“Adam… I love you.” Oh God, that sets me off, I fumble for tissues and wipe my eyes. Kate looks away but I see her shoulders shuddering. I sit down and take his hand. “Adam…” Oh God, what do I say? There is so much to say, but. “Do you think he can hear us?”
The nurse looks up from her clipboard. “I like to think they can.”
“How long will he stay this way?” Her look tells me all I need to know, the way she breaks her eye contact, the gentle cough. She puts down the clipboard.
“Be strong, your brother has been through a lot. The extreme cold shut down his metabolism. In a way, it was that which saved his life, it stopped some more serious damage, however, his heart had been stopped for some time, his brain and organs were starved of oxygen, that is why he’s in this state now. This is his bodies way of starting the recovery process. Talk to him, hold his hand, make sure he knows that you’re here with him.”
“Will he…” The nurse cut me short.
“Let’s take each day as it comes. It’s hard to tell what will happen. We understand that your life has to go on, but spend what time you can with Adam. Just know that we will always be here for him and you are welcome to come and go as you please.”
After another hour we left, thanking the nurses, I wasn’t ready to go back straight away so we stepped into the coffee shop in the hospital lobby. I sat opposite Kate who was toying with her tea, dipping the spoon into the now lukewarm liquid. She was looking tired and drawn, after all, she had been through I was amazed that she was still going.
“Part of me wishes he’d died.”
I looked up shocked. Kate was staring into the middle distance.
“I mean, what if he never wakes up, or what if he’s not… Well, what if he isn’t him any more… He might be in pain, what if he is suffering and he can’t tell us. Oh God Amanda, what do we do?”
I stood up, moving to sit on the bench seat beside her. “Come on… He’s a fighter, he’ll get through this.”
“You can’t say that! What do we know, even the doctor’s don’t know. After all, he’s been through. This is just so unfair. Why couldn’t it be me there? He doesn’t deserve this.”
I let her babble and rant, my arm around her shoulders trying to comfort her. I knew what the doctors had told me, that Adam had given up his coat for Kate and, she wouldn’t have survived the extreme cold without it. Now he was laying silently in a hospital bed, machines breathing for him, maybe Kate was right. This was no life for him. I put the thought from my mind and hugged her even tighter.
***
I was sitting at the kitchen table, Kate and Amanda were looking at me, I could see their mouths moving but there was no sound. Was this some game they were playing? I looked closely, trying to lip-read what they were saying but I was unable to. I shook my head. They looked so sad. I wanted to tell them that everything would be alright, but every time I tried to move there was a great weight on my body. It was impossible to move my limbs against the pressure. I tried and tried with all my might but it was to no avail.
I surveyed my surroundings, the familiar kitchen, the dripping tap and the clock which ticked loudly. But there was no tick, the clock stopped with the second hand still. The tap had a drop of water hanging as if it was ready to fall but there was no change.
I yelled, shouting until I was hoarse, but nothing I could do seemed to get a reaction from the others in the room. I was trapped and helpless.
***
“Hello…” Kate gulped as she took Adam’s hand. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I miss you. I want to thank you for saving my life. Hell, I just want to hug you and snuggle on the sofa in front of the fire. I’m lonely, and Adam, I’m scared. I’ve always been so strong, but now I don’t want to carry on without you. Please come back to me.” She took a deep breath. “Right, sorry, I’m being all maudlin. Judith was riding out today and saw some deer in the forest…”
I don’t think she thinks I can hear her. I so desperately want to take her hand, to tell her it’s all going to be okay but I can’t seem to move. I love hearing the stories about the horses and the yard, I so enjoy the normality. And Kate becomes so much more animated, she isn’t concentrating on herself and how sad she is. Oh, Kate, I love you… I’ll fight this, I’ll come back to you.
***
“You were always a lazy git!” Annie laughs, but it sounds forced, false. “No… No, you weren’t, you always worked harder than me… Okay, sorry. Pull yourself together Ann, don’t be stupid. They’re all worried about you. No one is eating, mum is making food for Kate and Amanda, but they just pick at it and say they’re not hungry. I don’t think you know how important you are to all of them. Come home now… Please.”
***
“Hi, little brother… Shit, I’m sorry I dragged you into this bloody mess. God, I shouldn’t have written to you. If I hadn’t you would have carried on with what you were doing and wouldn’t be lying here in this stupid hospital bed. I never intended this to happen. I made some stupid mistakes, I guess you can’t stop who you fall in love with. And, talking about that, Kate is pining for you. If you won’t wake up for me, do it for her.”
“This is crazy eh… What a life we’ve had. You could say it’s full of adventure, but it just feels like a big pile of hurt. I just want to be normal. I want to settle down, have an ordinary life, be a riding instructor, teach people all day and come home, dusty and exhausted to a little house and maybe a dog. Nothing more, I don’t want money, or fame or even love. I would swap it all for you and a normal, boring life.”
***
“Listen to me, Adam… They need you. Kate and your sister need you. Annie and I need you. Please, come back to them.”
***
At the kitchen table, alone. The others had gone and it was becoming dark outside. I stood up, surprising myself that I could move. I walked towards the window, tiny baby steps and it felt like hours before I could lean on the kitchen sink and look into the dusk beyond.
It was a beautiful sunset.
***
The movement woke me from my deep sleep. I had been in the chair for hours, as I had been every night. I had slept in the chair beside Adam’s bed holding his hand for over a week now and would continue to do so for as long as it took.
I was suddenly awake. Had I dreamed it, did I feel some change in his condition, a tiny twitch. “Adam?” Again, almost imperceptible but there was something. “Oh my God!” I stood up quickly grabbing for the call button.
***
“We mustn’t get our hopes up. The movement may be nothing, there’s a chance it’s something involuntary. So please don’t think that this will be it over just like that.”
“It will be…” Amanda faced up to the consultant. I dragged her back, mouthing an apology. “He will come back to us.”
The rhythmic sound of the ventilator keeping him breathing, the steady beep of the heart monitor. It remained unchanged. Amanda and I sat beside him, we had sat there since that night.
***
“It’s time…” I didn’t recognise the voice. “Hello, you don’t know me. I knew your sister, she needs you. It’s your time Adam.”
“Who are you?”
“Anne, from London, say ‘Hi’ to Mandy, she was always amazing, she was so hurt and, really it was my fault. But, enough of my regrets, it’s too late for them now. Back to you. You’re ready, go on, put them out of their misery. As I said, it’s time.”
***
“Hello, Adam…” The nurse checked the various figures from the machines keeping him alive. “Kate and your sister are here.” There was a sudden change in the rate of the heart monitor. “Oh hello?… Adam, can you hear me?”
I was sat up by now, gripping hold of his hand. His heart rate had risen, it had been the same, rhythmic beep for weeks, now the tone was faster. “Adam…” There was a movement, I squealed. “Oh, God Adam!” His finger moved. I realise that this may not seem like a major milestone, but it was movement. Aman
da gasped, grabbing hold of Adam’s other hand.
***
It was a slow process. From the first signs of movement, it took almost a day before Adam opened his eyes. Yet another day before the nurses removed the ventilator when it was clear that he was able to breathe by himself. He was confused and tried to fight off the nurses as they attended to him.
“Adam…” He tried to focus on Amanda but it was not clear he knew who she was. I could see tears filling her eyes and grabbed her hand. The nurse turned to us.
“Please, don’t worry. When someone wakes from a coma they can be very confused, it may take some time for him to recognise you and settle down. Be patient, he will come back to you.”
***
We didn’t leave his bedside for the next two days. One or both of us were there twenty-four hours a day. I was sleepy and almost dozing off when I heard my name.
“Kate?” Adam’s voice was raspy.
“Oh goodness! Adam!” I leapt up, grasping hold of his shoulders. “Oh, Adam…” I saw Amanda approaching with cups of vending machine tea in her hands. “He’s awake…” She threw the tea down and ran to the bedside.
“Sis?”
He was awake in short bursts, his eyes becoming more focused and he was starting to say more and more, even asking questions about the horses. We were exhausted and the nurses eventually shooed us away, demanding we went home and slept.
Although I said I wouldn’t sleep, I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow, not realising how exhausted I’d been. I only woke when the smell of fresh coffee and bacon entered my dreams. I dressed and came downstairs to find May cooking. Amanda was sat at the table, she hugged me and I sat down.
“Are you feeling better now?” May smiled, placing a delicious looking breakfast in front of me. Suddenly my appetite had returned, both Amanda and I ate like we had been starving, which I guess we had been, we filled up on rounds of toast and sweet, freshly brewed coffee.
“Knock, knock…” Dan stepped into the kitchen. Amanda squealed and rushed to him, hugging and kissing him. “Wow! What a welcome! I thought you might want a lift to the hospital.
***
Adam was sitting up when we came into the ICU. The machines had been removed and the nurses said that he would soon be back on a normal ward. We both gingerly hugged him. It was clear that he was still confused. We had been told that he’d officially died that day in the freezer so he had every right to be. However, memories were coming back to him and he was starting to speak more fluently.
It was going to be a long journey to recovery, not least with intensive psychotherapy as he had been laid in bed for weeks now, but, as I assured him. We would be with him every step of the way.
***
Kate had left the room to go to the toilet, I was sitting with him and had been chatting about the horses when he’d coughed.
“Who’s Anne?”
“Annie? You know her, you met in Wiltshire, she’s up here now with her mum.”
“Oh, I know that…” He smiled. “Anne, from London.”
“What are you saying?”
Adam was babbling, almost ignoring me. “Short lady, darker hair. She told me to say hello, said you would know her…”
V
A PERCEPTION OF LIFE
40
Pressing Charges
“I’m ready to come home…”
“Adam, stop whining…” I had to stop myself laughing as Amanda forced him back into bed. We knew he was feeling better as he had started to complain about the physio, ‘I could be mucking out, it would build my strength up’, the food which, according to him ‘tastes awful’, and how bored he was ‘I want to get out and do something useful…’ The nurses loved him, however, as he restricted his moaning to the times we spent with him and was apparently a model patient when he was left alone.
Adam was in a ground floor ward and although there were fields which he could see in the distance he was clearly missing the outdoors and would look on jealously when we invariably came in wearing breeches and boots having come straight from work. He was dressed in a set of ‘My Little Pony’ pyjamas, purchased in an adult size by his loving sister to ‘keep him in bed’ as he was ashamed to be seen in them. He sat back down, mumbling about the injustice of it all and how he felt perfectly well.
“Look, I have some things I need to get. Give me a call when you are finished with grumpy and I’ll come and pick you up.” I nodded thanks and watched as Amanda left the ward.
“I…”
“Before you even open your mouth to complain…” I paused, looking out of the window I could see Amanda. She had walked out of the main entrance of the hospital and had been stopped by two police officers. “That’s strange…” There were raised voices and I watched in horror as she was wrestled to the ground and roughly cuffed. “Adam, I have to go…” I looked around, he had stood up and had been watching through the window. “Shit!” I saw him sprinting down the ward towards the fire doors.
An alarm screamed as Adam forced the doors open, I was soon after him as he approached the police car. He was running full pace in his bare feet as the officers approached the parking barrier. He yanked open the driver’s door and had grabbed the steering wheel causing the police car to ram into the barrier.
As I reached the car, somewhat out of breath, he was being handcuffed and had been sat next to his sister.
“Please, what’s going on…”
“It’s none of your business. Now piss off!” The officer sat back down behind the wheel and drove off.
***
“I brought you clothes.” I looked up and saw Dan in the cell doorway. “What the hell were you thinking Adam?”
“I was thinking it was happening again, that Amanda was being kidnapped.” I dressed quickly. “Thank you.” I slipped on trainers. “How was I to know these ones were real police officers. What is she being charged with?”
“It’s an offence under the proceeds of crimes act. I’d hoped we could have brushed it under the carpet, but you can’t just spend almost one million pounds of drugs money without some penalty.” He sighed. “She isn’t a criminal and doesn’t have a criminal lifestyle, but… Well, it’s going to be up to the judge.”
“And me? What am I being charged with.”
“You…” Dan paused. “Look I pulled some strings, explained what you thought was happening and…”
“What?”
“They thought that the shame of being overpowered by someone wearing My Little Pony PJ’s was just about enough to get them to drop the charges.”
“Can I go home?”
“Sure, you and your sister are free to go. I should deliver you back to the hospital, but they seem to think that you are okay now, She will be on police bail until a court date.”
“Thanks, Dan…”
***
“Here they are. Safely returned.”
“You bloody idiot!” Kate slapped Adam. “How are you, Amanda?”
“What have I done?” Both women looked at him. “Okay… Sorry…”
“Look, I’m sorry for what has happened. I couldn’t do anything and wasn’t told it was happening.”
“Dan it’s okay. I knew that I couldn’t get away with using Edwin’s money, however, I stupidly thought being almost killed twice would have been enough.” Amanda sighed. “I may have to go to prison or they may take all of this away from me. It serves me right, I suppose.”
“Look it’s massively unlikely that you’ll go to prison.” Dan shook his head.
“Yeah, but I could lose everything.”
“And if that happens, I know May would have you back. Kate and I can find a yard we can work at. Look, we’ll have each other.” Adam paused. “And, if you do go to prison… I might even visit…”
“Thank you…” I stopped. “What? You bloody shit!” Adam was too quick for me as I grabbed for his shirt, I could hear Kate and Dan laughing as I chased him out the back door.
***
It was with a sense of relief that we sat down to dinner that evening. I was resigned to whatever might happen to me. Compared to the wrath of Patrick, who Dan told me had been attacked in prison and would no longer be a risk to me, this was nothing. Dan had assured me again there would not be a custodial sentence.
I looked around the table, Adam and Kate sat laughing glasses of wine in their hands, they had been through so much but had bounced back and were happy with each other and what their lives promised. Beside me, was Dan, wine glass in one hand and the other gently placed on my thigh. They were all looking at me.
“Amanda?”
“Eh? Sorry?”
“A toast!” Adam held his glass aloft. “To the future…”
***
“Why are you looking so sad. This is a happy ending.” Dan embraced me.
“I have been charged with a major criminal offence. You’re a police officer.”
“Sorry, I am not sure what you are saying here.”
County Lines Rider Page 19
