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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and events are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to businesses, events, institutions, or locales is unintentional.
Amber's Blind Date / Casey Summers
eBook Edition 2.2
Paperback ISBN: 9781791348465
ebook ASIN: B07K63V6FG
FRI 8:51 PM
Amber:
OMG, I need your help
Are you there?
I know you're there
Nora, answer me!
Nora:
This better be important.
I'm trying to study for my Calculus midterm.
Amber:
It is important
Super important
I'm on a date
Nora:
Oh, thank God you texted me.
This news will change the course of human history.
Someday my grandchildren will ask me where I was when I found out Amber Meadows was on a date.
I'll tell them I was trying to study.
I failed Calculus the next day, but I am forever grateful to have been part of this moment.
Amber:
Don't make fun of me
I need your help
Nora:
No, you don't.
You know how to go on a date.
Goodness knows you've had the practice.
Amber:
This is different!
I really like this guy
I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up
I need your advice
Nora:
I'm busy.
Amber:
Don't you want me to be happy?
Please?
You're my best friend.
Nora:
Ugh. Fine. Tell me what's happening.
Amber:
Thank you thank you!
Okay, so here's the deal
My friend hooked me up on a blind date with this guy Kevin
He's so funny and kind
You'd like him. He's a pharmaceutical chemistry major
Or he was. I guess he's kind of on a break now
But he's so smart. Ridiculous smart
Nora:
Hmm. You don't usually go for smart guys.
Amber:
He's also hella cute
Like, he could be a secret Hemsworth nobody knows about
Dude is chiseled out of marble
Hot like whoa
Like drool whoa
Nora:
Ah. Now it all makes sense.
Amber:
We're at this super expensive restaurant
I'm losing my mind. Everything here is so sparkly and elegant
Nora:
Where is Kevin right now?
Amber:
He's here at the table with me
Nora:
So you're just sitting there ignoring him and texting me?
Amber:
I'm not ignoring him
I'm talking to him while I text
Nora:
Here's my advice.
DON'T DO THAT.
Do you not even realize how rude that is?
Amber:
He doesn't know I'm texting
Nora:
How can he not know?
Amber:
Um, hello? He's blind
I told you that
Nora:
NO YOU DIDN'T.
Amber:
I did! I said it was a blind date
Nora:
That is not what "blind date" means!
Amber:
Whatever
So what do I do to make him like me?
Nora:
Are you even serious right now?
Stop texting behind his back. Just talk to him.
Pay attention. Get to know each other.
Maybe you'll hit it off.
Amber:
Ugh. Sounds like effort, but I'll try it
Stay by your phone in case I need a wing girl
Nora:
No. I have to study.
Amber:
I can't do this alone!
Nora:
Yes, you can.
I'm putting you on mute.
Amber:
Fine. Be that way
I'll just get advice from Celery
Nora:
Do NOT get advice from Celery.
Amber:
Why not? She's cool
Nora:
She is not cool. She's a menace.
Remember that time she got into beekeeping?
Amber:
Beekeeping is a legit hobby
Nora:
NOT WHEN YOU LIVE IN A DORM.
Half her floor ended up in the hospital when she left her door open.
Amber:
Yeah, but she sent them all Get Well honey
Nora:
You asked for my advice.
My advice is DO NOT ASK CELERY FOR ADVICE.
[AMBER added CELERY to group chat]
Nora:
God damn it, Amber.
Amber:
Celery, I need your help
Celery:
are you on fire?
Amber:
No
Celery:
stop drop and roll
Amber:
I'm not on fire! I'm on a blind date
Celery:
how did he go blind?
Nora:
Oh my God, that is NOT what "blind date" means!
Amber:
Kevin said he lost his sight in an accident about six months ago
He won't tell me how it happened
Celery:
hes hiding something
i bet hes mixed up with the mafia
maybe hes a snitch
they poked out his eyes to teach him a lesson
definite red flag
Nora:
It's not a red flag.
I'm sure losing his vision in an accident was very traumatic.
People generally don't want to talk about the worst day of their lives on a first date.
Amber:
I think Nora is right
Kevin is too sweet to be involved with anything bad
He's so brave and upbeat
He's been trying to learn to live his life without sight, but it's been really hard for him
He inspires me to be a better person
I really like him and I want him to like me too
What do I do?
Celery:
easy
tell him you have big boobs
Nora:
That is a terrible idea.
Amber:
For real. I don't have big boobs
Nora:
Okay, that is like, number twelve on the list of reasons it's a terrible idea.
Celery:
its an amazing idea
dudes love big boobs
and hows he gonna know youre lying? hes blind
is he gonna listen to them?
smell them?
Amber:
You make a good point
He'll never know
My boobs totally smell big
&
nbsp; Nora:
Okay, I don't even know why I'm still humoring you, but...
You're clearly not thinking long-term here.
Amber:
What do you mean?
Nora:
I mean, do you know how blind people "look" at things?
By feeling them. With their hands.
Amber:
So?
Nora:
So what happens if you two hit it off?
At some point he's probably going to want to...
ahem...
"look at" your breasts.
He'll know you were lying.
Amber:
Oh shit!
Nora:
Exactly. That's why you should be honest.
Amber:
I already told him I have big boobs!
Celery:
nice. what did he say?
Amber:
He said "cool"
Celery:
boom. told you. suck it, nora
Nora:
Wait. Wait. Amber, how did you even bring this up in conversation?
Amber:
He said that adjusting to being blind is a really big change
I told him I could relate
Because I went through a really big change
During puberty
When my boobs got huge
Nora:
... and he said "cool"?
Amber:
Kevin is very empathetic to my struggle
Nora:
YOU DON'T HAVE A STRUGGLE.
You don't even have big boobs.
Celery:
sounds like everything worked out perfectly
you can thank me at your wedding
assuming he doesnt end up at the bottom of a lake in cement shoes before then
Amber:
Kevin is not in the mafia!
Celery:
you should ask. for your own safety
Amber:
Hold on. The waiter is here with the dessert cart
Celery:
well, okay. priorities
[... Four minutes later ...]
Amber:
OMG you guys that waiter is such an a-hole!
Nora:
What happened?
Amber:
He was making fun of Kevin for not being able to see what was on the cart
He was like, "Here's a freebie, catch!" and he threw a truffle at Kevin
It hit him in the face!
Celery:
f that guy. did you kick his ass?
Amber:
No, but I'm looking around near the kitchen for his manager
Nora:
Good. Get him fired. That behavior is unacceptable.
Amber:
I just looked over at my table and there's a woman there talking to Kevin!
Nora:
So?
Amber:
So?! She's a totally foxy redhead
She's standing way too close to him
She's whispering in his ear!
Celery:
he has a girlfriend?!
Nora:
Don't jump to conclusions. Maybe it isn't what it looks like.
Amber:
He's getting up to leave!
With her!
She's holding his arm!
Nora:
Or maybe it is.
Amber:
No, it's not!
The redhead is hiding a gun in her coat!
She's forcing Kevin to leave with her!
Nora:
What?!
Celery:
not a girlfriend
a mob hit
man, I so called it
Amber:
They're going outside
OMG, she's taking Kevin hostage!
I have to go help him!
Nora:
Amber, wait.
Don't do anything stupid.
Amber?
Amber!
FRI 9:19 PM
Amber:
I lost him! I lost Kevin!
Celery:
well, you win some you lose some
wanna come over and vandalize wikipedia?
we can start some salty rumors about chili's
i heard the awesome blossoms are fried in grease left over from ass liposuctions
Nora:
Celery, shut up.
Amber, where are you now? Are you all right?
Amber:
I'm outside but I can't find Kevin!
Wait I see him!
He's with that redhead over by the street
She's yelling at him
I have to go help!
Nora:
No, you don't!
You said she has a gun!
Stay away from her!
Celery:
whats redhead saying?
is she threatening to make kevin sleep with the fishes?
thats a mafia threat btw
not a sex thing
Amber:
I can't hear what she's saying
There's too much traffic. It's too loud
Let me get closer
Nora:
No!
Amber you need to get someplace safe.
Do not go closer!
Amber:
I'm closer
Nora:
FML.
Amber:
k, I can kinda hear them now
Redhead keeps saying she wants her money
She's squeezing Kevin's arm and poking him with the gun in her pocket
Kevin looks so scared! I have to help him!
Nora:
Amber, please. Call the police. Let them deal with this.
Celery:
yeah ok. call the police
you may as well just call a janitor instead
to clean up all of kevins blood
and probably bits of brain
or lung
or poop
depends on where she shoots him, really
Amber:
I don't want him to get shot at all!
Celery:
then you cant wait for the police
youre gonna have to take that betch down yourself
Amber:
How?!?
Celery:
you used to be a cheerleader
use some of that stuff on her
Amber:
You want me to cheer for her?!
Celery:
duh. no
do one of those backward flippy things
slam a pair of feet into her craw
knock out some teeth
Amber:
I can't do that!
Nora:
Obviously.
Amber:
I'm wearing heels!
Celery:
ooh, even better. aim for the eyes
Nora:
Or, how about this?
Don't confront an armed psychopath by doing a back flip.
It's not something people do.
Also, you haven't been a cheerleader for two years.
You probably can't even do a back flip anymore.
Celery:
wow nora. rude
why don't you just come out and call her fat
Amber:
OMG Nora do you think I'm fat?
Nora:
What?! I didn't say that!
Celery:
oh whatever
you're all "you can't do a backflip, amber. not like you used to"
"you used to be so fit in high school but since you got to college youve gotten a beer gut"
"i bet you cant even flip anymore, jellywings"
Amber:
I can too still flip!
Nobody's going to fat-shame me into letting Kevin die!
It's flippin' time, bitches!
Celery:
yeah! body positivity ftw!
Nora:
*facepalm*
*deep breath*
&
nbsp; Amber. Listen. I don't think you're fat.
Also, that is the absolute least important thing to be focusing on right now.
Just tell me where you are and *I'll* call the police, okay?
Okay?
Amber?
Answer me!
Celery:
she cant, bro. shes too busy kicking ass
Nora:
Ugh! Celery!
Why did you tell her to do that?!
You know how easily Amber falls to the power of suggestion.
Celery:
so you dont think shes fat?
Nora:
NO!
Celery:
you just think she's dumb
Nora:
I'm not answering that.
Amber?
Please answer.
Answer me, you idiot!
[... Six minutes later ...]
Amber:
Hey! I'm not an idiot!
Nora:
Amber! What happened?
Amber:
I did a backflip!
I saved Kevin!
Kinda
Nora:
What do you mean "kinda"?
Amber:
I tried to flip into the redhead, but my arms buckled under my weight
You were right, I am too fat. :-(
Nora:
I DIDN'T SAY YOU'RE FAT.
Amber:
I completely missed her and tumbled into the road
A car almost hit me right in my fat ass
I really should cut back on carbs
Maybe I should go gluten free
Nora:
Amber, focus.
Are you all right?
I mean, physically?
I know you're a disaster psychologically.
Amber:
I'm fine
The car swerved to miss me and jumped the curb
It hit the redhead
Celery:
epic badassery!
Nora:
Wait, Redhead got hit by a car?
Is she all right?
Amber:
I think so?
She's not moving
Not bleeding tho, so prolly ok
Celery:
whatever. who cares about her?
you saved kevins life
he pretty much has to put out now
youre welcome
Amber:
Shit
Shooting
Nora:
Yeah, I think I've had enough shit shooting for one night.
If you're not in immediate danger will you just call the police already?
Amber:
Shooting!
Redhead is shooting at us!
What do I do?!
Nora:
Seriously?!
Stop texting!
Run!
FRI 9:47 PM
Celery:
yo amber. are you dead?
if youre dead, you should totally haunt me
like, ill wake up and youll be there floating over my bed all moaning and oozing blood from your gunshot wounds
and ill get up
and we can hit up chili's and get some assfat blossoms
Nora:
Stop it. This is serious.
Amber's Blind Date Page 1
