star for effort, style and seduction techniques. The highest rating ever.”

  “It’s nice to know my efforts are appreciated.” I love the lazy grin that has appeared on his face. “Lex, d’you think you can visit again later this year?” His eyes search mine.

  “I don’t think so. I can’t. I only have a few days holiday left at work. Plus my finances aren’t in hot shape. I’d love to come back in a few months, obviously. But I just can’t see it happening.” Or next year either...

  “I’m going to miss you.” I’m sinking into his bright eyes and starting to well up. I take a gulp and look away for a moment.

  “Can’t you fly over to see me?”

  “Not for quite a while, I’m afraid. I’ve just had a long period of leave and the whole division has just been put on alert two days ago with the latest Middle East crisis. But we’ve been told that before and nothing’s happened.”

  “So we’ll be stuck on the opposite sides of the planet then, unless I leave my job and win the lottery.” I try to joke, but it doesn’t sound funny.

  “We’ll work something out.”

  The logical side of my brain tells me I should try to put things in perspective. We’re in danger of running away with ourselves.

  “Alex, this is supposed to be a short term thing. Let’s not try and make more out of it just yet. We’ve only known each other for a week.” Although these are the plain facts of our situation, I’m not convincing myself at all. Saying this seems to set him off, full flow.

  “I think we both know it’s more than that. And time is irrelevant. You can’t dictate the speed at which your feelings develop.” I take a gulp, a little scared of where this conversation is going.

  “What feelings Alex...?” My stomach is in knots. He looks directly at me.

  “The thought of you going home to the UK hurts. The thought of not seeing you, talking to you, and touching you for months is unbearable. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. You know very well what I’m saying because I’m quite sure you feel the same.” I do. And it is unbearable and very, very upsetting... I’ve been trying to push it to the back of my mind. I’m suddenly tipping over the edge with my feelings. I’ve let them loose.

  “Oh Alex, please don’t...” I choke. Tears are threatening again. I desperately try to fight them back.

  “I want you to stay. Here, with me,” His voice catches with emotion.

  “Stop! Don’t say another word.” I’m going to cry my eyes out any second. I swallow over and over and look down at my hands.

  “There’s a lot more I want to say, but not here.”

  The rest of the meal is strained. We eat our gorgeous food, but it’s a waste of money. I’ve lost my appetite and my light-hearted fun filled mood completely. The enjoyment factor of our special posh evening out has gone up in flames. All I can think about is our last day together, having to say goodbye and the idea of it is gut wrenching.

  We look at each other silently for long periods of time. Deep and serious looks. My mouth is so dry and my stomach is clenching up tight and churning. I’m starting to feel quite sick. I know this feeling well, but never has it been quite so intense as this. I’ve fallen hard. Harder than I’ve ever fallen before.

  W
e drive back to Cardiff in a sombre and quiet mood.

  “D’you want to go home Lex?” He asks me gently.

  “No, of course not. I want to go to your place.”

  “I’m warning you, it’ll probably get heavy again.”

  “I’m sure I can handle it.”

  A few minutes later he unlocks his door and ushers me inside. He leads me to the sofa, takes off his jacket and shoes. I take off mine and sit back in the corner of the sofa feeling awkward, my nerves on edge.

  “Well, the food was nice...” He says with a wry smile.

  “It was. Thank you for taking me. It was a really beautiful restaurant. Perhaps we can go again.”

  “I spoiled it, didn’t I? I should have waited a while.”

  “Yes, you should have.”

  “Come here.” He holds out his hand and I take it moving over on my knees towards him. I sit on his lap and he kisses me with a wild passion. As the heat rises inside of me, my heart swells and my mind reels with the strength of my feelings. “I want to be with you all the time. You make me feel so good.”

  “It’s not a one way thing Alex. I want to be with you too. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone before.” He picks up my hand and kisses it. My stomach is in my mouth as he looks at me.

  He has my full undivided attention.

  “This has all happened so fast between us.”

  “Yeah, I know. My head’s in a spin.” I manage a small smile. He tips up my chin and kisses me softly.

  “You know, don’t you? That I love you?” My heart pounds inside me. He loves me... Oh my God... He loves me...

  “I love you too, Alex.” My heart thumps even more as I tell him. I’m buzzing with wild excitement. Thrilled to pieces. His face breaks into a big smile and so does mine.

  “That’s a relief. I thought I was going to have to work a lot harder at being loveable and irresistible.”

  “Are you joking? You’re the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  We sit staring, silently, breathing heavily. And then I’m in his arms, tightly pressed against him as he rains kisses all over my face. He pushes me back on the sofa, and we're passionately entwined, legs and arms wrapped around one another.

  “I need you Lex.”

  “Will all night and all day do?”

  “No, much more... How about forever?”

  Chapter 5

  I sit at the table Monday evening doing my sewing, but I’m too excited in my current state of mind to concentrate. I put it away in its bag as Toni arrives in the room with our dinner. Bren’s on late shift so we’re on our own. She sits opposite me eating.

  “I’m going out for dinner for my birthday at a seafood restaurant I’ve been meaning to try for ages. Would you like to bring Alex? Frankie is bringing Leanne. We can go down to the bar afterwards and have a mini party.”

  “That sounds cool. On Wednesday evening, I presume?”

  “Yeah. I’ve got my birthday and Thursday off work. I thought I could tempt you out somewhere. If you’re not otherwise engaged?”

  “I’ve nothing planned, no. What d’you want to do?”

  “On my birthday I’m having a long lazy lie-in and then a TV day. There’s a few things I want to catch up on. But on Thursday we could do another movie and get some things for the yard. It’s a little empty out there.”

  “Suits me. I love trawling around Home Depot or Garden World or whatever.”

  “Right. Ask Alex if he can make it, don’t forget.”

  I text him straight away and get a reply a little later saying that’s fine, he’d love to.

  “Are you okay Lex?” Toni looks at me quizzically.

  “Yes, why?”

  “You seem jittery and you’re all flushed.”

  “Hmmm, yeah... I’m just a little too loved up to think straight.”

  “Well don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “We’re both officially loved up, not just me.”

  “What does that mean exactly?”

  “He started it. It was our great love declaration last night.”

  “No... Really?”

  “Yes and I don’t know how we’re playing it yet. I can’t come here again because of money and work and he can’t visit me because of the yellow alert at the base.”

  “I know the feeling. It was dreadful when I started seeing Bren. All that coming and going for just a couple of days together when he was allowed out. Do you remember, we used to meet up in New York mostly? It was roughly half way.”

  “Maybe we can do that when he’s out of alert zone.”

  “I hope it works out for you Lex. I really do.”

  “God, so do I. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”

  “I suppose I’d better tell Mariel he’s taken then, shall I?”

  “Oh yeah, about that... I asked him about her and he says he’s never been interested in seeing her seriously. He seems to think she knows that.”

  “Perhaps she does know but accepting and hoping are something else entirely, aren’t they?”

  * * *

  I’m not seeing Alex until the Wednesday night birthday dinner as he’s working long shifts. I feel at a loose end on Tuesday. No one is home except Joey and me. I’ve cuddled the cat quite a lot this morning for some company.

  I do some housework for Toni and Brendan. Watering the flowers, cleaning the two bathrooms, and doing the ironing. As I work I’m feeling a little guilty inside about my current state of mind. I’ve come to visit my sister and all I want to do is see Alex. A man I’d never heard of until a week ago. I’m sure Toni doesn’t really mind and that she understands. She couldn’t get any time off work to spend with me anyway, except the two days for her birthday this week, as they’re short staffed at the insurance company. It’s the holiday season after all. It’s not as if she’s sitting in all day every day on her own, wondering what to do with herself. Monday was the only day she’s been alone and I think she actually enjoyed it. In fact she went out all day with a friend of hers. That fact assuages my guilt a little.

  I finish wrapping the presents I have bought for her. Her Pandora charms, her favourite brand of Clinique make up and some expensive shower and bath gels to go with the perfume I bought her already. I sign the card and put all the gifts away in a bag in my suitcase. Brendan has arranged a chocolate birthday cake for us to take to the restaurant. I think we’re all set for the birthday bash. I want Toni to have a good day, to cheer her up after her most recent disappointment following the thirteen others she’s had to deal with.

  I lie back on the bed with my phone and play about on Facebook for a while, uploading photos and looking at my messages and updates. Then I let my mum know all is well. I haven’t told her about Alex. I’ll leave that for a while and see how things go.

  I text Kelly.

  “The fling has turned into the big L. For both of us.”

  It’s after 9pm in the UK. I expect she’ll reply soon, unless she’s busy “painting” with James.

  I read through Alex’s last two unanswered messages with a smile.

  “I love your smile. And your ass!”

  I’m not sure that needs an answer but I send one anyway.

  “Your ass makes me smile big time baby :) :)”

  And the other one deserves a touch more humour.

  “I’ve something special planned for this Friday. You’ll need to wear something warm.”

  “I’ve got a fur trimmed bikini and fluffy slippers ;) ”

  I can’t help it. I love a good old jokey text chat.

  I lay there for a while longer, staring up at the ceiling daydreaming. I wonder how things are going to go with Alex and myself. It could all fizzle out in a few months, like the others have done. I get the feeling that it won’t, but who knows? When the pressures of life and a long distance romance take their toll, and the sex becomes less frantic, desperate and urgent, it could all go to pieces. I stop my mind going there. I know it’s my previous bad experie
nces that are making me think like this. I must get out of this rut in my mind and start to think positively.

  I read his message about my ass again and smile widely. He does have his light side. I’m seeing it more and more lately. I love our long sessions where we talk for hours about nothing much in between the rampant sweaty action. I’ve never been able to ramble on so easily with anyone as I do with him. He’s even begun to understand my jokes as well. I feel a wave of love and adoration sweep through me. I’m so looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I’ll be staying at his after our night out and he’s dropping me back here early Thursday on the way to the base.

  As I stare at his message I get another. I know straight away it’s Sam again. I go cold all over. This one really does make me feel worried. I should have blocked his number.

  “Look outside.”

  He seems to know I’m in here. I wonder if he knows I’m alone? He probably does as both the cars are gone. I nervously go to the window and peek outside at the street. I can’t believe what I see. The outline of a massive heart is spray painted on the empty light coloured driveway in bright red paint and there’s a ton of red roses strewn across it. Sam is sitting on his bike at the end of driveway. He is looking up at my window. I know he’s seen me. I move to stand in full view and call him.

  “I hope you’ve got some paint remover because Bren and Toni are going to go ape-shit otherwise.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Go away and leave me alone. I love Alex.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “Look Sam. Let me spell it out for you again. We are NOT getting together. I’m sorry I led you on. It was just a heated kiss, that’s all. There’s nothing more to be said.”

  “I don’t give up that easily. See you soon beautiful. I’ll be waiting. Love you.”

  He ends the call, revs up his bike, and roars away down the street. My God, he’s completely obsessed. Stalker crazy. God knows what he’s going to do.