CHAPTER X
On assembling at the residence indicated, the tchinovniks had occasionto remark that, owing to all these cares and excitements, every oneof their number had grown thinner. Yes, the appointment of a newGovernor-General, coupled with the rumours described and the receptionof the two serious documents above-mentioned, had left manifest tracesupon the features of every one present. More than one frockcoat had cometo look too large for its wearer, and more than one frame had fallenaway, including the frames of the President of the Council, the Directorof the Medical Department, and the Public Prosecutor. Even a certainSemen Ivanovitch, who, for some reason or another, was never alluded toby his family name, but who wore on his index finger a ring with whichhe was accustomed to dazzle his lady friends, had diminished in bulk.Yet, as always happens at such junctures, there were also presenta score of brazen individuals who had succeeded in NOT losing theirpresence of mind, even though they constituted a mere sprinkling.Of them the Postmaster formed one, since he was a man of equabletemperament who could always say: "WE know you, Governor-Generals! Wehave seen three or four of you come and go, whereas WE have been sittingon the same stools these thirty years." Nevertheless a prominent featureof the gathering was the total absence of what is vulgarly known as"common sense." In general, we Russians do not make a good show atrepresentative assemblies, for the reason that, unless there be inauthority a leading spirit to control the rest, the affair alwaysdevelops into confusion. Why this should be so one could hardly say, butat all events a success is scored only by such gatherings as have fortheir object dining and festivity--to wit, gatherings at clubs or inGerman-run restaurants. However, on the present occasion, the meetingwas NOT one of this kind; it was a meeting convoked of necessity, andlikely in view of the threatened calamity to affect every tchinovnik inthe place. Also, in addition to the great divergency of views expressedthereat, there was visible in all the speakers an invincible tendency toindecision which led them at one moment to make assertions, and at thenext to contradict the same. But on at least one point all seemed toagree--namely, that Chichikov's appearance and conversation were toorespectable for him to be a forger or a disguised brigand. That is tosay, all SEEMED to agree on the point; until a sudden shout arose fromthe direction of the Postmaster, who for some time past had been sittingplunged in thought.
"_I_ can tell you," he cried, "who Chichikov is!"
"Who, then?" replied the crowd in great excitement.
"He is none other than Captain Kopeikin."
"And who may Captain Kopeikin be?"
Taking a pinch of snuff (which he did with the lid of his snuff-boxhalf-open, lest some extraneous person should contrive to insert a notover-clean finger into the stuff), the Postmaster related the followingstory [35].
"After fighting in the campaign of 1812, there was sent home, wounded,a certain Captain Kopeikin--a headstrong, lively blade who, whether onduty or under arrest, made things lively for everybody. Now, since atKrasni or at Leipzig (it matters not which) he had lost an arm and aleg, and in those days no provision was made for wounded soldiers, andhe could not work with his left arm alone, he set out to see his father.Unfortunately his father could only just support himself, and was forcedto tell his son so; wherefore the Captain decided to go and apply forhelp in St. Petersburg, seeing that he had risked his life for hiscountry, and had lost much blood in its service. You can imagine himarriving in the capital on a baggage waggon--in the capital which islike no other city in the world! Before him there lay spread out thewhole field of life, like a sort of Arabian Nights--a picture made up ofthe Nevski Prospect, Gorokhovaia Street, countless tapering spires, anda number of bridges apparently supported on nothing--in fact, a regularsecond Nineveh. Well, he made shift to hire a lodging, but foundeverything so wonderfully furnished with blinds and Persian carpets andso forth that he saw it would mean throwing away a lot of money. True,as one walks the streets of St. Petersburg one seems to smell money bythe thousand roubles, but our friend Kopeikin's bank was limited to afew score coppers and a little silver--not enough to buy a village with!At length, at the price of a rouble a day, he obtained a lodging in thesort of tavern where the daily ration is a bowl of cabbage soup and acrust of bread; and as he felt that he could not manage to live verylong on fare of that kind he asked folk what he had better do. 'What youhad better do?' they said. 'Well the Government is not here--it is inParis, and the troops have not yet returned from the war; but there is aTEMPORARY Commission sitting, and you had better go and see what IT cando for you.' 'All right!' he said. 'I will go and tell the Commissionthat I have shed my blood, and sacrificed my life, for my country.'And he got up early one morning, and shaved himself with his left hand(since the expense of a barber was not worth while), and set out, woodenleg and all, to see the President of the Commission. But first heasked where the President lived, and was told that his house was inNaberezhnaia Street. And you may be sure that it was no peasant's hut,with its glazed windows and great mirrors and statues and lacqueys andbrass door handles! Rather, it was the sort of place which you wouldenter only after you had bought a cheap cake of soap and indulged in atwo hours' wash. Also, at the entrance there was posted a grand Swissfootman with a baton and an embroidered collar--a fellow looking like afat, over-fed pug dog. However, friend Kopeikin managed to get himselfand his wooden leg into the reception room, and there squeezed himselfaway into a corner, for fear lest he should knock down the gilded chinawith his elbow. And he stood waiting in great satisfaction at havingarrived before the President had so much as left his bed and been servedwith his silver wash-basin. Nevertheless, it was only when Kopeikin hadbeen waiting four hours that a breakfast waiter entered to say, 'ThePresident will soon be here.' By now the room was as full of people asa plate is of beans, and when the President left the breakfast-room hebrought with him, oh, such dignity and refinement, and such an airof the metropolis! First he walked up to one person, and then up toanother, saying: 'What do YOU want? And what do YOU want? What can Ido for YOU? What is YOUR business?' And at length he stopped beforeKopeikin, and Kopeikin said to him: 'I have shed my blood, and lostboth an arm and a leg, for my country, and am unable to work. Might Itherefore dare to ask you for a little help, if the regulations shouldpermit of it, or for a gratuity, or for a pension, or something of thekind?' Then the President looked at him, and saw that one of his legswas indeed a wooden one, and that an empty right sleeve was pinned tohis uniform. 'Very well,' he said. 'Come to me again in a few days'time.' Upon this friend Kopeikin felt delighted. 'NOW I have done myjob!' he thought to himself; and you may imagine how gaily he trottedalong the pavement, and how he dropped into a tavern for a glass ofvodka, and how he ordered a cutlet and some caper sauce and some otherthings for luncheon, and how he called for a bottle of wine, and how hewent to the theatre in the evening! In short, he did himself thoroughlywell. Next, he saw in the street a young English lady, as graceful as aswan, and set off after her on his wooden leg. 'But no,' he thought tohimself. 'To the devil with that sort of thing just now! I will waituntil I have drawn my pension. For the present I have spent enough.'(And I may tell you that by now he had got through fully half hismoney.) Two or three days later he went to see the President of theCommission again. 'I should be glad to know,' he said, 'whether by nowyou can do anything for me in return for my having shed my blood andsuffered sickness and wounds on military service.' 'First of all,' saidthe President, 'I must tell you that nothing can be decided in your casewithout the authority of the Supreme Government. Without that sanctionwe cannot move in the matter. Surely you see how things stand until thearmy shall have returned from the war? All that I can advise you todo is wait for the Minister to return, and, in the meanwhile, to havepatience. Rest assured that then you will not be overlooked. And if forthe moment you have nothing to live upon, this is the best that I cando for you.' With that he handed Kopeikin a trifle until his case shouldhave been decided. However, that was not what Kopeikin wanted. Hehad supposed that he would be given a gratuity of a
thousand roublesstraight away; whereas, instead of 'Drink and be merry,' it was 'Wait,for the time is not yet.' Thus, though his head had been full of soupplates and cutlets and English girls, he now descended the steps withhis ears and his tail down--looking, in fact, like a poodle over whichthe cook has poured a bucketful of water. You see, St. Petersburg lifehad changed him not a little since first he had got a taste of it, and,now that the devil only knew how he was going to live, it came all theharder to him that he should have no more sweets to look forward to.Remember that a man in the prime of years has an appetite like awolf; and as he passed a restaurant he could see a round-faced,holland-shirted, snow-white aproned fellow of a French chef preparing adish delicious enough to make it turn to and eat itself; while, again,as he passed a fruit shop he could see delicacies looking out of awindow for fools to come and buy them at a hundred roubles apiece.Imagine, therefore, his position! On the one hand, so to speak, weresalmon and water-melons, while on the other hand was the bitter farewhich passed at a tavern for luncheon. 'Well,' he thought to himself,'let them do what they like with me at the Commission, but I intendto go and raise the whole place, and to tell every blessed functionarythere that I have a mind to do as I choose.' And in truth thisbold impertinence of a man did have the hardihood to return to theCommission. 'What do you want?' said the President. 'Why are you herefor the third time? You have had your orders given you.' 'I daresay Ihave,' he retorted, 'but I am not going to be put off with THEM. I wantsome cutlets to eat, and a bottle of French wine, and a chance to go andamuse myself at the theatre.' 'Pardon me,' said the President. 'What youreally need (if I may venture to mention it) is a little patience. Youhave been given something for food until the Military Committee shallhave met, and then, doubtless, you will receive your proper reward,seeing that it would not be seemly that a man who has served his countryshould be left destitute. On the other hand, if, in the meanwhile, youdesire to indulge in cutlets and theatre-going, please understand thatwe cannot help you, but you must make your own resources, and try asbest you can to help yourself.' You can imagine that this went in at oneof Kopeikin's ears, and out at the other; that it was like shooting peasat a stone wall. Accordingly he raised a turmoil which sent the staffflying. One by one, he gave the mob of secretaries and clerks a realgood hammering. 'You, and you, and you,' he said, 'do not even knowyour duties. You are law-breakers.' Yes, he trod every man of them underfoot. At length the General himself arrived from another office, andsounded the alarm. What was to be done with a fellow like Kopeikin?The President saw that strong measures were imperative. 'Very well,' hesaid. 'Since you decline to rest satisfied with what has been given you,and quietly to await the decision of your case in St. Petersburg, I mustfind you a lodging. Here, constable, remove the man to gaol.' Then aconstable who had been called to the door--a constable three ellsin height, and armed with a carbine--a man well fitted to guard abank--placed our friend in a police waggon. 'Well,' reflected Kopeikin,'at least I shan't have to pay my fare for THIS ride. That's onecomfort.' Again, after he had ridden a little way, he said to himself:'they told me at the Commission to go and make my own means of enjoyingmyself. Very good. I'll do so.' However, what became of Kopeikin,and whither he went, is known to no one. He sank, to use the poet'sexpression, into the waters of Lethe, and his doings now lie buried inoblivion. But allow me, gentlemen, to piece together the further threadsof the story. Not two months later there appeared in the forests ofRiazan a band of robbers: and of that band the chieftain was none otherthan--"
"Allow me," put in the Head of the Police Department. "You have saidthat Kopeikin had lost an arm and a leg; whereas Chichikov--"
To say anything more was unnecessary. The Postmaster clapped his handto his forehead, and publicly called himself a fool, though, later, hetried to excuse his mistake by saying that in England the science ofmechanics had reached such a pitch that wooden legs were manufacturedwhich would enable the wearer, on touching a spring, to vanishinstantaneously from sight.
Various other theories were then propounded, among them a theory thatChichikov was Napoleon, escaped from St. Helena and travelling aboutthe world in disguise. And if it should be supposed that no such notioncould possibly have been broached, let the reader remember that theseevents took place not many years after the French had been driven out ofRussia, and that various prophets had since declared that Napoleon wasAntichrist, and would one day escape from his island prison to exerciseuniversal sway on earth. Nay, some good folk had even declared theletters of Napoleon's name to constitute the Apocalyptic cipher!
As a last resort, the tchinovniks decided to question Nozdrev, since notonly had the latter been the first to mention the dead souls, butalso he was supposed to stand on terms of intimacy with Chichikov.Accordingly the Chief of Police dispatched a note by the hand of acommissionaire. At the time Nozdrev was engaged on some very importantbusiness--so much so that he had not left his room for four days, andwas receiving his meals through the window, and no visitors at all. Thebusiness referred to consisted of the marking of several dozen selectedcards in such a way as to permit of his relying upon them as upon hisbosom friend. Naturally he did not like having his retirement invaded,and at first consigned the commissionaire to the devil; but as soonas he learnt from the note that, since a novice at cards was to be theguest of the Chief of Police that evening, a call at the latter's housemight prove not wholly unprofitable he relented, unlocked the door ofhis room, threw on the first garments that came to hand, and set forth.To every question put to him by the tchinovniks he answered firmly andwith assurance. Chichikov, he averred, had indeed purchased dead souls,and to the tune of several thousand roubles. In fact, he (Nozdrev) hadhimself sold him some, and still saw no reason why he should not havedone so. Next, to the question of whether or not he considered Chichikovto be a spy, he replied in the affirmative, and added that, as long agoas his and Chichikov's joint schooldays, the said Chichikov had beenknown as "The Informer," and repeatedly been thrashed by his companionson that account. Again, to the question of whether or not Chichikov wasa forger of currency notes the deponent, as before, responded inthe affirmative, and appended thereto an anecdote illustrative ofChichikov's extraordinary dexterity of hand--namely, an anecdote tothat effect that, once upon a time, on learning that two millionroubles worth of counterfeit notes were lying in Chichikov's house, theauthorities had placed seals upon the building, and had surrounded iton every side with an armed guard; whereupon Chichikov had, during thenight, changed each of these seals for a new one, and also so arrangedmatters that, when the house was searched, the forged notes were foundto be genuine ones!
Again, to the question of whether or not Chichikov had schemed to abductthe Governor's daughter, and also whether it was true that he, Nozdrev,had undertaken to aid and abet him in the act, the witness replied that,had he not undertaken to do so, the affair would never have come off. Atthis point the witness pulled himself up, on realising that he had tolda lie which might get him into trouble; but his tongue was not to bedenied--the details trembling on its tip were too alluring, and heeven went on to cite the name of the village church where the pairhad arranged to be married, that of the priest who had performedthe ceremony, the amount of the fees paid for the same (seventy-fiveroubles), and statements (1) that the priest had refused to solemnisethe wedding until Chichikov had frightened him by threatening to exposethe fact that he (the priest) had married Mikhail, a local corn dealer,to his paramour, and (2) that Chichikov had ordered both a koliaska forthe couple's conveyance and relays of horses from the post-houses on theroad. Nay, the narrative, as detailed by Nozdrev, even reached thepoint of his mentioning certain of the postillions by name! Next, thetchinovniks sounded him on the question of Chichikov's possible identitywith Napoleon; but before long they had reason to regret the step, forNozdrev responded with a rambling rigmarole such as bore no resemblanceto anything possibly conceivable. Finally, the majority of the audienceleft the room, and only the Chief of Police remained to listen (in thehope of g
athering something more); but at last even he found himselfforced to disclaim the speaker with a gesture which said: "The devilonly knows what the fellow is talking about!" and so voiced the generalopinion that it was no use trying to gather figs of thistles.
Meanwhile Chichikov knew nothing of these events; for, having contracteda slight chill, coupled with a sore throat, he had decided to keep hisroom for three days; during which time he gargled his throat withmilk and fig juice, consumed the fruit from which the juice had beenextracted, and wore around his neck a poultice of camomile and camphor.Also, to while away the hours, he made new and more detailed lists ofthe souls which he had bought, perused a work by the Duchesse de laValliere [36], rummaged in his portmanteau, looked through variousarticles and papers which he discovered in his dispatch-box, and foundevery one of these occupations tedious. Nor could he understand whynone of his official friends had come to see him and inquire after hishealth, seeing that, not long since, there had been standing in front ofthe inn the drozhkis both of the Postmaster, the Public Prosecutor, andthe President of the Council. He wondered and wondered, and then, witha shrug of his shoulders, fell to pacing the room. At length he feltbetter, and his spirits rose at the prospect of once more going out intothe fresh air; wherefore, having shaved a plentiful growth of hair fromhis face, he dressed with such alacrity as almost to cause a splitin his trousers, sprinkled himself with eau-de-Cologne, and wrappinghimself in warm clothes, and turning up the collar of his coat, salliedforth into the street. His first destination was intended to be theGovernor's mansion, and, as he walked along, certain thoughts concerningthe Governor's daughter would keep whirling through his head, so thatalmost he forgot where he was, and took to smiling and cracking jokes tohimself.
Arrived at the Governor's entrance, he was about to divest himselfof his scarf when a Swiss footman greeted him with the words, "I amforbidden to admit you."
"What?" he exclaimed. "You do not know me? Look at me again, and see ifyou do not recognise me."
"Of course I recognise you," the footman replied. "I have seen youbefore, but have been ordered to admit any one else rather than MonsieurChichikov."
"Indeed! And why so?"
"Those are my orders, and they must be obeyed," said the footman,confronting Chichikov with none of that politeness with which, onformer occasions, he had hastened to divest our hero of his wrappings.Evidently he was of opinion that, since the gentry declined to receivethe visitor, the latter must certainly be a rogue.
"I cannot understand it," said Chichikov to himself. Then he departed,and made his way to the house of the President of the Council. But soput about was that official by Chichikov's entry that he could not uttertwo consecutive words--he could only murmur some rubbish which left bothhis visitor and himself out of countenance. Chichikov wondered, as heleft the house, what the President's muttered words could have meant,but failed to make head or tail of them. Next, he visited, in turn, theChief of Police, the Vice-Governor, the Postmaster, and others; but ineach case he either failed to be accorded admittance or was receivedso strangely, and with such a measure of constraint and conversationalawkwardness and absence of mind and embarrassment, that he began to fearfor the sanity of his hosts. Again and again did he strive to divinethe cause, but could not do so; so he went wandering aimlessly aboutthe town, without succeeding in making up his mind whether he orthe officials had gone crazy. At length, in a state bordering uponbewilderment, he returned to the inn--to the establishment whence, thatevery afternoon, he had set forth in such exuberance of spirits. Feelingthe need of something to do, he ordered tea, and, still marvelling atthe strangeness of his position, was about to pour out the beverage whenthe door opened and Nozdrev made his appearance.
"What says the proverb?" he began. "'To see a friend, seven versts isnot too long a round to make.' I happened to be passing the house, saw alight in your window, and thought to myself: 'Now, suppose I were to runup and pay him a visit? It is unlikely that he will be asleep.' Ah, ha!I see tea on your table! Good! Then I will drink a cup with you, for Ihad wretched stuff for dinner, and it is beginning to lie heavy on mystomach. Also, tell your man to fill me a pipe. Where is your own pipe?"
"I never smoke," rejoined Chichikov drily.
"Rubbish! As if I did not know what a chimney-pot you are! What is yourman's name? Hi, Vakhramei! Come here!"
"Petrushka is his name, not Vakhramei."
"Indeed! But you USED to have a man called Vakhramei, didn't you?"
"No, never."
"Oh, well. Then it must be Derebin's man I am thinking of. What a luckyfellow that Derebin is! An aunt of his has gone and quarrelled with herson for marrying a serf woman, and has left all her property to HIM,to Derebin. Would that _I_ had an aunt of that kind to provide againstfuture contingencies! But why have you been hiding yourself away? Isuppose the reason has been that you go in for abstruse subjects and arefond of reading" (why Nozdrev should have drawn these conclusions no onecould possibly have said--least of all Chichikov himself). "By the way,I can tell you of something that would have found you scope for yoursatirical vein" (the conclusion as to Chichikov's "satirical vein" was,as before, altogether unwarranted on Nozdrev's part). "That is to say,you would have seen merchant Likhachev losing a pile of money at play.My word, you would have laughed! A fellow with me named Perependev said:'Would that Chichikov had been here! It would have been the very thingfor him!'" (As a matter of fact, never since the day of his birth hadNozdrev met any one of the name of Perependev.) "However, my friend, youmust admit that you treated me rather badly the day that we played thatgame of chess; but, as I won the game, I bear you no malice. A propos,I am just from the President's, and ought to tell you that the feelingagainst you in the town is very strong, for every one believes you to bea forger of currency notes. I myself was sent for and questionedabout you, but I stuck up for you through thick and thin, and toldthe tchinovniks that I had been at school with you, and had known yourfather. In fact, I gave the fellows a knock or two for themselves."
"You say that I am believed to be a forger?" said Chichikov, startingfrom his seat.
"Yes," said Nozdrev. "Why have you gone and frightened everybody as youhave done? Some of our folk are almost out of their minds about it, anddeclare you to be either a brigand in disguise or a spy. Yesterday thePublic Prosecutor even died of it, and is to be buried to-morrow"(this was true in so far as that, on the previous day, the official inquestion had had a fatal stroke--probably induced by the excitement ofthe public meeting). "Of course, _I_ don't suppose you to be anything ofthe kind, but, you see, these fellows are in a blue funk about the newGovernor-General, for they think he will make trouble for them over youraffair. A propos, he is believed to be a man who puts on airs, and turnsup his nose at everything; and if so, he will get on badly with thedvoriane, seeing that fellows of that sort need to be humoured a bit.Yes, my word! Should the new Governor-General shut himself up in hisstudy, and give no balls, there will be the very devil to pay! By theway, Chichikov, that is a risky scheme of yours."
"What scheme to you mean?" Chichikov asked uneasily.
"Why, that scheme of carrying off the Governor's daughter. However, totell the truth, I was expecting something of the kind. No sooner didI see you and her together at the ball than I said to myself: 'Ah, ha!Chichikov is not here for nothing!' For my own part, I think you havemade a poor choice, for I can see nothing in her at all. On the otherhand, the niece of a friend of mine named Bikusov--she IS a girl, and nomistake! A regular what you might call 'miracle in muslin!'"
"What on earth are you talking about?" asked Chichikov with his eyesdistended. "HOW could I carry off the Governor's daughter? What on earthdo you mean?"
"Come, come! What a secretive fellow you are! My only object in havingcome to see you is to lend you a helping hand in the matter. Look here.On condition that you will lend me three thousand roubles, I will standyou the cost of the wedding, the koliaska, and the relays of horses. Imust have the money even if I die for it."
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Throughout Nozdrev's maunderings Chichikov had been rubbing his eyes toascertain whether or not he was dreaming. What with the charge of beinga forger, the accusation of having schemed an abduction, the death ofthe Public Prosecutor (whatever might have been its cause), and theadvent of a new Governor-General, he felt utterly dismayed.
"Things having come to their present pass," he reflected, "I had betternot linger here--I had better be off at once."
Getting rid of Nozdrev as soon as he could, he sent for Selifan, andordered him to be up at daybreak, in order to clean the britchka and tohave everything ready for a start at six o'clock. Yet, though Selifanreplied, "Very well, Paul Ivanovitch," he hesitated awhile by the door.Next, Chichikov bid Petrushka get out the dusty portmanteau from underthe bed, and then set to work to cram into it, pell-mell, socks, shirts,collars (both clean and dirty), boot trees, a calendar, and a variety ofother articles. Everything went into the receptacle just as it cameto hand, since his one object was to obviate any possible delay inthe morning's departure. Meanwhile the reluctant Selifan slowly, veryslowly, left the room, as slowly descended the staircase (on eachseparate step of which he left a muddy foot-print), and, finally, haltedto scratch his head. What that scratching may have meant no one couldsay; for, with the Russian populace, such a scratching may mean any oneof a hundred things.
Dead Souls Page 12
