***
Renie picked up her phone and looked. She knew she shouldn’t. She had to stop looking. She had to stop caring whether Billy was trying to reach her or not. She had to stop caring about Billy.
She knew everyone thought she was selfish, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t become the caregiver of Billy’s dead girlfriend’s baby. The girlfriend he said he never had. Fucking liar.
She didn’t believe for one minute she’d been someone who hadn’t mattered, another one-night stand. Or that he’d been careful. The truth was, she hadn’t known him as well as she thought.
She’d wanted forever with Billy. She’d wanted him to love her the way she loved him. Now, she knew that was impossible. He loved that baby—more than he loved her. She felt it that day in the hospital. And when he looked at her so expectantly, hoping she’d embrace this child the same way he was, she wanted to throw up.
She was finished being Billy Patterson’s doormat. She’d spent her whole life being everything he needed, whenever he needed it. God, she’d even slept with him.
The hardest thing for her to accept was how completely clueless she’d been…her whole life. She looked in the mirror and had no idea who she was. She’d let Billy define her for so long; she didn’t know who she was without him. She was nothing. She had nothing.
The therapist asked her whether she’d considered taking her life. “What life?” she answered. She didn’t have one to take. Her life as she knew it, was over.
***
“Do you want to keep your apartment Renie?” her mom asked while they ate breakfast.
“No.”
“Then you need to do something about it.” Liv walked out of the room before Renie could respond.
“What the hell?” she said to Ben who sat across from her.
“She’s getting sick of your shit Renie.”
Renie stared at him.
“You’ve been treating her as though this is her fault, and she doesn’t deserve it. She has nothing to do with what happened between you and Patterson. She’s been patient with you, more patient than I would’ve been. But now she’s done. She has her own life to live.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you need to start taking responsibility for your life. You wanna quit school? Fine. Nobody’s gonna try to talk you out of it. Even if it is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” When she started to speak, Ben held up his hand. “She’s going back out on the road in April Renie. Have you thought about that? Or are you just thinking about yourself?”
“I’m not going back to school Ben.”
“Fine. You wanna quit, quit. But you’ve got an apartment your mom is paying the rent on, and the utilities. She’s not gonna do that forever, and she’s not gonna take care of it for you.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Ask. Us. To. Help. You.”
Renie went in search of her mom.
“I’m sorry,” she said when she found her. “Can you and Ben take me to Fort Collins? I’ll pack up the apartment and go see the registrar at school, let them know I won’t be starting the vet program this year.”
“That’s a start.”
“What else Mom?”
“Your car? Your horse? You have other responsibilities Renie. You can’t turn your back on them.”
Renie started to cry, hard and crawled onto the bed.
“I…can’t…Mom,” she said through her sobs. “Please don’t make me.”
Liv got her calmed down and told her she and Ben would figure something out. She’d have Paige or Mark go get her car. They’d decide what to do about Pooh later.
Paige and Mark were her best friends, but putting them in the middle of this thing between Billy and her daughter by asking them to go get Renie’s horse was more than Liv could ask even of them.
She called Billy the next morning, while Renie was still asleep.
“Hi Billy.”
“Hi Liv. How’s Renie?” He sounded awful. He probably wasn’t sleeping, but Liv didn’t know whether that was because he was suddenly a single father of a baby, or if he were as heartbroken as Renie was.
“Not good Billy. Ben convinced her to see a therapist, but…”
“God Livvie, I’m so sorry,” his voice broke when he said it.
“I know you are Billy, but I’m not sure what for. I don’t understand this reaction from Renie. I don’t understand much about my daughter right now. It’s as though she’s become a different person. She certainly isn’t the girl I thought I knew all these years.”
She shouldn’t be saying this to Billy, but he knew Renie as well as she did, or thought she did. He was at as much of a loss as she was. Or more. At least Renie was talking to her.
“I’ve tried calling her, but she won’t answer or call me back. I’ve texted her, sent her emails, and nothing. Nothing.” His voice broke again.
“She’s quitting school.”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. I’m telling you, I cannot understand any of the decisions she’s making.
“We’re driving to Fort Collins in the next few days to pack up her apartment. And Billy, I’ll ask Paige to come get her car. I hope you understand I can’t force her—”
“I’ll drive it to their house.” The reservation in his voice hung like thick sludge.
“I’m so sorry Billy.”
“Don’t be. I did this. I destroyed any chance of a life for Renie and me. And so you know, it’s what I wanted. I wanted her in my life, forever.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Liv took a deep breath, “I hope she comes around Billy, I really do, but I’m not seeing any signs of it yet.”
“What about Pooh?”
“I talked to her about us coming to get her, but…she fell apart when I did. It’s too much right now.”
Chapter 9
He asked his mother to please not tell Liv he was coming. If he had any chance of seeing Renie, his arrival had to be a complete surprise.
The drive from Monument to Crested Butte was the longest five hours of his life. He tried to imagine what he’d do if he saw her. And he tried to imagine what he’d do if he didn’t.
What would Liv and Ben do? Would they invite him in, put Renie in the position of having to see him, talk to him, deal with him? He hoped not. If they did, he’d refuse. That wouldn’t be fair to her. She had to decide on her own that she wanted to see him. He wouldn’t force himself on her.
If she refused, he’d get Pooh settled, ask Liv to give her the letter he spent most of the night before writing to her, get in his truck, and drive home. The thought of it was enough to bring him to tears.
His arms started to ache; he missed Willow. He didn’t have a cell signal where he was, but when he did, he’d call and see whether she would babble at him over the phone. His daughter saved his life. If it weren’t for her, he’d never have survived this rift between him and Renie. But then again, if it weren’t for her, there wouldn’t be a rift in the first place. It broke his heart.
— • —
Renie asked her mother to pack her bedroom. She couldn’t bear to set foot in it. Going into her apartment reduced her to tears. Ben took control, telling her and Liv to go get them coffee while he got started. She told him she thought she’d be better off with a sedative, and he laughed. She almost did—it was progress. She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d smiled.
“This will go quick,” her mom said when they came back. “You handle the kitchen.”
The kitchen, the dining room, the living room…there wasn’t a room in her apartment that she didn’t see Billy standing in when she closed her eyes.
“Don’t think, just pack,” said Ben, squeezing her shoulder. “Let’s get this done, and get the hell out of here.”
It took them two hours to finish. Renie needed to stop at the registrar’s office on campus, and once she had, she’d never have to set foot in Fort Collins again. It wasn’t as though Bill
y had even spent much time with her here. But, it was the first place they’d made love. That was the part she couldn’t allow herself to think about. If she did, it made her physically ill.
It wasn’t just here in Fort Collins; it was everywhere they’d ever been together. She even avoided Ben’s parents’ house. She doubted she’d be able to much longer, but for now no one had pushed her. No one pushed her to do much of anything. And going there, to Bud and Ginny’s house wouldn’t be as bad. They weren’t lovers the night they spent there looking at the stars, after her mom and Ben’s wedding.
Mark, bless his heart, offered to drive Renie’s car to Crested Butte for her. Paige came with him and they spent a few days at the ranch.
“How’s Blythe?” Renie asked Paige.
“She’s okay sweetie. She doesn’t understand why you’re so distant though.” Paige put her arm around Renie’s shoulders. “Don’t shut everyone out honey, there are a lot of people who love you. If you need to push Billy out, no one will argue with you about it, but everyone else…you need us.”
Renie started to cry and couldn’t speak. She walked away and a moment later, they heard the bedroom door close.
“That’s what she does. She goes downstairs, and we have no idea when we might see her again.”
“It’s so unlike her.”
“Paige—she’s my daughter, and I swear, I almost don’t recognize her. I don’t know who this person is. I want my happy, smiling, life-loving, warm, sweet, caring, unselfish, smart, brave daughter back dammit.”
“Blythe is upset too. She feels as though Renie’s been lying to her. She said she’s been trying to get Renie to fix her up with Billy for the last couple of years, and she never said a word about being interested in him herself. Blythe feels terrible about it.”
“Renie spent most of her life hiding how she felt about him. Makes you wonder now, doesn’t it?”
“Wonder what?”
“How much else has she been hiding? When I say I don’t recognize her, I mean it. Renie’s heart is broken over Billy, but my heart is broken over her.”
Liv broke down just as Ben and Mark came in the back door.
“Oh jeez,” said Mark. “We need to get the hell out of here. Come on, we’re goin’ to the Goat.” He pulled Liv up out of her chair. “Let’s go.”
Liv had to admit it was a good idea, getting away from the house, away from Renie. She hadn’t realized how long it had been since she’d done something other than worry about her daughter.
She knew Ben’s boys felt it, and not just because she and Ben worried, they were worried themselves. Luke made it his mission to get Renie to go riding with him whenever he was at the house. Liv would look out and see her daughter smile at him, and she wanted to hug that little boy to her and never let him go. It was the only time she’d seen her daughter smile in the last few weeks.
Jake was distant. Liv tried to talk to him about it, but he told her he didn’t know what to say, or what to do. He didn’t get it, that’s what he said. Neither did she. No one did.
The four friends stayed all evening, eventually closing the Goat. Ben played and sang, Mark told raunchy jokes, Liv and Paige laughed.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Liv said to Paige.
“Likewise. Your husband has a plane; we shouldn’t let so much time pass between visits.”
“Agreed.”
“I wish I could tell you what to do about Renie.”
That made Liv laugh. Paige often told her what to do about the things she saw as problems in Liv’s life. She missed that. She surely wished Paige had the answer for this one.
***
The house had gotten so quiet; Renie came upstairs to see what was going on. Jake was sitting in the family room, staring into space.
“Where is everybody?” she asked.
“Out.”
“Oh.” Renie started to go back downstairs.
“Luke is at my grandparents’ house. I wanted to stay here. They said I could.”
“Where’s everybody else?”
“Somewhere in town. Probably the Goat.”
“Oh,” she said again. She started to turn around.
“Wanna know why I didn’t go?”
“Okay. Why didn’t you want to go?”
“Because I didn’t want you to be here alone.”
She walked toward the stairs.
“Don’t go back to your room.” Jake shouted at her. “I’m so sick of you just hanging out in there, not talking to any of us. And you look like shit, by the way.”
“Wow. Thanks Jake.”
“Ya know, you used to be my favorite.”
“Your favorite what?”
“Person. In the whole world.”
Renie sat down on the couch next to him. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess right now. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
“It has to do with all of us. We have to live with you. Sometimes I don’t even want to come here.”
Oh God that cut deep. Jake didn’t want to come home because of her. She put her head in the pillow and cried.
He put his hand on her back. She knew how hard that was for him to do. He was shy, especially around her. It had taken a lot for him to tell her how he was feeling, and more to try to comfort her.
“I mean it Jake. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be such a pain in the ass.”
“Then stop being one.”
She laughed. “I wish I knew how.”
“Go back to the way you were before.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to the way I was before.” I was in love then. I won’t ever be again.
“Then don’t go back to how you were, just stop being how you are now.”
“And how do you suggest I do that?”
“Go outside, that would help. Get some fresh air. Read a book. Watch TV. Do something.”
She thought for a minute about what he was suggesting. “You sound very grown up Jake.”
“It’s what you would say to me if I were acting the way you are. Back when you were normal.”
“You’re all right for a little brother, you know that?” She hugged him, which she was sure was making him as uncomfortable as everything he said made her.
The next morning Renie was upstairs by nine, and had breakfast with everyone. Her eyes met Jake’s, and he gave her the briefest of smiles. She didn’t miss the raised eyebrows between Paige and her mom. Or between her mom and Ben.
“Decided to break out of the vampire phase huh?” said Mark. “And look, it’s daylight, and you haven’t melted.”
Renie didn’t answer him, but she did smile, even if it were for a split second.
“Jake and I are going for a hike today,” she said, looking at him. “Right?”
Jake nodded.
“I wanna go,” said Luke.
“We might go for a long one, can you keep up?”
“Of course I can. Can you?”
Liv was almost too afraid to hope this might be the start of a change in her daughter. The conversation taking place between her and the boys almost sounded like the old Renie coming back.
Two days later, when Paige and Mark went home, and the boys went back to their mom’s, Renie went back into her vampire phase, as Mark called it.
***
Billy was more tired than he had been in his entire life. Willow, almost four months old, was a good baby. She slept a lot, she was happy most of the time, but she was a baby, and she required his undivided attention. He wasn’t sure how people did it. How did they have babies and work? He couldn’t get anything done. He couldn’t take care of the horses; thank God he’d hired Sookie, who’d taken to staying in the bunkhouse again. Billy guessed Sookie didn’t like Willow’s two in the morning wake up calls.
He hadn’t been on a horse in the month since he brought her home with him. His body ached from the lack of exercise, but it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart.
He missed Renie every minute of ever
y day. But, he gave up calling her. The day he brought Willow home, the day Renie left him standing in the doorway of the hospital, he’d called her twenty-seven times. He texted her even more than that.
Every day the number of calls and texts diminished, but his need to talk to her didn’t. He wanted to pull his hair out, but there was little he could do about it. He wasn’t about to drop his baby on his parents while he went to fix things between him and Renie. He hoped that after a few days, she’d come around on her own. After the second weekend went by, with no word from her, no visit to Pooh, he started to realize she might never come around.
His mom came up to the house every morning to check on them. In the first few days, he didn’t know what he would’ve done without her. She taught him how to change Willow’s diaper, told him what to feed her, even gave her a bath, which Willow loved.
The second morning she came armed with books. A lot of books. “You’ll need to read these, so you know what to expect.” She gave him books about a baby’s first year, first aid, childhood illnesses, single parenting. If Billy hadn’t been overwhelmed enough before, now he was doubly so.
“I’m so tired Mama, I don’t know how I’m gonna read a book.”
“Guess you’re startin’ to have a lot more respect for the mothers in this world then aren’t you?”
“God yes. I don’t know why anyone would have a second baby once they knew what having the first one was like. Is that why I don’t have any brothers or sisters?”
“You were a handful, no doubt about that, but your daddy and I would have done it again, if we could’ve. God had other plans for us. I never got pregnant again.”
“I’m sorry Mama, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m so exhausted I don’t know what I’m sayin’ half the time.” He rubbed his hands over his face, and his eyes filled with tears.
Dottie put her arms around him and held him tight.
“I don’t know why I’m so emotional. I cry as much as Willow does. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling sorry for myself.”
“You’re tired, you’re overwhelmed…it’s natural for you to be emotional.”
And Then You Dance Page 10
