Amber [Voice]:
"Aagh! Damn it!"
Nora:
What?!
Amber [Voice]:
"Somebody just pulled a van between me and the waiter!"
"I missed my shot!"
Nora:
No, this is good!
Maybe the people in the van saw the fight and pulled over to help.
Celery:
yeah ok, thats a thing actual people do
Amber [Voice]:
"What the hell?"
"Who the hell is that guy?!"
Celery:
is it jk simmons?
every time i see him in a movie im like
"ive seen him before. who the hell is that guy?"
Amber [Voice]:
"It's some big muscle dude!"
"He looks like if the Hulk were a person!"
Celery:
technically the hulk is a person
hes just green
dont be racist
Amber [Voice]:
"He's breaking up the fight!"
Nora:
See? I told you!
Amber [Voice]:
"He just put the waiter in a headlock!"
Nora:
Awesome!
I'm glad there are still Good Samaritans out there willing to help a stranger in need.
Amber [Voice]:
"Wait! The muscle guy put Kevin in a headlock too!"
Celery:
faith in humanity restored
to zero
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh my God, he just pulled them both into the van!"
"There's somebody else with him."
Celery:
is it iron man?
Amber [Voice]:
"No, it's a girl. She's got red hair."
Celery:
black widow!
Amber [Voice]:
"It's Sasha!"
Celery:
is she from ant man?
i didnt see that one
Nora:
It's the drug dealer you walnut!
Amber [Voice]:
"She's driving away!"
"You guys, Sasha kidnapped Kevin!"
SAT 1:24 AM
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, now she's turning down Washington Avenue."
"Down by the old train station."
Nora:
Don't follow too close!
You don't want her to see you.
Amber [Voice]:
"A der-hay."
"She can't see me."
"I'm driving with my headlights off."
"There are no streetlights, so I'm basically invisible."
"I can barely see her van, which means she can't see me."
"Which means she can't shoot at me."
Nora:
This is so unsafe.
Every last bit of it.
Celery:
its fine
kevin drove the car and he cant see at all
Amber [Voice]:
"Can't argue with that."
Nora:
I could, but I know there's no point in it.
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, she's stopping."
"We are like, nowhere."
"None of the houses around here have any lights in them."
"But they all have bars on the windows."
"It's creepy."
Nora:
It's beyond creepy. It's super dangerous!
Washington Depot is a terrible neighborhood!
Amber [Voice]:
"Oh! Really? Thank you for that amazing insight!"
"I totally couldn't tell!"
"That was sarcasm, by the way."
Nora:
Yeah. I got it.
Amber [Voice]:
"Sasha's getting out of the van."
"Muscle guy is dragging Kevin and the waiter into a little house by the tracks."
Nora:
Okay, now is the time to call the police.
Celery:
ugh. are we back on that again?
Nora:
Yes!
I know you had some concerns about Kevin getting in trouble before, but that ship has sailed!
Amber, he is about to be MURDERED.
Celery:
thats exactly why you cant wait for the cops to show up
theyre scared to patrol the Washington Depot area
too many people get murdered there
Amber [Voice]:
"You're right. I have to save him myself."
Nora:
Facepalm
so
hard.
Amber [Voice]:
"All right, I charged my Bluetooth while I was driving."
"I'm putting it back in."
"You still hear me?"
Celery:
technically no
but yes
i see your words
Amber [Voice]:
"All right, I'm going in."
Nora:
I hope you've made out your will.
Celery:
and i hope your will says I can have your skillet
Nora:
How can you be thinking about cookware right now?!
Celery:
hey back off
if my best friend is dead im gonna need pancakes to cope ok?
Amber [Voice]:
"Aww, that is so sweet."
Nora:
Is it?
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, I'm at the window."
"It's boarded up but I can peek inside."
Celery:
what do you see?
Amber [Voice]:
"Not much. It's all dark."
"Wait! Someone turned on a light."
"I can see them in a room across the hall."
"Kevin and Sasha and the waiter."
Celery:
what about non-green hulk
Amber [Voice]:
"I don't know. I don't see him."
Unknown Voice 07 [Voice]:
"Hey! You! What are you doing here?!"
Nora:
*sigh*
[NORA tagged 01 Speech-to-Text voice]
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"You're coming with me, girlie!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Aagh! Let go of me!"
"Put me down!"
"He's taking me inside the house!"
Unknown Voice 08 [Voice]:
"No, sir."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I got some of the X back, but not all of it."
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"Hey Sasha! Look what I found outside."
Unknown Voice 08 [Voice]:
"Not now!"
"I'm on the PHONE!"
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"But this pervert was peeking through the window!"
Unknown Voice 08 [Voice]:
"Shut UP! I'm talking to Bruno!"
Celery:
bruno mars?
Nora:
Almost certainly not Bruno Mars.
[NORA tagged 01 Speech-to-Text voice]
Sasha the Homicidal Drug Dealer [Voice]:
"Wait."
"That's no pervert!"
"That's the psycho cheerleader!"
"She's the one that made the car hit me!"
Amber [Voice]:
"It was an accident!"
"I swear!"
"I was trying to kick you in the face!"
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"You want me to kick HER in the face, boss?"
Sasha the Homicidal Drug Dealer [Voice]:
"I want you to get out of my face!"
"I'm trying, to talk, to BRUNO!"
"Put her in the kitchen with the others."
"Sorry, Bruno, you were saying?"
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"All right, move it, blondie."
"My boss doesn't like to be interrupted when she's on the phone with her boss.
"
Amber [Voice]:
"Ow! Let go! Stop pushing!"
Sasha the Homicidal Drug Dealer [Voice]:
"Well obviously I'm going to kill them all."
"I just wanted to know where you want me to stash the bodies."
Nora:
Oh God.
This is bad.
This is really really bad.
Celery:
she could be talking about killing anything
roaches
maybe she moonlights as an exterminator
Nora:
Sure. And maybe that really is Bruno Mars she's talking to.
And maybe this all ends with a rousing performance of "Uptown Funk" instead of Amber's lifeless body being buried in a shallow grave.
Celery:
wow maybe
now ive got FOMO
Nora:
THERE IS NO UPTOWN FUNK OH MY GOD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
Amber [Voice]:
"Ow! Stop shoving!"
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"Stay in there and be quiet!"
Amber [Voice]:
"No! Let me out of"
"Ow!"
"You slammed the door on my face, jerkwad!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Oh my God, what are you doing here?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I came to rescue you!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"What about me?"
Amber [Voice]:
"You I really don't care about either way, honestly."
Celery:
lol snap
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, you shouldn't have come here."
"We're in big trouble."
Amber [Voice]:
"I know. We're going to get murdered by Bruno Mars."
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh, no."
"Not Bruno Mars."
"Bruno Portelli."
"He's the gangster running the whole drug ring."
"And he's furious."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"I would be too if my dealers were handing out bags of free molly to losers like you."
"Pfft."
"You guys suck."
Amber [Voice]:
"Hey, I've got an idea."
"Shut up and go away."
Kevin [Voice]:
"No, he's right."
"I am a loser."
Amber [Voice]:
"You're not!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I am!"
"Amber, I'm so sorry I dragged you into this."
"You just wanted to go on a normal date, and you're going to end up getting murdered by the mob."
"All because of me."
"Because I'm so useless."
"I don't even care if they kill me."
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin, don't say that."
Kevin [Voice]:
"It's true though."
"I thought I'd adjust to losing my sight."
"I thought I'd adapt and learn to cope with it."
"But I haven't."
"When I got out of your car I had absolutely no idea where I was."
"When I heard the moped I got confused, then the next thing I know this idiot was sucker punching me."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"You mess with the bull you get the horns!
Amber [Voice]:
"Shut UP!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"I couldn't defend myself against this turd, or against Sasha's goon."
"Without my sight I can't even continue my pharmaceutical research."
"I'm still struggling to even dress myself in the morning!"
Amber [Voice]:
"But you'll learn! You're not useless just because you got blinded! Don't give up!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Don't."
"Not again."
Amber [Voice]:
"What?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Don't tell me everything will be okay!"
"You're the first person who made me feel like there was some hope of living a normal life after the accident!"
"I thought you cared!"
"But you were just pranking me with your friends!"
Celery:
you were not!
Amber [Voice]:
"I was not!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Is that you talking? Or are you just repeating the robots in your ear?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Both, actually!"
"But mostly me!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Dude. How much of that molly did you guys do?"
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was texting my friends, but I didn't do it to make fun of you."
"I just started texting them to help me, because I didn't want to screw things up."
Nora:
And ironically, texting us for help is exactly what screwed things up.
Amber [Voice]:
"The point is, I really liked you."
"I still do."
"If I didn't, would I have snuck into a trap house to rescue you?
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Uh, you were abducted and are now locked in a kitchen."
"Apparently you don't know what 'sneaking in' or 'rescue' are."
Celery:
maybe you could get on sashas good side by murdering that guy and saving her the trouble
Kevin [Voice]:
"I'm sorry I overreacted."
"If I had stayed in the car we wouldn't be here now."
"This is all my fault, and I can't even figure out a way to escape."
"Gah! I feel so useless without my eyes!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Stop saying that!"
"You can do all kinds of things! I've seen it!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Like what?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Like"
Nora:
Like answer trivia questions.
Amber [Voice]:
"Like answer trivia questions!"
"You're so smart!"
"You know what Honolulu means!"
"Seriously who knows that?"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Everybody who's ever been to Hawaii."
Amber [Voice]:
"Okay, but what about your research?"
"What about like science stuff?"
"I'll bet you know things like, uh"
Nora:
The atomic mass of cadmium.
Celery:
how to jam a fork into an electrical socket without killing yourself
Amber [Voice]:
"How to jam a fork into an electrical socket without killing yourself!"
Nora:
I swear she just says the last thing she hears.
Kevin [Voice]:
"Uh, I do, actually."
"If you stick a fork in just the right slot you'll get electrocuted, but if you stick it in both slots at the same time it'll short the circuit and pop the breaker."
"And you probably won't die."
Amber [Voice]:
"See?! You know things!"
Celery:
and he can see in the dark
Amber [Voice]:
"And you can see in the dark!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Everything I see is dark."
Amber [Voice]:
"That's what I meant!"
"Remember when we were at the warehouse party?"
"I had no idea where we were, but you could get us out of there in the dark using your cane."
Kevin [Voice]:
"I guess that's true."
"That was pretty impressive."
"I kinda rocked that."
Amber [Voice]:
"Yeah ya did!"
"Aww, there's a smile!"
&nb
sp; "See? It's not so bad."
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Oh. My. GOD!"
"Enough with the lovey dovey ego stroking!"
"You're gonna make me puke!"
Amber [Voice]:
"Will you shut up?!"
"We're having a moment here!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Well if you two pussies aren't going to break us out of here, I will!"
"Rrrrrraaaaawwww!"
"Ugh!"
Celery:
hahahaha
Nora:
What?
Celery:
he just tried to charge the door and break it down but it didn't break and he fell
Nora:
How can you possibly know that?
Celery:
i used to have a job transcribing three stooges movies
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"Hey, settle down, ya apes!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Eat my fist, Hercules!"
Non-Green Hulk [Voice]:
"Aagh! My eye!"
"You stupid little runt!"
Pissed Waiter [Voice]:
"Ow. Ow ow ow!"
"Stop it! Stop!"
"Arms don't bend that way!"
Sasha the Homicidal Drug Dealer [Voice]:
"What the hell is going on in here?"
Amber [Voice]:
"Kevin, get down!"
"She's got a gun!"
Nora:
Amber, get out of the house!
Amber [Voice]:
"I can't! She's in the doorway!"
Celery:
get a weapon! kick her ass!
Amber [Voice]:
"Weapon?"
"I'm in a kitchen!"
"There's nothing here but dirty dishes and part of a sandwich!"
Celery:
what kind of sandwich?
Nora:
It doesn't matter!
Celery:
it does if its a gun sandwich!
Amber [Voice]:
"Ow! Oh God, I'm deaf!"
Nora:
What happened?!
Amber [Voice]:
"She's shooting!"
"It's so LOUD!"
Kevin [Voice]:
"Amber, where are you!"
Amber [Voice]:
"I'm here!"
Nora:
Grab him and GET OUT!
You escaped the party, you can escape this!
Amber [Voice]:
"The party was different!"
"Nobody could see us sneak out!"
"It was dark!"
"Wait!"
"Idea!"
Nora:
What?!
What's your idea?!
I don't like it when you have ideas!
Amber [Voice]:
"Back off, Sasha!"
"I'm armed!"
Sasha the Homicidal Drug Dealer [Voice]:
"Really, handcuff girl?"
"That's your weapon?"
"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to bring a fork to a gunfight?"
Amber [Voice]:
"No, but plenty of people have told me not to stick one in a power outlet!"
Nora:
What?
Wait!
Amber, no!
Amber [Voice]:
"Aaaa(j798>h^%8l&%
[AMBER has left the group chat]
Amber's Blind Date Page 7
